Mutant squirrels terrorize UNCG
By Luke McIntyre
The squirrels of UNCG have always been a cute menace, much like the terrorist puppies of Iran. However, when a group of squirrels got into some bad Caf food, their days of being cute were over. It is believed that spices from the vegetarian counter and grease from the hamburger grill mixed into a mutating sludge, which was then served as refried beans. When no students ate the mixture, it was thrown into a dumpster, where squirrels ate it thinking it was food.
Bad Caf food, being the redundancy that it is, is responsible for several of the darker chapters in UNCG history. The Caf is blamed for the rickets epidemic of 1914, the Corn Fest incident of 1973, and for ruining lunch every day for every student for 114 years in a row.
Mutated squirrels are noticeably different from normal squirrels. A normal squirrel is about five inches in length and weighs one to two pounds, whereas mutant squirrels eat people.
The first mutant squirrel incident occurred when the UNCG marching band began its normal Wednesday night practice routine. The band's two hour practice is comprised, from what most students can tell, entirely of walking around residence halls after eleven o'clock at night banging drums. During a song called "Wake them up" the band was attacked.
After the demise of UNCG's marching band, school officials called upon a higher authority for help from above. Unfortunately Superman was busy, and Batman was scheduled to do Letterman, having gone too Hollywood to protect the innocent. They were forced to send in the Spartan guy. The Spartan guy, cleverly named "Sparty Spartan", put on his armor and prepared for a battle to the death. Unbeknownst to him, his armor was entirely decorative and he was killed instantly.
Upon hearing of UNCG's dilemma, other North Carolina colleges sent the help of their mascots. NC State's Wolf, UNC's Tarheel, Duke's Blue Devil, and A&T's "whatever an Aggie is" were all sent to Greensboro to fight the squirrels. In order to mutate them as well, the Caf prepared an especially disgusting menu, usually reserved only for weekdays. Once the mascots mutated they suddenly turned on each other. UNC and Duke began fighting out their long rivalry, with State sneaking in hits on UNC because it desperately needs a rival too.
After a hard-fought battle the three finally killed each other off, the A&T Aggie dying soon after that from a paper cut or something. All hope seemed to be lost, until a bus load of anti-war protesters fresh from DC made it back to campus. The group caught sight of the oversized mutant squirrels and, thinking they were people wearing fur, the peace loving tree-huggers descended on them with hand guns and hacky sacks. The squirrels never stood a chance.
It is suspected that some of the mutant squirrels may have gotten away, because that might make for a good sequel column.
The squirrels of UNCG have always been a cute menace, much like the terrorist puppies of Iran. However, when a group of squirrels got into some bad Caf food, their days of being cute were over. It is believed that spices from the vegetarian counter and grease from the hamburger grill mixed into a mutating sludge, which was then served as refried beans. When no students ate the mixture, it was thrown into a dumpster, where squirrels ate it thinking it was food.
Bad Caf food, being the redundancy that it is, is responsible for several of the darker chapters in UNCG history. The Caf is blamed for the rickets epidemic of 1914, the Corn Fest incident of 1973, and for ruining lunch every day for every student for 114 years in a row.
Mutated squirrels are noticeably different from normal squirrels. A normal squirrel is about five inches in length and weighs one to two pounds, whereas mutant squirrels eat people.
The first mutant squirrel incident occurred when the UNCG marching band began its normal Wednesday night practice routine. The band's two hour practice is comprised, from what most students can tell, entirely of walking around residence halls after eleven o'clock at night banging drums. During a song called "Wake them up" the band was attacked.
After the demise of UNCG's marching band, school officials called upon a higher authority for help from above. Unfortunately Superman was busy, and Batman was scheduled to do Letterman, having gone too Hollywood to protect the innocent. They were forced to send in the Spartan guy. The Spartan guy, cleverly named "Sparty Spartan", put on his armor and prepared for a battle to the death. Unbeknownst to him, his armor was entirely decorative and he was killed instantly.
Upon hearing of UNCG's dilemma, other North Carolina colleges sent the help of their mascots. NC State's Wolf, UNC's Tarheel, Duke's Blue Devil, and A&T's "whatever an Aggie is" were all sent to Greensboro to fight the squirrels. In order to mutate them as well, the Caf prepared an especially disgusting menu, usually reserved only for weekdays. Once the mascots mutated they suddenly turned on each other. UNC and Duke began fighting out their long rivalry, with State sneaking in hits on UNC because it desperately needs a rival too.
After a hard-fought battle the three finally killed each other off, the A&T Aggie dying soon after that from a paper cut or something. All hope seemed to be lost, until a bus load of anti-war protesters fresh from DC made it back to campus. The group caught sight of the oversized mutant squirrels and, thinking they were people wearing fur, the peace loving tree-huggers descended on them with hand guns and hacky sacks. The squirrels never stood a chance.
It is suspected that some of the mutant squirrels may have gotten away, because that might make for a good sequel column.