misfit-by thread
this song is amazing. holy crap. i realize that the words don't mean much, and that it's a pretty specific sound, and musicians with no spectacular talent.
this song represents a very pivotal time in my life. a time where i discovered myself. which is why it's so striking to listen to it now. this morning. this summer.
everyone has those songs or genres or bands that just feel like home. for whatever reason, it just feels comfortable...like that old sweatshirt you keep hanging on to, or that pair of shoes or whatever.
this summer has been crazy for me. it's been a time where i've been trying to balance two big parts of myself and consequently two different groups of friends and even two homes. the college kid in me, the one with the good stories and bad habits and late nights and the church kid in me, who reads her bible every day (that she's home) and loves spending sunday morning at church. these kids have been at odds since june.
i feel like i finally have to deal with this. i feel so amazing and fulfilled when i indulge the church kid in me. really, it's fantastic. literally the best feeling in the world, just letting go and worshiping and being that ila. i love it. as close to perfect as it gets, as far as i'm concerned. i feel like i'm always tripping over my integrity when i'm the college kid. like i can tip-toe around stuff and still be okay, if only for a few hours. but still, i insist on keeping up those bad habits and just dealing with the bruises. why am i so obsessed with satisfying the desires of my flesh, even after all the hurt it's caused?
i was especially thinking about this regarding my pretty recent past. without going into much detail, i've found myself wondering these last few weeks why i was willing to deal with so much hurt. why i ignored it, or pretended it wasn't there or as bad as i thought. was i so scared of life alone that i just dealt with what i did to be a part of something? and why, after thinking about it for a little while, was i so quick to look at pictures and try to convince myself how happy i must have been?
the point is that i'm at odds with myself. i have been trying to find a happy medium, knowing full well that the happy medium can't exist. i can't be both girls. i can't be needy and strong. i can't be college kid and church kid. the mere thought of it tells me that i am still trying to please people around me, that i'm still trying to be defined by my friends instead of stepping up and doing the defining, that i'm still obsessed with trying to get people to like me.
so here it is world. i'm putting it out there, here and now. i'm hereby only ila. not college ila, not church ila, just plain ila. i can (re)gain my sanity and i am doing so now. i'm not going to be ashamed of what i've done. i'm not going to shrug off urges to do the right thing when it looks like the harder road. i am no longer going to let myself be convinced that quality people won't like the real me.
take it or leave it.
now, it's just too bad that this came about ten years too late. it does, however, make me really happy to know that wideawake inspired my early morning rantings. they just feel like home somehow.
this song represents a very pivotal time in my life. a time where i discovered myself. which is why it's so striking to listen to it now. this morning. this summer.
everyone has those songs or genres or bands that just feel like home. for whatever reason, it just feels comfortable...like that old sweatshirt you keep hanging on to, or that pair of shoes or whatever.
this summer has been crazy for me. it's been a time where i've been trying to balance two big parts of myself and consequently two different groups of friends and even two homes. the college kid in me, the one with the good stories and bad habits and late nights and the church kid in me, who reads her bible every day (that she's home) and loves spending sunday morning at church. these kids have been at odds since june.
i feel like i finally have to deal with this. i feel so amazing and fulfilled when i indulge the church kid in me. really, it's fantastic. literally the best feeling in the world, just letting go and worshiping and being that ila. i love it. as close to perfect as it gets, as far as i'm concerned. i feel like i'm always tripping over my integrity when i'm the college kid. like i can tip-toe around stuff and still be okay, if only for a few hours. but still, i insist on keeping up those bad habits and just dealing with the bruises. why am i so obsessed with satisfying the desires of my flesh, even after all the hurt it's caused?
i was especially thinking about this regarding my pretty recent past. without going into much detail, i've found myself wondering these last few weeks why i was willing to deal with so much hurt. why i ignored it, or pretended it wasn't there or as bad as i thought. was i so scared of life alone that i just dealt with what i did to be a part of something? and why, after thinking about it for a little while, was i so quick to look at pictures and try to convince myself how happy i must have been?
the point is that i'm at odds with myself. i have been trying to find a happy medium, knowing full well that the happy medium can't exist. i can't be both girls. i can't be needy and strong. i can't be college kid and church kid. the mere thought of it tells me that i am still trying to please people around me, that i'm still trying to be defined by my friends instead of stepping up and doing the defining, that i'm still obsessed with trying to get people to like me.
so here it is world. i'm putting it out there, here and now. i'm hereby only ila. not college ila, not church ila, just plain ila. i can (re)gain my sanity and i am doing so now. i'm not going to be ashamed of what i've done. i'm not going to shrug off urges to do the right thing when it looks like the harder road. i am no longer going to let myself be convinced that quality people won't like the real me.
take it or leave it.
now, it's just too bad that this came about ten years too late. it does, however, make me really happy to know that wideawake inspired my early morning rantings. they just feel like home somehow.