Much WTF. You can has it.
Title: Dead and Somewhat Loving It
Author: shawn_anne
Pairing: nem pairing
Rating: R (for gore-ish stuff)
Summary: In which all the dead Airmen turn out to be rather undead instead.
Warnings: this fic contains zombies and some disgusting mental images that come with the territory.
A/N: There was some talk about a zombie CRACK!fic for this fandom, and I found notes on what I was going to write, so I figured fuck it, why not? Therefore here you have it.
Dead and Somewhat Loving It
The problem with hearing Compagnon’s hacking sounds, which came far too close to his old giggling for anyone’s comfort, was the fact that you simultaneously had to see his intestines pool at his feet while he did it.
“For the love of th’Esarina’s cunt, pull yourself together,” Ivory drawled.
Compagnon hacked again.
“Leave him be,” Evariste said, scratching at his brain. The best thing that came out of their deaths was the loss of Evariste’s scalp; at least no one could see him tug at his hair now. “We’ve already picked up half his diaphragm and threw it out last time he tried stitching himself together.”
Jeannot made a noncommittal sound from his perch on The Rock. It was the only somewhat comfortable thing to sit on in the cave they were stuck in, and Jeannot seemed to think himself better than anyone else. No one had dared challenge him for the spot ever since Niall tried once and lost his mind in the process. Literally. Most of them privately thought that Jeannot was still using it as a stress ball when he was bored.
It wouldn’t have been a problem either because Niall didn’t have much of an upstairs brain to begin with and he was pretty much the same without his mind safely in his skull - except now he was the only idiot someone had to always keep an eye on in case he tried to make a run for it. Not that they hadn’t tried breaking his legs off, but the fucker was resourceful, and they needed to stay hidden.
They may have all been undead, but they weren’t suicidal.
“Maybe ‘e should jus’ cut off his insides?” Jeannot suggested with a slur. “He’s not using ‘em anyway.”
“I like my insides,” said Compagnon.
“We could,” Amery agreed, dragging himself closer to Compagnon and bending down to inspect his stomach. “But it would be a waste of space.”
“We could always tie Niall down with them,” Ace yawned.
There was a brief moment of contemplation in which everyone turned to look at Niall. He was poking pebbles around, unmindful of Ace’s weight atop of him. Poor bastard probably thought it was a woman there, which didn’t quite give him props for being a ladies’ man.
“I’m hungry,” Merritt said suddenly, breaking the silence. “And don’t give me them looks again. I ain’t in the mood for more horse brains. They taste like shit.”
“Here,” Jeannot snapped, throwing Niall's brains at him. “You can have his.”
Merritt caught them and gave them a look of utter contempt. “We’re turning to cannibalism now?”
Ivory arched an eyebrow. “Isn’t it zombielism?”
Compagnon giggled again; his stomach fell out.
“Did I ever tell you about that girl at the Fans eating this other lady?” Magoughin asked, gesturing lewdly with his only arm.
“Yes,” they all said in unison.
Compagnon, who was attempting to keep his lungs up his sternum, laughed once again.
“I want human brains,” Merritt insisted.
“We all do,” Ace nodded. “We could send the pet out.”
They all glanced at Niall again, then looked at each other.
“It’s worth a shot,” Magoughin said. “I’m starving.”
“And no one would look for us if he fucked up,” Evariste agreed. “They’d be too terrified of his face.”
Niall, as though sensing things were about to get ugly, piped down and looked at them all with his only eye wide open.
“Think he has the attention span to actually bring some food back?” Compagnon asked.
Jeannot snorted. He looked far too displeased. “Of course not. That’s why you’re going with him.”
“Why me?” Compagnon demanded, outraged.
Amery smiled widely, showing off a couple of decayed teeth. “I think it’s because you’re the only one with something to carry the good stuff in,” he said, pointing at Compagnon’s empty abdominal region. “Perfect bag.”
Compagnon, for his part, was less than impressed.
“But what if we get caught.”
“You can leave Niall there,” Ivory said reasonably. “And there are prints in town.”
It might have been just their imagination, but it seemed like Compagnon was actually flushing with excitement. It was hard to tell, though; their eyes weren’t as good as they used to be.
“Prints,” he said with delight.
“And a cemetery too,” Magoughin grinned. “Bring us all a couple of girls?”
Ace perked up. “Ke-Han whores? Bastion, yes.”
“Come, come, Niall,” Compagnon said suddenly, pulling Niall up by his arm; it nearly came off.
“Careful,” Jeannot snarled. “We need him to do the gravedigging.”
“Of course, of course,” Compagnon called over his shoulder, already dragging a quiet Niall after him. Turning to him he said: “Now, let us find ourselves some bastion-damned women!”
When they were gone, Amery turned to Jeannot. “Think they know the Ke-Han whores in the graveyard zombie brothel have an intestine and Cindy fetish?”
“No,” Jeannot said with a grin, “but they’ll be stocked with brains by the time they’ve fucked each other out and came back.”
“The wonders of pimping,” Evariste sighed.
There was another lull in conversation, then Ivory smiled sharply.
“Now, who wants to play pin the knife on the zombie?”
Author: shawn_anne
Pairing: nem pairing
Rating: R (for gore-ish stuff)
Summary: In which all the dead Airmen turn out to be rather undead instead.
Warnings: this fic contains zombies and some disgusting mental images that come with the territory.
A/N: There was some talk about a zombie CRACK!fic for this fandom, and I found notes on what I was going to write, so I figured fuck it, why not? Therefore here you have it.
Dead and Somewhat Loving It
The problem with hearing Compagnon’s hacking sounds, which came far too close to his old giggling for anyone’s comfort, was the fact that you simultaneously had to see his intestines pool at his feet while he did it.
“For the love of th’Esarina’s cunt, pull yourself together,” Ivory drawled.
Compagnon hacked again.
“Leave him be,” Evariste said, scratching at his brain. The best thing that came out of their deaths was the loss of Evariste’s scalp; at least no one could see him tug at his hair now. “We’ve already picked up half his diaphragm and threw it out last time he tried stitching himself together.”
Jeannot made a noncommittal sound from his perch on The Rock. It was the only somewhat comfortable thing to sit on in the cave they were stuck in, and Jeannot seemed to think himself better than anyone else. No one had dared challenge him for the spot ever since Niall tried once and lost his mind in the process. Literally. Most of them privately thought that Jeannot was still using it as a stress ball when he was bored.
It wouldn’t have been a problem either because Niall didn’t have much of an upstairs brain to begin with and he was pretty much the same without his mind safely in his skull - except now he was the only idiot someone had to always keep an eye on in case he tried to make a run for it. Not that they hadn’t tried breaking his legs off, but the fucker was resourceful, and they needed to stay hidden.
They may have all been undead, but they weren’t suicidal.
“Maybe ‘e should jus’ cut off his insides?” Jeannot suggested with a slur. “He’s not using ‘em anyway.”
“I like my insides,” said Compagnon.
“We could,” Amery agreed, dragging himself closer to Compagnon and bending down to inspect his stomach. “But it would be a waste of space.”
“We could always tie Niall down with them,” Ace yawned.
There was a brief moment of contemplation in which everyone turned to look at Niall. He was poking pebbles around, unmindful of Ace’s weight atop of him. Poor bastard probably thought it was a woman there, which didn’t quite give him props for being a ladies’ man.
“I’m hungry,” Merritt said suddenly, breaking the silence. “And don’t give me them looks again. I ain’t in the mood for more horse brains. They taste like shit.”
“Here,” Jeannot snapped, throwing Niall's brains at him. “You can have his.”
Merritt caught them and gave them a look of utter contempt. “We’re turning to cannibalism now?”
Ivory arched an eyebrow. “Isn’t it zombielism?”
Compagnon giggled again; his stomach fell out.
“Did I ever tell you about that girl at the Fans eating this other lady?” Magoughin asked, gesturing lewdly with his only arm.
“Yes,” they all said in unison.
Compagnon, who was attempting to keep his lungs up his sternum, laughed once again.
“I want human brains,” Merritt insisted.
“We all do,” Ace nodded. “We could send the pet out.”
They all glanced at Niall again, then looked at each other.
“It’s worth a shot,” Magoughin said. “I’m starving.”
“And no one would look for us if he fucked up,” Evariste agreed. “They’d be too terrified of his face.”
Niall, as though sensing things were about to get ugly, piped down and looked at them all with his only eye wide open.
“Think he has the attention span to actually bring some food back?” Compagnon asked.
Jeannot snorted. He looked far too displeased. “Of course not. That’s why you’re going with him.”
“Why me?” Compagnon demanded, outraged.
Amery smiled widely, showing off a couple of decayed teeth. “I think it’s because you’re the only one with something to carry the good stuff in,” he said, pointing at Compagnon’s empty abdominal region. “Perfect bag.”
Compagnon, for his part, was less than impressed.
“But what if we get caught.”
“You can leave Niall there,” Ivory said reasonably. “And there are prints in town.”
It might have been just their imagination, but it seemed like Compagnon was actually flushing with excitement. It was hard to tell, though; their eyes weren’t as good as they used to be.
“Prints,” he said with delight.
“And a cemetery too,” Magoughin grinned. “Bring us all a couple of girls?”
Ace perked up. “Ke-Han whores? Bastion, yes.”
“Come, come, Niall,” Compagnon said suddenly, pulling Niall up by his arm; it nearly came off.
“Careful,” Jeannot snarled. “We need him to do the gravedigging.”
“Of course, of course,” Compagnon called over his shoulder, already dragging a quiet Niall after him. Turning to him he said: “Now, let us find ourselves some bastion-damned women!”
When they were gone, Amery turned to Jeannot. “Think they know the Ke-Han whores in the graveyard zombie brothel have an intestine and Cindy fetish?”
“No,” Jeannot said with a grin, “but they’ll be stocked with brains by the time they’ve fucked each other out and came back.”
“The wonders of pimping,” Evariste sighed.
There was another lull in conversation, then Ivory smiled sharply.
“Now, who wants to play pin the knife on the zombie?”