(no subject)
So it's been a while since I posted, and I figured since it IS my site, I'll torment some people or so. I started watching bits of Gintama again, and the crack pairing that I've always adored... well, I could never write it because it's too violent XDXDXD I still stand by it, and it's unedited, and it's horrible, and I still can't write the crack pairing but ah well. Try not to flame me for it, k? I KNOW it sucks XDXDXD
Series: Gintama
Pairing: Okita/Kagura (WTF)
Title: Delusions of the King of Planet Sadism
Summary: I think the title's self-explanatory. Oh yes, I've set this so that Kagura is now 16 (less squicky than leaving her at 14) and Okita's 20. I think the age difference is either 4 or 5 years. WHATEVER. Technicality, schmecnicality.
Life for Okita Sougo was easy enough. Wake up in the morning, sleep till the afternoon with his mask on, try to kill have meaningful conversations with Hijikata, eat, and patrol, whereby in the process, he would have another chance at becoming vice-captain closer friends with Hijikata. There would be practices in between, rebel factions to destroy, vice captains to kill (how did that slip in?), and naps.
Napping was sacred to him, especially when he had devised such a brilliant way of being able to sleep without anyone figuring out exactly what he was doing. The bastard Hijikata always did, but Okita always attributed it to sheer dumb luck. Naps were good things for many reasons, most of which involved him not having to do anything, and it was incredible how many ways his boss could die what the mind could think up of while it was unencumbered by morals and compassion, not that he had much to begin with. In fact, it always struck him as odd why his ideas were as good awake as he was asleep, which he supposed wasn’t exactly a reason for liking napping, but he liked it the same.
It was in the middle of such a precious nap that he found himself rudely disturbed. He tried to tune the sound out. The blonde swordsman was typically good with things like that. One tended to perfect such actions, especially when one slept in the park, but today was not such a day. His skin twitched, and he scratched it, wondering what would set off such a reaction until he heard her voice.
“Baka Gin-chan,” she muttered.
He barely suppressed a sigh. The last place he’d expected to find the violent Yato girl was in a park, even if he could feel the earthquakes that signified her freakishly large alien dog bounding around playing catch (with Hijikata maybe? Hmm, there was an idea). But then again, he’d learned, if painfully, just how unpredictable she was, and he was one sneaky bastard to begin with.
Maybe if he ignored her, she would go away. Then again, he’d learned that lesson too.
“What did he do now?”
It was a good thing her eyes weren’t made of laser beams. He could feel the weight of her stare even under his eye mask.
“He said my food tasted bad!” she said in outrage.
Pulling one side of his eye mask open, he gave a look. “Your food probably does taste bad. It’s not as if monsters care what they eat.” Even as he said it, Okita knew what would happen, but it was practice time, and the gorilla always said to make sure one kept up with their skills.
The combination of fists and legs that came flying in his direction had him leaping from the bench. He retaliated, of course. He wasn’t about to let her off easy for being a girl, which she really wasn’t. She might be packaged all cute, but appearances were very deceptive. You tended to pay for your life with that sort of mistake when it came to Kagura.
He almost came to a dead halt when he realised his thoughts.
Cute!?
Did he think cute!?
She landed a punch with deadly accuracy in a place no man should ever be punched, least of all by someone who could decimate a building with said fist. He blacked out.
Such was the nature of their relationship.
---------------------------------------
When Okita woke up, he had vague recollections of being in hell, where demons kept burning him in the crotch. In fact, while it still burnt, it was a little less painful, but that was like saying he didn’t really want to kill Hijikata that much today. Groaning, he used all his skills to block out the agony when he came to an abrupt realization.
He wasn’t feeling his legs.
On top of destroying the Okita lineage, had that monster also crippled him!?
Filled with righteous rage, he managed to sit up right only to find said monster and its equally monstrous pet lying on his legs.
On the one hand, while he was mildly relieved that he wasn’t a cripple (though the sensation coming back to his legs would no doubt make him wish he were dead), the blonde still wanted to kill someone, and he just couldn’t bring himself to kill a sleeping teenage girl and her dog.
… even if she was blowing the most gigantic sleep bubble from her nose while drooling and her dog was apparently dreaming about alien doggy treats and using his leg as a substitute.
Maybe he would kill after all.
Okita Sougo, who normally was cool and laughed in the face of danger (Hijikata’s mostly), was feeling anything but. The only person (she technically wasn’t one) to ever get him to feel flustered and entirely out of his league at times was this slip of a girl who could level buildings just by playing. He could almost hear his boss laughing mockingly and going on about divine retribution.
The man would be in for a nasty surprise next time he went to the bathroom.
He tried shaking his leg, but both animals were apparently sound sleepers. He tried smacking her face, but he supposed for her, it was rather like having an annoying fly, which she swatted quite nicely. His hand was now bruised on top of it all.
Then, he came across a stroke of particular genius. He’d been searching in his pockets (for something large, concrete, and spike-filled maybe. Weapons? Bombs? Hadn’t they just confiscated some from Katsura and they’d just mysteriously vanished from the evidence area?) when he came across some sukonbu. As for why it was there, Okita chose not to think about it.
He waved it across her nose, watching her practically leap to life and jump on top of him the second she detected its scent.
“GIMME!!!”
That he had not expected. Sixteen year old girl sprawled on top of a twenty year old man in the middle of a park. Even if it was the Meiji Era, and for all their advances, they were NOT that type of society. Nor was it THAT kind of manga.
He pretended he didn’t notice a lot of things.
He threw the sukonbu away and watched as she bounded away. The other beast, awakened by her antics, joined suit.
While the two wrestled over a piece of smelly kelp, he screamed like a girl. He was glad there were no witnesses.
---------------------------------------
“You scream like a girl,” Kagura announced smugly while chewing on that disgusting algae.
“You only wish you screamed like one,” Okita retorted, still feeling distinctly violated and thoroughly unmanned. He wished Hijikata was there so he could get rid of some of this pent-up anger.
She quirked her head and stuck her tongue out at him. Combined with what she was eating, it made for an unsightly combination.
He gagged.
It was turning out to be one of the worst days of his life, and that included the day where he had nearly killed his boss but Kondou-san had wound up taking the hit instead (In hindsight though, he should’ve taken out the both of them so he could properly rule the world) along with the rest of the Shinsengumi. It was always a bad idea to kill underlings - he’d made changes to the plans since then, and never plotted anything involving electricity and onsen again.
Temporarily perking up at the thought of murder, he got up to leave (it was never a good idea to kill civilians on his own shift, even if they were the spawns of the devil themselves, because the paperwork sucked) but he found himself unable to move.
… mostly because the monster had taken to holding his sleeve.
He could try moving but that would result in a ruined uniform, which he could always turn around to sell to Kondou-san and tell him about how the skin-tight look was in.
What was the saying… in for a penny…
“What do you want?” he asked wearily.
“Do you cook?”
“By your standards, yes.”
She knotted her brows and glared up at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Shrugging, he replied, “You eat anything. I’ve read the hospital reports.”
“Why were you reading my hospital reports?”
“Trying to find a weakness?”
Her shoulders slumped. Apparently, his answer had temporarily deflated her.
“I can’t cook. Guys like girls that cook, right?”
“Guys also like girls that behave like girls and not monsters.”
He was lucky he only got tossed halfway across the park.
And that her monster dog only got ONE tooth in his head.
“My cooking’s that bad?” she said, voice sounding smaller than he was used to.
Oh God. It was going to be one of those bad teenage girl moments that Kondou-san had tried hard to explain to all his men. They were fragile and delicate, or something or rather, but none of them had ever encountered a Yato teenage girl. Her hormonal mood swings tended to level cities.
“Did Gin-san end up in hospital?”
“No, but he yelled a lot.” Her brow furrowed. “Something about burning.”
He crossed his legs. He related to that.
“Then it’s okay, isn’t it? He didn’t die from eating your food.”
Okita was pretty sure the last time he checked, he still couldn’t fly. That must mean Kagura just decked him again.
Next time, he thought, he was going to take out a life insurance policy. Or maybe train with her father. And maybe bring tissues.
Damnit.
---------------------------------------
When the blonde genius finally came to, he found himself in a hospital. Across from him, Hijikata smoked, blatantly ignoring the no-smoking sign or the nurse who tried to get him to stop.
“Yamazaki found your body,” the older man said while flipping the pages of his magazine. “Damn boy said something about not being able to twist like that. You upset the monster?”
He couldn’t feel any pain. Surely he wasn’t in hell. He really was a good guy. Someone must’ve made a mistake with the paperwork. Then he noted the drip. Ah, the good stuff, he thought with a dreamy smile.
If he wasn’t mistaken, his boss was looking distinctly pink.
“You know, it’s strange. You can kill some of the most deadliest fighters in the world without breaking a sweat…”
“Except for you…”
“Don’t think I forgot the exploding mayonnaise jar, you bastard!! But that’s not the point, although I don’t really know why that isn’t the point, but here’s the point. The girl beats you to a bloody pulp just about every time, and you know, Kondou’s been making noise about the medical bills from the Shinsengumi.” He frowned. “Don’t tell me you’ve turned into a super M.”
“You’re crazy… and wavy…” Okita’s forehead wrinkled. “And there’s two of you. More to kill!” he brightened.
“Goddamn painkillers. I’m cutting you off,” Hijikata growled and hurled the IV out of the room.
The blonde barely felt the prick of the IV needle come out, but he did notice the three orange-haired girls coming to his room. Shit, he was going to die. It was hell.
“Look, he’s a pain in the ass, but he has his moments, especially when he’s not trying to kill me, and I really don’t feel like finding a replacement for him. Besides, I don’t want him to die in the hospital. It’s very disgraceful for samurai like us to die that way you know. In the line of duty you know, while protecting the country or our leader, but not while he’s all doped up.”
“Doped up? I thought he’d broken his head?” the Kaguras said.
Hijikata snorted. “Concussion, really. The little bastard’s pretty tough, though I’m not sure why he’s on painkillers. Third-rate hospitals. Ugh, nothing but the best for the Shinsengumi.”
“Oh.”
“What, sad that he didn’t die?”
“Sad that I didn’t break bones,” Okita drawled.
She blinked at him. “I knew you wouldn’t break anything.”
The other two Kaguras had apparently disappeared and left him with only one.
“You threw me across the park.”
The teenage girl in the Chinese dress sat down next to him. “You’re like Sadaharu.”
Hijikata snickered. Okita swore he would gut his boss with the dullest knife he could find. Or a badminton racket.
“Sadaharu is the only pet I’ve ever had that I couldn’t kill. I remember the fluffy bunny I had as a little kid, and I loved it so much that I brought it to bed with me. But the next morning, it wasn’t breathing anymore, or even fluffy.”
He thought the dark-haired swordsman was going to choke.
“So he’s… fluffy?” Hijikata finally breathed only to get decked into tomorrow.
It was okay. Okita would take care of the remainder when he got back.
“Insensitive man,” Kagura grumbled. “STUPID MAN.”
“You understand why we need to rid the world of such a man, and why I should rule the…” he broke off when he noticed her blue eyes fixated on him. “Wait, you’re talking about ME?”
“Do you see any other insensitive stupid men here??”
“Well Hijikata-san was… oh. That’s why you smacked him. Wait, why am I the stupid insensitive jerk??”
Kagura folded her arms and looked at him.
He twitched. “I told you that your cooking wasn’t that bad. It didn’t kill Gin-san, did it?”
She tapped her foot.
“What? You want me to praise your cooking? I can’t very well say anything cos’ I haven’t eaten it yet!!”
His stomach seriously chose the most inappropriate time to grumble. He could see her face lighting up like a candle.
“Doctor said uh, no solids for a while.”
“I put together the most nutritious and delicious stuff together.”
She probably threw ice cream and ground beef in a shake.
It was worse. It was soup, and had broccoli in it.
“I’m allergic to broccoli!!”
“No you’re not!!”
He blamed his condition. Concussions were never conducive to struggling with an absurdly strong alien teenage girl, much less one determined to poison and kill him.
He told himself it tasted worse going down than coming up.
He was wrong.
Kagura blinked. “Maybe Gin-san was right about the expired ice cream.”
The monster was going to kill him.
“And the broccoli shouldn’t glow like that.”
At least he was in the hospital.
“And that ground beef shouldn’t move.”
He was going to have a long talk with God about divine retribution and giving him a masochistic nature, really he was. After he was done puking of course.
---------------------------------------
For some reason, returning to the land of the living felt like punishment to Okita. His eyes barely cranked open. He’d spent half the evening throwing up the contents of his stomach, and possibly some organs he didn’t even recall having. Where enemies had failed to kill him, he’d been taken down by a sixteen year old alien girl. Monster, he corrected. Vicious monster with sharp teeth and pretty blue eyes…
Damn concussion. He must’ve hit his head worse than he thought.
Porcelain was damn cold, he thought. His cheek had nearly frozen off, and he was in someone’s joke of pajamas because the stuff really fit too tight and it was rather frilly and…
WHY WAS HE WEARING WOMEN’S PAJAMAS?!?!?!
He nearly leapt off the ground if it weren’t for the weight at his legs… again.
If he found a dog and an alien girl again…
Well, only an alien girl. He could’ve kicked her off till next year, or at the very least, exacted some form of sadistic punishment but she was drooling on his leg and possibly gnawing a bit at it as if she were dreaming about sukonbu.
Damnit, was Hijikata right? Had he, Okita Sougo, sadism master of all masters, turned into an M!?
He told himself he was sorry when he kicked her, but she really had the reflexes of a monster befitting her alien self. She landed on her feet and rubbed at her eyes sleepily. The clothes she wore were oversized. An Otsu T-shirt told him where the top had come from, and the too-long pants with parfaits printed all over gave no doubt as to who the owner was.
“SO WHY AM I WEARING YOUR PAJAMAS?!!?!” he yelled.
She blinked at him. “You smelled funny. You couldn’t stop barfing. Even the nurses got grossed out. I think Sadaharu only ate it once and then he threw up too. Then Gin-chan threw up too. So I had to change you into something not so smelly.”
“BUT WHY DIDN’T I WEAR WHAT YOU WERE WEARING???”
The perfect picture of outrage, she shouted, “You pervert! You want the clothes I’m wearing now so I’m naked?”
“I didn’t say that!!! Why didn’t you just wear you own pajamas and I wear what you’re wearing now?”
She slapped him. “You still want to see me naked? You can’t try the goods before you buy!”
“I don’t want to try your goods!!! I just want my clothes back!!!”
“We burned them.”
“WHAT?!?!?”
“Burned them. Gin-chan said they were contagious or something. And they smelled bad. The gorilla said he would give you a new uniform when you came back.”
He was Okita Sougo. He did not scream in outrage. He did not wear frilly women’s underthings (even if they were surprisingly comfortable). He did not get food poisoning from some teenage monster’s idea of food. Those were all things that Hijikata Toushi was supposed to experience.
It all started with the food. It had to end with the food. He would end it.
… or possibly his own life.
He’d heard it was an honourable way to end one’s life through committing seppuku (not before taking his boss out with him first though).
“You feeling okay?” Kagura asked.
Okita Sougo also did not rattle off a string of profanity that would make fathers proud.
The teenager was looking distinctly cross-eyed. “I don’t think that’s possible, but Gin-chan says I’m not wise enough to the ways of the world.” She even waggled her brows when she said the last few words. “… whatever that means.”
“You… you…”
He wasn’t sure when he started sputtering either.
“Oooh it’s a game! Me… me…”
She looked at him expectantly.
He was going to put a fist through something.
Everyone always told him he was smart. Around her though, he was feeling as stupid as… well, the gorilla they hailed as the Shinsengumi’s leader. Or Hijikata.
“You…” he repeated, and unexpectedly, pinched her cheeks. “Make it better next time.”
Okita Sougo did NOT feel pleased because her eyes sparkled happily. Okita Sougo did not see pretty bubbles behind her as if it were some shoujo manga because it was most definitely not. Okita Sougo did, however, feel his stomach churn violently at the thought of being attacked by more of Kagura’s monster food.
He still had time to move far away. Become a monk perhaps. Commit seppuku. Be leader of Shinsengumi (that one still snuck in somehow) and then commit seppuku. That was a better plan.
Afterall, most things in life were pretty easy for him.
Series: Gintama
Pairing: Okita/Kagura (WTF)
Title: Delusions of the King of Planet Sadism
Summary: I think the title's self-explanatory. Oh yes, I've set this so that Kagura is now 16 (less squicky than leaving her at 14) and Okita's 20. I think the age difference is either 4 or 5 years. WHATEVER. Technicality, schmecnicality.
Life for Okita Sougo was easy enough. Wake up in the morning, sleep till the afternoon with his mask on, try to kill have meaningful conversations with Hijikata, eat, and patrol, whereby in the process, he would have another chance at becoming vice-captain closer friends with Hijikata. There would be practices in between, rebel factions to destroy, vice captains to kill (how did that slip in?), and naps.
Napping was sacred to him, especially when he had devised such a brilliant way of being able to sleep without anyone figuring out exactly what he was doing. The bastard Hijikata always did, but Okita always attributed it to sheer dumb luck. Naps were good things for many reasons, most of which involved him not having to do anything, and it was incredible how many ways his boss could die what the mind could think up of while it was unencumbered by morals and compassion, not that he had much to begin with. In fact, it always struck him as odd why his ideas were as good awake as he was asleep, which he supposed wasn’t exactly a reason for liking napping, but he liked it the same.
It was in the middle of such a precious nap that he found himself rudely disturbed. He tried to tune the sound out. The blonde swordsman was typically good with things like that. One tended to perfect such actions, especially when one slept in the park, but today was not such a day. His skin twitched, and he scratched it, wondering what would set off such a reaction until he heard her voice.
“Baka Gin-chan,” she muttered.
He barely suppressed a sigh. The last place he’d expected to find the violent Yato girl was in a park, even if he could feel the earthquakes that signified her freakishly large alien dog bounding around playing catch (with Hijikata maybe? Hmm, there was an idea). But then again, he’d learned, if painfully, just how unpredictable she was, and he was one sneaky bastard to begin with.
Maybe if he ignored her, she would go away. Then again, he’d learned that lesson too.
“What did he do now?”
It was a good thing her eyes weren’t made of laser beams. He could feel the weight of her stare even under his eye mask.
“He said my food tasted bad!” she said in outrage.
Pulling one side of his eye mask open, he gave a look. “Your food probably does taste bad. It’s not as if monsters care what they eat.” Even as he said it, Okita knew what would happen, but it was practice time, and the gorilla always said to make sure one kept up with their skills.
The combination of fists and legs that came flying in his direction had him leaping from the bench. He retaliated, of course. He wasn’t about to let her off easy for being a girl, which she really wasn’t. She might be packaged all cute, but appearances were very deceptive. You tended to pay for your life with that sort of mistake when it came to Kagura.
He almost came to a dead halt when he realised his thoughts.
Cute!?
Did he think cute!?
She landed a punch with deadly accuracy in a place no man should ever be punched, least of all by someone who could decimate a building with said fist. He blacked out.
Such was the nature of their relationship.
---------------------------------------
When Okita woke up, he had vague recollections of being in hell, where demons kept burning him in the crotch. In fact, while it still burnt, it was a little less painful, but that was like saying he didn’t really want to kill Hijikata that much today. Groaning, he used all his skills to block out the agony when he came to an abrupt realization.
He wasn’t feeling his legs.
On top of destroying the Okita lineage, had that monster also crippled him!?
Filled with righteous rage, he managed to sit up right only to find said monster and its equally monstrous pet lying on his legs.
On the one hand, while he was mildly relieved that he wasn’t a cripple (though the sensation coming back to his legs would no doubt make him wish he were dead), the blonde still wanted to kill someone, and he just couldn’t bring himself to kill a sleeping teenage girl and her dog.
… even if she was blowing the most gigantic sleep bubble from her nose while drooling and her dog was apparently dreaming about alien doggy treats and using his leg as a substitute.
Maybe he would kill after all.
Okita Sougo, who normally was cool and laughed in the face of danger (Hijikata’s mostly), was feeling anything but. The only person (she technically wasn’t one) to ever get him to feel flustered and entirely out of his league at times was this slip of a girl who could level buildings just by playing. He could almost hear his boss laughing mockingly and going on about divine retribution.
The man would be in for a nasty surprise next time he went to the bathroom.
He tried shaking his leg, but both animals were apparently sound sleepers. He tried smacking her face, but he supposed for her, it was rather like having an annoying fly, which she swatted quite nicely. His hand was now bruised on top of it all.
Then, he came across a stroke of particular genius. He’d been searching in his pockets (for something large, concrete, and spike-filled maybe. Weapons? Bombs? Hadn’t they just confiscated some from Katsura and they’d just mysteriously vanished from the evidence area?) when he came across some sukonbu. As for why it was there, Okita chose not to think about it.
He waved it across her nose, watching her practically leap to life and jump on top of him the second she detected its scent.
“GIMME!!!”
That he had not expected. Sixteen year old girl sprawled on top of a twenty year old man in the middle of a park. Even if it was the Meiji Era, and for all their advances, they were NOT that type of society. Nor was it THAT kind of manga.
He pretended he didn’t notice a lot of things.
He threw the sukonbu away and watched as she bounded away. The other beast, awakened by her antics, joined suit.
While the two wrestled over a piece of smelly kelp, he screamed like a girl. He was glad there were no witnesses.
---------------------------------------
“You scream like a girl,” Kagura announced smugly while chewing on that disgusting algae.
“You only wish you screamed like one,” Okita retorted, still feeling distinctly violated and thoroughly unmanned. He wished Hijikata was there so he could get rid of some of this pent-up anger.
She quirked her head and stuck her tongue out at him. Combined with what she was eating, it made for an unsightly combination.
He gagged.
It was turning out to be one of the worst days of his life, and that included the day where he had nearly killed his boss but Kondou-san had wound up taking the hit instead (In hindsight though, he should’ve taken out the both of them so he could properly rule the world) along with the rest of the Shinsengumi. It was always a bad idea to kill underlings - he’d made changes to the plans since then, and never plotted anything involving electricity and onsen again.
Temporarily perking up at the thought of murder, he got up to leave (it was never a good idea to kill civilians on his own shift, even if they were the spawns of the devil themselves, because the paperwork sucked) but he found himself unable to move.
… mostly because the monster had taken to holding his sleeve.
He could try moving but that would result in a ruined uniform, which he could always turn around to sell to Kondou-san and tell him about how the skin-tight look was in.
What was the saying… in for a penny…
“What do you want?” he asked wearily.
“Do you cook?”
“By your standards, yes.”
She knotted her brows and glared up at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Shrugging, he replied, “You eat anything. I’ve read the hospital reports.”
“Why were you reading my hospital reports?”
“Trying to find a weakness?”
Her shoulders slumped. Apparently, his answer had temporarily deflated her.
“I can’t cook. Guys like girls that cook, right?”
“Guys also like girls that behave like girls and not monsters.”
He was lucky he only got tossed halfway across the park.
And that her monster dog only got ONE tooth in his head.
“My cooking’s that bad?” she said, voice sounding smaller than he was used to.
Oh God. It was going to be one of those bad teenage girl moments that Kondou-san had tried hard to explain to all his men. They were fragile and delicate, or something or rather, but none of them had ever encountered a Yato teenage girl. Her hormonal mood swings tended to level cities.
“Did Gin-san end up in hospital?”
“No, but he yelled a lot.” Her brow furrowed. “Something about burning.”
He crossed his legs. He related to that.
“Then it’s okay, isn’t it? He didn’t die from eating your food.”
Okita was pretty sure the last time he checked, he still couldn’t fly. That must mean Kagura just decked him again.
Next time, he thought, he was going to take out a life insurance policy. Or maybe train with her father. And maybe bring tissues.
Damnit.
---------------------------------------
When the blonde genius finally came to, he found himself in a hospital. Across from him, Hijikata smoked, blatantly ignoring the no-smoking sign or the nurse who tried to get him to stop.
“Yamazaki found your body,” the older man said while flipping the pages of his magazine. “Damn boy said something about not being able to twist like that. You upset the monster?”
He couldn’t feel any pain. Surely he wasn’t in hell. He really was a good guy. Someone must’ve made a mistake with the paperwork. Then he noted the drip. Ah, the good stuff, he thought with a dreamy smile.
If he wasn’t mistaken, his boss was looking distinctly pink.
“You know, it’s strange. You can kill some of the most deadliest fighters in the world without breaking a sweat…”
“Except for you…”
“Don’t think I forgot the exploding mayonnaise jar, you bastard!! But that’s not the point, although I don’t really know why that isn’t the point, but here’s the point. The girl beats you to a bloody pulp just about every time, and you know, Kondou’s been making noise about the medical bills from the Shinsengumi.” He frowned. “Don’t tell me you’ve turned into a super M.”
“You’re crazy… and wavy…” Okita’s forehead wrinkled. “And there’s two of you. More to kill!” he brightened.
“Goddamn painkillers. I’m cutting you off,” Hijikata growled and hurled the IV out of the room.
The blonde barely felt the prick of the IV needle come out, but he did notice the three orange-haired girls coming to his room. Shit, he was going to die. It was hell.
“Look, he’s a pain in the ass, but he has his moments, especially when he’s not trying to kill me, and I really don’t feel like finding a replacement for him. Besides, I don’t want him to die in the hospital. It’s very disgraceful for samurai like us to die that way you know. In the line of duty you know, while protecting the country or our leader, but not while he’s all doped up.”
“Doped up? I thought he’d broken his head?” the Kaguras said.
Hijikata snorted. “Concussion, really. The little bastard’s pretty tough, though I’m not sure why he’s on painkillers. Third-rate hospitals. Ugh, nothing but the best for the Shinsengumi.”
“Oh.”
“What, sad that he didn’t die?”
“Sad that I didn’t break bones,” Okita drawled.
She blinked at him. “I knew you wouldn’t break anything.”
The other two Kaguras had apparently disappeared and left him with only one.
“You threw me across the park.”
The teenage girl in the Chinese dress sat down next to him. “You’re like Sadaharu.”
Hijikata snickered. Okita swore he would gut his boss with the dullest knife he could find. Or a badminton racket.
“Sadaharu is the only pet I’ve ever had that I couldn’t kill. I remember the fluffy bunny I had as a little kid, and I loved it so much that I brought it to bed with me. But the next morning, it wasn’t breathing anymore, or even fluffy.”
He thought the dark-haired swordsman was going to choke.
“So he’s… fluffy?” Hijikata finally breathed only to get decked into tomorrow.
It was okay. Okita would take care of the remainder when he got back.
“Insensitive man,” Kagura grumbled. “STUPID MAN.”
“You understand why we need to rid the world of such a man, and why I should rule the…” he broke off when he noticed her blue eyes fixated on him. “Wait, you’re talking about ME?”
“Do you see any other insensitive stupid men here??”
“Well Hijikata-san was… oh. That’s why you smacked him. Wait, why am I the stupid insensitive jerk??”
Kagura folded her arms and looked at him.
He twitched. “I told you that your cooking wasn’t that bad. It didn’t kill Gin-san, did it?”
She tapped her foot.
“What? You want me to praise your cooking? I can’t very well say anything cos’ I haven’t eaten it yet!!”
His stomach seriously chose the most inappropriate time to grumble. He could see her face lighting up like a candle.
“Doctor said uh, no solids for a while.”
“I put together the most nutritious and delicious stuff together.”
She probably threw ice cream and ground beef in a shake.
It was worse. It was soup, and had broccoli in it.
“I’m allergic to broccoli!!”
“No you’re not!!”
He blamed his condition. Concussions were never conducive to struggling with an absurdly strong alien teenage girl, much less one determined to poison and kill him.
He told himself it tasted worse going down than coming up.
He was wrong.
Kagura blinked. “Maybe Gin-san was right about the expired ice cream.”
The monster was going to kill him.
“And the broccoli shouldn’t glow like that.”
At least he was in the hospital.
“And that ground beef shouldn’t move.”
He was going to have a long talk with God about divine retribution and giving him a masochistic nature, really he was. After he was done puking of course.
---------------------------------------
For some reason, returning to the land of the living felt like punishment to Okita. His eyes barely cranked open. He’d spent half the evening throwing up the contents of his stomach, and possibly some organs he didn’t even recall having. Where enemies had failed to kill him, he’d been taken down by a sixteen year old alien girl. Monster, he corrected. Vicious monster with sharp teeth and pretty blue eyes…
Damn concussion. He must’ve hit his head worse than he thought.
Porcelain was damn cold, he thought. His cheek had nearly frozen off, and he was in someone’s joke of pajamas because the stuff really fit too tight and it was rather frilly and…
WHY WAS HE WEARING WOMEN’S PAJAMAS?!?!?!
He nearly leapt off the ground if it weren’t for the weight at his legs… again.
If he found a dog and an alien girl again…
Well, only an alien girl. He could’ve kicked her off till next year, or at the very least, exacted some form of sadistic punishment but she was drooling on his leg and possibly gnawing a bit at it as if she were dreaming about sukonbu.
Damnit, was Hijikata right? Had he, Okita Sougo, sadism master of all masters, turned into an M!?
He told himself he was sorry when he kicked her, but she really had the reflexes of a monster befitting her alien self. She landed on her feet and rubbed at her eyes sleepily. The clothes she wore were oversized. An Otsu T-shirt told him where the top had come from, and the too-long pants with parfaits printed all over gave no doubt as to who the owner was.
“SO WHY AM I WEARING YOUR PAJAMAS?!!?!” he yelled.
She blinked at him. “You smelled funny. You couldn’t stop barfing. Even the nurses got grossed out. I think Sadaharu only ate it once and then he threw up too. Then Gin-chan threw up too. So I had to change you into something not so smelly.”
“BUT WHY DIDN’T I WEAR WHAT YOU WERE WEARING???”
The perfect picture of outrage, she shouted, “You pervert! You want the clothes I’m wearing now so I’m naked?”
“I didn’t say that!!! Why didn’t you just wear you own pajamas and I wear what you’re wearing now?”
She slapped him. “You still want to see me naked? You can’t try the goods before you buy!”
“I don’t want to try your goods!!! I just want my clothes back!!!”
“We burned them.”
“WHAT?!?!?”
“Burned them. Gin-chan said they were contagious or something. And they smelled bad. The gorilla said he would give you a new uniform when you came back.”
He was Okita Sougo. He did not scream in outrage. He did not wear frilly women’s underthings (even if they were surprisingly comfortable). He did not get food poisoning from some teenage monster’s idea of food. Those were all things that Hijikata Toushi was supposed to experience.
It all started with the food. It had to end with the food. He would end it.
… or possibly his own life.
He’d heard it was an honourable way to end one’s life through committing seppuku (not before taking his boss out with him first though).
“You feeling okay?” Kagura asked.
Okita Sougo also did not rattle off a string of profanity that would make fathers proud.
The teenager was looking distinctly cross-eyed. “I don’t think that’s possible, but Gin-chan says I’m not wise enough to the ways of the world.” She even waggled her brows when she said the last few words. “… whatever that means.”
“You… you…”
He wasn’t sure when he started sputtering either.
“Oooh it’s a game! Me… me…”
She looked at him expectantly.
He was going to put a fist through something.
Everyone always told him he was smart. Around her though, he was feeling as stupid as… well, the gorilla they hailed as the Shinsengumi’s leader. Or Hijikata.
“You…” he repeated, and unexpectedly, pinched her cheeks. “Make it better next time.”
Okita Sougo did NOT feel pleased because her eyes sparkled happily. Okita Sougo did not see pretty bubbles behind her as if it were some shoujo manga because it was most definitely not. Okita Sougo did, however, feel his stomach churn violently at the thought of being attacked by more of Kagura’s monster food.
He still had time to move far away. Become a monk perhaps. Commit seppuku. Be leader of Shinsengumi (that one still snuck in somehow) and then commit seppuku. That was a better plan.
Afterall, most things in life were pretty easy for him.