Well heres a new thing
This is a new kind of entry. Its actually a REAL entry, with REAL emotions, talking about a REAL issue.
Alot of people often question me as to my uber emo attitude when it comes to finding a girl. I've never really thought about it. Nothing too deep, anyway. I did some psychological observations about myself and my growing up and came to a conclusion that makes quite a bit of sense. (My mother showed me 'conditional love'. ((She didnt, it was just my perception of her love toward me)) From my young eyes it seemed she would be nicer and treat me better when i performed exceptional. Parents and teachers expected ALOT from me when i was younger because of how advanced i was/am. Growing up with that sort of love (and no father to give me any type of support) i eventually began to crave another source of love, an unconditional source. Society, through movies, media, books, etc, has unceasingly demonstrated that love can only come from that "one" special person out there for everyone. There it was. My mind then created an avenue for my love-deprived self to travel.) and thus i began searching. It made sense. But, as goes along with my psychological beliefs, once i understand a problem with unconscious behavior, i should be able to change it. Well, recently i dont think the previous is the problem. It might be a contributing factor, or maybe just a really neat coincidence. Now i am beginning to see the real reason that i crave having a girlfriend. One that i think applies to many more people than just myself.
I'm afraid.
Not of being alone. Not of being single for the rest of my life. Not of being hurt. Not of missing out on that one special person either.
I'm afraid of life.
If you ever just sit back and think about what is going on all around the world, war, disease, massive and unprecented natural disasters, resource shortages, the behavior of people affected my Katrina, politics, dwindling oil supplies, gas prices rising, college costs probably outweighing what i will make in a few years after graduation.... the world is has changed since 2000 and will continue to change dramatically in the next few decades. The world will change more in the next 20 years than it has in the past 100. Its scary. How are we supposed to deal with the changes? How am I supposed to deal with the changes? How will i know what the hell to do? The more I think about what life will be bringing to me, i become more and more worried. Being with friends makes me feel better. It really does. It makes me not think or worry about anything for just a short while. I can focus on the things in my life that matter to me at that moment. My mind travels a mile a minute (if not faster). But even though i have friends to ease my mind, the fears and doubts about my journey still tug at the back of my mind and nag me until its all i can think about. I've been in a good relationship before, and when things are good, my mind is completely at rest. I can get through each minute completely happy and content with the things around me. Finding a someone to be with now will no doubt completely make a better, and happier person out of me.
I wont have to worry about where my life will be in 30 years, i wont have to question whether or not i'll be able to live this way when i grow up, i wont have to worry about whether or not my future will be sucessful.
However
I will be able to sit down and enjoy another Eagles and Flyers victory without feeling I wasted my day in vain.
I will be able to relax after a long night's reading and homework.
And
I will be able to look at that wonderful person in my arms and know that the only thing i need to worry about is the professory caught her and I kissing in the staircase before class.
Alot of people often question me as to my uber emo attitude when it comes to finding a girl. I've never really thought about it. Nothing too deep, anyway. I did some psychological observations about myself and my growing up and came to a conclusion that makes quite a bit of sense. (My mother showed me 'conditional love'. ((She didnt, it was just my perception of her love toward me)) From my young eyes it seemed she would be nicer and treat me better when i performed exceptional. Parents and teachers expected ALOT from me when i was younger because of how advanced i was/am. Growing up with that sort of love (and no father to give me any type of support) i eventually began to crave another source of love, an unconditional source. Society, through movies, media, books, etc, has unceasingly demonstrated that love can only come from that "one" special person out there for everyone. There it was. My mind then created an avenue for my love-deprived self to travel.) and thus i began searching. It made sense. But, as goes along with my psychological beliefs, once i understand a problem with unconscious behavior, i should be able to change it. Well, recently i dont think the previous is the problem. It might be a contributing factor, or maybe just a really neat coincidence. Now i am beginning to see the real reason that i crave having a girlfriend. One that i think applies to many more people than just myself.
I'm afraid.
Not of being alone. Not of being single for the rest of my life. Not of being hurt. Not of missing out on that one special person either.
I'm afraid of life.
If you ever just sit back and think about what is going on all around the world, war, disease, massive and unprecented natural disasters, resource shortages, the behavior of people affected my Katrina, politics, dwindling oil supplies, gas prices rising, college costs probably outweighing what i will make in a few years after graduation.... the world is has changed since 2000 and will continue to change dramatically in the next few decades. The world will change more in the next 20 years than it has in the past 100. Its scary. How are we supposed to deal with the changes? How am I supposed to deal with the changes? How will i know what the hell to do? The more I think about what life will be bringing to me, i become more and more worried. Being with friends makes me feel better. It really does. It makes me not think or worry about anything for just a short while. I can focus on the things in my life that matter to me at that moment. My mind travels a mile a minute (if not faster). But even though i have friends to ease my mind, the fears and doubts about my journey still tug at the back of my mind and nag me until its all i can think about. I've been in a good relationship before, and when things are good, my mind is completely at rest. I can get through each minute completely happy and content with the things around me. Finding a someone to be with now will no doubt completely make a better, and happier person out of me.
I wont have to worry about where my life will be in 30 years, i wont have to question whether or not i'll be able to live this way when i grow up, i wont have to worry about whether or not my future will be sucessful.
However
I will be able to sit down and enjoy another Eagles and Flyers victory without feeling I wasted my day in vain.
I will be able to relax after a long night's reading and homework.
And
I will be able to look at that wonderful person in my arms and know that the only thing i need to worry about is the professory caught her and I kissing in the staircase before class.