(no subject)
See me as I am. I am a person with a million facets. In so many ways I can appear to be a good person... no, an amazing person. A person of depth and beauty. Of amazing love and unbelievable understanding. A person who appears to have nothing but great dreams and a great heart. But that is just one face you choose to look at. I have so many more. Open your eyes and look at me and you will see a human with his own demons. I am a trouble person who spends every day of his life fighting with his inner evils. Its a battle I tend to lose, though I would never tell anyone that. But I never lose completely. And I try and spend every day working on my redemption. Redemption for past evils... but mostly for the evils I know I will probably one day do. If there is a hell, I am destined to go there. For one reason or another. No matter how sorry I feel for everything I have done and will do, I am never sorry enough to be forgiven.
For anyone that reads this I would give my life without a seconds hesitation for you. Not only to save your life but to give you a chance at love and happiness for what is the point of life without those things? I would give everything I had to give you those things. But for all that I am willing to sacrifice, it never takes away the anger and the hatred, the arrogance and the apathy. There is a part of me that loves you and wants you to have the world... yes, any of you and all of you, I am not talking about one person but all people. But, you see, there is also a part of me that hates you, that looks at you with anger and disgust and would not care a second if you were suffering. It is the worst of me and it has been there a long long time. It is the part of me that looks at war and thinks "Why are so few people dying when there are so many that should die?" It is the part of me that I don't hate... no matter how much I don't want to be that person, it is still me. It is who I am and it has shaped my life for so long that I am not me without it. Everyday... every single day, I fight to not become only that person. Everyday I look that part of me in the eye and say "You will not consume me today" only to have it look me back and say "Not today but someday". Some of you might be thinking that I haven't given in yet, that I am strong enough to fight it... but you would be wrong. It is not something I want to fight until I die of old age. Everyday I grow more tired of pushing it back. One day I will find the allure of giving in to my hate too great to say no to and I will one day give up my fight.
And the day before that day I will take a gun to my head and stop myself from going over the edge. As that will be the last fight I will give. I don't know when I will reach that point, only that I will. I have found nothing in this world that will stop that day from coming and at this point I could care less to look. I would rather kill myself for the right reasons then lose myself for the wrong ones. I am human. I have such amazing dreams and such beautiful hope and such terrible and ugly nightmares. And I will sacrifice everything for my dreams and my hopes, if for no other reason than to spite my nightmares.
This is me. This is who I am.
For anyone that reads this I would give my life without a seconds hesitation for you. Not only to save your life but to give you a chance at love and happiness for what is the point of life without those things? I would give everything I had to give you those things. But for all that I am willing to sacrifice, it never takes away the anger and the hatred, the arrogance and the apathy. There is a part of me that loves you and wants you to have the world... yes, any of you and all of you, I am not talking about one person but all people. But, you see, there is also a part of me that hates you, that looks at you with anger and disgust and would not care a second if you were suffering. It is the worst of me and it has been there a long long time. It is the part of me that looks at war and thinks "Why are so few people dying when there are so many that should die?" It is the part of me that I don't hate... no matter how much I don't want to be that person, it is still me. It is who I am and it has shaped my life for so long that I am not me without it. Everyday... every single day, I fight to not become only that person. Everyday I look that part of me in the eye and say "You will not consume me today" only to have it look me back and say "Not today but someday". Some of you might be thinking that I haven't given in yet, that I am strong enough to fight it... but you would be wrong. It is not something I want to fight until I die of old age. Everyday I grow more tired of pushing it back. One day I will find the allure of giving in to my hate too great to say no to and I will one day give up my fight.
And the day before that day I will take a gun to my head and stop myself from going over the edge. As that will be the last fight I will give. I don't know when I will reach that point, only that I will. I have found nothing in this world that will stop that day from coming and at this point I could care less to look. I would rather kill myself for the right reasons then lose myself for the wrong ones. I am human. I have such amazing dreams and such beautiful hope and such terrible and ugly nightmares. And I will sacrifice everything for my dreams and my hopes, if for no other reason than to spite my nightmares.
This is me. This is who I am.