Tasty Poison
It's odd; I've essentially been called "smart" by 4 different people in the last week. The praise was more in-depth than that summary, but that is largely not important.
Some people have noticed that I attempt a degree of modesty, rejecting the claim. I think they generally see past that and know that I think I'm smart, too. It is false modesty, true, but I don't think that is a bad thing. Praise, to me at least, is a poison: a delicious poison that I want desperately, but still a poison. It is addictive; give me a little and I'll want a lot; I'll adjust my behavior to get more. I might have mentioned that a lot of my older, now-deleted posts, were the result of that.
So yes, I'm falsely modest, but for a good reason; I try not to let myself taste that poison. Without it, my arguments can be free to follow reason and truth to the best of my ability. But with it?! Ah, down that road lies conforming to social expectations. The very thing I crave will destroy the reason I get it.
Even if I was capable of resisting the temptation to change in order to obtain additional praise, there are other dangers to praise. It is easy to become condescending when one has too high of an opinion of one's self. Every thought I think, everything I do that might be worthy of praise ... anyone can do it. Indeed, that is largely my goal when I argue; not to convince a person to accept what I say, but rather to convince them to think, since if they would but think the right thoughts they'd argue my points for me (or so I like to think, which is rather arrogant of me I suppose). There is also the danger of thinking one is correct when one has made an error and merely haven't seen it yet. The less right I think I am, the easier it is to find those errors, so the more right I actually am.
Yeah, there seems to be a lot of truth in paradoxes.
Anywho. Original statement that it's odd; that is because I'm not really sure what to do. I'd rather not be falsely modest, but I'd also rather not allow myself to be corrupted.
Edit:
You know, writing is addictive too. I used to write all the time (fiction); now most my writing is in the form of forum posts. But this... it's not fiction, but it's nice.
I really should work more on my writing. I'd like to be an author someday; so I have to actually start writing and keep writing for that to happen. Alas, I have so much trouble starting now days. I've gone through probably about 20 (an exageration, I'm sure, but not by much) different variations on my current attempt at writing (which I generally refer to as "Order"). Most recently I've toyed with switching the gender of the main character. Yeah, if I can still do that, I have a LOT of work ahead of me. Hmm... maybe I'll try writing up some character interviews and posting them at some point. Perhaps if I get in their heads better I'll be better able to find the right way to start the story.