hide and seek. you wont catch me around here <3
he sang while i was on the phone with him last night,
"god blessed the broken road"-rascal flatts
yeah. he wasnt that good. off key too. he says its because he was trying to sing
low so i couldnt hear him, didnt realize i could hear him .loud and clear.
then he started talking about having my kid. and how it would be cute, and a pimp.
oh boy.
he was sitting in his car, letting his phone charge so he could keep talking to me because he said it was going to die.[ i just realized, i was doing the same thingat the time, but i wouldnt have told him that... because he can do those things for me, but he would freak out if i did that for him] he had driven to johns and sat outside for a good 45 min and talked to me. john even came in the car. then he called me back again 45 min later, in his car, again. letting it charge.
isnt this what i wanted?
im becoming really freaked out by the whole thing. i havent been prioritized by beau in so long it makes me really uncomfortable. probably because he has broken my heart so many times that whenever he gets like this- i immediately turn into denial mode, in defense so that i dont get attached to his affection, and get hurt when it goes away. its only when i want it does he stop, its only when i get used to it, does it hurt when it goes away. its only when he gets sweet, i get nervous. and im thinking thats exactly what he must go through when im sweet. like he said he thinks its fake when people are too sweet to him. and now i know exactly what he means, now that i have been hurt so badly by him, i am completely incompetent when it comes to him being... nice to me.
he is going to be here in 2 weeks.
its surreal... and i still dont really believe hes coming.
because as soon as i do, is when it all comes tumbling down.
he tells me to call him.
i never do, because even though he says he wants me too, i know him better.
and he likes to always be the one going after the other.
and frankly i like to be ran after as well. so this game should work out just fine.
i just need to keep doing what i know works, and not what he tells me he wants.
i might be in a tight money situation when he comes. final six is still coming up...
i dont know what kind of money i will have... but i have my savings so i guess i will tap into that if i need to.
snippet of our last conversation-
'you never, ever, well... rarely wore make-up, and thats what i liked about you. you were comfortable with yourself just how you are'
'i love our relationship, i do, i love it. i dont have it with anyone else, we are just so comfortable around eachother'
'i loved you for you, not for what you dressed like'
"i have my period. which is good news for you because that means i wont have it when you come here..."-
' i was just gonna say, good cause you wont when im there.'-
" yeah but then you miss the swollen boobs."-
' damnit... well whatever your boobs are nice anyway, i shouldnt have said that cause that means its gonna go straight to your head. your boobs suck... so thats why you should let me play with them.'
"we've never been nervous and awkward around eachother have we?"
'yes, twice.'
"when?"
' once at my gpts house when i tried to kiss you, and the parking lot at fridays when we did kiss.'
"oh well thats because we had never kissed before"
'this time if you dont kiss me, and turn your head im gonna grab you push you up against a wall and make you kiss me'
"oh god, see. thats the problem you dont know this- but i like that."
whatd you say? oh, that you only meant well?
well of course you did
oh, whatd you say? mm, thats its all for the best?
of course it is.
whatd you say? thats its just what we need?
well you decided this.
whatd you say? what did you say?
-alii
"god blessed the broken road"-rascal flatts
yeah. he wasnt that good. off key too. he says its because he was trying to sing
low so i couldnt hear him, didnt realize i could hear him .loud and clear.
then he started talking about having my kid. and how it would be cute, and a pimp.
oh boy.
he was sitting in his car, letting his phone charge so he could keep talking to me because he said it was going to die.[ i just realized, i was doing the same thingat the time, but i wouldnt have told him that... because he can do those things for me, but he would freak out if i did that for him] he had driven to johns and sat outside for a good 45 min and talked to me. john even came in the car. then he called me back again 45 min later, in his car, again. letting it charge.
isnt this what i wanted?
im becoming really freaked out by the whole thing. i havent been prioritized by beau in so long it makes me really uncomfortable. probably because he has broken my heart so many times that whenever he gets like this- i immediately turn into denial mode, in defense so that i dont get attached to his affection, and get hurt when it goes away. its only when i want it does he stop, its only when i get used to it, does it hurt when it goes away. its only when he gets sweet, i get nervous. and im thinking thats exactly what he must go through when im sweet. like he said he thinks its fake when people are too sweet to him. and now i know exactly what he means, now that i have been hurt so badly by him, i am completely incompetent when it comes to him being... nice to me.
he is going to be here in 2 weeks.
its surreal... and i still dont really believe hes coming.
because as soon as i do, is when it all comes tumbling down.
he tells me to call him.
i never do, because even though he says he wants me too, i know him better.
and he likes to always be the one going after the other.
and frankly i like to be ran after as well. so this game should work out just fine.
i just need to keep doing what i know works, and not what he tells me he wants.
i might be in a tight money situation when he comes. final six is still coming up...
i dont know what kind of money i will have... but i have my savings so i guess i will tap into that if i need to.
snippet of our last conversation-
'you never, ever, well... rarely wore make-up, and thats what i liked about you. you were comfortable with yourself just how you are'
'i love our relationship, i do, i love it. i dont have it with anyone else, we are just so comfortable around eachother'
'i loved you for you, not for what you dressed like'
"i have my period. which is good news for you because that means i wont have it when you come here..."-
' i was just gonna say, good cause you wont when im there.'-
" yeah but then you miss the swollen boobs."-
' damnit... well whatever your boobs are nice anyway, i shouldnt have said that cause that means its gonna go straight to your head. your boobs suck... so thats why you should let me play with them.'
"we've never been nervous and awkward around eachother have we?"
'yes, twice.'
"when?"
' once at my gpts house when i tried to kiss you, and the parking lot at fridays when we did kiss.'
"oh well thats because we had never kissed before"
'this time if you dont kiss me, and turn your head im gonna grab you push you up against a wall and make you kiss me'
"oh god, see. thats the problem you dont know this- but i like that."
whatd you say? oh, that you only meant well?
well of course you did
oh, whatd you say? mm, thats its all for the best?
of course it is.
whatd you say? thats its just what we need?
well you decided this.
whatd you say? what did you say?
-alii