so yeah...
i am officially in the most heinous mood ever.i hate that im letting everyone make me feel like this. i shouldnt... i should stand my ground and make myself feel better, but i dont... everyone around me is making me feel like shit in one way or another. making me feel not good enough... i feel like a friend of convenience to so many people, and that is the worst feeling... im constantly on the verge of tears... like my eyes are seriously constantly welling up... i hate this so much. i feel like shit... physically and emotionally and mentally... i feel so worthless... i feel like my existence is so pointless... everyone has someone more important, someone they blow me off for, someone they would rather be with...
I HATE THIS SO MUCH i hate feeling like this... why cant i just be happy... is that too much to ask? apparently... im on god damn anti-depressants... theyve gotten rid of the panic attacks, but they havent done shit for me wanting to kill myself half the time. nobody knows... i mean, i dont want to trivialize anyone else's problems... but people seriously bitch about the stupidest shit or bring it on themselves. i mean, i know ive brought certain things on myself, but other things just happen. i cant help that i fell for you, but you only want me when you need me. i cant help that i want whats best for you, but you cant see or ignore that and go for the people that hurt you time after time. i cant help that i try to watch out for you but you ignore that and blow me off. i cant help that no matter how many people tell you youre amazing, and no matter how hott you know you are, you still bitch looking for compliments. i cant help that people make me feel like shit, intentionally or not. i cant help that people make jokes about things that genuinely hurt me, even when they know it does. joking about depression and rape isnt funny... i might try to laugh it off, but like everything else in my life, thats fake and its merely to keep me from breaking down. everyone keeps pointing out the obvious to me, like i dont know already... thanks for that. like i need the shit in my life pointed out to me and make me think about it more than i already do... i seriously cant do this anymore... i need to get out of here... one day im just not going to be here anymore. people might miss me a little, whatever, theyll get over it. its not that im feeling sorry for myself, im being realistic. i dont feel sorry for myself, thats not gonna get me anywhere... i just feel sorry for the people around me that have everything going for them but they refuse to see it. i feel sorry for the people in my life that i want to make everything ok for and simply make happy, and do everything i can for them, but they dont want any part of it... well, thats your problems, im gonna stop caring, cus that hasnt gotten me anywhere... im done... if someone wants me to care about them, theyre gonna have to earn it. if someone wants me trust, theyre going to have to work for it. im sick of giving my all to people and having my friendship with everyone be a one way street. i deserve better... i may not get better, then i guess ill spend the rest of my life alone if thats what it takes... not that it would be too different, cus thats exactly how i feel right now... completely alone...
I HATE THIS SO MUCH i hate feeling like this... why cant i just be happy... is that too much to ask? apparently... im on god damn anti-depressants... theyve gotten rid of the panic attacks, but they havent done shit for me wanting to kill myself half the time. nobody knows... i mean, i dont want to trivialize anyone else's problems... but people seriously bitch about the stupidest shit or bring it on themselves. i mean, i know ive brought certain things on myself, but other things just happen. i cant help that i fell for you, but you only want me when you need me. i cant help that i want whats best for you, but you cant see or ignore that and go for the people that hurt you time after time. i cant help that i try to watch out for you but you ignore that and blow me off. i cant help that no matter how many people tell you youre amazing, and no matter how hott you know you are, you still bitch looking for compliments. i cant help that people make me feel like shit, intentionally or not. i cant help that people make jokes about things that genuinely hurt me, even when they know it does. joking about depression and rape isnt funny... i might try to laugh it off, but like everything else in my life, thats fake and its merely to keep me from breaking down. everyone keeps pointing out the obvious to me, like i dont know already... thanks for that. like i need the shit in my life pointed out to me and make me think about it more than i already do... i seriously cant do this anymore... i need to get out of here... one day im just not going to be here anymore. people might miss me a little, whatever, theyll get over it. its not that im feeling sorry for myself, im being realistic. i dont feel sorry for myself, thats not gonna get me anywhere... i just feel sorry for the people around me that have everything going for them but they refuse to see it. i feel sorry for the people in my life that i want to make everything ok for and simply make happy, and do everything i can for them, but they dont want any part of it... well, thats your problems, im gonna stop caring, cus that hasnt gotten me anywhere... im done... if someone wants me to care about them, theyre gonna have to earn it. if someone wants me trust, theyre going to have to work for it. im sick of giving my all to people and having my friendship with everyone be a one way street. i deserve better... i may not get better, then i guess ill spend the rest of my life alone if thats what it takes... not that it would be too different, cus thats exactly how i feel right now... completely alone...