Said your mother told you all that I could give you was a reputation
Time it took for me to feel bad enough about saying nasty things about the other team to put them behind a cut: roughly twenty minutes.
Fuck the Canes, man. Just fuck 'em. I'd apologize to the Canes fans on my flist, but nah. Can't even muster the energy to be considerate. Fuck the captain and his invisible eyebrows, fuck hockey-Bieber and his temper tantrums, fuck the stupid hot goalie, fuck it all. Fuck our shitty PDO and inability to finish. FUCK EVERYTHING TONIGHT. (Tomorrow I will be fair-minded and even-tempered again, but right now I have Guinness and a lot of frustration in me. A GREAT COMBINATION.)
Sigh. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but this season is just doing its best to be one continuous kick to the junk over and over again. I gotta find other supplemental things to keep me happy; this isn't quite achieving the job. Anyway.
Stars Reveal Their Favourite Muppets: Some great answers, but Werner Herzog, you have no soul.
Terrifying horse mask has the greatest customer image gallery on Amazon: This, and the next two links, pretty much tell you everything you need to know in the headline and there's nothing I can substantively add to improve it.
Cannibal who ate head of former lover proposes to Satan-worshipping vampire girlfriend behind bars of psychiatric unit: To quote Twig, "You know, I can imagine the guy responsible for that headline trying to cut a few words here and there and finally just going "fuck it" because really you need them all."
Watch ‘Downton Tabby,’ Basically Downton Abbey on Drugs, and With Cats: Yep!
You Will Never Kill Piracy, and Piracy Will Never Kill You: Interesting article about internet piracy and several of the obvious points surrounding it.
Daley leads GB divers in hilarious spoof of 'Sexy And I Know It': I really hope I can somehow claim credit for this.
ThorneScratch: FLIDGET. ARE YOU THERE.
flidgetjerome: I AM. THORNE.
ThorneScratch: WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING IS TOTALLY NOT AS IMPORTANT AS WHAT I NEED TO SHOW YOU. Oh good.
flidgetjerome: NO.
ThorneScratch: CLICK IT.
flidgetjerome: NO THORNE WE HAVE A MORATORIUM ON TOM DALEY.
ThorneScratch: DO IIIITTTTTTT. YOU HAVE TO. FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION.
flidgetjerome: ...I have never so regretted that 16 is the age of consent here.
ThorneScratch: Did we cause this?
flidgetjerome: TOM DALEY YOU ARE AN INNOCENT FLOWER PUT ON A SHIRT. God, I hope not.
ThorneScratch: Dude. This is like...
flidgetjerome: I told you. I TOLD YOU.
ThorneScratch: This is like the equivalent of the third arc in his anime series.
flidgetjerome: Alridge was just backstory. He's becoming one of those semes with a traumatic past.
ThorneScratch: He's gone past the abusive seme to acting out.
flidgetjerome: This is aaaaaall backstory. OH GOD I... I HATE YOU. Because I'm going to say something horrible and bring down the curse upon him again.
ThorneScratch: YOU LOVE IT. SAY IT.
flidgetjerome: I REALLY SHOULDN'T.
ThorneScratch: IT IS DESTINY. IT IS HIS FATE.
flidgetjerome: Yeah that's the problem, I feel now like we're not really influencing anything. We're just really genre savvy, and noticing the signs.
Publishers of Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark are replacing original artwork: Remember that book that scared the crap out of you as a kid because of its illustrations? You know the one I'm talking about. Chances are you still have nightmares about it. To 'celebrate' the 30th anniversary of this book trilogy, the publishers are replacing Gammell's original illustrations. To which I say, TRAVESTY. I had the shit scared out of me by those pictures AND SO SHOULD TODAY'S CHILDREN.
Brown Bear Waking Up From Hibernation: This is pictorial representation of my Monday mornings. God, life would be easier if I could hibernate.
A Tiny Horse That Got Even Tinier as the Planet Heated Up: I like to throw a couple legit scientific articles in with all the links about, like, hockey and novelty velociraptor dildoes and whatever Stephen King is doing at the moment. Tiny horses! I feel like there is a munchkins joke I should be making, but I can't be arsed.
12 Strange Things About Goats: Accents, Mayors and More: I do like goats. I like them even more, now that I know they can have accents.
The last of the glass eye makers: A link courtesy of Flidget because she knows fake eyes creep the shit out of me. She is a terrible person. But it is a very interesting article. Taught me more than I ever thought I'd wanted to know about glass eyes.
Ten Most Difficult Words To Translate: Old article. I still like it. I think my favorite of the lot is "tingo." HOW DID THEY KNOW MY PLANS?
Tyrannosaurus rex's bite more dangerous than previously believed: In other news, water also wet, sun also hot, sky also blue.
Five hundred new fairytales discovered in Germany: A collection of fairytales gathered by historian Franz Xaver von Schönwerth had been locked away in an archive in Regensburg for over 150 years. This is amazing.
It's All About the Big Hats: We Have a Pope Trailer: Trailer for a movie about electing a pope who doesn't want to be a pope. Kind of agree with the article-so much potential here! So sure to fail! But I am a pope-linking fool.
You Can Play: Behind Patrick Burke’s bold effort using NHL players to fight homophobia in hockey: I approve. Thanks, Burke.
***
Then, Twig and I talked about religion! It turns out exactly as you'd expect.
twigcollins: Wait, there's a religious exemption for immunizations. Ooh. Church of the Latter Day Born Again Keg-Standing Free Baptists.
ThorneScratch: I am stealing the idea of and/or joining this religion you promote.
twigcollins: It's a complicated series of beliefs and balance problems.
ThorneScratch: I am stealing that description too. This religion must have a certain dress code.
twigcollins: And a meeting prayer that we... can remember. Bits of. Sort of. Just put your back into it; God can tell you mean it.
ThorneScratch: God doesn't require us to be vertical for our worship!
twigcollins: As long as your heart is with the lord, your position to the earth is less important.
ThorneScratch: Engraved on the wall of our worship facilities, that.
twigcollins: Right beneath the shifting wall of beer cans. Which is like the Wailing Wall, but with more drunk dialing.
ThorneScratch: The communion is composed of Doritos.
twigcollins: It grinds to a halt when they run out of Cool Ranch. Actually that's the split. The Nacho Cheese believers from the Cool Ranch faction.
ThorneScratch: Oh my God yes. The Great Dorito Schism. This produces the Thousand Year War of the Snack Foods.
twigcollins: With cheese-stained fingers we wrote our history.
ThorneScratch: "Pope Josh wore a backwards baseball cap at his ceremony and later passed out in the bushes with his pants halfway down his knees."
twigcollins: "The papal scepter was confiscated by police and returned to its secular life as a stop sign."
ThorneScratch: I take it back, the papal hat shouldn't be a baseball cap, it should be a traffic cone.
twigcollins: YES. We're horning in on the territory of the Church of Bros. There's going to be fights. And by fights, I mean a lot of cross-denomination puking.
ThorneScratch: We can take them. They're too stoned to have good hand-eye coordination anyway.
twigcollins: The Stations of the Crosstown Bus Ride. Hey, is it a holy day today? I'm usually only this sacrilegious if there are bonus points accumulating.
Louise continues to update me on the state of her nipples. Given they are at least an occasionally accurate barometer of her health, I continue to receive these updates and sometimes even preemptively ask for them. After all, it's kind of fascinating, like watching a chrysalis or an egg, though hopefully with less eventual bursting involved. After a while though, we agreed that there had to be a more discreet way for her to do this, because apparently they change so damn often that this was becoming a multiple-times-during-the-day update, and I already get enough side-eyes at work for some of my cell phone conversations. ( "Hi Mom. No, I don't know where the gorilla suit is.")
Therefore, all mammary-related updates are begun with the query, "Are the vicar and his wife at home?" (The vicar is located on the left side, just FYI.) You can probably extrapolate the potential outcomes from the potential responses, which include, "The vicar is at home," "The vicar is home but his wife is out," "The vicar is in the church but his wife is at home," and "Both the vicar and his wife are out today!"
I tried to craft some sort of Kostitsyn brothers query to use, arguing that their respective nicknames, their winger positions, and sizes made them pretty much fantastically ideal for the situation ("Andrei is on the second line today but Sergei is a healthy scratch.") Regretfully, Louise would not go for this, hence the vicar.
I wish I could say my tits did anything half as interesting, but they don't; regretfully, it is not all of us who can boast such extraordinary racks.
Fuck the Canes, man. Just fuck 'em. I'd apologize to the Canes fans on my flist, but nah. Can't even muster the energy to be considerate. Fuck the captain and his invisible eyebrows, fuck hockey-Bieber and his temper tantrums, fuck the stupid hot goalie, fuck it all. Fuck our shitty PDO and inability to finish. FUCK EVERYTHING TONIGHT. (Tomorrow I will be fair-minded and even-tempered again, but right now I have Guinness and a lot of frustration in me. A GREAT COMBINATION.)
Sigh. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but this season is just doing its best to be one continuous kick to the junk over and over again. I gotta find other supplemental things to keep me happy; this isn't quite achieving the job. Anyway.
Stars Reveal Their Favourite Muppets: Some great answers, but Werner Herzog, you have no soul.
Terrifying horse mask has the greatest customer image gallery on Amazon: This, and the next two links, pretty much tell you everything you need to know in the headline and there's nothing I can substantively add to improve it.
Cannibal who ate head of former lover proposes to Satan-worshipping vampire girlfriend behind bars of psychiatric unit: To quote Twig, "You know, I can imagine the guy responsible for that headline trying to cut a few words here and there and finally just going "fuck it" because really you need them all."
Watch ‘Downton Tabby,’ Basically Downton Abbey on Drugs, and With Cats: Yep!
You Will Never Kill Piracy, and Piracy Will Never Kill You: Interesting article about internet piracy and several of the obvious points surrounding it.
Daley leads GB divers in hilarious spoof of 'Sexy And I Know It': I really hope I can somehow claim credit for this.
ThorneScratch: FLIDGET. ARE YOU THERE.
flidgetjerome: I AM. THORNE.
ThorneScratch: WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING IS TOTALLY NOT AS IMPORTANT AS WHAT I NEED TO SHOW YOU. Oh good.
flidgetjerome: NO.
ThorneScratch: CLICK IT.
flidgetjerome: NO THORNE WE HAVE A MORATORIUM ON TOM DALEY.
ThorneScratch: DO IIIITTTTTTT. YOU HAVE TO. FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION.
flidgetjerome: ...I have never so regretted that 16 is the age of consent here.
ThorneScratch: Did we cause this?
flidgetjerome: TOM DALEY YOU ARE AN INNOCENT FLOWER PUT ON A SHIRT. God, I hope not.
ThorneScratch: Dude. This is like...
flidgetjerome: I told you. I TOLD YOU.
ThorneScratch: This is like the equivalent of the third arc in his anime series.
flidgetjerome: Alridge was just backstory. He's becoming one of those semes with a traumatic past.
ThorneScratch: He's gone past the abusive seme to acting out.
flidgetjerome: This is aaaaaall backstory. OH GOD I... I HATE YOU. Because I'm going to say something horrible and bring down the curse upon him again.
ThorneScratch: YOU LOVE IT. SAY IT.
flidgetjerome: I REALLY SHOULDN'T.
ThorneScratch: IT IS DESTINY. IT IS HIS FATE.
flidgetjerome: Yeah that's the problem, I feel now like we're not really influencing anything. We're just really genre savvy, and noticing the signs.
Publishers of Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark are replacing original artwork: Remember that book that scared the crap out of you as a kid because of its illustrations? You know the one I'm talking about. Chances are you still have nightmares about it. To 'celebrate' the 30th anniversary of this book trilogy, the publishers are replacing Gammell's original illustrations. To which I say, TRAVESTY. I had the shit scared out of me by those pictures AND SO SHOULD TODAY'S CHILDREN.
Brown Bear Waking Up From Hibernation: This is pictorial representation of my Monday mornings. God, life would be easier if I could hibernate.
A Tiny Horse That Got Even Tinier as the Planet Heated Up: I like to throw a couple legit scientific articles in with all the links about, like, hockey and novelty velociraptor dildoes and whatever Stephen King is doing at the moment. Tiny horses! I feel like there is a munchkins joke I should be making, but I can't be arsed.
12 Strange Things About Goats: Accents, Mayors and More: I do like goats. I like them even more, now that I know they can have accents.
The last of the glass eye makers: A link courtesy of Flidget because she knows fake eyes creep the shit out of me. She is a terrible person. But it is a very interesting article. Taught me more than I ever thought I'd wanted to know about glass eyes.
Ten Most Difficult Words To Translate: Old article. I still like it. I think my favorite of the lot is "tingo." HOW DID THEY KNOW MY PLANS?
Tyrannosaurus rex's bite more dangerous than previously believed: In other news, water also wet, sun also hot, sky also blue.
Five hundred new fairytales discovered in Germany: A collection of fairytales gathered by historian Franz Xaver von Schönwerth had been locked away in an archive in Regensburg for over 150 years. This is amazing.
It's All About the Big Hats: We Have a Pope Trailer: Trailer for a movie about electing a pope who doesn't want to be a pope. Kind of agree with the article-so much potential here! So sure to fail! But I am a pope-linking fool.
You Can Play: Behind Patrick Burke’s bold effort using NHL players to fight homophobia in hockey: I approve. Thanks, Burke.
***
Then, Twig and I talked about religion! It turns out exactly as you'd expect.
twigcollins: Wait, there's a religious exemption for immunizations. Ooh. Church of the Latter Day Born Again Keg-Standing Free Baptists.
ThorneScratch: I am stealing the idea of and/or joining this religion you promote.
twigcollins: It's a complicated series of beliefs and balance problems.
ThorneScratch: I am stealing that description too. This religion must have a certain dress code.
twigcollins: And a meeting prayer that we... can remember. Bits of. Sort of. Just put your back into it; God can tell you mean it.
ThorneScratch: God doesn't require us to be vertical for our worship!
twigcollins: As long as your heart is with the lord, your position to the earth is less important.
ThorneScratch: Engraved on the wall of our worship facilities, that.
twigcollins: Right beneath the shifting wall of beer cans. Which is like the Wailing Wall, but with more drunk dialing.
ThorneScratch: The communion is composed of Doritos.
twigcollins: It grinds to a halt when they run out of Cool Ranch. Actually that's the split. The Nacho Cheese believers from the Cool Ranch faction.
ThorneScratch: Oh my God yes. The Great Dorito Schism. This produces the Thousand Year War of the Snack Foods.
twigcollins: With cheese-stained fingers we wrote our history.
ThorneScratch: "Pope Josh wore a backwards baseball cap at his ceremony and later passed out in the bushes with his pants halfway down his knees."
twigcollins: "The papal scepter was confiscated by police and returned to its secular life as a stop sign."
ThorneScratch: I take it back, the papal hat shouldn't be a baseball cap, it should be a traffic cone.
twigcollins: YES. We're horning in on the territory of the Church of Bros. There's going to be fights. And by fights, I mean a lot of cross-denomination puking.
ThorneScratch: We can take them. They're too stoned to have good hand-eye coordination anyway.
twigcollins: The Stations of the Crosstown Bus Ride. Hey, is it a holy day today? I'm usually only this sacrilegious if there are bonus points accumulating.
Louise continues to update me on the state of her nipples. Given they are at least an occasionally accurate barometer of her health, I continue to receive these updates and sometimes even preemptively ask for them. After all, it's kind of fascinating, like watching a chrysalis or an egg, though hopefully with less eventual bursting involved. After a while though, we agreed that there had to be a more discreet way for her to do this, because apparently they change so damn often that this was becoming a multiple-times-during-the-day update, and I already get enough side-eyes at work for some of my cell phone conversations. ( "Hi Mom. No, I don't know where the gorilla suit is.")
Therefore, all mammary-related updates are begun with the query, "Are the vicar and his wife at home?" (The vicar is located on the left side, just FYI.) You can probably extrapolate the potential outcomes from the potential responses, which include, "The vicar is at home," "The vicar is home but his wife is out," "The vicar is in the church but his wife is at home," and "Both the vicar and his wife are out today!"
I tried to craft some sort of Kostitsyn brothers query to use, arguing that their respective nicknames, their winger positions, and sizes made them pretty much fantastically ideal for the situation ("Andrei is on the second line today but Sergei is a healthy scratch.") Regretfully, Louise would not go for this, hence the vicar.
I wish I could say my tits did anything half as interesting, but they don't; regretfully, it is not all of us who can boast such extraordinary racks.