(no subject)
Sigh. My mom wigged out again because I skipped school. I don't take it to heart obviously, but I hate the fact that she goes overboard and insinuates I'm going to ruin my life half the time. She talks about me making life harder on myself (and I do) but she also complains I take the easy way out (and I do) so I don't see the point (but I actually do).
I wanna skip tomorrow. Being not only 5.5.05 (The OFFICIAL Senior Skip Day) and also a day I can chill with my homies I know what'll happen if I do. It'll be another thing of disgust - and since it follows up right on the tail end of another skip day, I'll be prone to even more wrath.
Of course I also have to work no less than an hour after I get off from school. I know people who say having to be at work that soon doesn't bother them. I think they're fucking nuts. I wanna go home after school. I wanna slouch back, grab some food, and relax a bit. I don't wanna quickly shower, eat, change my clothes and run out the door into another five hours of mandatory service.
I dunno what to do about Prom. I'm gonna have to go Stag (and my mom has some WONDERFUL opinions about that) Harmon has apparently got the entire nite booked with Lisa and what do I have? A mom that forgot her promise (apparently) to buy me a shirt I need in order to go. Thanks mom. Like you also forgot to give me the money I need to get a YMCA pass. Damnit I better get smashed somehow, some way.
Jesus christ does this woman ever have money? I swear she had some when she went to buy a brand-new dress for a wedding of the son of a coworker (I swear to god) but if I need money for stuff its not there.
And the funny thing is I'm not even mad at her right now. I'm just... letting it all go. What the hell can I do?
On a different subject, my mother touched upon one of my major flaws today - I never tap my potential. Truly, I could have been valedictorian, I could have scored 1500+ on my SATs, I could have aced each class I was in (INCLUDING PE if I forced myself to work out) and I could have had a 6.0+ GPA...
Instead, I slacked. Oh I know I'm potentially capable of things, but the damned thing is once you do something of that calibre, people expect it from you from then on! Its much easier to have moments of brilliance interspersing your mediocrity than moments of mediocrity interrupting your brilliance. And I'm lazy.
I don't wanna work, I don't wanna exert, and I don't like being pushed.
But the fucking thing is I'm GOOD at working. I do it well. I follow through. I'll just do anything I can to avoid doing it at all.
And ya know something, I even like my job! The people are good, my bosses are good, pay's not so bad.
So what the fuck is wrong with me?! I have no ambition, no driving force, but I have big dreams. I want a lot of things. What the hell am I doing?
I feel like I'm a giant fusion engine. Every so often someone tries starting me up by nuking me but all that does is keep me going for a little while before I burn out again. I'm waiting for that day when someone ignites this engine and I just keep going till the day I die but I have no fucking clue how to do that.
Its not easy finding a drive or motivation - people who have it have no idea how lucky they are. Its not fun being someone with great potential but who has no idea how to use it. I dunno if I wanna involve myself with something great, create something great, or do both! I just don't know.
Sometimes I wish life were like a Manga or Anime just so that some mysterious person leaves such a mark on me that I get off my lazy ass and do something. Because right now my self-disgust just isn't cutting it.
Add to that another conundrum presented to me today - mom tells me I can have a job where she works. Eight bucks an hour, air conditioned, etc. 40hrs a week.
This is opposing the eight or nine bucks an hour I'd be making with my brother in law spraying lawns with fertilizer. (Its chemical, not shit, you a-holes) Also 40hrs a week. Schedule is a TAD bit more flexible, as are a couple of other things.
DAMNIT! Why did this have to happen now. Especially when my brother in law asked me to tell him before May 1st if I wasn't going to work with him.
God this sucks. lol At least my phone is back.