This is why I am not good with other human beings
So, earlier today I was going to move our car (alternate side of the street parking sucks) and as I'm going around the corner, this guy who has his kid up in a tree and seems to be minding his own business says to me, "You going to walk?"
And at first I was all, "Is he talking to me?" and I sort of smiled and nodded.
Then he said, "Hey, you going walking, getting some exercise?" and he sort of mimicked me speedwalking with his arms and smiled at me and I sort of said, "Yeah" and nodded and tried to get to my car very, very fast. Because I didn't know if he was being friendly or mocking me or making fun of me or going to get in my face or say something rude or what.
But that encounter made me so nervous that I walked a whole block out of my way so I could go around and get to my apartment without going by him again. Every person I walked by on my way home? Felt like they were staring at me. I couldn't breathe all the way, I felt so nervous and unsafe and I just wanted to get home.
I literally rushed in through my apartment door and didn't feel okay until I was home and the door was locked behind me. My legs still feel rubbery.
I try to assume that he was being nice and just saying 'hi' to someone he'd seen walking around a lot (I walk/jog most mornings, unless it's raining cats and dogs or the snow is up to my knees or something) and that I'm just Not Good With People, but I dunno. Part of me was like, "Why did you need to say that to me? Yes, I walk around. For exercise. It's what everyone and the news is telling me to do since I have teh_fat and teh_(pre)diabeetus."
I guess it's because I'm already nervous about being seen, about doing my exercise outdoors where OTHER human beings can see my big jiggly rolls.
The UPS man commented once about seeing me around the neighborhood, but he was super nice and we had a conversation and he told me his name so I felt better about it, but it still started making me a bit, I dunno, paranoid.
This sucks, you know, because I know it's going to make me that much more nervous tomorrow when I go to walk. And today I was proud of myself because I totally jogged up this really step rise/hill thing in our neighborhood and then a block after that and really pushed my endurance and was proud of myself because, yay! accomplishment!
Now, I just think about people seeing me and staring and judging me and, ugh, now my skin is crawling.
And at first I was all, "Is he talking to me?" and I sort of smiled and nodded.
Then he said, "Hey, you going walking, getting some exercise?" and he sort of mimicked me speedwalking with his arms and smiled at me and I sort of said, "Yeah" and nodded and tried to get to my car very, very fast. Because I didn't know if he was being friendly or mocking me or making fun of me or going to get in my face or say something rude or what.
But that encounter made me so nervous that I walked a whole block out of my way so I could go around and get to my apartment without going by him again. Every person I walked by on my way home? Felt like they were staring at me. I couldn't breathe all the way, I felt so nervous and unsafe and I just wanted to get home.
I literally rushed in through my apartment door and didn't feel okay until I was home and the door was locked behind me. My legs still feel rubbery.
I try to assume that he was being nice and just saying 'hi' to someone he'd seen walking around a lot (I walk/jog most mornings, unless it's raining cats and dogs or the snow is up to my knees or something) and that I'm just Not Good With People, but I dunno. Part of me was like, "Why did you need to say that to me? Yes, I walk around. For exercise. It's what everyone and the news is telling me to do since I have teh_fat and teh_(pre)diabeetus."
I guess it's because I'm already nervous about being seen, about doing my exercise outdoors where OTHER human beings can see my big jiggly rolls.
The UPS man commented once about seeing me around the neighborhood, but he was super nice and we had a conversation and he told me his name so I felt better about it, but it still started making me a bit, I dunno, paranoid.
This sucks, you know, because I know it's going to make me that much more nervous tomorrow when I go to walk. And today I was proud of myself because I totally jogged up this really step rise/hill thing in our neighborhood and then a block after that and really pushed my endurance and was proud of myself because, yay! accomplishment!
Now, I just think about people seeing me and staring and judging me and, ugh, now my skin is crawling.