(no subject)
All forms of personal writing are quite self-serving, aren't they? Of course, I pose this question to my friends on Live Journal. Er, ex-friends? WELL. I've had quite the life recently. I don't want to describe specific events in any detail because I'm lazy, so let me simply tell you how I'm feeling. Great. I'm feeling great. A bit fat, but great. I've been eating like I constantly have only one hour to live. Gummy bears, chocolate, cheese product, cake, ice cream, cookies...I have no control. I look in the mirror and I see this bulging blob where my regular stomach once was. I've lost my shape. I know how superficial this must sound, but I truly feel less valuable. I never judge people like that - everyone looks great to me - but when it comes to myself... Damned media and societal norms. And thank goodness for clothes that keep everything hidden. I want to exercise, however my back is in pain and my right wrist hurts whenever I put any strain on it. But I'm feeling great. I'm myself practically all the time. I dance through stores when I like the music, and today I paid my bus fare with dimes and nickels. Before, I would have opted to stay at home in order to avoid any possible attention or embarrassment. I won't take Tylenol, but I love my Cipralex! I'm not ashamed to tell people about my medication. I mean, it's saving my life. That's a bit extreme. It's allowing my life to be relatively anxiety-free. It's as if I'm slowly letting out the breath I've been holding for the past 19 years. I'm ready for some fresh air.
Tuesday, I spoke with my grandfather for 5 1/2 hours. We split a beer (and then he had another 4) while he shared his memories, inspirations, and company with me. He said that the 6 years he spent in the war were the best of his life; they were the making of him. It seemed odd to me, but why couldn't he have gotten a lot from the experience? I guess we're used to seeing war as vile and inhumane. He learned to talk to women and to drink. Heh, he also mentioned that the guys he was with were closer than brothers. They shared everything. I wonder, can war ever leave a life unaltered, whether for better or for worse? At that, can any moment leave a life unaltered? If not, do we choose who we will become based on our experiences, or are we shaped? Gah. Sorry. I didn't mean to get into determinism and such.
I'm looking forward to school with much anticip.....pation! I'll be sad to see my summer go, though. It's been fun. Coaching soccer was once again a blessing. I swear, it gets better every year. Those girls...wow. I miss them all terribly. I want a child. Like, right now. "The Maternal Instinct is strong in this one." The idea of having a baby terrifies me and I have not for one second considered bringing a kid into the world before I'm married, settled, and secure, but I want one. Now. Right now. When the time comes, I'm going to be the happiest Jodi you've ever seen. And then the little writhing pink thing will start crying, and I'll change my mind about the whole parenting deal. Is it uncommon to desire a child so much at 19?
This is too long. So I'll leave the rest of my chatter for another day.
Tuesday, I spoke with my grandfather for 5 1/2 hours. We split a beer (and then he had another 4) while he shared his memories, inspirations, and company with me. He said that the 6 years he spent in the war were the best of his life; they were the making of him. It seemed odd to me, but why couldn't he have gotten a lot from the experience? I guess we're used to seeing war as vile and inhumane. He learned to talk to women and to drink. Heh, he also mentioned that the guys he was with were closer than brothers. They shared everything. I wonder, can war ever leave a life unaltered, whether for better or for worse? At that, can any moment leave a life unaltered? If not, do we choose who we will become based on our experiences, or are we shaped? Gah. Sorry. I didn't mean to get into determinism and such.
I'm looking forward to school with much anticip.....pation! I'll be sad to see my summer go, though. It's been fun. Coaching soccer was once again a blessing. I swear, it gets better every year. Those girls...wow. I miss them all terribly. I want a child. Like, right now. "The Maternal Instinct is strong in this one." The idea of having a baby terrifies me and I have not for one second considered bringing a kid into the world before I'm married, settled, and secure, but I want one. Now. Right now. When the time comes, I'm going to be the happiest Jodi you've ever seen. And then the little writhing pink thing will start crying, and I'll change my mind about the whole parenting deal. Is it uncommon to desire a child so much at 19?
This is too long. So I'll leave the rest of my chatter for another day.