Ave Maria, gratia plena, Maria, gratia plena
I was at a funeral this morning, for the mother of a classmate of mine. (And saw all my old elementary school teachers, which was kind of a mindfuck.) Whenever I go to funerals, I always like to keep track of the music, because inevitably someone sings Ave Maria and the whole church ends up in tears no matter how they knew the deceased. It’s, like, the cry-song for Catholics. There’s others, like Amazing Grace, On Eagle’s Wings, Bridge Over Troubled Waters, and so forth, but the Ave Maria is the one that inevitably brings down the congregation, at least in my experience. When I die, I’m not sure if I want to engineer my music to make everyone cry, or leave a clause in the will to demand they play, I don’t know, Dance Dance Revolution music. Something to mess with the mood, you know?
Anyway, the whole thing has left me a bit sad and vaguely thoughtful and smelling somewhat like incense, and since nothing good ever comes of that I’m just going to switch gears entirely and jabber about unrelated things.
While I was at the cardiology conference in Chicago, I was contemplating how if I were the army leader of a vast horde of brain-eating zombies, I would direct my hordes towards medical conventions/conferences like this one. Not only is there a wide buffet of juicily intelligent scientist and doctor brains to eat, there are possibly some already-preserved organs in jars that they’ve brought along for their lectures, a nice little extra snack option. Plus, scientists and doctors have very little common sense, so I imagine we could overpower them quite easily. And the world suddenly has a big chunk of its scientists and doctors missing, so world domination gets a little easier.
But then you have to wonder, would this transfer to my zombies? Would my zombies then have no common sense? Or would my zombies get too smart, and would I then have to worry about them trying to overthrow me?
It is possible that I am over-thinking the situation, but you can never be too careful with zombies.
The conference I was at was one of the bigger ones I’ve attended, about twenty five thousand people. The very small part of it that I claimed as my territory was quite inconsequential indeed; I was located in the middle of nowhere, between two sections of space devoted to hospitals from Virginia and Texas, and two rows over from the booth with the preserved hearts sitting on formaldehyde-soaked pads of cotton. Just, you know, sitting there. Hanging out and being heart-y. They kept me company, this long row of hearts with various alarming syndromes, which causes them to vary in size, shape, and gooiness.
I spent a lot of time wondering where the fabled exhibitors’ lounge was, this mythical place I’d heard of that stocked free coffee and donuts for exhibitors. I never did find it. It was like some glorious dream, the Holy Grail of refreshment, and probably the AHA’s version of sending us all out on a snipe hunt. So, I resorted to eating the free mini-bars of chocolate that we keep on the table to give out, and abusing the free food privileges at the Nutrition Pavilion.
The Nutrition Pavilion was a godsend for people like me who can’t leave their areas long enough to get breakfast outside the convention center. It’s the area of the exhibition devoted solely to healthy new food products or vitamins-low-fat butter spreads, health shakes, health and energy bars, low fat peanut butter, sugar-free candy, various nuts, gluten-free bread, chocolate bars that improve your heart, hot sauce, and so on and so forth. With careful browsing, you can get a fairly decent (if somewhat bizarre) entire meal out of the free samples.
I wonder how many membership applications I gave out that were really sympathy applications. You see, a lot of the attendees are just as hungry as I am, and zeroed in on the chocolate basket as soon as they walked by. Then, they pretend that the whole reason they came to the table was really to get an application or idly sift through our piles of papers, just to make it look like they weren’t just there for the chocolate.
One of the weirder things about this particular conference was that there were many more international attendees than usual, and they’d ask me to actually explain or recommend the different mini-bars. This is harder than you’d think; how do you sound high-class about Hershey’s miniatures? Like, "Uh, this one is milk chocolate, this one is dark chocolate. This one has peanuts in it. And this one has crackly little rice things." Half of them looked like they wanted me to recommend a wine to go with it as well.
Got so bored at one slow point that I reviewed all the text messages in my cellphone, most of which were to or from Louise, most of which were the results of drunk-texting.
Big meetings like this are all about how much free swag you can score. I made out decently at this one, although I would have liked to have picked up more free notebooks, since they’re what I usually do my freehand writing in. No one is interested in notebooks with medical brand logos on the front, so they’re nicely innocuous and no one suspects you’re being a deviant pervert inside them. I think I got over fifty free pens at this conference, but only a dozen complimentary hotel toiletries bottles.
While in Chicago, I did end up puttering around the Chicago Institute of Art for a while, which I hope is some sign of maturity or something. Going to museums for amusement of your own free will, you know. Anyway.
***
ThorneScratch: Okay, I thought I had said everything I'd wanted to say on the subject of having sex with Bono, but there's one last thing that occurred to me. (And the sides seem to be pretty evenly split between "Yeah, I'd tap that," and "Hell no, not ever." Which surprises me.)
ThorneScratch: The thing is, there are all these factors when it comes to the question of whether or not to biblically know certain musicians. Like, you know, the ones who maybe don't look as hot now, but you would have to do them anyway, just because it's them? See, let me use some examples.
ThorneScratch: Like, say, David Bowie: yes or no?
twigcollins: Yes. Oh, and also I finally heard the song 'Sexy Back', and immediately in my head popped up the image of a YouTube video shot from Midgar.
ThorneScratch: Oh dear.
twigcollins: Of Zack dancing on every executive desk.
ThorneScratch: Ohhhhhhhh dear.
twigcollins: Reno is manning the camera. Zack is master of the Funky Chicken.
ThorneScratch: Cloud is forced into service as backup dancer. There are so many sequins.
twigcollins: Also, Bowie not so my first choice now, but still it is Bowie. I'm not gonna say no.
ThorneScratch: Yeah, you'd still have to do him because he's Bowie.
twigcollins: Exactly.
ThorneScratch: Like Johnny Cash.
twigcollins: Yeah.
ThorneScratch: Or Bob Dylan.
twigcollins: Mmm. Dylan maybe not so much. His bed talk is probably as reedy as his singing voice.
ThorneScratch: Okay, point. This is almost the same one misgiving I'd have about sex with Bono. See, he has a great voice and all that. But in bed-- okay, just imagine this scenario: You're in bed with Bono. Or up against a wall, or something. And you're making the beast with two backs with him. You've been going at it for some time.
twigcollins: Okay. There's a midget riding a tricycle in here. Cool.
ThorneScratch: I need you to focus.
ThorneScratch: You're hot, there's perspiration, skin is rubbing other skin, bodily fluids are dripping or spurting or what have you. And maybe he's been talking dirty in the beginning, but it's sort of background white noise to you now. But something eventually seems out of place. You start picking out words like "energy conservation" and "ending world hunger" and "gobshite politicians."
ThorneScratch: And you look up. You see his lips moving. And you realize with a jolt--
ThorneScratch: "Oh my God, he's Bono-loguing again!"
ThorneScratch: And he just gets sort of stuck, you know? You'd probably have to thump him a few times on the side of the head to get him working properly again. Same thing with Dylan. He'd start reciting something wacky mid-thrust, and you'd have to shake him a bit to get him back on target.
twigcollins: See, I think you're asking the wrong person, because I'm kind of hoping Keith Olbermann would whip out the four-syllable words in bed.
ThorneScratch: Yes, but it's distracting is my point.
twigcollins: I'd think with Bono, the flocks of chorusing angels would tend to drown out any unimpressive chatter. That could also get distracting, though. As well as the cone of light from his Immaculate Wang.
ThorneScratch: I had a totally disgusting thought about the Immaculate Wang, but for your sake I will not say it.
ThorneScratch: I will however say that I just located a stunning bit of literature where Bono and The Edge wrap each other in saran wrap and then shrink it with a hotel blowdryer for sexual gratification.
twigcollins: Dude, I want to hear the Immaculate Wang comment now.
twigcollins: O.o
ThorneScratch: Sorry, did I give you whiplash?
twigcollins: Less of a whiplash and more of a spine-grab-and-shake. Also, who the hell heat-dry-shrink-wraps the wang? Like, I did not know about this.
ThorneScratch: It was entire body shrink-wrappage.
twigcollins: ...
ThorneScratch: Some sort of weird mummification kink, I guess? I don't know, maybe that's how they do these things in Ireland.
twigcollins: With plastic. Hot plastic.
ThorneScratch: What makes it even better was that it was "found" saran wrap. They just find it on the street and decide to take it back to the hotel. For sex purposes.
twigcollins: Next to some cake. It's like a sex trap. Zack sets those up near Sephiroth and Cloud. With, like, lube and small microphones.
twigcollins: "He does realize that if we're supposed to clip these on our clothes and..."
ThorneScratch: Yes, but... okay, I'm allowed to stereotype a little because part my family is Irish. Wouldn't a better sex trap be some alcohol or something?
twigcollins: Yeah, but that might not lead to sex. It could lead to fighting or loud football discussion.
ThorneScratch: That's true.
twigcollins: Reno would go around with a marker writing 'for sex' on everything. Toothpaste 'for sex'. Materia slots 'for sex'.
twigcollins: And graffiti up the masamune because seven feet of steel offers a lot of possibilities. That's the entire Nantucket limerick right there. Two versions!
twigcollins: OH CRAP. CRAP.
ThorneScratch: What? What is it?!
twigcollins: I can finally throw something back at you. I finally have a volley for Wrongness in Fandom.
twigcollins: I HAVE IT and you will BEAR WITNESS.
ThorneScratch: Is it bear rape?
twigcollins: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/43545099/
twigcollins: It is not, in fact, Rape Bear, but it still just blows my mind.
ThorneScratch: … … …
ThorneScratch: Huh. See, at first I thought that was some weird version of Harry and Snape. Then I thought it was the chicks from "Wicked."
ThorneScratch: But it appears to be transgendered and humanized Invader Zim characters, is it not?
twigcollins: Yes.
ThorneScratch: That does seem pretty fucked up. Really fucked up. Want me to find you the Japanese fanart of humanized and bishounen-ized characters from South Park making out? I can up your ante. Because I think mine will have nudity.
twigcollins: Oh I never doubted you could, but damn.
ThorneScratch: ...Yeah. Zim. As an anorexic tween though. Is.... *full body shudder*
twigcollins: That's what I like about this one. It's innocuous. But still, at least she didn't do Gir?
ThorneScratch: Yeah.
twigcollins: I liked the picture title too. Even though it has nothing to do with anything.
ThorneScratch: Yeah. Wow. That is pretty wrong. Although I would not say it is perverse. There are no tentacles.
twigcollins: See, yes.
ThorneScratch: Or dick-nipples.
twigcollins: It isn't at all wrong. And yet, STILL SO WRONG.
ThorneScratch: Yeah.
twigcollins: Dick... ni... never mind.
ThorneScratch: Yeah, you don't want me to talk about those.
twigcollins: No, wait. I can't just let that pass. I really can't. Dick nipples? This is me backing up to watch the car wreck.
ThorneScratch: Shitting dick nipples. It's like, five kinks mashed together to fuck your head over beyond all reason and make sure you never eat nor sleep again.
twigcollins: Okay, now you're just having Tourettes.
ThorneScratch: I totally am not. I have seen art where breasts are drawn with penises for nipples and human excrement is coming out of the penises.
twigcollins: God, is this German? It has to be German.
ThorneScratch: Personally, I think that sounds like something from the old Batman television series. "Holy shitting dick nipples, Batman!"
ThorneScratch: No, it's just our wacky friend Japan again.
twigcollins: Oh Japan, you so crazy. And what I mean by "You so crazy" is "Take your meds." Gah
ThorneScratch: Our conversations cover such great territory.
twigcollins: We are Lewis and Clark, boldly charting new territory and laughing at each other as we're attacked by wild stoats.
I wasn’t lying about the dick nipples. You can google it, or if you scroll through the /d/ board at 4chan, you’ll probably find some within a couple pages or so. However, I wouldn’t really go there unless you have a strong stomach and/or get a kick out of the perverse. Just giving you fair warning.
***
You know, one of the things that gives me pause with the AU!AU phase in the Brokeback Mountain communities, is that the story and characters are so much a product of the specific setting and time period in which they’re written, that to remove those elements from the story leaves me scratching my head and saying, “Shit, now what?”
It’s not to say, of course, that it can’t be done. But I think in this particular case, it really takes out the meat of the story and reduces them to something more like stock characters. The story’s plot revolves around two characters who are the way they are specifically because of the part of the country they live in and the attitudes of the times. The setting and time plays a direct role in shaping these people and why they make the actions that they do. Take out the end-of-the-West conservative cowboy/sheep herder part, and that’s sort of a big hole to work around.
Again, I’m not saying it can’t be done. I mean, look at "West Side Story." Universality of characters and themes and plot devices, and what love does to us, and all that. There are themes in the short story and movie that are universal and are transferable to other settings and time periods-the whole thing of finding love against all the odds, consummating it, denying it, what the denial of love does, and basically how good humans are at fucking up their lives.
But part of why the short story and movie affected me so much was about how the tragedy was so quiet and plausible in its time and setting, and how the characters were sort of inextricably intertwined in that. I find it hard to extract them from that without it becoming dulled down. So, I suppose it just doesn’t interest me enough to see it moved out of the time period and setting, even when it's an exercise of seeing how the same actions and attitudes might echo, repeat, or change in a different time or place.
Not that, you know, I haven’t read it and watched it and thought wistfully of a happy ending and all the ways it could have gone differently-shit, I like a lot of the more normal AUs where they examine minor details or twists that could have changed the whole thing, even though it requires sifting through the sappier stuff that pretties it up unspeakably and smoothes away all the sharp edges that the story possesses. (It makes me want to point them towards the Purgatory poem by Maxine Kumin.) But moving the characters to something wholly different just doesn’t usually do it for me.
Usual disclaimer here: no doubt, there is an AU!AU out there that could do it, because these things have a habit of coming true immediately after I post this kind of stuff. I’m just covering my ass.
Anyway, so far I have noticed:
Star Trek Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both ensigns on the starship)
Star Wars Brokeback Mountain (I can’t remember who was who, but I think they were both Jedi)
Pirate Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a pirate and Ennis is a priest.)
Hitman Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a surgeon under Witness Protection and Ennis is a hitman sent to kill him)
FBI Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a drug-runner and Ennis is an FBI agent)
Rentboy Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a truck-stop prostitute and Ennis is a gas station clerk)
WWII Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a cabaret dancer and Ennis is a struggling painter in Germany. I think there are Nazis involved somewhere.)
Shawshank Redemption Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both convicts in Shawshank prison.)
European Royalty Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a valet servant working for Ennis’s family, Ennis is the son of the Earl of some random European province)
The Outsiders Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a Soc and Ennis is a Greaser)
Highschool Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a poor scholarship student and Ennis is a popular football player)
College Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a physics student and Ennis is a physics TA)
Carnival Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both carnies during the 70’s)
Cajun Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis both live in Louisiana. Presumably, they are Cajun.)
Baseball Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both business men and go to baseball games together with their families. Camden Yards is apparently going to play a big role.)
MPREG Brokeback Mountain (Self-explanatory. To be fair, it was parody.)
Drugs and Angst Brokeback Mountain (Jack does drugs and Ennis angsts. It makes the list because it’s based in 2006, and they go to nightclubs.)
19th Century London Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a British dandy and Ennis is a working class guy in London’s slums.)
Police Academy Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both cadets at an police academy)
Horse Whisperer Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a rancher and Ennis is a horse whisperer)
1867 Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a hired gun who helps run farmers off their land, Ennis is a farmer)
Lord of the Rings Brokeback Mountain (Jack is the son of the Steward of Gondor, and Ennis is the son of the sister of the King of Rohan. Minimal elf presence, which mightily surprised me.)
Queer as Folk Brokeback Mountain (Stuart and Vince from QAF hang out with Jack and Ennis)
Joss Whedon’s Firefly Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis join the crew of the Serenity)
And those are just the ones I remember off-hand from recently. Of course, I have only completely read through some of these, and cannot vouch for their quality, good or bad. For all I know, they’re all really well- justified and make perfect sense. I’ve run into a few that were well-written, even if I don’t think they bear much resemblance at all to the original story or characters; I’ve run into some that were just fucked up beyond all recognition.
And of course, these are all AU!AU’s, not just regular AU’s that remain in the same time period and setting and operate on the premise of plot points like “what if Jack had spent the night after the divorce and not driven off, etc.” It also doesn’t include the ones that were based on the real-life actors instead of the characters, which is really just too bad, as there was a Porn Star Brokeback Mountain Actors one.
I have not yet seen a Silent Hill Brokeback Mountain, which is kind of a pity. (To borrow a page from thebaconfat's summary: “Two guys. Gay. Also, Pyramid Head.”)
In fact, there is a shocking dearth of the following AU!AU’s:
Werewolf Brokeback Mountain
Geisha Brokeback Mountain
Boyband Brokeback Mountain
Samurai Brokeback Mountain
Harry Potter Brokeback Mountain
Firefighters Brokeback Mountain
Ancient Greece Brokeback Mountain
Stripper Brokeback Mountain (Stripper AU is different from Rentboy/Prostitute AU)
Something involving dragons
And vampires, of course, but I seem to vaguely remember a vampire AU a long time ago. I’m nearly certain there was one. I think Jack got bitten first. No fandom is really a fandom until it has a vampire AU, there’s totally a rule about it.
I expect someone to fix this immediately.
Tomorrow, I have to attend a formal ball. I didn’t know these damn things still even existed. Now I’m trying to remember all the stuff my cotillion class tried to teach me. If they make me foxtrot, I'm doomed.
Anyway, the whole thing has left me a bit sad and vaguely thoughtful and smelling somewhat like incense, and since nothing good ever comes of that I’m just going to switch gears entirely and jabber about unrelated things.
While I was at the cardiology conference in Chicago, I was contemplating how if I were the army leader of a vast horde of brain-eating zombies, I would direct my hordes towards medical conventions/conferences like this one. Not only is there a wide buffet of juicily intelligent scientist and doctor brains to eat, there are possibly some already-preserved organs in jars that they’ve brought along for their lectures, a nice little extra snack option. Plus, scientists and doctors have very little common sense, so I imagine we could overpower them quite easily. And the world suddenly has a big chunk of its scientists and doctors missing, so world domination gets a little easier.
But then you have to wonder, would this transfer to my zombies? Would my zombies then have no common sense? Or would my zombies get too smart, and would I then have to worry about them trying to overthrow me?
It is possible that I am over-thinking the situation, but you can never be too careful with zombies.
The conference I was at was one of the bigger ones I’ve attended, about twenty five thousand people. The very small part of it that I claimed as my territory was quite inconsequential indeed; I was located in the middle of nowhere, between two sections of space devoted to hospitals from Virginia and Texas, and two rows over from the booth with the preserved hearts sitting on formaldehyde-soaked pads of cotton. Just, you know, sitting there. Hanging out and being heart-y. They kept me company, this long row of hearts with various alarming syndromes, which causes them to vary in size, shape, and gooiness.
I spent a lot of time wondering where the fabled exhibitors’ lounge was, this mythical place I’d heard of that stocked free coffee and donuts for exhibitors. I never did find it. It was like some glorious dream, the Holy Grail of refreshment, and probably the AHA’s version of sending us all out on a snipe hunt. So, I resorted to eating the free mini-bars of chocolate that we keep on the table to give out, and abusing the free food privileges at the Nutrition Pavilion.
The Nutrition Pavilion was a godsend for people like me who can’t leave their areas long enough to get breakfast outside the convention center. It’s the area of the exhibition devoted solely to healthy new food products or vitamins-low-fat butter spreads, health shakes, health and energy bars, low fat peanut butter, sugar-free candy, various nuts, gluten-free bread, chocolate bars that improve your heart, hot sauce, and so on and so forth. With careful browsing, you can get a fairly decent (if somewhat bizarre) entire meal out of the free samples.
I wonder how many membership applications I gave out that were really sympathy applications. You see, a lot of the attendees are just as hungry as I am, and zeroed in on the chocolate basket as soon as they walked by. Then, they pretend that the whole reason they came to the table was really to get an application or idly sift through our piles of papers, just to make it look like they weren’t just there for the chocolate.
One of the weirder things about this particular conference was that there were many more international attendees than usual, and they’d ask me to actually explain or recommend the different mini-bars. This is harder than you’d think; how do you sound high-class about Hershey’s miniatures? Like, "Uh, this one is milk chocolate, this one is dark chocolate. This one has peanuts in it. And this one has crackly little rice things." Half of them looked like they wanted me to recommend a wine to go with it as well.
Got so bored at one slow point that I reviewed all the text messages in my cellphone, most of which were to or from Louise, most of which were the results of drunk-texting.
Big meetings like this are all about how much free swag you can score. I made out decently at this one, although I would have liked to have picked up more free notebooks, since they’re what I usually do my freehand writing in. No one is interested in notebooks with medical brand logos on the front, so they’re nicely innocuous and no one suspects you’re being a deviant pervert inside them. I think I got over fifty free pens at this conference, but only a dozen complimentary hotel toiletries bottles.
While in Chicago, I did end up puttering around the Chicago Institute of Art for a while, which I hope is some sign of maturity or something. Going to museums for amusement of your own free will, you know. Anyway.
***
ThorneScratch: Okay, I thought I had said everything I'd wanted to say on the subject of having sex with Bono, but there's one last thing that occurred to me. (And the sides seem to be pretty evenly split between "Yeah, I'd tap that," and "Hell no, not ever." Which surprises me.)
ThorneScratch: The thing is, there are all these factors when it comes to the question of whether or not to biblically know certain musicians. Like, you know, the ones who maybe don't look as hot now, but you would have to do them anyway, just because it's them? See, let me use some examples.
ThorneScratch: Like, say, David Bowie: yes or no?
twigcollins: Yes. Oh, and also I finally heard the song 'Sexy Back', and immediately in my head popped up the image of a YouTube video shot from Midgar.
ThorneScratch: Oh dear.
twigcollins: Of Zack dancing on every executive desk.
ThorneScratch: Ohhhhhhhh dear.
twigcollins: Reno is manning the camera. Zack is master of the Funky Chicken.
ThorneScratch: Cloud is forced into service as backup dancer. There are so many sequins.
twigcollins: Also, Bowie not so my first choice now, but still it is Bowie. I'm not gonna say no.
ThorneScratch: Yeah, you'd still have to do him because he's Bowie.
twigcollins: Exactly.
ThorneScratch: Like Johnny Cash.
twigcollins: Yeah.
ThorneScratch: Or Bob Dylan.
twigcollins: Mmm. Dylan maybe not so much. His bed talk is probably as reedy as his singing voice.
ThorneScratch: Okay, point. This is almost the same one misgiving I'd have about sex with Bono. See, he has a great voice and all that. But in bed-- okay, just imagine this scenario: You're in bed with Bono. Or up against a wall, or something. And you're making the beast with two backs with him. You've been going at it for some time.
twigcollins: Okay. There's a midget riding a tricycle in here. Cool.
ThorneScratch: I need you to focus.
ThorneScratch: You're hot, there's perspiration, skin is rubbing other skin, bodily fluids are dripping or spurting or what have you. And maybe he's been talking dirty in the beginning, but it's sort of background white noise to you now. But something eventually seems out of place. You start picking out words like "energy conservation" and "ending world hunger" and "gobshite politicians."
ThorneScratch: And you look up. You see his lips moving. And you realize with a jolt--
ThorneScratch: "Oh my God, he's Bono-loguing again!"
ThorneScratch: And he just gets sort of stuck, you know? You'd probably have to thump him a few times on the side of the head to get him working properly again. Same thing with Dylan. He'd start reciting something wacky mid-thrust, and you'd have to shake him a bit to get him back on target.
twigcollins: See, I think you're asking the wrong person, because I'm kind of hoping Keith Olbermann would whip out the four-syllable words in bed.
ThorneScratch: Yes, but it's distracting is my point.
twigcollins: I'd think with Bono, the flocks of chorusing angels would tend to drown out any unimpressive chatter. That could also get distracting, though. As well as the cone of light from his Immaculate Wang.
ThorneScratch: I had a totally disgusting thought about the Immaculate Wang, but for your sake I will not say it.
ThorneScratch: I will however say that I just located a stunning bit of literature where Bono and The Edge wrap each other in saran wrap and then shrink it with a hotel blowdryer for sexual gratification.
twigcollins: Dude, I want to hear the Immaculate Wang comment now.
twigcollins: O.o
ThorneScratch: Sorry, did I give you whiplash?
twigcollins: Less of a whiplash and more of a spine-grab-and-shake. Also, who the hell heat-dry-shrink-wraps the wang? Like, I did not know about this.
ThorneScratch: It was entire body shrink-wrappage.
twigcollins: ...
ThorneScratch: Some sort of weird mummification kink, I guess? I don't know, maybe that's how they do these things in Ireland.
twigcollins: With plastic. Hot plastic.
ThorneScratch: What makes it even better was that it was "found" saran wrap. They just find it on the street and decide to take it back to the hotel. For sex purposes.
twigcollins: Next to some cake. It's like a sex trap. Zack sets those up near Sephiroth and Cloud. With, like, lube and small microphones.
twigcollins: "He does realize that if we're supposed to clip these on our clothes and..."
ThorneScratch: Yes, but... okay, I'm allowed to stereotype a little because part my family is Irish. Wouldn't a better sex trap be some alcohol or something?
twigcollins: Yeah, but that might not lead to sex. It could lead to fighting or loud football discussion.
ThorneScratch: That's true.
twigcollins: Reno would go around with a marker writing 'for sex' on everything. Toothpaste 'for sex'. Materia slots 'for sex'.
twigcollins: And graffiti up the masamune because seven feet of steel offers a lot of possibilities. That's the entire Nantucket limerick right there. Two versions!
twigcollins: OH CRAP. CRAP.
ThorneScratch: What? What is it?!
twigcollins: I can finally throw something back at you. I finally have a volley for Wrongness in Fandom.
twigcollins: I HAVE IT and you will BEAR WITNESS.
ThorneScratch: Is it bear rape?
twigcollins: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/43545099/
twigcollins: It is not, in fact, Rape Bear, but it still just blows my mind.
ThorneScratch: … … …
ThorneScratch: Huh. See, at first I thought that was some weird version of Harry and Snape. Then I thought it was the chicks from "Wicked."
ThorneScratch: But it appears to be transgendered and humanized Invader Zim characters, is it not?
twigcollins: Yes.
ThorneScratch: That does seem pretty fucked up. Really fucked up. Want me to find you the Japanese fanart of humanized and bishounen-ized characters from South Park making out? I can up your ante. Because I think mine will have nudity.
twigcollins: Oh I never doubted you could, but damn.
ThorneScratch: ...Yeah. Zim. As an anorexic tween though. Is.... *full body shudder*
twigcollins: That's what I like about this one. It's innocuous. But still, at least she didn't do Gir?
ThorneScratch: Yeah.
twigcollins: I liked the picture title too. Even though it has nothing to do with anything.
ThorneScratch: Yeah. Wow. That is pretty wrong. Although I would not say it is perverse. There are no tentacles.
twigcollins: See, yes.
ThorneScratch: Or dick-nipples.
twigcollins: It isn't at all wrong. And yet, STILL SO WRONG.
ThorneScratch: Yeah.
twigcollins: Dick... ni... never mind.
ThorneScratch: Yeah, you don't want me to talk about those.
twigcollins: No, wait. I can't just let that pass. I really can't. Dick nipples? This is me backing up to watch the car wreck.
ThorneScratch: Shitting dick nipples. It's like, five kinks mashed together to fuck your head over beyond all reason and make sure you never eat nor sleep again.
twigcollins: Okay, now you're just having Tourettes.
ThorneScratch: I totally am not. I have seen art where breasts are drawn with penises for nipples and human excrement is coming out of the penises.
twigcollins: God, is this German? It has to be German.
ThorneScratch: Personally, I think that sounds like something from the old Batman television series. "Holy shitting dick nipples, Batman!"
ThorneScratch: No, it's just our wacky friend Japan again.
twigcollins: Oh Japan, you so crazy. And what I mean by "You so crazy" is "Take your meds." Gah
ThorneScratch: Our conversations cover such great territory.
twigcollins: We are Lewis and Clark, boldly charting new territory and laughing at each other as we're attacked by wild stoats.
I wasn’t lying about the dick nipples. You can google it, or if you scroll through the /d/ board at 4chan, you’ll probably find some within a couple pages or so. However, I wouldn’t really go there unless you have a strong stomach and/or get a kick out of the perverse. Just giving you fair warning.
***
You know, one of the things that gives me pause with the AU!AU phase in the Brokeback Mountain communities, is that the story and characters are so much a product of the specific setting and time period in which they’re written, that to remove those elements from the story leaves me scratching my head and saying, “Shit, now what?”
It’s not to say, of course, that it can’t be done. But I think in this particular case, it really takes out the meat of the story and reduces them to something more like stock characters. The story’s plot revolves around two characters who are the way they are specifically because of the part of the country they live in and the attitudes of the times. The setting and time plays a direct role in shaping these people and why they make the actions that they do. Take out the end-of-the-West conservative cowboy/sheep herder part, and that’s sort of a big hole to work around.
Again, I’m not saying it can’t be done. I mean, look at "West Side Story." Universality of characters and themes and plot devices, and what love does to us, and all that. There are themes in the short story and movie that are universal and are transferable to other settings and time periods-the whole thing of finding love against all the odds, consummating it, denying it, what the denial of love does, and basically how good humans are at fucking up their lives.
But part of why the short story and movie affected me so much was about how the tragedy was so quiet and plausible in its time and setting, and how the characters were sort of inextricably intertwined in that. I find it hard to extract them from that without it becoming dulled down. So, I suppose it just doesn’t interest me enough to see it moved out of the time period and setting, even when it's an exercise of seeing how the same actions and attitudes might echo, repeat, or change in a different time or place.
Not that, you know, I haven’t read it and watched it and thought wistfully of a happy ending and all the ways it could have gone differently-shit, I like a lot of the more normal AUs where they examine minor details or twists that could have changed the whole thing, even though it requires sifting through the sappier stuff that pretties it up unspeakably and smoothes away all the sharp edges that the story possesses. (It makes me want to point them towards the Purgatory poem by Maxine Kumin.) But moving the characters to something wholly different just doesn’t usually do it for me.
Usual disclaimer here: no doubt, there is an AU!AU out there that could do it, because these things have a habit of coming true immediately after I post this kind of stuff. I’m just covering my ass.
Anyway, so far I have noticed:
Star Trek Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both ensigns on the starship)
Star Wars Brokeback Mountain (I can’t remember who was who, but I think they were both Jedi)
Pirate Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a pirate and Ennis is a priest.)
Hitman Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a surgeon under Witness Protection and Ennis is a hitman sent to kill him)
FBI Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a drug-runner and Ennis is an FBI agent)
Rentboy Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a truck-stop prostitute and Ennis is a gas station clerk)
WWII Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a cabaret dancer and Ennis is a struggling painter in Germany. I think there are Nazis involved somewhere.)
Shawshank Redemption Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both convicts in Shawshank prison.)
European Royalty Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a valet servant working for Ennis’s family, Ennis is the son of the Earl of some random European province)
The Outsiders Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a Soc and Ennis is a Greaser)
Highschool Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a poor scholarship student and Ennis is a popular football player)
College Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a physics student and Ennis is a physics TA)
Carnival Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both carnies during the 70’s)
Cajun Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis both live in Louisiana. Presumably, they are Cajun.)
Baseball Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both business men and go to baseball games together with their families. Camden Yards is apparently going to play a big role.)
MPREG Brokeback Mountain (Self-explanatory. To be fair, it was parody.)
Drugs and Angst Brokeback Mountain (Jack does drugs and Ennis angsts. It makes the list because it’s based in 2006, and they go to nightclubs.)
19th Century London Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a British dandy and Ennis is a working class guy in London’s slums.)
Police Academy Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis are both cadets at an police academy)
Horse Whisperer Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a rancher and Ennis is a horse whisperer)
1867 Brokeback Mountain (Jack is a hired gun who helps run farmers off their land, Ennis is a farmer)
Lord of the Rings Brokeback Mountain (Jack is the son of the Steward of Gondor, and Ennis is the son of the sister of the King of Rohan. Minimal elf presence, which mightily surprised me.)
Queer as Folk Brokeback Mountain (Stuart and Vince from QAF hang out with Jack and Ennis)
Joss Whedon’s Firefly Brokeback Mountain (Jack and Ennis join the crew of the Serenity)
And those are just the ones I remember off-hand from recently. Of course, I have only completely read through some of these, and cannot vouch for their quality, good or bad. For all I know, they’re all really well- justified and make perfect sense. I’ve run into a few that were well-written, even if I don’t think they bear much resemblance at all to the original story or characters; I’ve run into some that were just fucked up beyond all recognition.
And of course, these are all AU!AU’s, not just regular AU’s that remain in the same time period and setting and operate on the premise of plot points like “what if Jack had spent the night after the divorce and not driven off, etc.” It also doesn’t include the ones that were based on the real-life actors instead of the characters, which is really just too bad, as there was a Porn Star Brokeback Mountain Actors one.
I have not yet seen a Silent Hill Brokeback Mountain, which is kind of a pity. (To borrow a page from thebaconfat's summary: “Two guys. Gay. Also, Pyramid Head.”)
In fact, there is a shocking dearth of the following AU!AU’s:
Werewolf Brokeback Mountain
Geisha Brokeback Mountain
Boyband Brokeback Mountain
Samurai Brokeback Mountain
Harry Potter Brokeback Mountain
Firefighters Brokeback Mountain
Ancient Greece Brokeback Mountain
Stripper Brokeback Mountain (Stripper AU is different from Rentboy/Prostitute AU)
Something involving dragons
And vampires, of course, but I seem to vaguely remember a vampire AU a long time ago. I’m nearly certain there was one. I think Jack got bitten first. No fandom is really a fandom until it has a vampire AU, there’s totally a rule about it.
I expect someone to fix this immediately.
Tomorrow, I have to attend a formal ball. I didn’t know these damn things still even existed. Now I’m trying to remember all the stuff my cotillion class tried to teach me. If they make me foxtrot, I'm doomed.