so.... (List)
One of my strategies for keeping track of myself with relationships was to make a list. I've been thinking about it and making a mental one since I heard about Foo's list at the begining of Faire, and 2 days ago, I wrote it down.
So, because I've actually started getting interested in a guy, I've been keeping track of that list- checking things out. It's got what George calls "dealbreakers", important things and things that would be nice. I do this because I have seen the extent to which I can fool myself into thinking things are okay, and the extent to which I can wave aside things for the moment that become really important in the long run.
The idea of the long run is that I'm absolutely sick to the heart of loving deeply and leaving because it just doesn't work. I want to get off of the ride. I want to find someone to stay with, and while I've been enjoying playing with people, and dating could be okay, anyone I'd consider for a real relationship would have to be someone I could consider for the long run.
So far, he hasn't been vetoed and I'm generally pretty impressed. I mean, I want to double-check a lot, but he's covered most of it already (via what I observe of his actions, what I hear from friends, and what he has to say). There are details I wouldn't have thought of, but that once I spotted them, remembered how much I like. Hmmmm. On the other hand, there are a couple things I feel like I need to ask about, and tons more I want to know.
I put some of my spiritual stuff on the table (well mostly just that it was important to me). He impressed me by asking where it came from (was it part of a system, or something I arrived at through my own exploration and experience?). I could not have come up with a better question to cut to the heart of what is actually important (or idiotic and potentially worring/destructive) about spirituality being important to people. He himself seems to have just the sort of balance with the thing that I would want someone I was close to to have (a very logical, rational, scientific mind, but with enough personal experiences close to some of mine and enough understanding of quantum physics that he has a good idea of how flexible reality is). Yay. Also, sounds like he was raised in a pretty similar household about religious stuff (ie- look at everything and take your own path). Not having evil baggage with this is very nice.
I'm going very carefully, but my interest seems pretty justified.
My list (so far)
Mandatory Qualities:
Dependable, self assured, self aware, empathetic, sensitive, passionate/intense (generally about things in their life besides me, and also me), intelligent, open to new things, critical thinker, good friend (to me and their other friends). Honest (with self and others). Wants to do good for the world (little or big, not specific as to how). Takes pride/care/attention to the things they pursue. Steadfast (not just stubborn). Interested in life. Can feel energy.
Important Qualities:
Romantic
Can be playful and energetic
Important- Life in Practice:
To me:
-Challenges and teaches me
-I feel comfortable being around them in all kinds of moods, even the not-entertaining bits. Feel comfortable around them even when I am weak.
-They are comfortable with (even proud of) me being strong.
-I would be comfortable going to them if I were in trouble.
-Will stand up for themselves if I infringe on them- no pretzel-boys.
-default with ex girlfriends is friendship.
-doesn't tend to dismiss things as meaningless or stupid
-willing to reconsider things and approach them from a new perspective
In general:
Mandatory-
-Would want children
-Would be open to living in a community
-Would be supportive and understanding of my spiritual stuff
-Pulls their own weight (in whatever shared situation- no more rearing boys).
-No lost boys. What they want in life can be flexible, or up for evaluation, but the adrift with no initiative, or unsure where a relationship fits into their life, no.
-No smoking, no habitual drugs, no serious attachment/need for drinking.
-Gets along with my best friends. They like him.
-I have to be attracted to him.
-Good communication
-Wants to live in bay area
Important
-sharing a good number of things in common with me is nice, but especially.... likes building things, likes cooking (or is willing to learn and share cooking with me), helpful with things (cleaning up, taking care of stuff), thoughtful
-Formal education goes at least as far as graduating college- if not, self education and critical thought to a very high degree is mandatory.
-Capable of some romance (better if they enjoy it themselves)
-Appreciates fantasy
-Comfortable in their body, healthy, physically active.
-Appreciation for natural places, nature.
-A sense of personal responsibility
-Challenges self, lifelong learner.
-Not a weakling (doesn’t have to be able to beat me in a wrestling match, but can’t be an easily defeated personality, or a pushover- if it’s important, and they have to, they fight for it)
-Not violent or embracing of violence. The self assurance to seek other solutions. Not believing that anger or violence is the solution
-they don’t need me. They are a complete person. They can be learning and working and feel that it is important to have someone in their lives (theoretically me), but they need to be complete within themselves.
-Supportive of me doing my art
-not socially handicapped (don’t have to be adept, but must be aware)
-not addicted to tv.
-shares themselves with me. Their opinions, even if they think I will disagree. Someone who has things they love that they want to share with someone else.
-the sex stuff would have to be good between us.
-understanding of play with other people- okay with some flexibility with how open the relationship is. I don't feel like I would need a full-time, totally open thing anymore. It gets messy and I'm tired. But it has to be okay once in a while, in certain circumstances, or with friends who are sometimes sensual with each other.
-not inexperienced sexually. Wouldn't be intimidated by me.
-Likes cats and can live without dogs
-Not too worried about what people think of them.
-can be a good anchor during meditation
-Interested in history and the way things and people work.
I’ve realized that someone with a more stable life than mine to balance me out is important (maybe even more than I thought), but I'm also starting to think that a stable income is more a part of that than I would ever had wanted to think. I feel a bit creepy even thinking about it, but when I think about kids and building a house and being an artist/teacher together with stress, I realize that the other person having a stable income could make a really big difference.
Nice
-Craftiness (good at making things, capable around the house/garden/car whatever)
-Appreciates art
-Observant
-Can climb
-Geek is good.
-Music is good.
-likes reading aloud.
-can drive well
-can dance well
-can dance as couple
-some martial arts training
-Able to be spontaneous on their own
-gentleman
-gets along with my mother and her family would be nice.
-gets along with his family (or at least some part of it)
-enough of a similar background that adapting to a totally different cultural paradigm is not a problem for either of us.
So, because I've actually started getting interested in a guy, I've been keeping track of that list- checking things out. It's got what George calls "dealbreakers", important things and things that would be nice. I do this because I have seen the extent to which I can fool myself into thinking things are okay, and the extent to which I can wave aside things for the moment that become really important in the long run.
The idea of the long run is that I'm absolutely sick to the heart of loving deeply and leaving because it just doesn't work. I want to get off of the ride. I want to find someone to stay with, and while I've been enjoying playing with people, and dating could be okay, anyone I'd consider for a real relationship would have to be someone I could consider for the long run.
So far, he hasn't been vetoed and I'm generally pretty impressed. I mean, I want to double-check a lot, but he's covered most of it already (via what I observe of his actions, what I hear from friends, and what he has to say). There are details I wouldn't have thought of, but that once I spotted them, remembered how much I like. Hmmmm. On the other hand, there are a couple things I feel like I need to ask about, and tons more I want to know.
I put some of my spiritual stuff on the table (well mostly just that it was important to me). He impressed me by asking where it came from (was it part of a system, or something I arrived at through my own exploration and experience?). I could not have come up with a better question to cut to the heart of what is actually important (or idiotic and potentially worring/destructive) about spirituality being important to people. He himself seems to have just the sort of balance with the thing that I would want someone I was close to to have (a very logical, rational, scientific mind, but with enough personal experiences close to some of mine and enough understanding of quantum physics that he has a good idea of how flexible reality is). Yay. Also, sounds like he was raised in a pretty similar household about religious stuff (ie- look at everything and take your own path). Not having evil baggage with this is very nice.
I'm going very carefully, but my interest seems pretty justified.
My list (so far)
Mandatory Qualities:
Dependable, self assured, self aware, empathetic, sensitive, passionate/intense (generally about things in their life besides me, and also me), intelligent, open to new things, critical thinker, good friend (to me and their other friends). Honest (with self and others). Wants to do good for the world (little or big, not specific as to how). Takes pride/care/attention to the things they pursue. Steadfast (not just stubborn). Interested in life. Can feel energy.
Important Qualities:
Romantic
Can be playful and energetic
Important- Life in Practice:
To me:
-Challenges and teaches me
-I feel comfortable being around them in all kinds of moods, even the not-entertaining bits. Feel comfortable around them even when I am weak.
-They are comfortable with (even proud of) me being strong.
-I would be comfortable going to them if I were in trouble.
-Will stand up for themselves if I infringe on them- no pretzel-boys.
-default with ex girlfriends is friendship.
-doesn't tend to dismiss things as meaningless or stupid
-willing to reconsider things and approach them from a new perspective
In general:
Mandatory-
-Would want children
-Would be open to living in a community
-Would be supportive and understanding of my spiritual stuff
-Pulls their own weight (in whatever shared situation- no more rearing boys).
-No lost boys. What they want in life can be flexible, or up for evaluation, but the adrift with no initiative, or unsure where a relationship fits into their life, no.
-No smoking, no habitual drugs, no serious attachment/need for drinking.
-Gets along with my best friends. They like him.
-I have to be attracted to him.
-Good communication
-Wants to live in bay area
Important
-sharing a good number of things in common with me is nice, but especially.... likes building things, likes cooking (or is willing to learn and share cooking with me), helpful with things (cleaning up, taking care of stuff), thoughtful
-Formal education goes at least as far as graduating college- if not, self education and critical thought to a very high degree is mandatory.
-Capable of some romance (better if they enjoy it themselves)
-Appreciates fantasy
-Comfortable in their body, healthy, physically active.
-Appreciation for natural places, nature.
-A sense of personal responsibility
-Challenges self, lifelong learner.
-Not a weakling (doesn’t have to be able to beat me in a wrestling match, but can’t be an easily defeated personality, or a pushover- if it’s important, and they have to, they fight for it)
-Not violent or embracing of violence. The self assurance to seek other solutions. Not believing that anger or violence is the solution
-they don’t need me. They are a complete person. They can be learning and working and feel that it is important to have someone in their lives (theoretically me), but they need to be complete within themselves.
-Supportive of me doing my art
-not socially handicapped (don’t have to be adept, but must be aware)
-not addicted to tv.
-shares themselves with me. Their opinions, even if they think I will disagree. Someone who has things they love that they want to share with someone else.
-the sex stuff would have to be good between us.
-understanding of play with other people- okay with some flexibility with how open the relationship is. I don't feel like I would need a full-time, totally open thing anymore. It gets messy and I'm tired. But it has to be okay once in a while, in certain circumstances, or with friends who are sometimes sensual with each other.
-not inexperienced sexually. Wouldn't be intimidated by me.
-Likes cats and can live without dogs
-Not too worried about what people think of them.
-can be a good anchor during meditation
-Interested in history and the way things and people work.
I’ve realized that someone with a more stable life than mine to balance me out is important (maybe even more than I thought), but I'm also starting to think that a stable income is more a part of that than I would ever had wanted to think. I feel a bit creepy even thinking about it, but when I think about kids and building a house and being an artist/teacher together with stress, I realize that the other person having a stable income could make a really big difference.
Nice
-Craftiness (good at making things, capable around the house/garden/car whatever)
-Appreciates art
-Observant
-Can climb
-Geek is good.
-Music is good.
-likes reading aloud.
-can drive well
-can dance well
-can dance as couple
-some martial arts training
-Able to be spontaneous on their own
-gentleman
-gets along with my mother and her family would be nice.
-gets along with his family (or at least some part of it)
-enough of a similar background that adapting to a totally different cultural paradigm is not a problem for either of us.