(no subject)
Can't hate her. Can't hate her can't hate her can't hate her can't hate her can't hate her.
If I hate her then I cease to love her. If I cease to love her then we lose this game. If we lose this game then she gets taken.
Which I don't want.
Because I don't hate her.
Can't.
Won't let myself.
Not scared for Nick. Can't be. On the one hand... I knew long ago he's living on borrowed time. I also know that although he's a fighter, there's a part of him that's actively seeking his own death, whether he realizes it or not. It hurts to see, but I know it's true. I knew it before I realized how I felt about him. I resolved long ago that when he finds it... it'll hurt, but it won't kill me.
But that's not why.
I don't know what he's doing. Don't know what he's up to. But I know him, and I know he's still got things to do. Still got cards to play. Which means he doesn't have time to deal with death sentences and other nonsense like that. He's too smart and he's been playing too subtle a game for too long to let it be interrupted by this edict - this stupid, short-sighted, blindly foolish edict, god, what the hell was she thinking??!? I always thought she was smarter than this!
I find myself irrationally angry with Mercutio, and I know it's not his fault. But I hate that everyone sees him as the exception to every rule. I hate that people invoke his name like other people quote the Bible. I hate this image that's forming, of all the rest of us as bumbling idiots while he's the shining knight in the spotlight, come to save us from our own mortal limitations.
I know he's never tried to push that image. He's doing a hard and dangerous job as best he can. I know that; I respect it and admire it. I know he doesn't try to be seen in that light. But it happens regardless, and he doesn't do anything to dissuade it. I can't help feeling like... if they had thought, really believed, that they could talk to him and be listened to, that if they'd worked together on their schemes instead of at cross-purposes, maybe...
Not fair, Holly, and you know it. Their perception of him is not his fault.
But if...
No.
I look at Kei, and it's hard to control the panic. This man I'm only beginning to know; those moments of surprising sweetness, intense in their rarity... the pure heart trying, fumbling its way towards goodness... it doesn't erase anything, doesn't make his actions any less stupid or his interactions with people any less irritating, doesn't make his weird mood swings one bit less inscrutable... but it kills me to think he could be gone before he has a chance to grow into the light that's inside him.
George - George is an idiot who sees what he wants to see. And what he wants to see is a deserving victim. I know his mind isn't simple, but he seems to crave a simple world - and in a simple world, Kei is guilty as sin.
But our world is anything but simple. And this so-called "loyalist" is rejecting our offers of safety - because they're out there; he knows we can keep him safe if we have to, for as long as we need to - and presenting himself to the Queen's justice in the hope - the trust - that she can understand that. God, can't they take a moment and just let that fact alone sink in?
Toi is smarter than George. Toi is better than George. She has to be.
Please, let her be. For her sake. I don't want to be proven wrong about her.
If I hate her then I cease to love her. If I cease to love her then we lose this game. If we lose this game then she gets taken.
Which I don't want.
Because I don't hate her.
Can't.
Won't let myself.
Not scared for Nick. Can't be. On the one hand... I knew long ago he's living on borrowed time. I also know that although he's a fighter, there's a part of him that's actively seeking his own death, whether he realizes it or not. It hurts to see, but I know it's true. I knew it before I realized how I felt about him. I resolved long ago that when he finds it... it'll hurt, but it won't kill me.
But that's not why.
I don't know what he's doing. Don't know what he's up to. But I know him, and I know he's still got things to do. Still got cards to play. Which means he doesn't have time to deal with death sentences and other nonsense like that. He's too smart and he's been playing too subtle a game for too long to let it be interrupted by this edict - this stupid, short-sighted, blindly foolish edict, god, what the hell was she thinking??!? I always thought she was smarter than this!
I find myself irrationally angry with Mercutio, and I know it's not his fault. But I hate that everyone sees him as the exception to every rule. I hate that people invoke his name like other people quote the Bible. I hate this image that's forming, of all the rest of us as bumbling idiots while he's the shining knight in the spotlight, come to save us from our own mortal limitations.
I know he's never tried to push that image. He's doing a hard and dangerous job as best he can. I know that; I respect it and admire it. I know he doesn't try to be seen in that light. But it happens regardless, and he doesn't do anything to dissuade it. I can't help feeling like... if they had thought, really believed, that they could talk to him and be listened to, that if they'd worked together on their schemes instead of at cross-purposes, maybe...
Not fair, Holly, and you know it. Their perception of him is not his fault.
But if...
No.
I look at Kei, and it's hard to control the panic. This man I'm only beginning to know; those moments of surprising sweetness, intense in their rarity... the pure heart trying, fumbling its way towards goodness... it doesn't erase anything, doesn't make his actions any less stupid or his interactions with people any less irritating, doesn't make his weird mood swings one bit less inscrutable... but it kills me to think he could be gone before he has a chance to grow into the light that's inside him.
George - George is an idiot who sees what he wants to see. And what he wants to see is a deserving victim. I know his mind isn't simple, but he seems to crave a simple world - and in a simple world, Kei is guilty as sin.
But our world is anything but simple. And this so-called "loyalist" is rejecting our offers of safety - because they're out there; he knows we can keep him safe if we have to, for as long as we need to - and presenting himself to the Queen's justice in the hope - the trust - that she can understand that. God, can't they take a moment and just let that fact alone sink in?
Toi is smarter than George. Toi is better than George. She has to be.
Please, let her be. For her sake. I don't want to be proven wrong about her.