(no subject)
This one's for you Mommy because I can't talk to you i have to write and hope that you're somewhere out there reading what i write:
I've just read an old diary of mine where I said that i would kill myself in case you would somewhen die and you know i really meant it, i told you. I've told you a thousand times that i could never live without you but now i'm doing it, have i've been lying? have I betrayed you?
Somehow i feel i have because I'm just living my life without you like nothing has happened. Everything fades, i can't even remember the daily life with you and it makes me feel so bad. I mean, I can't just forget you, i betray you when I forget the slightest thing about you. But i just can't keep the memories, they're fading like sand in my hands, I can't remember the sound of your laugh, your voice, everything is gone and it hurts so badly!
I mean, it's not that i would need these things to survive but i think it would make you feel bad in case you knew that i'm losing it. You would never forget anything about me, would you? you would have kept my memory so dearly that you wouldn't have forgotten the slightest thing. You would have remembered my smile, my voice, me saying "Mommy I love you", just everything and I can't.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder why I have stopped dreaming about you. You promised me you would be in my dreams, you promised me, but you aren't!!! I need you mommy, I long for you, I long for seeing you face, for hearing your voice but I have nothing.
In the beginning it hurt when I saw kids with their mothers but it doesn't hurt anymore, there's nothing inside anymore. The people use to tell me it's ok, that you would want me to go on, but how can they know? Do you really want me to move on? Because if i do, isn't the spot that once belong to you getting smaller and smaller? It's not even a year and i already feel as if you have died so long ago. I've grown, I've changed so much, you maybe wouldn't recognize me anymore. I'm not the sweet child I once was, I've become numb and cold inside. I'm a good player, i know how to make people believe that everyhting is ok, that i can cope with whatever hits me but sometimes i can't and no one is there to guide me. No one mommy!!! There are a thousand of people right beside me that care for me but I don't want them to care, they're not the right ones. They don't know me like you did and it feels so wrong when they tell me "Your Mom would want you to do it"!!!! They don't know what you really wanted me to be, but neither do I!
There are so many things I remember about my childhood with you but the things that are close, the last month with you seem so far away!
I have my friend, my wonderful boyfriend and sometimes it's so cool to be me, but when I'm home, alone in 'your' flat, where everything is just so you, where even the bedroom still smells like you, I miss you the most. I don't cry anymore, i try to forget the painful last hours with you where I could have saved you if I had just known what had gotten you. Why didn't you listen to me when your leg was hurting??? I was right mommy, even though you laughed and told me I had watched to much ER!!! Why did I believe you? Why didn't I drag you to see the doctor?? You could be alive, mommy, I could have saved you!!!!! The doctor could have saved you but he didn't!!!!!!! Why am I feeling so guilty but don't blame HIM??? He was with you, he should have seen it!
And then I sometimes wonder how it was to die....Have you been afraid?? Has Daddy hold your hand? They send me away, I'm sorry I wasn't there to kiss you goodbye! I'M sorry mommy! I couldn't stand to see you die!!!!!!!! I couldn't....I wonder if you heard me begging to you in the hospital to not leave, if you heard me crying to you like a little child. I saw the doctors, they were so kind, one woman even cried when I was begging because they knew it was worthless. I just didn't want to believe it.I couldn't believe it util I stood at your grave and saw the name on the stone, threw my favourite necklace in the whole. How can you just be a name on a tombstone? You have been so much more to me.
Now I stop this because it's leading nowhere! I love you, you know it and no matter what happens in my life, I try to be what you wanted me to be...that's all i can do.
Meine liebste Meimi, bitte komm wieder zu mir in den Träumen, das ist alles was ich habe....
I've just read an old diary of mine where I said that i would kill myself in case you would somewhen die and you know i really meant it, i told you. I've told you a thousand times that i could never live without you but now i'm doing it, have i've been lying? have I betrayed you?
Somehow i feel i have because I'm just living my life without you like nothing has happened. Everything fades, i can't even remember the daily life with you and it makes me feel so bad. I mean, I can't just forget you, i betray you when I forget the slightest thing about you. But i just can't keep the memories, they're fading like sand in my hands, I can't remember the sound of your laugh, your voice, everything is gone and it hurts so badly!
I mean, it's not that i would need these things to survive but i think it would make you feel bad in case you knew that i'm losing it. You would never forget anything about me, would you? you would have kept my memory so dearly that you wouldn't have forgotten the slightest thing. You would have remembered my smile, my voice, me saying "Mommy I love you", just everything and I can't.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder why I have stopped dreaming about you. You promised me you would be in my dreams, you promised me, but you aren't!!! I need you mommy, I long for you, I long for seeing you face, for hearing your voice but I have nothing.
In the beginning it hurt when I saw kids with their mothers but it doesn't hurt anymore, there's nothing inside anymore. The people use to tell me it's ok, that you would want me to go on, but how can they know? Do you really want me to move on? Because if i do, isn't the spot that once belong to you getting smaller and smaller? It's not even a year and i already feel as if you have died so long ago. I've grown, I've changed so much, you maybe wouldn't recognize me anymore. I'm not the sweet child I once was, I've become numb and cold inside. I'm a good player, i know how to make people believe that everyhting is ok, that i can cope with whatever hits me but sometimes i can't and no one is there to guide me. No one mommy!!! There are a thousand of people right beside me that care for me but I don't want them to care, they're not the right ones. They don't know me like you did and it feels so wrong when they tell me "Your Mom would want you to do it"!!!! They don't know what you really wanted me to be, but neither do I!
There are so many things I remember about my childhood with you but the things that are close, the last month with you seem so far away!
I have my friend, my wonderful boyfriend and sometimes it's so cool to be me, but when I'm home, alone in 'your' flat, where everything is just so you, where even the bedroom still smells like you, I miss you the most. I don't cry anymore, i try to forget the painful last hours with you where I could have saved you if I had just known what had gotten you. Why didn't you listen to me when your leg was hurting??? I was right mommy, even though you laughed and told me I had watched to much ER!!! Why did I believe you? Why didn't I drag you to see the doctor?? You could be alive, mommy, I could have saved you!!!!! The doctor could have saved you but he didn't!!!!!!! Why am I feeling so guilty but don't blame HIM??? He was with you, he should have seen it!
And then I sometimes wonder how it was to die....Have you been afraid?? Has Daddy hold your hand? They send me away, I'm sorry I wasn't there to kiss you goodbye! I'M sorry mommy! I couldn't stand to see you die!!!!!!!! I couldn't....I wonder if you heard me begging to you in the hospital to not leave, if you heard me crying to you like a little child. I saw the doctors, they were so kind, one woman even cried when I was begging because they knew it was worthless. I just didn't want to believe it.I couldn't believe it util I stood at your grave and saw the name on the stone, threw my favourite necklace in the whole. How can you just be a name on a tombstone? You have been so much more to me.
Now I stop this because it's leading nowhere! I love you, you know it and no matter what happens in my life, I try to be what you wanted me to be...that's all i can do.
Meine liebste Meimi, bitte komm wieder zu mir in den Träumen, das ist alles was ich habe....