I am good. I have frogs.
Having Louise as a housemate again forces me to keep somewhat more abreast of current pop culture (if only because we like to sit in different rooms and yell back and forth across the hall to each other about what we're reading on ohnotheydidnt), and it also means I go see movies more often now. We went out and saw Love and Other Drugs this week, which I found fairly interesting for reasons other than Jake Gyllenhaal's ass and Anne Hathaway's rack (nice as both assets are). Mostly, this was because thanks to my job, I've been sort of a sidelines viewer of the tango between pharmaceutical companies and doctors that takes place in the medical field, and it can be fucking hilarious.
I don't think they really knew how to market this film. It's got too many downers to be a real romantic comedy; it's got too many throwaway gags to work as a drama. I think they initially pushed it as a RomCom, and then they started bringing out the trailers with the more serious bits-all the weeping and wailing and "You need someone to take care of you!" shouts-and then swung back to the "Hey, you get to see Anne Hathaway's tits!" angle. I think this pushed more people away than it brought in; the audience was divided but not really conquered. (Also, uh, I could totally get down with Viagra-fueled hatesex between Trey Hannigan and Jamie Randall. It would be hot and hilarious. Boner-duels.)
At any rate. Like I said, I actually found this more interesting because I often get to sit back and watch various pharmaceutical groups try to woo doctors; I also get to watch our own group try to woo the companies back into giving us grants. This can start with outright lies and dinners at classy restaurants, eventually it escalates and suddenly you’re sitting there watching the guy from Company A hire Amazonian "lab assistants" with DD chests to parade around and talk to certain doctors, while the lady from Company B is firing back by buying rounds and rounds of mojitos for the docs in the lounge, and eventually the dour CME official comes and breaks it up.
I had to take a course on CME, very similar to a previous sexual harassment course with similar epic fail results. No one should let me do anything that has anything to do with maintaining a medical license. I have a bribery record.
In conclusion, I apologize for being very boring lately. Links and AIM, since I've only been half-heartedly finishing the fic.
Sex Advice from Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pontius. While normally, I would run in the opposite direction of something involving the Jackass guys giving advice on anything remotely sexual, they actually manage to be rather funny! As well as potentially coining "the Allen Ginsburg" as a style of pubic grooming.
What the Fuck Has Obama Done So Far? Sometimes, after the news is particularly depressing, I sit and click on this site repeatedly.
The Most Ridiculous Beer Names Of All Time. Courtesy of twigcollins. I am not quite as susceptible to amazingly bizarre beer names as I am to amazingly bizarre wine labels, but I'm willing to experiment.
10 Absolutely Forbidden Thanksgiving Foods. Meant to post this link last month and forgot. Probably for the best, as the ideas of gravy pizza and creamed candy corn (okay, that is going TOO FAR with Halloween candy recycling) can clog your arteries just by thinking about them.
Jake Gyllenhaal sings the 'Sarah Palin Song' with Jimmy Fallon: The 29-year-old actor joined the yellow-clad group, The Banana Boyz, to help Jimmy sing his new song, "Gonna Eat That Talkin’ Sandwich: The Sarah Palin Song." Jake and I are currently having creative differences and a trial separation because of the whole Taylor Swift thing, but my heart is easily softened by songs about talking sandwiches.
The battle for the best Bollywood item song and dance of 2010 - Munni Badnaam vs. Sheila Ki Jaawani. I like Bollywood musical numbers. It is a thing. For some reason, I can tolerate sudden enormous musical numbers much better when I don't actually understand the language, everyone is in sparkly outfits, and they're not taking place in high schools. (For the record, I'm with Munni Badnaam.)
Russell Brand on Helen Mirren, Diddy, David Lynch, Morrissey, and Pretty Much Everything Else. I feel like this must have been a fun interview to sit in on, though it loses something when the artilce is just a compilation of funny things Russell Brand must have said, slightly out of context now. But I can totally see the Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs elevator thing happening.
French library finds Leonardo da Vinci manuscript: A coded manuscript by Leonardo da Vinci has been discovered in a public library in the French city of Nantes. Expect Dan Brown to write a book about it any day now.
Swiss Door From 5,000 Years Ago Discovered By Archaeologists. Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have unearthed a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. Cool. (Dan Brown may also write a book about this.)
In Her Defense, I'm Sure the Moose Had It Coming. Aaron Sorkin's response to Sarah Palin killing a caribou moose for her reality show. I love you, Aaron. I would never plant crack on you in an airport.
I wonder if it is still accurate to call it "AIM conversation" when it is now more like "Reformated G-Chat Excerpts From Three in the Morning." Semantics, and all.
ThorneScratch: Oh man. The German cardiologist guy I work with just sent me pictures of his vacation. Not only is his family incredibly blond and athletic and good looking, they're all hiking, like, everywhere. They make me feel very American. They look very efficient and dynamic, whereas I right now have a container of leftover buttercream frosting next to me that I am eating for lunch.
THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
twigcollins: Ironically, I have German ancestry.
ThorneScratch: Does it fight with your Polish ancestry?
twigcollins: Ha, Polish ancestry doesn't fight. It just hunkers down and hopes no one notices it. "Oh God, not again."
ThorneScratch: "Hand me a paczki."
***
twigcollins: http://www.boingboing.net/201010181029.jpg
ThorneScratch: CHEWED TO BITS BY GIANT TURTLES.
...though in all accuracy, those look like normal sized turtles?
twigcollins: I was just about to say!
ThorneScratch: I mean, the turtle is not usually known for its lightning attack. Unless they are teenage, mutant, or ninja.
twigcollins: There's more.
ThorneScratch: Oh my God. This is awesome. WE FOUND THE PAIUTE GOLD.
(IT WAS BEHIND THE COUCH.)
twigcollins: Here's the link to the whole series.
ThorneScratch: I wonder why they chose to end the Mean Monkey Monday series with turtles. It seems like an abrupt thematic departure.
twigcollins: Sometimes you have to break a paradigm
ThorneScratch: With turtles, apparently. Giant ones. (Or standard, it's cool.)
twigcollins: Maybe they're giant compared to other forms of homicidal turtle.
***
ThorneScratch: You're just jealous you don't have bread.
Kadrin: You're just jealous you don't have... a head.
ThorneScratch: I have THREE.
Kadrin: How many are yours? Like, naturally yours, not in a paper bag with your name on it.
ThorneScratch: ...I stand on the fifth amendment.
Kadrin: Yeah, the Supreme Court told me that I should talk to you about that. You're getting footprints all over the right not to quarter soldiers in your own domicile.
ThorneScratch: Soldiers always make a mess!
Kadrin: That's why you don't NEED to quarter them on the Bill of Rights. And here's you quartering everything everywhere, WITHOUT EVEN TAKING OFF YOUR DIRTY SHOES.
ThorneScratch: ...I get cold feet otherwise.
Kadrin: Yeah. Also the burning.
ThorneScratch: I take the fifth again.
Kadrin: Seriously, give it back.
ThorneScratch: NO IT'S MINE.
Kadrin: JEFFERSON IS FURIOUS WITH YOU NOW
ThorneScratch: JEFFERSON HAD ISSUES.
Kadrin: HE DID, UNTIL YOU STOLE THEM ALL.
ThorneScratch: WELL THEY SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN ME TO BE ON THE NICKEL INSTEAD.
Kadrin: BE SATISFIED WITH THE TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR NOTE.
ThorneScratch: BUT THEY DIDN'T USE MY GOOD SIDE.
Kadrin: THEY USED ALL ANGLES OF YOU, CRUSHING A MODEL CITY.
ThorneScratch: GOOD TIMES, PATRICK. GOOD TIMES.
Kadrin: Today I watched Monsters vs Aliens again.
ThorneScratch: Was it good? I never saw it.
Kadrin: It was! It was very good. I enjoyed it. It was cheerful and fun and had good female role models.
ThorneScratch: Up is still my favorite animated movie of the year.
Kadrin: You're just a fool for oversized birds.
ThorneScratch: I really am! Plus, the kid reminds me of my Tiny Cousins.
Kadrin: Regardless, you should not let them fly to South America with strange older men; it rarely ends as well as it did in the movie.
ThorneScratch: They might get a free dog out of it, though.
Kadrin: "It is funny because the squirrel gets dead."
ThorneScratch: "I was hiding under your porch because I love you." Which is an excuse I use with the police all the time.
Kadrin: How frequently does it work?
ThorneScratch: It's why I have to stand on the fifth all the time.
Kadrin: It's just making 'em madder, Thorne.
ThorneScratch: Well, they're all bastards anyway.
***
Kadrin: I am back.
ThorneScratch: Maybe it is your evil twin.
Kadrin: I thought I WAS the evil twin.
ThorneScratch: Well, then your twin also grew a beard and the breakdown is that I really just need to make you guys wear nametags.
Kadrin: We're twins, though, so OBVIOUSLY we have the same name.
ThorneScratch: ...FOILED AGAIN.
Kadrin: You'll get me next time, Gadget. Next time.
ThorneScratch: I thought I was Slylock Fox.
Kadrin: I don't keep track of which cartoon detective you are from day to day.
ThorneScratch: Well, if you agreed to take part in the nametag system, maybe you WOULD.
Kadrin: So you're saying, in exchange for me and my good twin wearing (identical) nametages, you would wear nametags suggesting whether or not you're Batman today.
ThorneScratch: YES. (I would not specify WHICH Batman, though.)
Kadrin: I just pretty much permanently assume you're campy 60s TV show Adam West Batman.
ThorneScratch: Dude, not ALWAYS. He doesn't use smokebombs often enough.
Kadrin: But you can't deny your fondness for the fact that, when he DOES throw a smokebomb, it goes "PAF!!!" in colourful writing over the screen.
ThorneScratch: Plus, I like my Robins like I like my coffee-- wearing short green panties.
Kadrin: And, presumably, dead.
ThorneScratch: Nah, I'm not Jim Starlin.
Kadrin: OR ARE YOU
ThorneScratch: READ MY NAMETAG.
Kadrin: I CAN'T, YOU HAVE ROBIN BLOOD ON IT.
ThorneScratch: THAT WAS FROM FRANK MILLER.
Kadrin: HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FRANK MILLER? THE NAMETAG IS AMBIGUOUS.
ThorneScratch: HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY SEEN ME BEAT A HOOKER, PATRICK? THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW I'M NOT FRANK MILLER.
Kadrin: Well, you do keep mentioning dead hookers in the basement, but that might be Louise's fault.
ThorneScratch: The dead goats are mine; the hookers are Louise's. We have a system.
Kadrin: Ah, a system! JUST LIKE FRANK MILLER.
ThorneScratch: NO, GODDAMMIT, I AM NOT A FAN OF THE MADONNA/WHORE COMPLEX.
Kadrin: An excellent point.
ThorneScratch: My version of 300 is also quite different; Xerxes is EVEN MORE GLAM.
Kadrin: Is there a David Bowie-styled dance number?
ThorneScratch: There are THREE sexy dance-offs.
Kadrin: Brilliant. How glam is Leonidas?
ThorneScratch: His chest was at Wax Factor 9. Also, more sequins on the red cape.
Kadrin: Of course!
***
ThorneScratch: My sister in law was bored, and wanted a videogame to try. Can you guess which one I gave her?
Kadrin: Manhunt!
ThorneScratch: Sadly, no. I'll give you a hint. One of her first quotes was "What is that HORRIBLE THING?"
Kadrin: ...Hrmm. "Reno the Turk: the Video Game"?
ThorneScratch: No, but I would totally play that. The goal of the game is to paint phalluses on everything in Midgar, and not die of alcohol poisoning.
Kadrin: So, which game was it?
ThorneScratch: Fear of vaginas.
Kadrin: Ah, yes. Horribleness abounds.
ThorneScratch: It was a cozy domestic scene. I worked on my laptop in the kitchen, listening to her occasionally shriek out, "WHAT! WHAT IS THAT?!" coupled with the sounds of James getting brutally killed every now and then.
Kadrin: Brilliant! I approve entirely.
ThorneScratch: Her main comment so far: "Everything is rather gross." Also, she did not like that James reached into the toilet.
Kadrin: She shall be happy to hear that if you have a Silent Hill 2 save when playing Silent Hill 3, Heather will not only refuse to do so, but will look straight at the player and ask what kind of person would reach in to something so disgusting.
***
ThorneScratch: My best advice for salesmen is to bring someone else and shove them out as a decoy once a salesman catches wind of you! Zack does this with Cloud to Sephiroth all the time, to stay out of trouble.
Squeemu: He'll bring Reno, who is sure to cause enough trouble to distract everyone. Sometimes he brings Reno in a cake.
ThorneScratch: "Excuse me, my cat is on fire," is also a classic excuse. And actually, I have a half-finished fic somewhere where Sephiroth and Tseng are both plotting to get out of a Shinra function, but they're trying to gauge how the other is going to use Zack or Reno as a distraction, and whether they'll cancel each other out or create an even bigger issue. It is a careful game of strategy.
Sometimes, there are also cactuars in the cake.
Squeemu: "And wandering through the apartment, burning everything in its path." That fic sounds amazing. I'm trying to figure out which one would be better at it. I feel like Sephiroth would have more experience, but on the other hand, Tseng would have an awful lot of meetings he would want to get out of.
Sometimes the cactuars have STDs.
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth is better at strategy. But I think Tseng has a slightly stronger weapon in Reno, though Reno is a real wild card. You just never know if he's going to really, completely bring the chaos, or if he's just going to pass out face first in the dip again. It's hard to predict.
Squeemu: That's true. Zack would maybe be more dependable, when used correctly, but he wouldn't do as much damage. Sort of like a sword versus an axe in FF12, which... I'm not sure you ever played? At least when he passes out in the dip you can use the excuse that he needs to be taken to the hospital. No one would believe you, of course, but you could still use it.
ThorneScratch: I live all FF's beyond X vicariously through Twig and Catt, since I am too inept to play them myself. The analogy sounds apt, though! And yes, Rufus just sighs now whenever Tseng excuses himself for Reno-reasons.
Tseng: It's because I'm going to beat him.
Rufus: Fine, but at least take pictures that I can look at later.
Squeemu: They're all so expensive! And really, after I play all of them, I just find myself wanting to replay FFVII. ...I did like FF13 enough to be glad I bought it, though. I'm still a little angry at FF12 for not having enough character-driven plot.
Tseng: I'm taking Tuesday off. It's so I can beat Reno.
ThorneScratch: Catt seemed to really love 13, though again, I haven't played it. All I remember from 12 is that there are apparently airships and pirates and Twig is rewriting the whole thing.
Reno: Can we move my Tuesday beating to Wednesday? I need to buy beer nuts.
Squeemu: For me, FF13 was sort of what I wanted FF12 to be? I'm really excited for Twig's rewrite, although I've really fallen behind on reading what she's posted. Just - the game had so much potential!
Rufus: Just - just take the rest of the week off. Don't forget the pictures. I want multiple copies of the best one.
ThorneScratch: Makes sense to me, not having played either of them!
Eventually, Rufus demands actual video. And Tseng has to burn it to DVD and add addtional sound and lighting effects.
Squeemu: There's an extras section, with a blooper reel (“Shit, that wasn't supposed to catch fire!”) and a director's commentary by Tseng.
ThorneScratch: The whole thing is actually given an awards nomination nod for best documentary, though it loses to the footage that Zack submitted of "Sephiroth and Cloud in the shower."
Squeemu: Zack has actually submitted this five years running and it hasn't lost yet.
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth keeps destroying cameras, but two new ones pop up for every one that he finds.
***
ThorneScratch: You know, it's happened so many times now, that Cloud no longer twitches quite as much when Zack comes in and says "Most of this blood isn't mine."
twigcollins: Cloud: *deep sigh* I'll get the hose.
ThorneScratch: At a staff meeting, Zack also designed a gun that shoots cactuars.
twigcollins: Unfortunately, he forgot that they shoot needles after they are shot. So it's sort of like a shoulder-mounted fragmentation grenade with friendly fire off.
ThorneScratch: Scarlett plans to steal the idea.
twigcollins: Zack's kind of amazed Scarlett hasn't pioneered some nipple-based technologies.
ThorneScratch: I know, right? I rather like Scarlet. She wears an evening dress to weekday staff meetings and builds schematically improbable guns.
twigcollins: Zack was holding out for fembots.
ThorneScratch: Zack: Or Cloudbots. Cloud has nipples.
Sephiroth: *glares*
twigcollins: Zack: You want me to hang a 'reserved' sign?
ThorneScratch: Oh, Sephiroth. Does Not Play Well With Others
twigcollins: Runs with Scissors.
ThorneScratch: Hates Shirts
twigcollins: Man, Zack would put that on a shirt and give it to him.
Sephiroth: ...?
Zack: It's a meta joke.
ThorneScratch: Both meta AND jokes make Sephiroth vaguely uncomfortable.
I feel like a Grinch for neither being touched nor impressed by last night's Glee episode, but most of the active antipathy can be attributed to the fact that "Baby It's Cold Outside" is on my top five of Hated Holiday/Winter Songs, and always provokes a reaction of, Oh my God, you fucking psycho, let her go home already! Are you putting a roofie in her drink?! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
It's, uh, hard to focus. (For the record, I have similarly disproportionate shouting reactions to "Santa Baby", "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause", "Old Parson Brown", and that damn song from the Love Actually film. But I also hate Love Actually, so that may be another case of spillover hate.)
Tonight is the mandatory alcohol-free office staff dinner. Three hours of dipping fondue with people I don’t like, and then I will go home where I am free to drink until I see manatees.
I don't think they really knew how to market this film. It's got too many downers to be a real romantic comedy; it's got too many throwaway gags to work as a drama. I think they initially pushed it as a RomCom, and then they started bringing out the trailers with the more serious bits-all the weeping and wailing and "You need someone to take care of you!" shouts-and then swung back to the "Hey, you get to see Anne Hathaway's tits!" angle. I think this pushed more people away than it brought in; the audience was divided but not really conquered. (Also, uh, I could totally get down with Viagra-fueled hatesex between Trey Hannigan and Jamie Randall. It would be hot and hilarious. Boner-duels.)
At any rate. Like I said, I actually found this more interesting because I often get to sit back and watch various pharmaceutical groups try to woo doctors; I also get to watch our own group try to woo the companies back into giving us grants. This can start with outright lies and dinners at classy restaurants, eventually it escalates and suddenly you’re sitting there watching the guy from Company A hire Amazonian "lab assistants" with DD chests to parade around and talk to certain doctors, while the lady from Company B is firing back by buying rounds and rounds of mojitos for the docs in the lounge, and eventually the dour CME official comes and breaks it up.
I had to take a course on CME, very similar to a previous sexual harassment course with similar epic fail results. No one should let me do anything that has anything to do with maintaining a medical license. I have a bribery record.
In conclusion, I apologize for being very boring lately. Links and AIM, since I've only been half-heartedly finishing the fic.
Sex Advice from Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pontius. While normally, I would run in the opposite direction of something involving the Jackass guys giving advice on anything remotely sexual, they actually manage to be rather funny! As well as potentially coining "the Allen Ginsburg" as a style of pubic grooming.
What the Fuck Has Obama Done So Far? Sometimes, after the news is particularly depressing, I sit and click on this site repeatedly.
The Most Ridiculous Beer Names Of All Time. Courtesy of twigcollins. I am not quite as susceptible to amazingly bizarre beer names as I am to amazingly bizarre wine labels, but I'm willing to experiment.
10 Absolutely Forbidden Thanksgiving Foods. Meant to post this link last month and forgot. Probably for the best, as the ideas of gravy pizza and creamed candy corn (okay, that is going TOO FAR with Halloween candy recycling) can clog your arteries just by thinking about them.
Jake Gyllenhaal sings the 'Sarah Palin Song' with Jimmy Fallon: The 29-year-old actor joined the yellow-clad group, The Banana Boyz, to help Jimmy sing his new song, "Gonna Eat That Talkin’ Sandwich: The Sarah Palin Song." Jake and I are currently having creative differences and a trial separation because of the whole Taylor Swift thing, but my heart is easily softened by songs about talking sandwiches.
The battle for the best Bollywood item song and dance of 2010 - Munni Badnaam vs. Sheila Ki Jaawani. I like Bollywood musical numbers. It is a thing. For some reason, I can tolerate sudden enormous musical numbers much better when I don't actually understand the language, everyone is in sparkly outfits, and they're not taking place in high schools. (For the record, I'm with Munni Badnaam.)
Russell Brand on Helen Mirren, Diddy, David Lynch, Morrissey, and Pretty Much Everything Else. I feel like this must have been a fun interview to sit in on, though it loses something when the artilce is just a compilation of funny things Russell Brand must have said, slightly out of context now. But I can totally see the Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs elevator thing happening.
French library finds Leonardo da Vinci manuscript: A coded manuscript by Leonardo da Vinci has been discovered in a public library in the French city of Nantes. Expect Dan Brown to write a book about it any day now.
Swiss Door From 5,000 Years Ago Discovered By Archaeologists. Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have unearthed a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. Cool. (Dan Brown may also write a book about this.)
In Her Defense, I'm Sure the Moose Had It Coming. Aaron Sorkin's response to Sarah Palin killing a caribou moose for her reality show. I love you, Aaron. I would never plant crack on you in an airport.
I wonder if it is still accurate to call it "AIM conversation" when it is now more like "Reformated G-Chat Excerpts From Three in the Morning." Semantics, and all.
ThorneScratch: Oh man. The German cardiologist guy I work with just sent me pictures of his vacation. Not only is his family incredibly blond and athletic and good looking, they're all hiking, like, everywhere. They make me feel very American. They look very efficient and dynamic, whereas I right now have a container of leftover buttercream frosting next to me that I am eating for lunch.
THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
twigcollins: Ironically, I have German ancestry.
ThorneScratch: Does it fight with your Polish ancestry?
twigcollins: Ha, Polish ancestry doesn't fight. It just hunkers down and hopes no one notices it. "Oh God, not again."
ThorneScratch: "Hand me a paczki."
***
twigcollins: http://www.boingboing.net/201010181029.jpg
ThorneScratch: CHEWED TO BITS BY GIANT TURTLES.
...though in all accuracy, those look like normal sized turtles?
twigcollins: I was just about to say!
ThorneScratch: I mean, the turtle is not usually known for its lightning attack. Unless they are teenage, mutant, or ninja.
twigcollins: There's more.
ThorneScratch: Oh my God. This is awesome. WE FOUND THE PAIUTE GOLD.
(IT WAS BEHIND THE COUCH.)
twigcollins: Here's the link to the whole series.
ThorneScratch: I wonder why they chose to end the Mean Monkey Monday series with turtles. It seems like an abrupt thematic departure.
twigcollins: Sometimes you have to break a paradigm
ThorneScratch: With turtles, apparently. Giant ones. (Or standard, it's cool.)
twigcollins: Maybe they're giant compared to other forms of homicidal turtle.
***
ThorneScratch: You're just jealous you don't have bread.
Kadrin: You're just jealous you don't have... a head.
ThorneScratch: I have THREE.
Kadrin: How many are yours? Like, naturally yours, not in a paper bag with your name on it.
ThorneScratch: ...I stand on the fifth amendment.
Kadrin: Yeah, the Supreme Court told me that I should talk to you about that. You're getting footprints all over the right not to quarter soldiers in your own domicile.
ThorneScratch: Soldiers always make a mess!
Kadrin: That's why you don't NEED to quarter them on the Bill of Rights. And here's you quartering everything everywhere, WITHOUT EVEN TAKING OFF YOUR DIRTY SHOES.
ThorneScratch: ...I get cold feet otherwise.
Kadrin: Yeah. Also the burning.
ThorneScratch: I take the fifth again.
Kadrin: Seriously, give it back.
ThorneScratch: NO IT'S MINE.
Kadrin: JEFFERSON IS FURIOUS WITH YOU NOW
ThorneScratch: JEFFERSON HAD ISSUES.
Kadrin: HE DID, UNTIL YOU STOLE THEM ALL.
ThorneScratch: WELL THEY SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN ME TO BE ON THE NICKEL INSTEAD.
Kadrin: BE SATISFIED WITH THE TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR NOTE.
ThorneScratch: BUT THEY DIDN'T USE MY GOOD SIDE.
Kadrin: THEY USED ALL ANGLES OF YOU, CRUSHING A MODEL CITY.
ThorneScratch: GOOD TIMES, PATRICK. GOOD TIMES.
Kadrin: Today I watched Monsters vs Aliens again.
ThorneScratch: Was it good? I never saw it.
Kadrin: It was! It was very good. I enjoyed it. It was cheerful and fun and had good female role models.
ThorneScratch: Up is still my favorite animated movie of the year.
Kadrin: You're just a fool for oversized birds.
ThorneScratch: I really am! Plus, the kid reminds me of my Tiny Cousins.
Kadrin: Regardless, you should not let them fly to South America with strange older men; it rarely ends as well as it did in the movie.
ThorneScratch: They might get a free dog out of it, though.
Kadrin: "It is funny because the squirrel gets dead."
ThorneScratch: "I was hiding under your porch because I love you." Which is an excuse I use with the police all the time.
Kadrin: How frequently does it work?
ThorneScratch: It's why I have to stand on the fifth all the time.
Kadrin: It's just making 'em madder, Thorne.
ThorneScratch: Well, they're all bastards anyway.
***
Kadrin: I am back.
ThorneScratch: Maybe it is your evil twin.
Kadrin: I thought I WAS the evil twin.
ThorneScratch: Well, then your twin also grew a beard and the breakdown is that I really just need to make you guys wear nametags.
Kadrin: We're twins, though, so OBVIOUSLY we have the same name.
ThorneScratch: ...FOILED AGAIN.
Kadrin: You'll get me next time, Gadget. Next time.
ThorneScratch: I thought I was Slylock Fox.
Kadrin: I don't keep track of which cartoon detective you are from day to day.
ThorneScratch: Well, if you agreed to take part in the nametag system, maybe you WOULD.
Kadrin: So you're saying, in exchange for me and my good twin wearing (identical) nametages, you would wear nametags suggesting whether or not you're Batman today.
ThorneScratch: YES. (I would not specify WHICH Batman, though.)
Kadrin: I just pretty much permanently assume you're campy 60s TV show Adam West Batman.
ThorneScratch: Dude, not ALWAYS. He doesn't use smokebombs often enough.
Kadrin: But you can't deny your fondness for the fact that, when he DOES throw a smokebomb, it goes "PAF!!!" in colourful writing over the screen.
ThorneScratch: Plus, I like my Robins like I like my coffee-- wearing short green panties.
Kadrin: And, presumably, dead.
ThorneScratch: Nah, I'm not Jim Starlin.
Kadrin: OR ARE YOU
ThorneScratch: READ MY NAMETAG.
Kadrin: I CAN'T, YOU HAVE ROBIN BLOOD ON IT.
ThorneScratch: THAT WAS FROM FRANK MILLER.
Kadrin: HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FRANK MILLER? THE NAMETAG IS AMBIGUOUS.
ThorneScratch: HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY SEEN ME BEAT A HOOKER, PATRICK? THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW I'M NOT FRANK MILLER.
Kadrin: Well, you do keep mentioning dead hookers in the basement, but that might be Louise's fault.
ThorneScratch: The dead goats are mine; the hookers are Louise's. We have a system.
Kadrin: Ah, a system! JUST LIKE FRANK MILLER.
ThorneScratch: NO, GODDAMMIT, I AM NOT A FAN OF THE MADONNA/WHORE COMPLEX.
Kadrin: An excellent point.
ThorneScratch: My version of 300 is also quite different; Xerxes is EVEN MORE GLAM.
Kadrin: Is there a David Bowie-styled dance number?
ThorneScratch: There are THREE sexy dance-offs.
Kadrin: Brilliant. How glam is Leonidas?
ThorneScratch: His chest was at Wax Factor 9. Also, more sequins on the red cape.
Kadrin: Of course!
***
ThorneScratch: My sister in law was bored, and wanted a videogame to try. Can you guess which one I gave her?
Kadrin: Manhunt!
ThorneScratch: Sadly, no. I'll give you a hint. One of her first quotes was "What is that HORRIBLE THING?"
Kadrin: ...Hrmm. "Reno the Turk: the Video Game"?
ThorneScratch: No, but I would totally play that. The goal of the game is to paint phalluses on everything in Midgar, and not die of alcohol poisoning.
Kadrin: So, which game was it?
ThorneScratch: Fear of vaginas.
Kadrin: Ah, yes. Horribleness abounds.
ThorneScratch: It was a cozy domestic scene. I worked on my laptop in the kitchen, listening to her occasionally shriek out, "WHAT! WHAT IS THAT?!" coupled with the sounds of James getting brutally killed every now and then.
Kadrin: Brilliant! I approve entirely.
ThorneScratch: Her main comment so far: "Everything is rather gross." Also, she did not like that James reached into the toilet.
Kadrin: She shall be happy to hear that if you have a Silent Hill 2 save when playing Silent Hill 3, Heather will not only refuse to do so, but will look straight at the player and ask what kind of person would reach in to something so disgusting.
***
ThorneScratch: My best advice for salesmen is to bring someone else and shove them out as a decoy once a salesman catches wind of you! Zack does this with Cloud to Sephiroth all the time, to stay out of trouble.
Squeemu: He'll bring Reno, who is sure to cause enough trouble to distract everyone. Sometimes he brings Reno in a cake.
ThorneScratch: "Excuse me, my cat is on fire," is also a classic excuse. And actually, I have a half-finished fic somewhere where Sephiroth and Tseng are both plotting to get out of a Shinra function, but they're trying to gauge how the other is going to use Zack or Reno as a distraction, and whether they'll cancel each other out or create an even bigger issue. It is a careful game of strategy.
Sometimes, there are also cactuars in the cake.
Squeemu: "And wandering through the apartment, burning everything in its path." That fic sounds amazing. I'm trying to figure out which one would be better at it. I feel like Sephiroth would have more experience, but on the other hand, Tseng would have an awful lot of meetings he would want to get out of.
Sometimes the cactuars have STDs.
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth is better at strategy. But I think Tseng has a slightly stronger weapon in Reno, though Reno is a real wild card. You just never know if he's going to really, completely bring the chaos, or if he's just going to pass out face first in the dip again. It's hard to predict.
Squeemu: That's true. Zack would maybe be more dependable, when used correctly, but he wouldn't do as much damage. Sort of like a sword versus an axe in FF12, which... I'm not sure you ever played? At least when he passes out in the dip you can use the excuse that he needs to be taken to the hospital. No one would believe you, of course, but you could still use it.
ThorneScratch: I live all FF's beyond X vicariously through Twig and Catt, since I am too inept to play them myself. The analogy sounds apt, though! And yes, Rufus just sighs now whenever Tseng excuses himself for Reno-reasons.
Tseng: It's because I'm going to beat him.
Rufus: Fine, but at least take pictures that I can look at later.
Squeemu: They're all so expensive! And really, after I play all of them, I just find myself wanting to replay FFVII. ...I did like FF13 enough to be glad I bought it, though. I'm still a little angry at FF12 for not having enough character-driven plot.
Tseng: I'm taking Tuesday off. It's so I can beat Reno.
ThorneScratch: Catt seemed to really love 13, though again, I haven't played it. All I remember from 12 is that there are apparently airships and pirates and Twig is rewriting the whole thing.
Reno: Can we move my Tuesday beating to Wednesday? I need to buy beer nuts.
Squeemu: For me, FF13 was sort of what I wanted FF12 to be? I'm really excited for Twig's rewrite, although I've really fallen behind on reading what she's posted. Just - the game had so much potential!
Rufus: Just - just take the rest of the week off. Don't forget the pictures. I want multiple copies of the best one.
ThorneScratch: Makes sense to me, not having played either of them!
Eventually, Rufus demands actual video. And Tseng has to burn it to DVD and add addtional sound and lighting effects.
Squeemu: There's an extras section, with a blooper reel (“Shit, that wasn't supposed to catch fire!”) and a director's commentary by Tseng.
ThorneScratch: The whole thing is actually given an awards nomination nod for best documentary, though it loses to the footage that Zack submitted of "Sephiroth and Cloud in the shower."
Squeemu: Zack has actually submitted this five years running and it hasn't lost yet.
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth keeps destroying cameras, but two new ones pop up for every one that he finds.
***
ThorneScratch: You know, it's happened so many times now, that Cloud no longer twitches quite as much when Zack comes in and says "Most of this blood isn't mine."
twigcollins: Cloud: *deep sigh* I'll get the hose.
ThorneScratch: At a staff meeting, Zack also designed a gun that shoots cactuars.
twigcollins: Unfortunately, he forgot that they shoot needles after they are shot. So it's sort of like a shoulder-mounted fragmentation grenade with friendly fire off.
ThorneScratch: Scarlett plans to steal the idea.
twigcollins: Zack's kind of amazed Scarlett hasn't pioneered some nipple-based technologies.
ThorneScratch: I know, right? I rather like Scarlet. She wears an evening dress to weekday staff meetings and builds schematically improbable guns.
twigcollins: Zack was holding out for fembots.
ThorneScratch: Zack: Or Cloudbots. Cloud has nipples.
Sephiroth: *glares*
twigcollins: Zack: You want me to hang a 'reserved' sign?
ThorneScratch: Oh, Sephiroth. Does Not Play Well With Others
twigcollins: Runs with Scissors.
ThorneScratch: Hates Shirts
twigcollins: Man, Zack would put that on a shirt and give it to him.
Sephiroth: ...?
Zack: It's a meta joke.
ThorneScratch: Both meta AND jokes make Sephiroth vaguely uncomfortable.
I feel like a Grinch for neither being touched nor impressed by last night's Glee episode, but most of the active antipathy can be attributed to the fact that "Baby It's Cold Outside" is on my top five of Hated Holiday/Winter Songs, and always provokes a reaction of, Oh my God, you fucking psycho, let her go home already! Are you putting a roofie in her drink?! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
It's, uh, hard to focus. (For the record, I have similarly disproportionate shouting reactions to "Santa Baby", "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause", "Old Parson Brown", and that damn song from the Love Actually film. But I also hate Love Actually, so that may be another case of spillover hate.)
Tonight is the mandatory alcohol-free office staff dinner. Three hours of dipping fondue with people I don’t like, and then I will go home where I am free to drink until I see manatees.