If I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance
I have written and rewritten these first couple sentences quite a lot, but they all basically boil down to the fact I am sad, and in an effort not to be as sad, I am re-posting some conversations I've had with other people that made me laugh, and actually still do. I mean, ideally they also make other people laugh, but honestly, these are mostly just for me.
ThorneScratch: Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" is really kind of a perfect song. I've had it on repeat for the past couple days.
twigcollins: Ooooh, I'm going to queue it up right now. It is pretty great.
ThorneScratch: Plus, the music video always reminds me of Labyrinth. And Billy Idol is like Jareth's younger, slightly less weird brother who decided to try and make it in the human world.
twigcollins: They… don't talk.
ThorneScratch: Yes. Holiday dinners are very tense.
twigcollins: God, all the goblins doing table service while Billy and Jareth pointedly don't look at each other.
ThorneScratch: Oh God yes.
twigcollins: "So... things are well."
"I have a new single."
"Oh."
(silence)
"So... threatened any teenage girls lately?"
"DON'T. START."
ThorneScratch: You know what it would be like? It would be like that great fic Patrick wrote where Akio and Ansem have Thanksgiving dinner together, and they're all up in each other's grill, and Anthy and Riku are just rolling their eyes all over the place.
twigcollins: Yes!
ThorneScratch: "Pass the peas."
And every single holiday dinner ends in a sexy dance off between them to settle the fight. Every. Single. One.
"GAME ON."
"OH BRING IT."
***
(But seriously, watch that video. It so is the best. And then watch Jareth and tell me I'm wrong.)
***
horizongreene: oh god, and now with the perineum mentions. how fucking LONG is this twitter fic? i do not understand
ThorneScratch: I call foul. Perineum has too many syllables to be efficient in twitter fic. Better to use taint
horizongreene: asdlkfaslkja
ThorneScratch: You save three characters!
horizongreene: that word. but it's a horrendous word.
ThorneScratch: Look, man, I'm only being efficient. Would gooch work better for you? Also less characters.
horizongreene: wtf
ThorneScratch: You'll never make it in the world of twitter porn if you don't learn to compromise your artistic standards for anatomical terms, dude.
horizongreene: this is true. it's a sacrifice that must be made.
***
ThorneScratch: Every time I check out at CVS, I ask myself, "Is today the day I actually buy Shaun White gum?" ...but it has never been that day yet.
… …He has TWO flavors now. TWO. Jesus.
***
horizongreene: people thinking up stupid things to describe how someone tastes-- just stop. it is not important, unless it's actually relevant to the story.
ThorneScratch: Precisely. Plus, I mean, does one ever really notice how someone tastes unless it's sorta negative? Like, in real life when I make out:
"Oh, coffee."
"Oh, garlic."
"Oh, Shaun White gum."
horizongreene: i guess i NOTICE, but i'm not analyzing.
ThorneScratch: But yeah, that unique taste thing is bullshit. NOTHING IS EVER UNIQUELY THEM.
horizongreene: nope.
ThorneScratch: Unless it's Shaun White chewing Shaun White gum, I guess. That might qualify.
***
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth/Cloud. AU Set in Berlin 1945: Sephiroth is a general and somewhat of a war hero to the nazis(that would be Shin-Ra in this) but retired after his traumatic captivity in Russia and began thinking about the rights and wrongs of their ideology. Cloud is a 15year old member of the HJ that idolizes Sephiroth and does absolutely not question anything about the Third Reich that to him is a chance to become a hero. Both of them live in Berlin while the Russian troops are coming closer each second and Cloud - as many boys in the HJ - is ordered to prevent them from overtaking the city, no matter what. In this situation, he is rescued by Sephiroth and sparks fly fast between them, while at the same time Sephiroth tries to persuade him to give up the fight.
Kinks: uniforms, age-difference, military & a good desperate fuck while the realization that they have lost sinks in
Thanks for reading and plz I can has etc.
…That's not a prompt, dude. That's a mini synopsis. This is all just going to end in suicide. No one wants that.
twigcollins: ROFL LMAO
ThorneScratch: It's just… Godwin's Law, dude. If you bring up Nazis in a kink meme for a fandom where Nazis don't even exist, you have lost AND you deserve to be whacked upside the head.
twigcollins: And my brain did not just go "Wait, who gets to be Anne Frank?" I am going so to hell.
ThorneScratch: Don't say it. Don't do it.
twigcollins: ... Aeris.
ThorneScratch: TWIG. TWIG, STOP. BEFORE IT GOES TOO FAR
twigcollins: This started out TOO FAR. Any time you think "kicky FF7 AU kink", and you go "I know, NAZIS!", you are already packing your bags for TooFarVanyla. TooFaristan. Docking in WTF-erica.
ThorneScratch: With a layover in TooFaranada. Well, you've succeeded, because now all I can think of is The Pianist. Which would have to be Vincent, in that AU crossover.
…"Shinra's List." Fuck fuck fuck. I HATE US.
twigcollins: Dude. What hath we wrought.
ThorneScratch: I know. I should never post this. It must remain a secret. Like the Da Vinci Code.
twigcollins: Where Sephiroth is a crippled, ancient historian bent on exposing the truth and Cloud is an albino servant of Opus Dei and falls to floor, twitching and foaming, and dies. "Remember.... meeeeee."
ThorneScratch: Shit, we're only digging a deeper hole. Never mind, I WILL post this. Hopefully I can blame this all on Flidget.
***
ThorneScratch: I know we were just debating about Nazis and how they don't belong in FF7. BUT. I don't care if it's not strictly accurate; FF7 does have to have a St. Patrick's Day or something comparable, just so Zack can do horrible, horrible things to regret the next day
twigcollins: God, yes. Not that every holiday wouldn't be used as the Excuse To Get Drunk Holiday.
Zack: Hey, they're changing postage rates.
Reno: I'll get the keg!
Cloud: Oh God.
ThorneScratch: Cloud actually has a fake calendar he deploys accordingly, in order to limit this kind of thing.
Zack: What the hell, it's been February for, like, nine months.
Cloud: That's because it's leap year.
Zack: ...oh.
***
ThorneScratch: Oh, so I was talking to Flidget a while ago about how one of the pet peeves I hate in fic is the conception that somehow it's impossible to keep from moaning or groaning or basically making some kind of ecstatic noise while masturbating. Because... really? I mean, I find most people actually keep that shit locked down tight, especially if they grew up with siblings, or roommates, or in the armed forces, or whatever.
And then we started debating about Cloud. And basically, I think we decided Cloud was a quiet jerker, but there are people like Reno and possibly Zack who are deliberately loud, just to fuck with other people. And there are the special cases like Sephiroth who can mentally will themselves to a hands-free orgasm without even changing facial expressions.
Like, maaaaaaybe you'll see one of his eyebrows twitch. Once. Briefly.
twigcollins: Tseng's like that too!
Zack: Boardroom meetings get really weird. I mean really weird.
Yeah, Reno just makes noises like a shifting tectonic plate. There are massive invisible forces at work.
ThorneScratch: Flidget and I agreed that Reno blows a vuvuzela after he finishes. (And then he passes out, triumphant.)
twigcollins: Just in case anyone missed the memo.
ThorneScratch: Now I'm just going through every character I like and deciding what kind of masturbator they are.
***
ThorneScratch: I need help.
twigcollins: ok stop killing those hookers
twigcollins: for one
twigcollins: also, bend at the knees
twigcollins: not at the waist
ThorneScratch: While killing the hookers, or just afterwards when cleaning up the mess?
twigcollins: both. you wouldn't want to suffer a repetitive stress injury
twigcollins: it could take you out of the hooker-killing business for weeks
twigcollins: …whatchoo need help with?
ThorneScratch: …you know, it has slipped my mind.
***
twigcollins: I haven't been talking to anyone or doing anything, and yet somehow I have no time.
ThorneScratch: Dude, you are hiking and walking and writing. These are all good things.
twigcollins: We did do the hiking. Not writing; my writing well is dry. And there is a drunk man at the bottom of it. It is really hard to tell someone you're just coincidentally inside their mailbox.
ThorneScratch: I assume you are also still stalking your usuals, and that can take time. Sending all those mail bombs to Uwe Boll isn't effortless, you know.
twigcollins: He's very nimble for such an old guy.
ThorneScratch: Exactly. In comparison to you, I am a disaster right now.
twigcollins: You're doing really good. You're a homeowner. You're not on heroin. You've killed less than five people.
ThorneScratch: ....that you know of.
twigcollins: You don't LOOK like you're on heroin. That's the important part.
ThorneScratch: That's true. That's very valuable life advice.
***
ThorneScratch: The plants I grow have to be plants that can survive a lot of neglect.
Flidget: Mint is good for that. Which is also why it's a bitch. Sage is actually a new one to me in terms of not knowing its place. I'm by necessity 100% container gardener, so invasiveness and shit overstepping its bounds is usually not my problem. Though this year I'm trying to train up nasturtiums over my balcony railings and that stuff likes to run. So we'll see. My big fear is it'll try to grow into the exhaust vent of the McDonalds next door.
Lavender I love, and that stuff is usually hardy as hell. I used to have windowboxes full of it but I lost it all one year to some incredibly harsh spring winds. Made my flat smell incredible, but kind of annoying to lose all that lavender.
ThorneScratch: Aww. Yeah, with plants, my required ranking is usually something along the lines of:
1. Survives neglect well
2. Tastes good
3. Smells good
4. Can be used in a pinch to poison my enemies
5. Can be used in a pinch to possibly cure a cold
6. Is pretty
(Enemy poisoning outranks healing because I am evil at heart.)
Flidget: Baby, have I got the plant for you! Except I am all about non-invasive species so maybe I don't have the plant for you, but snapdragons! Except they're not native to the west and tend to get invasive due to being hardy as fuck and also ridiculously self-seeding. They are the quivering reality show stars of the plant world.
OH WAIT NEVER MIND. I was under the mistaken impression they're toxic, but they aren't. So they are useless to you. Anyway, I'm thinking of lupines
ThorneScratch: Oooh, nice. See, lilies of the valley also cover at least three of those categories. They're pretty, smell good, and they're poisonous. ALSO they win points by being thematically significant since they are the flower of May, my birth month.
Flidget: Oooh.
ThorneScratch: They can figure into the calling card I leave when I eventually become a super villain. Or a Weiss Kreuz assassin. …Except they do cats. But they're florists.
…God, that show was fucking stupid.
***
twigcollins: I only have two days off after seeing Flidget but sometime late summer, maybe I can come see you for a long weekend? If you have free time, no pressure.
ThorneScratch: You can come any time you like; my door is always open to you. Which is irrelevant anyway, since I know you prefer to hide under the porch. You really shouldn't scare the mailman like that. He has a weak heart.
twigcollins: Because you tasered him. Dude, that's on you.
ThorneScratch: It was only a little tasering. He didn't bring my Amazon package on the day I expected it.
twigcollins: And the squirrels?
ThorneScratch: I was super bored that day.
***
ThorneScratch: Okay, one of our coworkers apparently got a migraine and went down to nap in her car like an hour ago and never came back. Someone sneaked down to check just now. She's clearly asleep, but windows aren't cracked or anything. We're debating over whether or not we should do anything. Like, if we need to knock on the window to check if she's okay, or if one of us should just set our own car alarm off from a distance and see if that works
twigcollins: I'd knock, if you're worried.
ThorneScratch: ...it's not so much we're worried; we're actually more resentful that she's napping and we're not. Because we are all awful people.
***
...Is this year OVER yet? Why is it still happening?
I think next time I will post pictures that make me happy. I was trying to find a good one to conclude on, but I am kind of drawing a blank, so... um... we'll go with this one.
Yep.
ThorneScratch: Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" is really kind of a perfect song. I've had it on repeat for the past couple days.
twigcollins: Ooooh, I'm going to queue it up right now. It is pretty great.
ThorneScratch: Plus, the music video always reminds me of Labyrinth. And Billy Idol is like Jareth's younger, slightly less weird brother who decided to try and make it in the human world.
twigcollins: They… don't talk.
ThorneScratch: Yes. Holiday dinners are very tense.
twigcollins: God, all the goblins doing table service while Billy and Jareth pointedly don't look at each other.
ThorneScratch: Oh God yes.
twigcollins: "So... things are well."
"I have a new single."
"Oh."
(silence)
"So... threatened any teenage girls lately?"
"DON'T. START."
ThorneScratch: You know what it would be like? It would be like that great fic Patrick wrote where Akio and Ansem have Thanksgiving dinner together, and they're all up in each other's grill, and Anthy and Riku are just rolling their eyes all over the place.
twigcollins: Yes!
ThorneScratch: "Pass the peas."
And every single holiday dinner ends in a sexy dance off between them to settle the fight. Every. Single. One.
"GAME ON."
"OH BRING IT."
***
(But seriously, watch that video. It so is the best. And then watch Jareth and tell me I'm wrong.)
Click to view***
horizongreene: oh god, and now with the perineum mentions. how fucking LONG is this twitter fic? i do not understand
ThorneScratch: I call foul. Perineum has too many syllables to be efficient in twitter fic. Better to use taint
horizongreene: asdlkfaslkja
ThorneScratch: You save three characters!
horizongreene: that word. but it's a horrendous word.
ThorneScratch: Look, man, I'm only being efficient. Would gooch work better for you? Also less characters.
horizongreene: wtf
ThorneScratch: You'll never make it in the world of twitter porn if you don't learn to compromise your artistic standards for anatomical terms, dude.
horizongreene: this is true. it's a sacrifice that must be made.
***
ThorneScratch: Every time I check out at CVS, I ask myself, "Is today the day I actually buy Shaun White gum?" ...but it has never been that day yet.
… …He has TWO flavors now. TWO. Jesus.
***
horizongreene: people thinking up stupid things to describe how someone tastes-- just stop. it is not important, unless it's actually relevant to the story.
ThorneScratch: Precisely. Plus, I mean, does one ever really notice how someone tastes unless it's sorta negative? Like, in real life when I make out:
"Oh, coffee."
"Oh, garlic."
"Oh, Shaun White gum."
horizongreene: i guess i NOTICE, but i'm not analyzing.
ThorneScratch: But yeah, that unique taste thing is bullshit. NOTHING IS EVER UNIQUELY THEM.
horizongreene: nope.
ThorneScratch: Unless it's Shaun White chewing Shaun White gum, I guess. That might qualify.
***
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth/Cloud. AU Set in Berlin 1945: Sephiroth is a general and somewhat of a war hero to the nazis(that would be Shin-Ra in this) but retired after his traumatic captivity in Russia and began thinking about the rights and wrongs of their ideology. Cloud is a 15year old member of the HJ that idolizes Sephiroth and does absolutely not question anything about the Third Reich that to him is a chance to become a hero. Both of them live in Berlin while the Russian troops are coming closer each second and Cloud - as many boys in the HJ - is ordered to prevent them from overtaking the city, no matter what. In this situation, he is rescued by Sephiroth and sparks fly fast between them, while at the same time Sephiroth tries to persuade him to give up the fight.
Kinks: uniforms, age-difference, military & a good desperate fuck while the realization that they have lost sinks in
Thanks for reading and plz I can has etc.
…That's not a prompt, dude. That's a mini synopsis. This is all just going to end in suicide. No one wants that.
twigcollins: ROFL LMAO
ThorneScratch: It's just… Godwin's Law, dude. If you bring up Nazis in a kink meme for a fandom where Nazis don't even exist, you have lost AND you deserve to be whacked upside the head.
twigcollins: And my brain did not just go "Wait, who gets to be Anne Frank?" I am going so to hell.
ThorneScratch: Don't say it. Don't do it.
twigcollins: ... Aeris.
ThorneScratch: TWIG. TWIG, STOP. BEFORE IT GOES TOO FAR
twigcollins: This started out TOO FAR. Any time you think "kicky FF7 AU kink", and you go "I know, NAZIS!", you are already packing your bags for TooFarVanyla. TooFaristan. Docking in WTF-erica.
ThorneScratch: With a layover in TooFaranada. Well, you've succeeded, because now all I can think of is The Pianist. Which would have to be Vincent, in that AU crossover.
…"Shinra's List." Fuck fuck fuck. I HATE US.
twigcollins: Dude. What hath we wrought.
ThorneScratch: I know. I should never post this. It must remain a secret. Like the Da Vinci Code.
twigcollins: Where Sephiroth is a crippled, ancient historian bent on exposing the truth and Cloud is an albino servant of Opus Dei and falls to floor, twitching and foaming, and dies. "Remember.... meeeeee."
ThorneScratch: Shit, we're only digging a deeper hole. Never mind, I WILL post this. Hopefully I can blame this all on Flidget.
***
ThorneScratch: I know we were just debating about Nazis and how they don't belong in FF7. BUT. I don't care if it's not strictly accurate; FF7 does have to have a St. Patrick's Day or something comparable, just so Zack can do horrible, horrible things to regret the next day
twigcollins: God, yes. Not that every holiday wouldn't be used as the Excuse To Get Drunk Holiday.
Zack: Hey, they're changing postage rates.
Reno: I'll get the keg!
Cloud: Oh God.
ThorneScratch: Cloud actually has a fake calendar he deploys accordingly, in order to limit this kind of thing.
Zack: What the hell, it's been February for, like, nine months.
Cloud: That's because it's leap year.
Zack: ...oh.
***
ThorneScratch: Oh, so I was talking to Flidget a while ago about how one of the pet peeves I hate in fic is the conception that somehow it's impossible to keep from moaning or groaning or basically making some kind of ecstatic noise while masturbating. Because... really? I mean, I find most people actually keep that shit locked down tight, especially if they grew up with siblings, or roommates, or in the armed forces, or whatever.
And then we started debating about Cloud. And basically, I think we decided Cloud was a quiet jerker, but there are people like Reno and possibly Zack who are deliberately loud, just to fuck with other people. And there are the special cases like Sephiroth who can mentally will themselves to a hands-free orgasm without even changing facial expressions.
Like, maaaaaaybe you'll see one of his eyebrows twitch. Once. Briefly.
twigcollins: Tseng's like that too!
Zack: Boardroom meetings get really weird. I mean really weird.
Yeah, Reno just makes noises like a shifting tectonic plate. There are massive invisible forces at work.
ThorneScratch: Flidget and I agreed that Reno blows a vuvuzela after he finishes. (And then he passes out, triumphant.)
twigcollins: Just in case anyone missed the memo.
ThorneScratch: Now I'm just going through every character I like and deciding what kind of masturbator they are.
***
ThorneScratch: I need help.
twigcollins: ok stop killing those hookers
twigcollins: for one
twigcollins: also, bend at the knees
twigcollins: not at the waist
ThorneScratch: While killing the hookers, or just afterwards when cleaning up the mess?
twigcollins: both. you wouldn't want to suffer a repetitive stress injury
twigcollins: it could take you out of the hooker-killing business for weeks
twigcollins: …whatchoo need help with?
ThorneScratch: …you know, it has slipped my mind.
***
twigcollins: I haven't been talking to anyone or doing anything, and yet somehow I have no time.
ThorneScratch: Dude, you are hiking and walking and writing. These are all good things.
twigcollins: We did do the hiking. Not writing; my writing well is dry. And there is a drunk man at the bottom of it. It is really hard to tell someone you're just coincidentally inside their mailbox.
ThorneScratch: I assume you are also still stalking your usuals, and that can take time. Sending all those mail bombs to Uwe Boll isn't effortless, you know.
twigcollins: He's very nimble for such an old guy.
ThorneScratch: Exactly. In comparison to you, I am a disaster right now.
twigcollins: You're doing really good. You're a homeowner. You're not on heroin. You've killed less than five people.
ThorneScratch: ....that you know of.
twigcollins: You don't LOOK like you're on heroin. That's the important part.
ThorneScratch: That's true. That's very valuable life advice.
***
ThorneScratch: The plants I grow have to be plants that can survive a lot of neglect.
Flidget: Mint is good for that. Which is also why it's a bitch. Sage is actually a new one to me in terms of not knowing its place. I'm by necessity 100% container gardener, so invasiveness and shit overstepping its bounds is usually not my problem. Though this year I'm trying to train up nasturtiums over my balcony railings and that stuff likes to run. So we'll see. My big fear is it'll try to grow into the exhaust vent of the McDonalds next door.
Lavender I love, and that stuff is usually hardy as hell. I used to have windowboxes full of it but I lost it all one year to some incredibly harsh spring winds. Made my flat smell incredible, but kind of annoying to lose all that lavender.
ThorneScratch: Aww. Yeah, with plants, my required ranking is usually something along the lines of:
1. Survives neglect well
2. Tastes good
3. Smells good
4. Can be used in a pinch to poison my enemies
5. Can be used in a pinch to possibly cure a cold
6. Is pretty
(Enemy poisoning outranks healing because I am evil at heart.)
Flidget: Baby, have I got the plant for you! Except I am all about non-invasive species so maybe I don't have the plant for you, but snapdragons! Except they're not native to the west and tend to get invasive due to being hardy as fuck and also ridiculously self-seeding. They are the quivering reality show stars of the plant world.
OH WAIT NEVER MIND. I was under the mistaken impression they're toxic, but they aren't. So they are useless to you. Anyway, I'm thinking of lupines
ThorneScratch: Oooh, nice. See, lilies of the valley also cover at least three of those categories. They're pretty, smell good, and they're poisonous. ALSO they win points by being thematically significant since they are the flower of May, my birth month.
Flidget: Oooh.
ThorneScratch: They can figure into the calling card I leave when I eventually become a super villain. Or a Weiss Kreuz assassin. …Except they do cats. But they're florists.
…God, that show was fucking stupid.
***
twigcollins: I only have two days off after seeing Flidget but sometime late summer, maybe I can come see you for a long weekend? If you have free time, no pressure.
ThorneScratch: You can come any time you like; my door is always open to you. Which is irrelevant anyway, since I know you prefer to hide under the porch. You really shouldn't scare the mailman like that. He has a weak heart.
twigcollins: Because you tasered him. Dude, that's on you.
ThorneScratch: It was only a little tasering. He didn't bring my Amazon package on the day I expected it.
twigcollins: And the squirrels?
ThorneScratch: I was super bored that day.
***
ThorneScratch: Okay, one of our coworkers apparently got a migraine and went down to nap in her car like an hour ago and never came back. Someone sneaked down to check just now. She's clearly asleep, but windows aren't cracked or anything. We're debating over whether or not we should do anything. Like, if we need to knock on the window to check if she's okay, or if one of us should just set our own car alarm off from a distance and see if that works
twigcollins: I'd knock, if you're worried.
ThorneScratch: ...it's not so much we're worried; we're actually more resentful that she's napping and we're not. Because we are all awful people.
***
...Is this year OVER yet? Why is it still happening?
I think next time I will post pictures that make me happy. I was trying to find a good one to conclude on, but I am kind of drawing a blank, so... um... we'll go with this one.
Yep.