i want to be more than this.
'i want to be more than this.'
- crushcrushcrush by paramore
that song came on when i was at chris' house tonight.
when im with him, I just feel awkward. I hold myself back.
I feel like he doesn't know what to do around me. that he doesnt feel comfortable.
that we both just dont know how to show what we feel, if he feels anything, that is.
its so different from how we were when we first went out...
we never stopped kissing, I trusted him completely, and he was so sweet to me.
all the time. he walked me down to my car every night, not just to the door.
theres just something wrong. something missing and I just dont know what.
he seems detached, and unwilling to give himself to me.
he barely smiles, doesnt seem happy to see me, didnt care to know who my friends
were in the pictures i gave him to look at. I am just tired of giving myself
over and over, coming up to him, telling him i missed him, kissing him, hugging him,
asking him to kiss me, putting my hand on his, laying on him. its all me. and he just lays there. sometimes he will pull me towards him but its rare, and sometimes he will lay next to me, or try to kiss me, but like i said, its rare and it feels forced. im not saying
we dont smile and laugh because we do, but its just not the same.
he promised he would have a balloon for me when i came to see him.
i know it was one of those joking around promises, but he promised nonetheless.
he wouldnt walk down to the car with me to get my dress, because supposedly he took his contacts out and wouldnt be able to see, but when i got in the bathroom to undress he sat there and watched from the bed and said he could see me. then when i was topless he came and kissed me and i just barely kissed him back. because wtf, why. why when im half naked you want to come kiss me. why when i want you to walk with me so i dont have to do it by myself you give some stupid excuse. i hate having to ask him to do the things i want him to do, when he used to do them on his own when i met him. and when i say things about coming to see him, hes like " ya ok thats fine" which makes me think he doesnt care one way or another.
so i say things like, "unless you dont want me to?"
and he says " oh of course i do. are you kidding."
but why do i have to try and get it out of him, why cant he act like he cares in the first damn place.
when i left to go to gypsy all i wanted was for him to ask me to stay, thats all i wanted to hear, that he cared enough to ask me to not go to gypsy and lay in bed with him. but he didnt. he just let me leave.
its stupid, but i hate that when bella runs up to the door and whines and shit while were laying next to eachother and he just jumps up and pushes me off him, like its nothing. then when he gets back on the bed he doesnt pull me next to him or anything. makes me think he didnt want me to be holding him like i was in the first place and hes using his dog as an excuse.
i hate that hes so excited to see his dog and calls it baby every two minutes, but me, he just says "yo" or "hey" and doesnt even look me in the face and smile or anything.
no hug, no kiss, nothing. i mean come on, its a fucking dog.
i hate that he still has tiffany's damn birds in his garage, and school pictures of her up in his living room.
when i called after i left gypsy horse, i just wanted to lay next to him and watch him sleep and he said no, he is just gonna go to bed. that hurt me so bad, because he used to say he wanted me to come and lay with him while he slept, and now he doesnt? why? what happened to him wanting me next to him, just sleeping, or anything at all.
im always the one saying and doing things just to try and get him to do them, like holding his hand, which never lasts long. he usually doesnt really hold back or pulls away after a little while. or ill tell him hes cute, or i love his smile, or his laugh. and he just stays silent. he never tells me anything back, which is all i want.
i just dont know anymore.
i just dont think he really likes me.
i think i like him alot more than he does me.
i think im gonna fall in love with him and he never will.
i think he just wants a girlfriend and isnt particular about who, and im just around.
i thought we had solved all this on the phone a while ago but it is still foggy.
its all a mess. its in shambles and i just cant figure out what to do.
he says were "talking" but what does that mean?
he doesnt call me baby, babe, or anything special like that.
he hasnt put any of the pictures up of us from when i visited on his myspace.
okay so he sees me more than he sees anyone else, but so what?
im the one asking to hang out everyday.
i keep telling him to call my house and he never does.
he never takes pictures of me with my cameras or his phone like he used to.
i said that to him already once and he said he knows and hes sorry and he regrets it.
im so afraid to take any of us together, kissing or anything because im afriad to give them to him and he doesnt want them. or he doesnt put them up, or doesnt want me to put them up.
he just doesnt seem to appreciate me when im around, even though i barely see him.
its like when i want to hang out, he shys away from it. but when i say we might not be able to hes like why? yeah we can.
its back and forth, all the time.
i just dont know. and im tired of thinking about it.
im just tired of crying. and im mad that i broke down and cried in gypsy horse.
-alii
- crushcrushcrush by paramore
that song came on when i was at chris' house tonight.
when im with him, I just feel awkward. I hold myself back.
I feel like he doesn't know what to do around me. that he doesnt feel comfortable.
that we both just dont know how to show what we feel, if he feels anything, that is.
its so different from how we were when we first went out...
we never stopped kissing, I trusted him completely, and he was so sweet to me.
all the time. he walked me down to my car every night, not just to the door.
theres just something wrong. something missing and I just dont know what.
he seems detached, and unwilling to give himself to me.
he barely smiles, doesnt seem happy to see me, didnt care to know who my friends
were in the pictures i gave him to look at. I am just tired of giving myself
over and over, coming up to him, telling him i missed him, kissing him, hugging him,
asking him to kiss me, putting my hand on his, laying on him. its all me. and he just lays there. sometimes he will pull me towards him but its rare, and sometimes he will lay next to me, or try to kiss me, but like i said, its rare and it feels forced. im not saying
we dont smile and laugh because we do, but its just not the same.
he promised he would have a balloon for me when i came to see him.
i know it was one of those joking around promises, but he promised nonetheless.
he wouldnt walk down to the car with me to get my dress, because supposedly he took his contacts out and wouldnt be able to see, but when i got in the bathroom to undress he sat there and watched from the bed and said he could see me. then when i was topless he came and kissed me and i just barely kissed him back. because wtf, why. why when im half naked you want to come kiss me. why when i want you to walk with me so i dont have to do it by myself you give some stupid excuse. i hate having to ask him to do the things i want him to do, when he used to do them on his own when i met him. and when i say things about coming to see him, hes like " ya ok thats fine" which makes me think he doesnt care one way or another.
so i say things like, "unless you dont want me to?"
and he says " oh of course i do. are you kidding."
but why do i have to try and get it out of him, why cant he act like he cares in the first damn place.
when i left to go to gypsy all i wanted was for him to ask me to stay, thats all i wanted to hear, that he cared enough to ask me to not go to gypsy and lay in bed with him. but he didnt. he just let me leave.
its stupid, but i hate that when bella runs up to the door and whines and shit while were laying next to eachother and he just jumps up and pushes me off him, like its nothing. then when he gets back on the bed he doesnt pull me next to him or anything. makes me think he didnt want me to be holding him like i was in the first place and hes using his dog as an excuse.
i hate that hes so excited to see his dog and calls it baby every two minutes, but me, he just says "yo" or "hey" and doesnt even look me in the face and smile or anything.
no hug, no kiss, nothing. i mean come on, its a fucking dog.
i hate that he still has tiffany's damn birds in his garage, and school pictures of her up in his living room.
when i called after i left gypsy horse, i just wanted to lay next to him and watch him sleep and he said no, he is just gonna go to bed. that hurt me so bad, because he used to say he wanted me to come and lay with him while he slept, and now he doesnt? why? what happened to him wanting me next to him, just sleeping, or anything at all.
im always the one saying and doing things just to try and get him to do them, like holding his hand, which never lasts long. he usually doesnt really hold back or pulls away after a little while. or ill tell him hes cute, or i love his smile, or his laugh. and he just stays silent. he never tells me anything back, which is all i want.
i just dont know anymore.
i just dont think he really likes me.
i think i like him alot more than he does me.
i think im gonna fall in love with him and he never will.
i think he just wants a girlfriend and isnt particular about who, and im just around.
i thought we had solved all this on the phone a while ago but it is still foggy.
its all a mess. its in shambles and i just cant figure out what to do.
he says were "talking" but what does that mean?
he doesnt call me baby, babe, or anything special like that.
he hasnt put any of the pictures up of us from when i visited on his myspace.
okay so he sees me more than he sees anyone else, but so what?
im the one asking to hang out everyday.
i keep telling him to call my house and he never does.
he never takes pictures of me with my cameras or his phone like he used to.
i said that to him already once and he said he knows and hes sorry and he regrets it.
im so afraid to take any of us together, kissing or anything because im afriad to give them to him and he doesnt want them. or he doesnt put them up, or doesnt want me to put them up.
he just doesnt seem to appreciate me when im around, even though i barely see him.
its like when i want to hang out, he shys away from it. but when i say we might not be able to hes like why? yeah we can.
its back and forth, all the time.
i just dont know. and im tired of thinking about it.
im just tired of crying. and im mad that i broke down and cried in gypsy horse.
-alii