i think were alone now...
ok so fuck my life is ridiculous.
got that new job then realized it was too little pay, and too much stress.
so i quit this morning.
pats 21st is today but his bday parties were last night and the night before.
saw josh vaz, everything went amazingly well the first night,
mediocre the next day, and then south as fuck that night.
so i ended up driving back home at 330am.
dont feel like re-living it... but i guess i will. lets just say, for the second time in my life i fuckd everything up with josh and im left with regrets.
and for the ... everytime in my life, i fuckd shit up with every guy i ever liked alot.
i think im damaged goods. as soon as i start to like someone alot and i start to worry about what they think or feel, i turn off. my emotions shut down, i stop talking, laughing, joking, etc. and i just wait for them to make the move because im afraid to. fear of rejection... not even physically, but emotionally. im afraid that even if hes physically showing affection, hes just doing it because he doesnt want to not do it and me get pissed.
last night he stopped showing me affection and i got pissed, then he smoked pot and got even more distant and i got even more pissed, and then girls came over and I got even more pissed, and then when i was about to go to bed after taking a shower, i saw that josh already had gone to bed on the couch. so i got even more pissed. and i asked him if he was mad at me or something, he said no, but i dont believe him. so i got even more pissed. and said ok well im gonna go home now. he said why, pat interrupted, and then he rolled back over, so i got even more pissed and i was like are you gonna say bye? and he rolled back over again and gave me a half hug. not even a kiss, or a call me tomorrow, or anything. so i got even more pissed and grabbed my shit and left.
fuck.
-alii
got that new job then realized it was too little pay, and too much stress.
so i quit this morning.
pats 21st is today but his bday parties were last night and the night before.
saw josh vaz, everything went amazingly well the first night,
mediocre the next day, and then south as fuck that night.
so i ended up driving back home at 330am.
dont feel like re-living it... but i guess i will. lets just say, for the second time in my life i fuckd everything up with josh and im left with regrets.
and for the ... everytime in my life, i fuckd shit up with every guy i ever liked alot.
i think im damaged goods. as soon as i start to like someone alot and i start to worry about what they think or feel, i turn off. my emotions shut down, i stop talking, laughing, joking, etc. and i just wait for them to make the move because im afraid to. fear of rejection... not even physically, but emotionally. im afraid that even if hes physically showing affection, hes just doing it because he doesnt want to not do it and me get pissed.
last night he stopped showing me affection and i got pissed, then he smoked pot and got even more distant and i got even more pissed, and then girls came over and I got even more pissed, and then when i was about to go to bed after taking a shower, i saw that josh already had gone to bed on the couch. so i got even more pissed. and i asked him if he was mad at me or something, he said no, but i dont believe him. so i got even more pissed. and said ok well im gonna go home now. he said why, pat interrupted, and then he rolled back over, so i got even more pissed and i was like are you gonna say bye? and he rolled back over again and gave me a half hug. not even a kiss, or a call me tomorrow, or anything. so i got even more pissed and grabbed my shit and left.
fuck.
-alii