Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!
I suspect I might not be able to post an entry tomorrow because I'll be driving around somewhere in assfuck nowhere Virginia, doing a picturesque holiday activity I don't actually remember agreeing to do, but we can only wait. In the mean time, here is one of those pseudo-fics you end up half-outlining and half-writing in gmail chats with a lot of emoticons sprinkled in-- I have so many of these fuckers buried in my archived conversations.
Normally I clean gmail conversations up so that they're real sentences, and I add capitalization and commas and such, but this reads much better as it actually happened in real time. Also, I'm lazy. So! My first and probably only Ovechkin/Kessel fic idea thingy.
***
glendaglamazon:
I feel like there's gotta be unknown depths to Kessel
I don't understand how someone who looks like he does is so damn good at hockey
or is related to Amanda Kessel
and he's such the butt of everyone's jokes, that I'm glad he's so awesome
ThorneScratch:
Yeah
I like him
Well, right now anyway
Once he's a Leaf again, it's open fire
glendaglamazon:
I also don't recall him ever doing much of note against the Caps as a Leaf
but I could be blocking something out
JVR always seems to score on us
ThorneScratch:
Hmm
So Alex feels bad for embarrassing Phil at All Stars
He TOTALLY didn't mean to
So Alex wants to make it up to him, and in Alex's mind, that means, as it always does, blowjobs
glendaglamazon:
Heh
ThorneScratch:
But Phil is TERRIFIED by why Alex Ovechkin is now constantly stalking him
And jumping out from behind corners
glendaglamazon:
LOL!!!
ThorneScratch:
And trying to, like, TOUCH him. ALL THE TIME.
glendaglamazon:
I could so easily see that
ThorneScratch:
And he tells Leo Komarov this
And Leo knows exactly why, but he thinks it's funny
And eventually, Ovi manages to trap him in a hallway and offer to go down on him in apology
But Phil sputters a lot and eventually explains he really doesn't have to, it's really okay
So Ovi is just, okay, well, then we can cuddle anyway
(Because Kessel looks like a cuddler)
glendaglamazon:
Heh, that he does
ThorneScratch:
And Phil's all, well... um, okay?
And in the morning, Ovi is wound around him like an octopus, and Phil is a little weirded out, but they had a very nice night watching Russian tv with Ovi translating, and then they went to sleep
And they part as unlikely friends
And every couple weeks, Ovi sends him texts with lots of )))))) whenever the media is being particularly dickish to him
glendaglamazon:
LOL
but that still leaves me thirsting for the Unknown Phil
ThorneScratch:
WELL
So, hmm
After a season or so of this
Phil decides he DOES want to bang
But he's afraid he missed his sex window
glendaglamazon:
Heh
ThorneScratch:
And he's now friend-zoned
So, he calls Leo on some pretext
And Leo laughs himself sick
And sees right through him
"YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH SASHA AHAHAAHAHA."
glendaglamazon:
Ha!
ThorneScratch:
And Phil is all D: D: D:
And Leo is all, "Moron, the sex window is NEVER closed with Sasha. Just grab his crotch, he'll get the idea."
And Phil is somewhat aghast
He can't do that!!!
...or CAN he
glendaglamazon:
Hahahaha
ThorneScratch:
So, there's a game coming up soon
He finally gets up his courage and texts Ovi
An agonizingly worded text to seem casual
"We should hang out after the game."
glendaglamazon:
I imagine most of Phil's words are agonizing ;)
ThorneScratch:
And Ovi texts back all, "LOL Ok! We go out to dinner, gr8 Russian place ))))))"
And Phil is half terrified and half elated. HE MADE A DATE. HE THINKS.
...OH GOD, HE MADE A DATE. WITH ALEX OVECHKIN. WHAT IS HE THINKING.
glendaglamazon:
this is amazing
ThorneScratch:
Cue pages and pages of Phil worrying about his clothes
and finding a nice Russian restaurant in Toronto
glendaglamazon:
and then wearing the same jeans, t & open button down he always does! LOL
ThorneScratch:
YES. EXACTLY
He finds, like ALL the Russian restaurants
And makes reservations at nine of them, just so he has backup options
glendaglamazon:
Hahahahaha
ThorneScratch:
And then he kinda worries about what will happen when which of their teams wins
But, he decides not to worry, and instead just goes out and plays
glendaglamazon:
Wow. There are, like, 8 Russian restaurants in Toronto. Who knew?
ThorneScratch:
And... let's be nice to Phil. We'll let Toronto win this one.
So, he's actually riding kinda high on victory
glendaglamazon:
You're so generous ;)
ThorneScratch:
(In my head it is a shootout win, they both get a point.)
And Phil drinks an entire bottle of wine at dinner trying to be smooth
And the combined booze and victory make him decide he's gonna GO FOR IT
glendaglamazon:
Go Phil Go!
ThorneScratch:
...and then Ovi is all, shit, I gotta be back at the hotel soon
And Phil is inwardly NOOOOOOO
And he deflates.
So he says, Okay, I'll drive you back
glendaglamazon:
Heh, so smooth, that Phil
ThorneScratch:
And it's all very nice, even if Phil is depressed at his failure
He drank all that wine
And he wore his nicest button down that Amanda says brings out his eyes
And Ovi probably didn't even know they were on a date
Which just makes Phil feel worse
ThorneScratch:
But Phil even walks him into the lobby
Because he's a gentleman
glendaglamazon:
heh
ThorneScratch:
BUT
Ovi says hey, come up, I'll show you my room
And Phil is suddenly hopeful again
ThorneScratch:
He's just screwed his courage up
HE'S GONNA TRY
He does THE LEAN IN
And he's about to ask for a goodnight kiss
When Ovi just kinda leans back and looks at him and frowns
And Phil IMMEDIATELY inwardly implodes
"I READ EVERYTHIING WRONG I RUINED IT AUGH OH NOES."
glendaglamazon:
I can't believe you have me so anxiously hanging on every next line of an Ovi/Kessel story! ;)
ThorneScratch:
I can't believe I'm coming up with this
And Ovi says, "Oh."
And before Phil can freak out too much about that
Ovi says "You should have said! We could have skipped dinner."
And yanks him through the doorway
glendaglamazon:
Hahahahaha!
BOOM!
ThorneScratch:
Boom indeed
glendaglamazon:
FreeLove Ovi lives!
ThorneScratch:
...And then, I suppose the Inner Kessel Sex God appears.
ThorneScratch:
And next morning, someone... uh, Joel Ward or whoever catches him doing the walk of shame out of Ovi's room
And is all "WTF!!!" REALLY LOUD
glendaglamazon:
Totally Wardo :D
Or Chimmer
ThorneScratch:
And, ten seconds later, Caps heads poke out from doors all down the hallway
Like gopher heads popping up from the ground
All looking at him
glendaglamazon:
"TMZ! TMZ!" ;)
ThorneScratch:
ROFL
And Old!Phil would have sunk through the floor in embarrassment
glendaglamazon:
But Ovi's Magic Cock has made him own his SuperSexGod status! :D
ThorneScratch:
IGotLaid!Phil just sort of squares his shoulders and is all, "Yeah? So?"
glendaglamazon:
hahaha
ThorneScratch:
And Ovi pokes his head out the door too and says "Phillllll you forget gloves!"
glendaglamazon:
OMGLOLOLOL
ThorneScratch:
And Ovi comes out half naked and tucks them into Phil's jacket pockets
And it's all an excuse to be very handsy
And all the Caps's mouths are just hanging open
Possibly, Ovi slaps his ass
glendaglamazon:
This is the best thing ever
ThorneScratch:
And Ovi is all, "You call me, okay?" <3 <3
And Phil Kessel goes and gets his car out of the hotel parking lot
...which he now must pay an exorbitantly expensive parking total on, goddammit
glendaglamazon:
<3 Ovi <3
ThorneScratch:
And drives home, smiling
glendaglamazon:
BRAVA! BRAVA!
ThorneScratch:
Snerk. There we go.
Epic love.
***
Unrelated to fic, watching Ovechkin do all the charity work he does with kids is a real joy. This season alone has had some great accounts and stories, and it's frankly really impressive that this is just the publicized stuff, and there's more than we don't hear about.
I think I am officially at the time of month where I desperately want to watch all the Muppet Christmas specials, from the Muppet Christmas Carol to the one where they go to Fozzie's mom's house, meet the Fraggles, and the Swedish Chef tries to cook Big Bird. And then follow it up with A Nightmare Before Christmas. 'Tis the season, and all that. Too bad all my damn DVDs are still packed away down in the basement.
Normally I clean gmail conversations up so that they're real sentences, and I add capitalization and commas and such, but this reads much better as it actually happened in real time. Also, I'm lazy. So! My first and probably only Ovechkin/Kessel fic idea thingy.
***
glendaglamazon:
I feel like there's gotta be unknown depths to Kessel
I don't understand how someone who looks like he does is so damn good at hockey
or is related to Amanda Kessel
and he's such the butt of everyone's jokes, that I'm glad he's so awesome
ThorneScratch:
Yeah
I like him
Well, right now anyway
Once he's a Leaf again, it's open fire
glendaglamazon:
I also don't recall him ever doing much of note against the Caps as a Leaf
but I could be blocking something out
JVR always seems to score on us
ThorneScratch:
Hmm
So Alex feels bad for embarrassing Phil at All Stars
He TOTALLY didn't mean to
So Alex wants to make it up to him, and in Alex's mind, that means, as it always does, blowjobs
glendaglamazon:
Heh
ThorneScratch:
But Phil is TERRIFIED by why Alex Ovechkin is now constantly stalking him
And jumping out from behind corners
glendaglamazon:
LOL!!!
ThorneScratch:
And trying to, like, TOUCH him. ALL THE TIME.
glendaglamazon:
I could so easily see that
ThorneScratch:
And he tells Leo Komarov this
And Leo knows exactly why, but he thinks it's funny
And eventually, Ovi manages to trap him in a hallway and offer to go down on him in apology
But Phil sputters a lot and eventually explains he really doesn't have to, it's really okay
So Ovi is just, okay, well, then we can cuddle anyway
(Because Kessel looks like a cuddler)
glendaglamazon:
Heh, that he does
ThorneScratch:
And Phil's all, well... um, okay?
And in the morning, Ovi is wound around him like an octopus, and Phil is a little weirded out, but they had a very nice night watching Russian tv with Ovi translating, and then they went to sleep
And they part as unlikely friends
And every couple weeks, Ovi sends him texts with lots of )))))) whenever the media is being particularly dickish to him
glendaglamazon:
LOL
but that still leaves me thirsting for the Unknown Phil
ThorneScratch:
WELL
So, hmm
After a season or so of this
Phil decides he DOES want to bang
But he's afraid he missed his sex window
glendaglamazon:
Heh
ThorneScratch:
And he's now friend-zoned
So, he calls Leo on some pretext
And Leo laughs himself sick
And sees right through him
"YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH SASHA AHAHAAHAHA."
glendaglamazon:
Ha!
ThorneScratch:
And Phil is all D: D: D:
And Leo is all, "Moron, the sex window is NEVER closed with Sasha. Just grab his crotch, he'll get the idea."
And Phil is somewhat aghast
He can't do that!!!
...or CAN he
glendaglamazon:
Hahahaha
ThorneScratch:
So, there's a game coming up soon
He finally gets up his courage and texts Ovi
An agonizingly worded text to seem casual
"We should hang out after the game."
glendaglamazon:
I imagine most of Phil's words are agonizing ;)
ThorneScratch:
And Ovi texts back all, "LOL Ok! We go out to dinner, gr8 Russian place ))))))"
And Phil is half terrified and half elated. HE MADE A DATE. HE THINKS.
...OH GOD, HE MADE A DATE. WITH ALEX OVECHKIN. WHAT IS HE THINKING.
glendaglamazon:
this is amazing
ThorneScratch:
Cue pages and pages of Phil worrying about his clothes
and finding a nice Russian restaurant in Toronto
glendaglamazon:
and then wearing the same jeans, t & open button down he always does! LOL
ThorneScratch:
YES. EXACTLY
He finds, like ALL the Russian restaurants
And makes reservations at nine of them, just so he has backup options
glendaglamazon:
Hahahahaha
ThorneScratch:
And then he kinda worries about what will happen when which of their teams wins
But, he decides not to worry, and instead just goes out and plays
glendaglamazon:
Wow. There are, like, 8 Russian restaurants in Toronto. Who knew?
ThorneScratch:
And... let's be nice to Phil. We'll let Toronto win this one.
So, he's actually riding kinda high on victory
glendaglamazon:
You're so generous ;)
ThorneScratch:
(In my head it is a shootout win, they both get a point.)
And Phil drinks an entire bottle of wine at dinner trying to be smooth
And the combined booze and victory make him decide he's gonna GO FOR IT
glendaglamazon:
Go Phil Go!
ThorneScratch:
...and then Ovi is all, shit, I gotta be back at the hotel soon
And Phil is inwardly NOOOOOOO
And he deflates.
So he says, Okay, I'll drive you back
glendaglamazon:
Heh, so smooth, that Phil
ThorneScratch:
And it's all very nice, even if Phil is depressed at his failure
He drank all that wine
And he wore his nicest button down that Amanda says brings out his eyes
And Ovi probably didn't even know they were on a date
Which just makes Phil feel worse
ThorneScratch:
But Phil even walks him into the lobby
Because he's a gentleman
glendaglamazon:
heh
ThorneScratch:
BUT
Ovi says hey, come up, I'll show you my room
And Phil is suddenly hopeful again
ThorneScratch:
He's just screwed his courage up
HE'S GONNA TRY
He does THE LEAN IN
And he's about to ask for a goodnight kiss
When Ovi just kinda leans back and looks at him and frowns
And Phil IMMEDIATELY inwardly implodes
"I READ EVERYTHIING WRONG I RUINED IT AUGH OH NOES."
glendaglamazon:
I can't believe you have me so anxiously hanging on every next line of an Ovi/Kessel story! ;)
ThorneScratch:
I can't believe I'm coming up with this
And Ovi says, "Oh."
And before Phil can freak out too much about that
Ovi says "You should have said! We could have skipped dinner."
And yanks him through the doorway
glendaglamazon:
Hahahahaha!
BOOM!
ThorneScratch:
Boom indeed
glendaglamazon:
FreeLove Ovi lives!
ThorneScratch:
...And then, I suppose the Inner Kessel Sex God appears.
ThorneScratch:
And next morning, someone... uh, Joel Ward or whoever catches him doing the walk of shame out of Ovi's room
And is all "WTF!!!" REALLY LOUD
glendaglamazon:
Totally Wardo :D
Or Chimmer
ThorneScratch:
And, ten seconds later, Caps heads poke out from doors all down the hallway
Like gopher heads popping up from the ground
All looking at him
glendaglamazon:
"TMZ! TMZ!" ;)
ThorneScratch:
ROFL
And Old!Phil would have sunk through the floor in embarrassment
glendaglamazon:
But Ovi's Magic Cock has made him own his SuperSexGod status! :D
ThorneScratch:
IGotLaid!Phil just sort of squares his shoulders and is all, "Yeah? So?"
glendaglamazon:
hahaha
ThorneScratch:
And Ovi pokes his head out the door too and says "Phillllll you forget gloves!"
glendaglamazon:
OMGLOLOLOL
ThorneScratch:
And Ovi comes out half naked and tucks them into Phil's jacket pockets
And it's all an excuse to be very handsy
And all the Caps's mouths are just hanging open
Possibly, Ovi slaps his ass
glendaglamazon:
This is the best thing ever
ThorneScratch:
And Ovi is all, "You call me, okay?" <3 <3
And Phil Kessel goes and gets his car out of the hotel parking lot
...which he now must pay an exorbitantly expensive parking total on, goddammit
glendaglamazon:
<3 Ovi <3
ThorneScratch:
And drives home, smiling
glendaglamazon:
BRAVA! BRAVA!
ThorneScratch:
Snerk. There we go.
Epic love.
***
Unrelated to fic, watching Ovechkin do all the charity work he does with kids is a real joy. This season alone has had some great accounts and stories, and it's frankly really impressive that this is just the publicized stuff, and there's more than we don't hear about.
I think I am officially at the time of month where I desperately want to watch all the Muppet Christmas specials, from the Muppet Christmas Carol to the one where they go to Fozzie's mom's house, meet the Fraggles, and the Swedish Chef tries to cook Big Bird. And then follow it up with A Nightmare Before Christmas. 'Tis the season, and all that. Too bad all my damn DVDs are still packed away down in the basement.