when I look at you, heaven's on fire
I really wanted to keep this thing going, but someone who reads this became intimately involved with my life and that prevents me from being a completely uncensored, expressive Livejournaler, which is the only kind of Livejournaler worth being.
I hate how that happens. I write in here because I want to share, but you can't always share everything with everyone, can you?
So, here's a summary. Life went on, I forgot about my sadness about Andy, yes, forgot is the right word. I didn't forget to be cautious and afraid of being close to someone, but someone crept closer and closer by accident, or intentionally maybe. Someone unfolded, and only to me, so gradually I didn't realize what happened until I couldn't live without knowing where else we could go together. We went somewhere rewarding, startlingly intense, joyful, frustrating, disappointing, interesting and exciting, enlightening, beautiful, and unexpectedly right. It was, in every way, MUCH more than I expected and much more than I wanted. I'm not sure if I'm capable of being satisfied with a relationship right now. Any amount of frustration or disappointment makes me lose my entire reservoir of patience. But that's not really true, is it. In some ways, I applied patience more effectively with this person than I ever have before. In some ways, this person is more right for me than I thought anyone ever would be. It's strange, what you'll put up with, and what you'll give up willingly, even when you may be happier doing the opposite. That's not true either, I mean, I know I wouldn't be happy with this person, not right now. There are things that are so blindingly right, so unbelievably, ecstatically, elegantly right. Some things I'm not sure how I could possibly live without, now that I realize they're available. But some things that, day to day, would eat away at me, knowing that I deserve different, not better, but more understandable, more similar, more something or less something. Things that, on the surface, seem much less important than the perfect things. I suppose no amount of right can mask certain types of wrongs... even ones that I know I should be able to skim over and forget. Or should I?
One of my friends said a couple weeks ago about love, "It's the only thing in life which, no matter how much experience, how much practice, how much knowledge or insight you have, you're always starting from scratch." I've been thinking about that ever since he said it - how perfectly he expressed why love infuriates my systematic brain. Knowledge and experience are how I navigate life - not intuition, not emotion. But I will never pin down exactly what I need in relationships, what I deserve, what to settle for, what to hold out for, what to be patient about and what to leave over. And if it FEELS like settling, I never, ever will. But that's the stupid thing. With Andy, it never felt like settling, I was never distracted by better or just different prospects, I KNEW that he was "the one". AND HE WASN'T. What are you supposed to do, knowing that? How am I ever supposed to make life decisions based on what FEELS right? People say "when you meet 'the one', you just KNOW." NO, that's wrong. The correct conclusion is that when people feel the emotion "just know," they DECIDE that that person is "the one".
Maybe a month ago, a coworker(/friend) asked me if I ever feel pressure to find true love. I haven't quite gotten over that conversation. What a worrisome thought. Yes, I do. But, how pointless! Pressure! To find true love! It's so unproductive. And what is "true love"? This coworker and I were both in relationships at the time of that conversation... yet we both felt worried that we hadn't found it. I don't know what he meant by "true love," really. But I guess what I mean is a love that seems almost entirely right. A love I can live with. A love that seems to coexist with Joelle, and produces a happier Joelle, but not a lazier, more reclusive, more tame Joelle. A Joelle as wonderful as Single Joelle, but that feels a sense of peace, richness, and adoration that Single Joelle is missing. I want to believe in that kind of love. Love comes so easily to me, but multi-dimensional, compounding love is SO RARE. I think I loved Andy the same way, the whole 5 years I was with him.
Anyway, I rarely make mistakes, or at least I don't perceive them later as mistakes, so I don't feel regretful for ending this thing. I wish I could focus on moving on, though. I want to feel like I did months ago, like there's a city full of possibilities out there, full of interesting and available and potentially right people. I'm so fucking glad I went through with this mini-relationship, it sounds absolutely cheesy but I experienced feelings and a dimension of love I didn't know were possible for me, but I also feel a bit hopeless about finding those things again, now. I guess here's the part where I remember that I am the toughest person I know, and I can find hope ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT! It happened so quickly and conveniently this time, why not again? Yeah, that's the spirit, me!
Also, I've got other things to worry about. For example, I'm sick of not getting my promotion. That's really my primary cause of stress right now. I understand my boss is busy. But I'm fucking poor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, more importantly, I'm sick of feeling like I'm going nowhere and being unsure of my place, i.e. not getting any concrete reassurance that I am awesome. Well, this entry was about love, and I'm done talking about that now, so goodbye.
I hate how that happens. I write in here because I want to share, but you can't always share everything with everyone, can you?
So, here's a summary. Life went on, I forgot about my sadness about Andy, yes, forgot is the right word. I didn't forget to be cautious and afraid of being close to someone, but someone crept closer and closer by accident, or intentionally maybe. Someone unfolded, and only to me, so gradually I didn't realize what happened until I couldn't live without knowing where else we could go together. We went somewhere rewarding, startlingly intense, joyful, frustrating, disappointing, interesting and exciting, enlightening, beautiful, and unexpectedly right. It was, in every way, MUCH more than I expected and much more than I wanted. I'm not sure if I'm capable of being satisfied with a relationship right now. Any amount of frustration or disappointment makes me lose my entire reservoir of patience. But that's not really true, is it. In some ways, I applied patience more effectively with this person than I ever have before. In some ways, this person is more right for me than I thought anyone ever would be. It's strange, what you'll put up with, and what you'll give up willingly, even when you may be happier doing the opposite. That's not true either, I mean, I know I wouldn't be happy with this person, not right now. There are things that are so blindingly right, so unbelievably, ecstatically, elegantly right. Some things I'm not sure how I could possibly live without, now that I realize they're available. But some things that, day to day, would eat away at me, knowing that I deserve different, not better, but more understandable, more similar, more something or less something. Things that, on the surface, seem much less important than the perfect things. I suppose no amount of right can mask certain types of wrongs... even ones that I know I should be able to skim over and forget. Or should I?
One of my friends said a couple weeks ago about love, "It's the only thing in life which, no matter how much experience, how much practice, how much knowledge or insight you have, you're always starting from scratch." I've been thinking about that ever since he said it - how perfectly he expressed why love infuriates my systematic brain. Knowledge and experience are how I navigate life - not intuition, not emotion. But I will never pin down exactly what I need in relationships, what I deserve, what to settle for, what to hold out for, what to be patient about and what to leave over. And if it FEELS like settling, I never, ever will. But that's the stupid thing. With Andy, it never felt like settling, I was never distracted by better or just different prospects, I KNEW that he was "the one". AND HE WASN'T. What are you supposed to do, knowing that? How am I ever supposed to make life decisions based on what FEELS right? People say "when you meet 'the one', you just KNOW." NO, that's wrong. The correct conclusion is that when people feel the emotion "just know," they DECIDE that that person is "the one".
Maybe a month ago, a coworker(/friend) asked me if I ever feel pressure to find true love. I haven't quite gotten over that conversation. What a worrisome thought. Yes, I do. But, how pointless! Pressure! To find true love! It's so unproductive. And what is "true love"? This coworker and I were both in relationships at the time of that conversation... yet we both felt worried that we hadn't found it. I don't know what he meant by "true love," really. But I guess what I mean is a love that seems almost entirely right. A love I can live with. A love that seems to coexist with Joelle, and produces a happier Joelle, but not a lazier, more reclusive, more tame Joelle. A Joelle as wonderful as Single Joelle, but that feels a sense of peace, richness, and adoration that Single Joelle is missing. I want to believe in that kind of love. Love comes so easily to me, but multi-dimensional, compounding love is SO RARE. I think I loved Andy the same way, the whole 5 years I was with him.
Anyway, I rarely make mistakes, or at least I don't perceive them later as mistakes, so I don't feel regretful for ending this thing. I wish I could focus on moving on, though. I want to feel like I did months ago, like there's a city full of possibilities out there, full of interesting and available and potentially right people. I'm so fucking glad I went through with this mini-relationship, it sounds absolutely cheesy but I experienced feelings and a dimension of love I didn't know were possible for me, but I also feel a bit hopeless about finding those things again, now. I guess here's the part where I remember that I am the toughest person I know, and I can find hope ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT! It happened so quickly and conveniently this time, why not again? Yeah, that's the spirit, me!
Also, I've got other things to worry about. For example, I'm sick of not getting my promotion. That's really my primary cause of stress right now. I understand my boss is busy. But I'm fucking poor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, more importantly, I'm sick of feeling like I'm going nowhere and being unsure of my place, i.e. not getting any concrete reassurance that I am awesome. Well, this entry was about love, and I'm done talking about that now, so goodbye.