Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun
Sweet merciful Jeebus, it's flidgetjerome's birthday!
I'm nearly positive I met Flidget through Twig, or possibly Lunar. From day one, whenever that was, I've thought of her as nothing but awesome. She can draw and write, which I always feel should be vaguely illegal somehow. She provides comics, comic crack, and crack. She is a partaker of the love that dare not speak its name, by which I mean, dolphins.
She is way cooler than Julius Caesar. She's even cooler than a toga run. She is on par with this.
I don't get to talk to Flidget half as often as I would like, separated as I am from her by time zones and a great horkin' lot of ocean. This has not stopped me from petitioning to be in her vast love harem, or from somehow engaging my college roommate to her with empty promises of a hefty dowry. But anyway, I wish her the happiest of birthdays and a wonderful year and a gratuitous cockpunch to Marvel comics! Rock on, Flidget, and uh, get back to me on the love harem thing?
Music post coming soon, so all the songs from the previous one will come down shortly. I'm trying to get a lot done before the big work conference next week; New Orleans, here I come. In the meantime--
I saw Zodiac. I think it's a well-made movie, with lots of good acting-- all three male leads do a good job. But I don't think I would see it again, because a lot of the appeal is rooted in the unraveling whodunnit-thriller aspect of it, but it was still a positive experience.
I think it's best going into the movie with not a single bit of background knowledge about the real life case, because you can enjoy the suspense. (I did have to keep myself from yelling at the movie screen at times. "NO, JAKE! DON'T FOLLOW HIM INTO THE DARK BASEMENT WITH YOUR EARNEST-YOUNG-BOYSCOUT FACE! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SINGLE SCENARIO WHERE THIS SORT OF THING TURNS OUT WELL?! RUN FOR IT, BOY!" Fortunately, I knew he had to survive it. But it makes me wonder, how many crimes take place because we are too polite to extract ourselves from what is terribly and obviously a dangerous or shifty situation? Weird what we'll go through because we don't want to seem rude.)
As long as we're talking about things that involve Jake Gyllenhaal:
ThorneScratch: http://www.boomspeed.com/thorne/random-jake.jpg
ThorneScratch: Dude. What the hell is he doing? Is there a midget in that trash can that he's talking to? Oscar the Grouch? They both saw a quarter and they're trying to decide to pick it up or not? Why is his hand down the front of his pants?
twigcollins: ...
ThorneScratch: Is that someone stealing a hubcap in the lower right corner?
ThorneScratch: There's too much going on in this picture.
twigcollins: I need some sort of map of the play-by-play. With arrows, like in football.
ThorneScratch: It's just.... confusing. There was too much turnover. I don't know if someone got fouled.
twigcollins: Too many players on the field.
Finally, some commentary because I typed it up long ago and want to get it out of my "to blog" list.
Commentary from Season 5, Episode “Impotence”
TOM FONTANA: Talk a little about how you got the part on Oz.
DEAN WINTERS: Ah… I was in a bar, and you basically said, "If you come into the bathroom and go down on me," that you would write me a part. So, you know, simple as that.
TOM FONTANA: *dubiously* …I don't remember that part. I remember the bar…
***
[Onscreen: The narrator of the show, Augustus Hill, played by Harold Perrineau, is sitting inside a giant glass box, talking about the statistics of impotence within men. All scenes that take place in “The Box” are a form of breaking the fourth wall, and usually include something extremely wacky and/or surreal that relates to the theme of the episode or the topic of discussion, including but not limited to Chris Meloni in a bra and panties, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje dressed up as Batman, and Lee Tergesen as a piece of Greek statuary.]
Augustus Hill: Here are some scary facts about impotence. 10 to 20 million Americans suffer from it. 85% due to physical causes not related to the penis. 10% suffer because of physiological reason. And scariest of all, for 5% of men who are impotent, the cause is unknown.
TOM FONTANA: *reminiscing* I remember Alex's [the episode’s director] big idea for the box scenes in this episode--
DEAN WINTERS: Was everybody naked.
TOM FONTANA: --well, was only penises. He wanted to have us build, like, six foot tall penises.
DEAN WINTERS: I think Alex needs some therapy.
TOM FONTANA: I said to him, “I get in enough trouble with this show without building six foot penises.”
***
[Onscreen: Long-time enemies Miguel Alvarez, played by Kirk Acevedo, and Carmen Guerra, played by Otto Sanchez, are snarling at each other in Spanish while standing in line for daily count]
TOM FONTANA: *curious* Kirk and Otto actually hang out together, don't they?
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah. They're lovers.
TOM FONTANA: *dryly* That's funny, because Otto just got married.
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah. It's complicated.
***
[Onscreen: Whenever a new character comes on the show, you get a flashback to whatever crime they did to land them in there. Flashback to the crime of a new prisoner entering the system, in this case, Wolfgang Cutler. A struggling man is buried in the ground up to his neck, with only his head sticking out. Nearby, a gang of bikers cheer and rev their engines. Cutler revs his engine, speeds forward, and drives over the man’s head, killing him.]
TOM FONTANA: *bemused* I don't know why I thought of that. I see it now and I go, "What the hell was I thinking about?
DEAN WINTERS: That was a good one, actually.
TOM FONTANA: *still rambling* It must have been 5:30 in the morning when I first got up and I was hung-over and saying, "I know. I'll dig a hole, stick a guy in there, and have a motorcycle drive over his head."
***
[On reviving an older storyline on the show that had been previously shot and then left out of the episodes]
TOM FONTANA: This was another scene that we shot a year before--
DEAN WINTERS: This was on the old set?
TOM FONTANA: This was on the old set. What was funny was when I went back to re-edit this scene, there were a number of people who were in Emerald City and had died since we shot it. So mostly I cut around all the dead people, that's how I did this.
DEAN WINTERS: That's funny.
TOM FONTANA: I notice you weren't in that scene.
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah, I think I was in my trailer, shooting up with a bunch of hookers… Nah. *pauses* I was in the producer's office with a bunch of hookers.
***
DEAN WINTERS: This is like being on a bad teacup ride.
***
[Onscreen: Beecher is talking to his mother in the prison’s visiting room. She is talking about the recent death of another inmate who was the son of a family friend, an event that Beecher is indirectly responsible for. She trails off and the camera goes close-up on Beecher, thinking about what to say in response.]
TOM FONTANA: He looks like he's thinking, "Do I have a line here?"
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah, either that or, "Did I leave the stove on?"
***
[Onscreen: Chris Keller has just returned from his trial and is being herded into a holding cell.]
TOM FONTANA: Chris Meloni--
DEAN WINTERS: Something tells me he’s going to be naked soon. Call me crazy.
TOM FONTANA: *laughs* --coming back from his trial.
[The dialogue from the scene they are commenting on overlaps. Sister Pete, the prison nun played by Rita Moreno, has come to check on Chris Keller in protective custody holding.]
Sister Pete: Chris... How'd the trial go?
Chris Keller: Fantastic. A jury of my peers found me guilty of murder in the first degree.
Sister Pete: Oh, God.
Keller: And my idiot lawyer is going to appeal, but he doesn't hold out much hope. I go back...Thursday, to the courthouse for sentencing, and more than likely, I'll get the death penalty.
DEAN WINTERS: Ahhh. *chants West Side Story “A Boy Like That” lyrics* A boy like that who'd kill your brother, forget that boy and find another~!
TOM FONTANA: *chuckles dubiously* I don’t think you can sing on this, they have to pay for that.
DEAN WINTERS: *indignantly* I didn’t sing.
TOM FONTANA: So who were you telling?
[scene continues. Onscreen, Keller has just stripped naked out of his transportation clothing and given Sister Pete a full frontal view of his rod and tackle]
Sister Pete: Well, I'll do ev-- *flinches at the full frontal* I'll do everything I can to help.
Chris Keller: *shrugs* Show me your tits.
Sister Pete: Don't do that.
TOM FONTANA: *thoughtfully* You know, the great thing about Rita is, she’d already seen his penis sixteen times before. And she reacted every time.
Chris Keller: I'm sorry. I guess I'm in a bad mood. It's not every day you get sentenced to death.
TOM FONTANA: Wait, did his penis just get larger? From the previous cut?
DEAN WINTERS: Who’s fluffing?
TOM FONTANA: Who was the fluffer that day? Was it you or was it Lee [Tergesen]?
DEAN WINTERS: Nah, it was Rita.
TOM FONTANA: Oh, it was Rita.
Chris Keller: Weird, all these years my penis has dominated my life, forced me to go in whatever direction 'it' chose. Now I want to share my love with someone... And I never will.
***
[Onscreen: The inmates are watching the news on television. Keller’s conviction and death sentence are announced. Beecher reacts, and gets out of his chair. The Muslim leader, Kareem Said, played by Eamonn Walker, follows him as they leave the common area and walk up the stairs to the upper levels of the Em City unit.]
Beecher: Fuck. I have to go see him.
Said: May I remind you of your promise to yourself never to speak to Keller again?
Beecher: Yeah. Well, the great thing about breaking a promise to yourself is only one person gets hurt, and I can live with my guilt a shitload easier then I can live without ever seeing Keller again.
TOM FONTANA: Now, what I don't quite understand is that he says, "I got to go see him--"
DEAN WINTERS: Right.
TOM FONTANA: *confused* So he's… going up the stairs? Where is he going? There's nowhere!
DEAN WINTERS: *confidentially* He's got a picture of him in his cell.
***
[Onscreen, Tobias Beecher, is walking down a prison hallway and delivering mail.]
Tobias Beecher: *rolling a mail cart past a guard* Hey, how you doing?
TOM FONTANA: This is Lee, playing excited. *puts on a girly voice* “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m gonna get to see Keller!”
DEAN WINTERS: *begins humming the “Summer Nights” beat from Grease* Dun, dah-dun, dah-dun, da-na-na, da-dun… *breaks up laughing*
TOM FONTANA: *vaguely amused and annoyed* You know…
[Onscreen, Tobias Beecher stares at Chris Keller’s back through the bars of Keller’s jail cell.]
Tobias Beecher: Chris…
DEAN WINTERS: *softly sings* Summer lovin’, had me a blast…
TOM FONTANA: *sadly* See, now, they can’t use that. They’re gonna have to pay John Travolta or somebody for that.
DEAN WINTERS: *scoffing* Nah, they’re not.
[Onscreen, Chris Keller turns around to see Beecher pressed against his cell bars.]
Tobias Beecher: *smiles* You got mail.
Chris Keller: *smiles back, moves to embrace him*
DEAN WINTERS: *starts humming again* Dun, dah-dun, dah-dun… *laughs*
TOM FONTANA: *laughs* The funny thing was, people were so pissed at me this whole season because these two [Keller and Beecher] didn’t have any scenes together.
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah?
TOM FONTANA: *philosophically* And I said, “Well, what’re you gonna do?”
[Onscreen, Chris Keller and Tobias Beecher are kissing through the bars of Keller’s jail cell. It goes on for some time.]
TOM FONTANA: *curious* You know how much they practiced this?
DEAN WINTERS: A lot.
[Onscreen, more kissing]
DEAN WINTERS: *crooning more “Summer Nights” lyrics* We made out under the dock… *snickers*
Dear aspiring writers of the world,
It is within your right to use the words "[color] orbs" to describe the eyes of your lovingly written snugglebunny, even if it would be much better to just say "eyes." However, you do not get to also use the word "orbs" while describing testicles, especially not when one usage occurs within two paragraphs of the other. Please pick one anatomical point to gift this word to, in order to avoid future confusion and reading whiplash.
Yrs,
Humble Reader
PS: In particular, please don't do this when the color of said eye orbs is cerulean, azure, sapphire, or any other blue shade. This is counterproductive to your PWP when accidentally applied to testicles.
I'm nearly positive I met Flidget through Twig, or possibly Lunar. From day one, whenever that was, I've thought of her as nothing but awesome. She can draw and write, which I always feel should be vaguely illegal somehow. She provides comics, comic crack, and crack. She is a partaker of the love that dare not speak its name, by which I mean, dolphins.
She is way cooler than Julius Caesar. She's even cooler than a toga run. She is on par with this.
I don't get to talk to Flidget half as often as I would like, separated as I am from her by time zones and a great horkin' lot of ocean. This has not stopped me from petitioning to be in her vast love harem, or from somehow engaging my college roommate to her with empty promises of a hefty dowry. But anyway, I wish her the happiest of birthdays and a wonderful year and a gratuitous cockpunch to Marvel comics! Rock on, Flidget, and uh, get back to me on the love harem thing?
Music post coming soon, so all the songs from the previous one will come down shortly. I'm trying to get a lot done before the big work conference next week; New Orleans, here I come. In the meantime--
I saw Zodiac. I think it's a well-made movie, with lots of good acting-- all three male leads do a good job. But I don't think I would see it again, because a lot of the appeal is rooted in the unraveling whodunnit-thriller aspect of it, but it was still a positive experience.
I think it's best going into the movie with not a single bit of background knowledge about the real life case, because you can enjoy the suspense. (I did have to keep myself from yelling at the movie screen at times. "NO, JAKE! DON'T FOLLOW HIM INTO THE DARK BASEMENT WITH YOUR EARNEST-YOUNG-BOYSCOUT FACE! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SINGLE SCENARIO WHERE THIS SORT OF THING TURNS OUT WELL?! RUN FOR IT, BOY!" Fortunately, I knew he had to survive it. But it makes me wonder, how many crimes take place because we are too polite to extract ourselves from what is terribly and obviously a dangerous or shifty situation? Weird what we'll go through because we don't want to seem rude.)
As long as we're talking about things that involve Jake Gyllenhaal:
ThorneScratch: http://www.boomspeed.com/thorne/random-jake.jpg
ThorneScratch: Dude. What the hell is he doing? Is there a midget in that trash can that he's talking to? Oscar the Grouch? They both saw a quarter and they're trying to decide to pick it up or not? Why is his hand down the front of his pants?
twigcollins: ...
ThorneScratch: Is that someone stealing a hubcap in the lower right corner?
ThorneScratch: There's too much going on in this picture.
twigcollins: I need some sort of map of the play-by-play. With arrows, like in football.
ThorneScratch: It's just.... confusing. There was too much turnover. I don't know if someone got fouled.
twigcollins: Too many players on the field.
Finally, some commentary because I typed it up long ago and want to get it out of my "to blog" list.
Commentary from Season 5, Episode “Impotence”
TOM FONTANA: Talk a little about how you got the part on Oz.
DEAN WINTERS: Ah… I was in a bar, and you basically said, "If you come into the bathroom and go down on me," that you would write me a part. So, you know, simple as that.
TOM FONTANA: *dubiously* …I don't remember that part. I remember the bar…
***
[Onscreen: The narrator of the show, Augustus Hill, played by Harold Perrineau, is sitting inside a giant glass box, talking about the statistics of impotence within men. All scenes that take place in “The Box” are a form of breaking the fourth wall, and usually include something extremely wacky and/or surreal that relates to the theme of the episode or the topic of discussion, including but not limited to Chris Meloni in a bra and panties, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje dressed up as Batman, and Lee Tergesen as a piece of Greek statuary.]
Augustus Hill: Here are some scary facts about impotence. 10 to 20 million Americans suffer from it. 85% due to physical causes not related to the penis. 10% suffer because of physiological reason. And scariest of all, for 5% of men who are impotent, the cause is unknown.
TOM FONTANA: *reminiscing* I remember Alex's [the episode’s director] big idea for the box scenes in this episode--
DEAN WINTERS: Was everybody naked.
TOM FONTANA: --well, was only penises. He wanted to have us build, like, six foot tall penises.
DEAN WINTERS: I think Alex needs some therapy.
TOM FONTANA: I said to him, “I get in enough trouble with this show without building six foot penises.”
***
[Onscreen: Long-time enemies Miguel Alvarez, played by Kirk Acevedo, and Carmen Guerra, played by Otto Sanchez, are snarling at each other in Spanish while standing in line for daily count]
TOM FONTANA: *curious* Kirk and Otto actually hang out together, don't they?
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah. They're lovers.
TOM FONTANA: *dryly* That's funny, because Otto just got married.
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah. It's complicated.
***
[Onscreen: Whenever a new character comes on the show, you get a flashback to whatever crime they did to land them in there. Flashback to the crime of a new prisoner entering the system, in this case, Wolfgang Cutler. A struggling man is buried in the ground up to his neck, with only his head sticking out. Nearby, a gang of bikers cheer and rev their engines. Cutler revs his engine, speeds forward, and drives over the man’s head, killing him.]
TOM FONTANA: *bemused* I don't know why I thought of that. I see it now and I go, "What the hell was I thinking about?
DEAN WINTERS: That was a good one, actually.
TOM FONTANA: *still rambling* It must have been 5:30 in the morning when I first got up and I was hung-over and saying, "I know. I'll dig a hole, stick a guy in there, and have a motorcycle drive over his head."
***
[On reviving an older storyline on the show that had been previously shot and then left out of the episodes]
TOM FONTANA: This was another scene that we shot a year before--
DEAN WINTERS: This was on the old set?
TOM FONTANA: This was on the old set. What was funny was when I went back to re-edit this scene, there were a number of people who were in Emerald City and had died since we shot it. So mostly I cut around all the dead people, that's how I did this.
DEAN WINTERS: That's funny.
TOM FONTANA: I notice you weren't in that scene.
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah, I think I was in my trailer, shooting up with a bunch of hookers… Nah. *pauses* I was in the producer's office with a bunch of hookers.
***
DEAN WINTERS: This is like being on a bad teacup ride.
***
[Onscreen: Beecher is talking to his mother in the prison’s visiting room. She is talking about the recent death of another inmate who was the son of a family friend, an event that Beecher is indirectly responsible for. She trails off and the camera goes close-up on Beecher, thinking about what to say in response.]
TOM FONTANA: He looks like he's thinking, "Do I have a line here?"
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah, either that or, "Did I leave the stove on?"
***
[Onscreen: Chris Keller has just returned from his trial and is being herded into a holding cell.]
TOM FONTANA: Chris Meloni--
DEAN WINTERS: Something tells me he’s going to be naked soon. Call me crazy.
TOM FONTANA: *laughs* --coming back from his trial.
[The dialogue from the scene they are commenting on overlaps. Sister Pete, the prison nun played by Rita Moreno, has come to check on Chris Keller in protective custody holding.]
Sister Pete: Chris... How'd the trial go?
Chris Keller: Fantastic. A jury of my peers found me guilty of murder in the first degree.
Sister Pete: Oh, God.
Keller: And my idiot lawyer is going to appeal, but he doesn't hold out much hope. I go back...Thursday, to the courthouse for sentencing, and more than likely, I'll get the death penalty.
DEAN WINTERS: Ahhh. *chants West Side Story “A Boy Like That” lyrics* A boy like that who'd kill your brother, forget that boy and find another~!
TOM FONTANA: *chuckles dubiously* I don’t think you can sing on this, they have to pay for that.
DEAN WINTERS: *indignantly* I didn’t sing.
TOM FONTANA: So who were you telling?
[scene continues. Onscreen, Keller has just stripped naked out of his transportation clothing and given Sister Pete a full frontal view of his rod and tackle]
Sister Pete: Well, I'll do ev-- *flinches at the full frontal* I'll do everything I can to help.
Chris Keller: *shrugs* Show me your tits.
Sister Pete: Don't do that.
TOM FONTANA: *thoughtfully* You know, the great thing about Rita is, she’d already seen his penis sixteen times before. And she reacted every time.
Chris Keller: I'm sorry. I guess I'm in a bad mood. It's not every day you get sentenced to death.
TOM FONTANA: Wait, did his penis just get larger? From the previous cut?
DEAN WINTERS: Who’s fluffing?
TOM FONTANA: Who was the fluffer that day? Was it you or was it Lee [Tergesen]?
DEAN WINTERS: Nah, it was Rita.
TOM FONTANA: Oh, it was Rita.
Chris Keller: Weird, all these years my penis has dominated my life, forced me to go in whatever direction 'it' chose. Now I want to share my love with someone... And I never will.
***
[Onscreen: The inmates are watching the news on television. Keller’s conviction and death sentence are announced. Beecher reacts, and gets out of his chair. The Muslim leader, Kareem Said, played by Eamonn Walker, follows him as they leave the common area and walk up the stairs to the upper levels of the Em City unit.]
Beecher: Fuck. I have to go see him.
Said: May I remind you of your promise to yourself never to speak to Keller again?
Beecher: Yeah. Well, the great thing about breaking a promise to yourself is only one person gets hurt, and I can live with my guilt a shitload easier then I can live without ever seeing Keller again.
TOM FONTANA: Now, what I don't quite understand is that he says, "I got to go see him--"
DEAN WINTERS: Right.
TOM FONTANA: *confused* So he's… going up the stairs? Where is he going? There's nowhere!
DEAN WINTERS: *confidentially* He's got a picture of him in his cell.
***
[Onscreen, Tobias Beecher, is walking down a prison hallway and delivering mail.]
Tobias Beecher: *rolling a mail cart past a guard* Hey, how you doing?
TOM FONTANA: This is Lee, playing excited. *puts on a girly voice* “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m gonna get to see Keller!”
DEAN WINTERS: *begins humming the “Summer Nights” beat from Grease* Dun, dah-dun, dah-dun, da-na-na, da-dun… *breaks up laughing*
TOM FONTANA: *vaguely amused and annoyed* You know…
[Onscreen, Tobias Beecher stares at Chris Keller’s back through the bars of Keller’s jail cell.]
Tobias Beecher: Chris…
DEAN WINTERS: *softly sings* Summer lovin’, had me a blast…
TOM FONTANA: *sadly* See, now, they can’t use that. They’re gonna have to pay John Travolta or somebody for that.
DEAN WINTERS: *scoffing* Nah, they’re not.
[Onscreen, Chris Keller turns around to see Beecher pressed against his cell bars.]
Tobias Beecher: *smiles* You got mail.
Chris Keller: *smiles back, moves to embrace him*
DEAN WINTERS: *starts humming again* Dun, dah-dun, dah-dun… *laughs*
TOM FONTANA: *laughs* The funny thing was, people were so pissed at me this whole season because these two [Keller and Beecher] didn’t have any scenes together.
DEAN WINTERS: Yeah?
TOM FONTANA: *philosophically* And I said, “Well, what’re you gonna do?”
[Onscreen, Chris Keller and Tobias Beecher are kissing through the bars of Keller’s jail cell. It goes on for some time.]
TOM FONTANA: *curious* You know how much they practiced this?
DEAN WINTERS: A lot.
[Onscreen, more kissing]
DEAN WINTERS: *crooning more “Summer Nights” lyrics* We made out under the dock… *snickers*
Dear aspiring writers of the world,
It is within your right to use the words "[color] orbs" to describe the eyes of your lovingly written snugglebunny, even if it would be much better to just say "eyes." However, you do not get to also use the word "orbs" while describing testicles, especially not when one usage occurs within two paragraphs of the other. Please pick one anatomical point to gift this word to, in order to avoid future confusion and reading whiplash.
Yrs,
Humble Reader
PS: In particular, please don't do this when the color of said eye orbs is cerulean, azure, sapphire, or any other blue shade. This is counterproductive to your PWP when accidentally applied to testicles.