[104]
The whole day yesterday was uneventful but it passed by quickly. I spent most of it indoors even if I had little problem dealing with the shadow creatures, being a kagetsukai myself, a shadow master. I thought I'd write about how I can't seem to stop talking and can't seem to think. I spent the better part of this morning talking through my creation of lunch and wondering about the marks the Sakurazukamori put on my hands. They're gone, at least, finally. Unnatural things. It is virtually impossible for a shinigami to scar unless magic was involved. I've thought about my options yesterday if it hadn't faded, even if it's still there. Slicing my hands off with the sharper of my two cleavers is a feasable idea. There would be a slight problem with slicing off the remaining hand but my biggest concern was blood on the kitchen tiles and carpet. I have no doubt I would have bled so much more if I had. This place is most certainly warping my mental health. I consider myself one of the less troubled shinigami, I definitely hold myself up better than Tsuzuki and do not resort to self-mutilation. At least, that is before I came here. Contemplating slicing my hands off, asking an angel to pluck my eyeballs out for the slight comfort it delivered, and confronting the Sakurazukamori over and over again underprepared and emotionally driven. Even if the resulting sex was satisfying and frustrating at the same time. At least, thinking about it right now, I could salvage something from those grisly experiences to be a better lover for Tsuzuki. Sometimes I wonder if I could say we really are in a relationship. He slept with Fuuma, with that kid. He's not here and I'm glad because the doctor is dead and stuck here, I'm glad. And he won't see the marks and worry and cry. And he won't see how incapable I am of protecting anyone. Not my mother. Not Tsuzuki.
Enma, I want to kill Muraki and the Sakurazukamori. Is it so frightening to want to run my shadows through their bodies and to crush them? To tear them from limb to limb and to let the shadows scatter their remains from one end of the city to another... I can do it if I wanted to. I want to do it. I want to destroy them. I want to let the shadows overtake me completely and kill them. I wonder if I'm just in denial about my true nature. If Tsuzuki is half-demon, then what am I? I try to forget it, but then I remember Valentine-san and Ranmaru-san.
...Fuck. Calm down, Seiichirou. Calm down. There.
We'd be better off without this curse. I'm going to kill someone if this doesn't--
[ooc; Affected. ♥ Since he can't concentrate very well as he talks his thoughts out. And there is this overwhelming feeling to not delete it. He attempts to lock parts of the post... but sadly, he can't think straight so it's probably easy to hack ♥]
Enma, I want to kill Muraki and the Sakurazukamori. Is it so frightening to want to run my shadows through their bodies and to crush them? To tear them from limb to limb and to let the shadows scatter their remains from one end of the city to another... I can do it if I wanted to. I want to do it. I want to destroy them. I want to let the shadows overtake me completely and kill them. I wonder if I'm just in denial about my true nature. If Tsuzuki is half-demon, then what am I? I try to forget it, but then I remember Valentine-san and Ranmaru-san.
...Fuck. Calm down, Seiichirou. Calm down. There.
We'd be better off without this curse. I'm going to kill someone if this doesn't--
[ooc; Affected. ♥ Since he can't concentrate very well as he talks his thoughts out. And there is this overwhelming feeling to not delete it. He attempts to lock parts of the post... but sadly, he can't think straight so it's probably easy to hack ♥]