They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom
Today in things that continue to distress and confuse me:
Why is a punk rock duck (I mean, I assume he's punk rock; he has a pierced bill and a spiked collar and pink mohawk) being used to sell gum? Specifically, watermelon-flavored gum? There is no connection between watermelon and punk rock ducks that I can come up with. Further investigation showed that the duck was not actually limited to watermelon-that he is actually the official mascot for Bubble Yum and has a name: Floyd D. Duck. DUCKS DON'T EVEN HAVE TEETH. THEY CAN'T CHEW GUM. WHAT THE HELL.
Now if they had an orange gum flavor, and they used ducks to front it, maybe that would make more sense. As it is, I am going to use my "gay ducks" tag, even if the duck in question is not strictly gay. It could be, though! ...Look, I just want to use the tag. This is again one of those instances where I wish I cared more about Anaheim's team, because then I could get another joke out of it.
Still need to do that pic-spam. I think it's because it's so large. I get bored uploading the pics. I should have gone with one of my runner up pic spam ideas, which are listed below.
Carlznerson Bro It Up In Highly Suspect Fashion
Ovi And Semin Bro it Up In Highly Suspect Fashion
Ovi And Semin Looking Like They're Three Seconds Away From Making Out
Ovi And Semin Actually Making Out (Thank You Boston Series For Inspiring That Incident)
Drunk Caps
Mike Green Staring Off Vaguely Into The Middle Distance With One Arched Eyebrow
Various Caps Wearing Dumbass Hats
Semin Sitting On Or Otherwise Molesting Goalies
Junk In The Trunk
Super Swingin' Swedes
Jesus Christ What The Actual Fuck Is Ovi/Semin/Green/(Insert Cap Name Here) Wearing Today?
Brooks Laich Is Hotter Than The Sun
Ovi Being Underdressed At Formal Events
Ovi Not Wearing Any Clothes
Mike Knuble Is A DILF
Caps With Crazy Eyes
Caps With Crazy Eyes (Special Goalie Edition)
Bad Tattoo Choices
On the Stanley Cup-Congrats, LA Kings. I hate you less than at least eight other teams out there, so if you had to win, well, that doesn't suck. Nice job on ending your drought, getting your first Cup, and having altogether the best team twitter, hands down.
On Dale Hunter-Ah, well, just when we had all gotten ourselves amped that he had what it took to coach in the big leagues and we were on board with him, he pulls out. I wasn't too surprised-job was his to turn down, as most of us predicted, and he decided to turn it down. And knowing what he has waiting for him, it's understandable. Part of me is sad because I like him and I was on board, part of me is glad he's going out on a decent note, part of me is relieved he at least seemed to unfuck a lot of bad habits, and part of me isn't sure he would have been the best strategic mind going forward. If he at least got us back on track and fostered good instincts, that's a net gain.
Someone else made the suggestion that as one of the few coachless teams remaining, GMGM should totally do a reality show competition for the next Caps coach. Like, you'd have to make a sort of combination between the Apprentice (present ideas on how to fix the powerplay), the Bachelor (compete for your individual date with Ovi), Fear Factor (ride a vespa with Mike Green), America's Got Talent (uh, some kind of Juice Boy angle here), America's Next Top Model (smizing during your post game presser), Hell's Kitchen (can you swear enough to meet Boudrea and Hunter levels?) and so forth. And each day, GMGM comes out and kicks another candidate off the show.
On Mike Knuble-I can't say anything about this. I'm still crying too hard. Come back later.
On Jeff Halpern-Not crying quite as hard, still sad it didn't turn out better.
On Dean Evason-Gonna miss you, dude. You were the last man standing in terms of previous assistant coaches. Best of luck in Milwaukee.
On Evgeni Kuznetsov-Cocktease. But again, when you stack up what he's got going for him (money, fame, a place he speaks the language, family, an assured spot on the Olympic squad) versus what he'd be coming to (less money, less spotlight, foreign language and country, Russian thugs possibly setting his car on fire, blocked Olympic spot), it's easy to see him picking the KHL for political reasons. It doesn't mean I like it, and his comment of being afraid he wouldn't get as much ice time does drop him a bit in my eyes, and I don't weigh his accomplishments as much since he's doing it in a league I don't think is as good. But I understand it. And it's not the end of the world, since he could still come over at age 22, and we'd be okay.
On Alex Semin-DON'T LEAVE US, SASHA. PLEASE. SERIOUSLY, YOUR BROMANCE WITH OVI CANNOT BE AT ITS END. I CAN'T DO WITHOUT YOUR GOOFY FACES AND ALL AROUND WEIRD BEHAVIOR AND FILTHY SNIPING SKILLS. I EVEN LOVE YOU WHEN YOU COMMIT OFFENSIVE ZONE STICK PENALTIES. DON'T GOOOOOOO.
On the NHL Awards-Didn't really watch, so nothing to really say. Something something Nickelback something Shanahan parody something something Tracy Morgan something something Malkin something Mike Green throwing darts at a picture of Karlsson something hee hee Lundqvist swore something something something fuck off Winnipeg. DONE.
(Edit: Hey, things are popping up online now. I agree with RMNB's critique. Plus, he's wearing his away jersey at a home game! I call foul!)
Anyway, links. I'm trying to figure out the ideal number of links to post, because I know if I see more than eight, I more than likely won't read any of them, and three or less makes me think, "well, why even bother?" so I guess 6-8 links is the best number for my attention span. But I'm curious what everyone's number is, if they have a minimum or maximum number they tolerate or enjoy.
Utena: Texts From Last Night. When I shared this with Twig, both of us commented that it's kind of a cool thing the way these are simultaneously hilarious, weird, and extremely apt. Goddamn, do I love the Utena series. More people should watch it. I keep meaning to do all all-night marathon bender of it
Indifferent cats in amateur porn. NSFW, seriously. It is exactly what it says it is.
Stately Sandwiches. Sandwiches based on different states. The photography is pretty awesome. Plus, you know, sandwiches-- also awesome.
10 of the Most Terrifying Children’s Books From Around the World. I love Outside Over There but was unaware of the rest of these. I may never sleep again. Or, my eventual children may never sleep again once I track these down.
War of 1812 Commemorative Tea. I like Capital Teas, so you should check out the rest of their website, but this one made me boggle a bit when it showed up in my inbox. Of all the things to commemorate in tea form-- I would not have initially picked this off the bat. (Of course, now I am obligated to find some, serve it to thebaconfat when she visits, and then see if she burns down my house.)
Destino. I was completely unaware Disney and Salvador Dali had done a collaboration. Now I am! And it's actually really cool. Link has both the Wikipedia entry and the film bit. Watch the film, it is… well, surreal. But very lovely.
'Mermaids: The Body Found' On Animal Planet Argues Mythical Sea Creatures Are Aquatic Apes. Interesting. But I like mermaids, and I also like monkeys, so maybe that's just me.
Choreography with real swans. Got this from Twig. Swan Lake with real swans added in. I don't even, but my God, I'd love to be in that audience, but only while wearing a suit of armor.
Last weekend, I made three kinds of pie and a cobbler. I was the King of Pies; it was amazing. I also have the music to Swan Lake stuck in my head, less amazing. I mean, it's good music and all, but there's the downside of going all Black Swan and crazy. Sure, you get to make out with Mila Kunis, but then you start getting pinfeathers in your back and your feet go all wonky and someone ends up with a big shard of mirror jammed in their chest. No one wants that.
Why is a punk rock duck (I mean, I assume he's punk rock; he has a pierced bill and a spiked collar and pink mohawk) being used to sell gum? Specifically, watermelon-flavored gum? There is no connection between watermelon and punk rock ducks that I can come up with. Further investigation showed that the duck was not actually limited to watermelon-that he is actually the official mascot for Bubble Yum and has a name: Floyd D. Duck. DUCKS DON'T EVEN HAVE TEETH. THEY CAN'T CHEW GUM. WHAT THE HELL.
Now if they had an orange gum flavor, and they used ducks to front it, maybe that would make more sense. As it is, I am going to use my "gay ducks" tag, even if the duck in question is not strictly gay. It could be, though! ...Look, I just want to use the tag. This is again one of those instances where I wish I cared more about Anaheim's team, because then I could get another joke out of it.
Still need to do that pic-spam. I think it's because it's so large. I get bored uploading the pics. I should have gone with one of my runner up pic spam ideas, which are listed below.
Carlznerson Bro It Up In Highly Suspect Fashion
Ovi And Semin Bro it Up In Highly Suspect Fashion
Ovi And Semin Looking Like They're Three Seconds Away From Making Out
Ovi And Semin Actually Making Out (Thank You Boston Series For Inspiring That Incident)
Drunk Caps
Mike Green Staring Off Vaguely Into The Middle Distance With One Arched Eyebrow
Various Caps Wearing Dumbass Hats
Semin Sitting On Or Otherwise Molesting Goalies
Junk In The Trunk
Super Swingin' Swedes
Jesus Christ What The Actual Fuck Is Ovi/Semin/Green/(Insert Cap Name Here) Wearing Today?
Brooks Laich Is Hotter Than The Sun
Ovi Being Underdressed At Formal Events
Ovi Not Wearing Any Clothes
Mike Knuble Is A DILF
Caps With Crazy Eyes
Caps With Crazy Eyes (Special Goalie Edition)
Bad Tattoo Choices
On the Stanley Cup-Congrats, LA Kings. I hate you less than at least eight other teams out there, so if you had to win, well, that doesn't suck. Nice job on ending your drought, getting your first Cup, and having altogether the best team twitter, hands down.
On Dale Hunter-Ah, well, just when we had all gotten ourselves amped that he had what it took to coach in the big leagues and we were on board with him, he pulls out. I wasn't too surprised-job was his to turn down, as most of us predicted, and he decided to turn it down. And knowing what he has waiting for him, it's understandable. Part of me is sad because I like him and I was on board, part of me is glad he's going out on a decent note, part of me is relieved he at least seemed to unfuck a lot of bad habits, and part of me isn't sure he would have been the best strategic mind going forward. If he at least got us back on track and fostered good instincts, that's a net gain.
Someone else made the suggestion that as one of the few coachless teams remaining, GMGM should totally do a reality show competition for the next Caps coach. Like, you'd have to make a sort of combination between the Apprentice (present ideas on how to fix the powerplay), the Bachelor (compete for your individual date with Ovi), Fear Factor (ride a vespa with Mike Green), America's Got Talent (uh, some kind of Juice Boy angle here), America's Next Top Model (smizing during your post game presser), Hell's Kitchen (can you swear enough to meet Boudrea and Hunter levels?) and so forth. And each day, GMGM comes out and kicks another candidate off the show.
On Mike Knuble-I can't say anything about this. I'm still crying too hard. Come back later.
On Jeff Halpern-Not crying quite as hard, still sad it didn't turn out better.
On Dean Evason-Gonna miss you, dude. You were the last man standing in terms of previous assistant coaches. Best of luck in Milwaukee.
On Evgeni Kuznetsov-Cocktease. But again, when you stack up what he's got going for him (money, fame, a place he speaks the language, family, an assured spot on the Olympic squad) versus what he'd be coming to (less money, less spotlight, foreign language and country, Russian thugs possibly setting his car on fire, blocked Olympic spot), it's easy to see him picking the KHL for political reasons. It doesn't mean I like it, and his comment of being afraid he wouldn't get as much ice time does drop him a bit in my eyes, and I don't weigh his accomplishments as much since he's doing it in a league I don't think is as good. But I understand it. And it's not the end of the world, since he could still come over at age 22, and we'd be okay.
On Alex Semin-DON'T LEAVE US, SASHA. PLEASE. SERIOUSLY, YOUR BROMANCE WITH OVI CANNOT BE AT ITS END. I CAN'T DO WITHOUT YOUR GOOFY FACES AND ALL AROUND WEIRD BEHAVIOR AND FILTHY SNIPING SKILLS. I EVEN LOVE YOU WHEN YOU COMMIT OFFENSIVE ZONE STICK PENALTIES. DON'T GOOOOOOO.
On the NHL Awards-Didn't really watch, so nothing to really say. Something something Nickelback something Shanahan parody something something Tracy Morgan something something Malkin something Mike Green throwing darts at a picture of Karlsson something hee hee Lundqvist swore something something something fuck off Winnipeg. DONE.
(Edit: Hey, things are popping up online now. I agree with RMNB's critique. Plus, he's wearing his away jersey at a home game! I call foul!)
Anyway, links. I'm trying to figure out the ideal number of links to post, because I know if I see more than eight, I more than likely won't read any of them, and three or less makes me think, "well, why even bother?" so I guess 6-8 links is the best number for my attention span. But I'm curious what everyone's number is, if they have a minimum or maximum number they tolerate or enjoy.
Utena: Texts From Last Night. When I shared this with Twig, both of us commented that it's kind of a cool thing the way these are simultaneously hilarious, weird, and extremely apt. Goddamn, do I love the Utena series. More people should watch it. I keep meaning to do all all-night marathon bender of it
Indifferent cats in amateur porn. NSFW, seriously. It is exactly what it says it is.
Stately Sandwiches. Sandwiches based on different states. The photography is pretty awesome. Plus, you know, sandwiches-- also awesome.
10 of the Most Terrifying Children’s Books From Around the World. I love Outside Over There but was unaware of the rest of these. I may never sleep again. Or, my eventual children may never sleep again once I track these down.
War of 1812 Commemorative Tea. I like Capital Teas, so you should check out the rest of their website, but this one made me boggle a bit when it showed up in my inbox. Of all the things to commemorate in tea form-- I would not have initially picked this off the bat. (Of course, now I am obligated to find some, serve it to thebaconfat when she visits, and then see if she burns down my house.)
Destino. I was completely unaware Disney and Salvador Dali had done a collaboration. Now I am! And it's actually really cool. Link has both the Wikipedia entry and the film bit. Watch the film, it is… well, surreal. But very lovely.
'Mermaids: The Body Found' On Animal Planet Argues Mythical Sea Creatures Are Aquatic Apes. Interesting. But I like mermaids, and I also like monkeys, so maybe that's just me.
Choreography with real swans. Got this from Twig. Swan Lake with real swans added in. I don't even, but my God, I'd love to be in that audience, but only while wearing a suit of armor.
Last weekend, I made three kinds of pie and a cobbler. I was the King of Pies; it was amazing. I also have the music to Swan Lake stuck in my head, less amazing. I mean, it's good music and all, but there's the downside of going all Black Swan and crazy. Sure, you get to make out with Mila Kunis, but then you start getting pinfeathers in your back and your feet go all wonky and someone ends up with a big shard of mirror jammed in their chest. No one wants that.