Mother always taught me: "Never eat singing food."
I love the Muppets. And I think my roommate is dating Lord Voldemort.
This is a theory born out of the information on hand-- that he is British, somewhat evil, ridiculously talented in his field of study, is in a fraternity, disappears on weekends for mysterious outings, likes to watch Buffy (presumably to see his demon brethren), and communicates with a lot of text messaging, not unlike the Dark Mark. And in the pictures she's sent me, he appears to have a sinister yet intriguing mien, and red eyes. The red eyes could possibly be the result of the camera flash, but I really think that the mounting pile of evidence speaks for itself. Louise is engaged in a romantic relationship with the dark lord of wizards, the veritable bane of magical England.
To me, the fraternity was the most telling and obvious sign.
I like keeping tabs on Louise's boyfriends because they used to make up one of the bigger drama aspects in our lives. I've met the one who she describes as "All right, if he were a spice, he'd be meat tenderizer." I spent a very uncomfortable half hour with him in the room, waiting for Louise to come back from the shower while he watched a hentai DVD and Instant Messaged me about it from three feet away. I've met the even freakier one, who was into D&D and qualified as a genuine stalker. And there was the architect one. All of them have been duly discussed into the late night hours many times, and all of them have been fodder for hours of laughter and tears, but mostly laughter. So, you see, I like knowing who Louise is bending to her will these days.
So, he's Voldemort, or possibly a drug dealer. Also, he has the same name as her dog, which is a comedy goldmine for me. Apart from all that, he seems like quite a nice person, and Louise keeps urging me to come up and meet him. I think not, I tell her, what if he casts a killing curse at me? What then?
Shut up, she usually tells me.
When I meet him, I will have to bring a chopstick with me, and pretend that it is my wand in the hopes that it will fool him. Bamboo with a core of sesame oil, very bendy. Mostly because of the sesame oil.
Anyway. If you're in the United States and if you live even remotely near Washington D.C.-- which I do, thank you kindly-- you've probably been hearing a lot about the panda cub that was recently born. Well, not recently born; I think he's a couple months old now. We've been totally celebrating for a couple months though, and thumbing our noses at San Diego. San Diego, as I understand, just throws us the finger and talks about general quality of zoo-experience. Any day now, we're probably going to have to throw down with them; zoo trash-talking, go figure.
At any rate, when I watch the news at night there is almost always something about the panda cub. I mean, even on the days when there are terrorist bombings and riots and economic shifts and Very Important Things happening. This isn't just restricted to the slow news days. It's like Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy actually come to life.
Mind you, this doesn't really bother me. Hell, I encourage it. There's enough depressing or rage-worthy things going on in the news that seeing a fuzzy baby panda during it makes up for a hell of a lot. Rather than taking a baseball bat to the screen, I just grit my teeth and sit patiently until I see a panda, and that goes a long way towards relaxing me and making the next segment on the "War on Christmas" or more supposed terrorists easier to sit and grin through.
Anyway, Tai Shan, as glorious and fuzzy as he is, is only one panda. I was watching the news the other night and they decided to dip briefly into news of the Wolong Panda Day Care Center and its sixteen panda cubs. All of them shown in one room.
That is a hell of a lot of concentrated cuteness. I half expected some sort of hole or dent to be made in the time-space continuum, and for the universe to subtly shift a few inches to one side.
I squealed about it online, and twigcollins immediately found a picture.
twigcollins: http://www.sandiegozoo.org/wordpress/index.php?p=146
ThorneScratch: Oh God, that is like mainlining cute. Right into the veins.
twigcollins: I would rather have this than porn. You know, that would be a fucking hilarious experiment. Pandas or porn. Like, you sit down in front of an isolated booth, and can choose to see a picture of pandas, or porn. I'd love to see the results for that
ThorneScratch: Except for the one fucked up person, who thinks they're getting panda porn.
twigcollins: Well, yeah. We can just electrocute that motherfucker.
ThorneScratch: Good screening process. You know, it sounds a bit like a gameshow. Panda Or Porn?
twigcollins: Kind of like, the next step down from Hollywood Squares.
ThorneScratch: Not even for B list celebrities. More like C.
twigcollins: Carrot Top's girlfriend. Some guy who saw Bono from the third row of a concert. Kato Kaelien.
***
ThorneScratch: I know you're probably really busy, but as someone who likes sandwiches, I think you should at least give this a glance sometime.
KadrinHeroSchool: ...that's one of the most cheerful things I've ever heard of.
ThorneScratch: Does it... keep on playing inside you? Also, hi.
KadrinHeroSchool: You would have been transformed by the sandwich into a bearer of goodwill and holiday cheer. You wouldn't be able to sleep, but small price to pay.
ThorneScratch: This is the most technologically advanced sandwich ever. Truly it will be a footnote-- nay, a heading in historical accounts of sandwich accomplishment.
KadrinHeroSchool: History itself will be changed! People will refer to new inventions as "around the time of the invention of the musical sandwich" or "just after the Great Musical Sandwich Wars".
ThorneScratch: The imminent wars, of course. The streets are going to run red with cranberry sauce. You know what would complete it, actually? If you ate the musical sandwich and then washed it down with that holiday flavored soda.
KadrinHeroSchool: Thorne, I think you have just discovered the true meaning of Christmas.
ThorneScratch: Sadly, I'm pretty sure in order to make this a best-selling movie, we need some sort of conflict. Would you be willing to try and steal Christmas first? One million dollars.
KadrinHeroSchool: Oh, I suppose. Am I stealing Christmas the traditional way, through capturing Father Christmas and stealing all the presents? Or is this a "Happy Holidays" war on Christmas controversy thing?
ThorneScratch: It depends. Whatever you deem best, although I myself find the image of you sneaking into every home and stealing every gift, decoration, and scrap of food in order to dump it off a cliff to be rather charming. But that would probably require a lot of airfare. Maybe Baco would be willing to help.
KadrinHeroSchool: Man, though, if Baco helped, Christmas would have no chance.
ThorneScratch: I know. Tell her it's to get back at all the rude customers. They deserve it, anyway.
KadrinHeroSchool:...I totally had something else to say here.
ThorneScratch: Perhaps it was a lie.
KadrinHeroSchool: Ah, yes. In Switzerland, around Christmastime, roving gangs patrol the street, mercilessly throwing pancakes at people. This is based around a misinterpretation of a passage in the Bible: where the KJV of Luke 20:25 says And he said unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto God the things which be God's; the misinterpretation is And he said unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and hit people with pancakes to celebrate the day of my birth. People have protested that it's massively out of place, but that hasn't stopped the pancaking; indeed, many people tacitly endorse the pancaking, since they get free food.
ThorneScratch: ...I would totally endorse a holiday where I got free pancakes. Nine thumbs way up. Although it might depend on the type of pancakes. I mean, there are some undesirable pancakes. And the children run from door to door, singing in exchange for gifts of link sausage and other holiday meats. You'll be taking your sister out to throw her first pancake at someone soon enough. An emotional moment for all.
KadrinHeroSchool: She'll throw with a trembling arm, and very little power, but oh the potential in that glorious pancake arc. As the maple syrup trails out behind it, Mum and I will wipe tears from our eyes, and a halo of lit snow will illuminate Siobhan's little head as she laughs.
ThorneScratch: The magic was in her all along. Possibly, the whole thing will be in slo-mo with an uplifting musical score behind it, which breaks into glorious crescendo when the pancake tumbles along its trajectory and hits its target. The true meaning of Christmas.
KadrinHeroSchool: Is this the right time to point out that all of that was full of lies? Probably not.
ThorneScratch: ...you ruined the moment, Patrick.
KadrinHeroSchool: That's what I do. It is my career. I am paid by the ruined-moment.
ThorneScratch: Are there good health benefits? Do you get dental?
KadrinHeroSchool: My teeth have been replaced by steel cutting jaws.
ThorneScratch: Oh, no. You realize this means if you become a supervillain, they're going to give you a stupid name, like, "The Tooth." (Or teeth.) Because, of course, Jaws is already taken.
KadrinHeroSchool: I've got a plan about that, though. What I'll do is, I'll get a much more visible deformation! Then they'll hang the name on that instead.
ThorneScratch:...like what?
KadrinHeroSchool:...A cybernetic arm. Painted blue. Then they will call me "Ol' Blue Arm".
ThorneScratch: I truly hope that was not a euphemism. But, splendid! Mind your costume doesn't clash.
KadrinHeroSchool: My costume will be mainly blue. But there will be a band around my neck and shoulders of bright, hideous yellow-green.
ThorneScratch: But, but, but, what if instead they decide to call you "Ol' Yellow-Green Neck"? What then?
KadrinHeroSchool: That is not a problem. I am perfectly willing to be "Ol' Yellow-Green Neck". Also, less euphemistic.
ThorneScratch: But you're not old.
KadrinHeroSchool: Or am I?
(I am currently reading an alternate history of Australia in which my state seceded from the Commonwealth in 1975. It's an interesting look, but I'm not sure it'd really happen, and also it's used the words "marital law" rather than "martial law" on many occasions. I am not sure what marital law would be.)
ThorneScratch: *Dun dun DUN!*
(Can't ever know too much about your home place. Maybe marital law involves the army coming in and pairing everyone off, forcing them to marry. Regardless of, you know, age, gender, and all those other factors. Or maybe it just means everyone gets hit on the head with rolling pins a lot.)
KadrinHeroSchool: There's this one bit:
"On New Years Eve, the army & rebels at Newcastle spontaneously organise a One Day Cricket match between their lines. Army wins 198 runs to 176. It is the only victory the army has."
Now, many people would think that's unlikely. However, considering that it's Australia? It would totally happen. Actually, the what-if point this history branches off at is one of the most interesting bits of recent Australian history, that being the Whitlam dismissal. You heard of it?
Man, marital law sounds... I don't even know. I'd rather not be hit on the head with a rolling pin, though.
ThorneScratch: Ha! Wait, is it okay to laugh? If it's okay to laugh, I find that very funny. Although the rules of cricket are so far beyond my comprehension, it's... man. Yeah. But, I am shamefully scanty on my knowledge of Australian history and I would like to know about the Whitlam dismissal.
Well, you know, maybe you'd get lucky. Maybe you'd wind up married to someone very fetching who wouldn't hit you with a rolling pin. I'm running through my mental list of Australian celebrities now. Plus, height rule, dude. You'd probably be in control.
KadrinHeroSchool: It is totally OK to laugh, as it is hilarious. Actually, similar story: in the First World War, in Gallipoli, the Australians and the Turks were very close in their trenches, and when they weren't shooting at each other, they didn't actually mind one another. (They played soccer on Christmas Day.) At one point, during their chatting, the Australians revealed that they had only a little fresh fruit, whereas the Turks had plenty; so, they threw them over. (Trench sieges would probably not work anyway.) Not knowing what to give back, the Australians threw over some of their canned meat - called "bully beef".
Soon afterwards, just about all the bully beef was thrown back.
This is a fairly popular First World War story; it's funny and it also illustrates that tinned rations suck beyond the telling of it.
NEXT: THE WHITLAM DISMISSAL!
ThorneScratch: Then I laugh! Ha ha ha! I heard about that sort of exchange in WWI, although they tend to publicize the British and German trench interactions more. Bully beef sounds like it would make an excellent projectile of sorts. It also sounds mean. Bully beef will kick your ass and make you cry.
Yeah, it's late. But the Whitlam dismissal?!
***
Then he went on to explain the Whitlam dismissal, and in fact, much of current Australian politics.
You know, I think that should be a closing line used more often. "Then he went on to explain the Whitlam dismissal, and in fact, much of current Australian politics." In fanfiction, in cocktail conversation, in mission reports, in pick-up lines, in jokes, everything.
I want to write these meta-ish thoughts I've had lately, on source material in writing and how far we're willing to go in our research and elitism and all sorts of pseudo-intellectual shit. But I need to get up early tomorrow. It can wait. Anyway, this is the rest of the entry. It's mostly what you should expect from me by now. Occasionally I feel badly for anyone who friended me for other purposes, but I comfort myself with the fact they're surely filtering me out by now. Takes a lot of the pressure off.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Sephiroth loves Cloud because Cloud is his thing. This beautiful little secret he can keep safe in a box.
ThorneScratch: Cloud-in-a-box. This year's hot item for Christmas.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: …Sephiroth is going to kill Santa and it's all your fault.
ThorneScratch: Yet another one of those images that Shinra PR will forever rue. Sephiroth killing Santa. Right up there with Sephiroth beating the dolphin.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: It can't be any worse than Sephiroth beating the shi-- minds on same track, right. It must drive Sephiroth nuts that pretty much thanks to him, the entire world now knows how shiny his Cloud is. It wasn't such an issue when he was just going to destroy it. But he just can't seem to pull it off.
ThorneScratch: Did you see Finding Nemo?
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I did. I dread to…
ThorneScratch: He's like that yellow tang, obsessed with the bubbles in the chest.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I hate you.
ThorneScratch: You know, trying to admire them and hide them at the same time.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I should have lied.
ThorneScratch: OH COME ON.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I WAS SAVING THIS MOVIE FOR MY CHILDREN!
ThorneScratch: Can't you see it?
FlidgetJeromeEsq: IT WAS GOING TO BE A PRECIOUS AND UNTARNISHED MEMORY. A SHINING MOMENT OF ETERNAL CHILDHOOD!
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Not a leatherclad yellow tang.
ThorneScratch: Dude, we've already ruined penguins and dolphins and lord knows what else. Bondage fish should not be that bad.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Yes, but for some reason penguins and dolphins aren't that innocent to me. Finding Nemo chokes me up.
ThorneScratch: I think it's all the "Daddy!" cries.
ThorneScratch: You know...
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Hate you.
ThorneScratch: Also, clownfish can change genders.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: So much.
ThorneScratch: I read Gil/Nemo, somewhere.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Usually the females though, isn't it?
ThorneScratch: Not sure.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I should sleep now. Maybe if I sleep I'll forget people are writing Finding Nemo fanfic. There's just… there's stories that don't really require continuation or introspection or just … stop that.
***
twigcollins: Yuffie would so run the Nigerian banking scam in her spare time. "Dear sir. My name is Yuffie Kirasagi and I am princess and future ruler of the Kisaragi clan. Unfortunately my father has gone crazy after contracting 8 STDs!"
ThorneScratch: Oh my God, she so would.
twigcollins: Godo: Hey.
twigcollins: Yuffie: What can I say, dad. You're a player.
ThorneScratch: "He is trying to marry me off to the prince of Swaziland."
twigcollins: "If you will assist me I will deposit 800,000 gil in your bank account upon arrival in your town."
twigcollins: And like, she'd get half of ShinRa.
twigcollins: Rufus: Where's the budget?
twigcollins: Tseng: The budget's gone
twigcollins: Rufus: The budget can't just be gone.
ThorneScratch: She'd get the materia, too. You know, half that budget was blown by Reno. The only thing written on the paperwork was "goats". Or possibly "coats" as Reno has terrible handwriting.
twigcollins: Goats - 500,000 gil.
ThorneScratch: Whipped cream - 30 gil.
***
ThorneScratch: He's so confused when he's actually happy.
twigcollins: Yes. Bewildered.
twigcollins: Zack: Yes, that's happiness.
ThorneScratch: Cloud: It's all.... tingly.
ThorneScratch: And then Zack would just hug him. Cloud needed more Zack-hugs; it's just like holding baby pandas. Although I'm sure he got a lot, Zack being Zack.
twigcollins: Yes. Sometimes they were just to make Zack feel better. Like a tribble.
ThorneScratch: It's a symbiotic relationship. Zack hugs make Cloud feel better. And Cloud is too cute to not cheer you up when you hug him.
twigcollins: You can see the happiness gauge filling up.
ThorneScratch: Like a limit break. And when it's full, Cloud actually smiles. Although Zack hugging Sephiroth tends to make Sephiroth more disgruntled and slightly paranoid.
ThorneScratch: "What are you trying to do? What have you done?"
ThorneScratch: I bet the first time Zack tried to hug him, Sephiroth automatically put him in a headlock or threw him across the room.
twigcollins: Yeah. Completely out of instinct.
twigcollins: Zack: You're new to this.
twigcollins: Sephiroth: You were supposed to block.
ThorneScratch: Zack: I guess I should be glad you didn't snap my neck.
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth: I lose more subordinates that way.
twigcollins: Zack announcing himself at the door when he comes in late.
"Seph, I am in your apartment and I am grabbing beer because I left some in here for emergencies and then I will pass out on your couch so don't kill me."
"Seph, I am borrowing your television and also that magazine I left in your bathroom for you."
"Seph, I am unhinging my jaw and tipping all the contents therein into my gullet."
ThorneScratch: "Seph, if anyone asks I've been here all night and also why do you have furniture with such pointy edges because they really hurt to bump into."
twigcollins: "Seph, what happens when you get stuck in your leather pants? If you don't answer I think I'll just sleep here on the floor tonight."
ThorneScratch: "Seph, can I borrow Cloud because I need him for a minute and I know you've got him here somewhere."
twigcollins: "Seph, did you know your room smells exactly like the brig on level 13-D?"
twigcollins: "Seph, I swear I'll clean it all up tomorrow before I leave. Especially the doorknob."
ThorneScratch: "Seph, I would really appreciate it if you would tell Tseng that the goat thing was all Reno's fault and not mine so that he does not shoot me."
ThorneScratch: Zack would trip Cloud into hugging Sephiroth.
Zack: *sticks leg out*
Cloud: *trips* …!?! *grabs*
Cloud: O.o
Sephiroth: o.O
twigcollins: Cloud: I WILL GO CUT OFF MY OWN ARMS SIR.
twigcollins: Zack: He's gonna faint.
ThorneScratch: *whump*
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth: ...it tingles.
twigcollins: Zack: Yeah, it does that. Shit, I need to write this stuff on a card for you two.
twigcollins: "In case of happiness, you may experience tingling. In cases of extreme happiness, the muscles of the face may spasm slightly. We call this 'smiling'. It is not dangerous."
I have to go shopping for Chistmas gifts. The catalogues are failing me, although per their suggestions I am tempted to just get everyone festive holiday meats. Everyone likes festive meat, right? And any meat can be made festive if you slap a bow on it. I tell you, I could get all my shopping done in two aisles of the grocery store; a package of hot dogs apiece with a red ribbon wrapped around. Classy.
This is a theory born out of the information on hand-- that he is British, somewhat evil, ridiculously talented in his field of study, is in a fraternity, disappears on weekends for mysterious outings, likes to watch Buffy (presumably to see his demon brethren), and communicates with a lot of text messaging, not unlike the Dark Mark. And in the pictures she's sent me, he appears to have a sinister yet intriguing mien, and red eyes. The red eyes could possibly be the result of the camera flash, but I really think that the mounting pile of evidence speaks for itself. Louise is engaged in a romantic relationship with the dark lord of wizards, the veritable bane of magical England.
To me, the fraternity was the most telling and obvious sign.
I like keeping tabs on Louise's boyfriends because they used to make up one of the bigger drama aspects in our lives. I've met the one who she describes as "All right, if he were a spice, he'd be meat tenderizer." I spent a very uncomfortable half hour with him in the room, waiting for Louise to come back from the shower while he watched a hentai DVD and Instant Messaged me about it from three feet away. I've met the even freakier one, who was into D&D and qualified as a genuine stalker. And there was the architect one. All of them have been duly discussed into the late night hours many times, and all of them have been fodder for hours of laughter and tears, but mostly laughter. So, you see, I like knowing who Louise is bending to her will these days.
So, he's Voldemort, or possibly a drug dealer. Also, he has the same name as her dog, which is a comedy goldmine for me. Apart from all that, he seems like quite a nice person, and Louise keeps urging me to come up and meet him. I think not, I tell her, what if he casts a killing curse at me? What then?
Shut up, she usually tells me.
When I meet him, I will have to bring a chopstick with me, and pretend that it is my wand in the hopes that it will fool him. Bamboo with a core of sesame oil, very bendy. Mostly because of the sesame oil.
Anyway. If you're in the United States and if you live even remotely near Washington D.C.-- which I do, thank you kindly-- you've probably been hearing a lot about the panda cub that was recently born. Well, not recently born; I think he's a couple months old now. We've been totally celebrating for a couple months though, and thumbing our noses at San Diego. San Diego, as I understand, just throws us the finger and talks about general quality of zoo-experience. Any day now, we're probably going to have to throw down with them; zoo trash-talking, go figure.
At any rate, when I watch the news at night there is almost always something about the panda cub. I mean, even on the days when there are terrorist bombings and riots and economic shifts and Very Important Things happening. This isn't just restricted to the slow news days. It's like Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy actually come to life.
Mind you, this doesn't really bother me. Hell, I encourage it. There's enough depressing or rage-worthy things going on in the news that seeing a fuzzy baby panda during it makes up for a hell of a lot. Rather than taking a baseball bat to the screen, I just grit my teeth and sit patiently until I see a panda, and that goes a long way towards relaxing me and making the next segment on the "War on Christmas" or more supposed terrorists easier to sit and grin through.
Anyway, Tai Shan, as glorious and fuzzy as he is, is only one panda. I was watching the news the other night and they decided to dip briefly into news of the Wolong Panda Day Care Center and its sixteen panda cubs. All of them shown in one room.
That is a hell of a lot of concentrated cuteness. I half expected some sort of hole or dent to be made in the time-space continuum, and for the universe to subtly shift a few inches to one side.
I squealed about it online, and twigcollins immediately found a picture.
twigcollins: http://www.sandiegozoo.org/wordpress/index.php?p=146
ThorneScratch: Oh God, that is like mainlining cute. Right into the veins.
twigcollins: I would rather have this than porn. You know, that would be a fucking hilarious experiment. Pandas or porn. Like, you sit down in front of an isolated booth, and can choose to see a picture of pandas, or porn. I'd love to see the results for that
ThorneScratch: Except for the one fucked up person, who thinks they're getting panda porn.
twigcollins: Well, yeah. We can just electrocute that motherfucker.
ThorneScratch: Good screening process. You know, it sounds a bit like a gameshow. Panda Or Porn?
twigcollins: Kind of like, the next step down from Hollywood Squares.
ThorneScratch: Not even for B list celebrities. More like C.
twigcollins: Carrot Top's girlfriend. Some guy who saw Bono from the third row of a concert. Kato Kaelien.
***
ThorneScratch: I know you're probably really busy, but as someone who likes sandwiches, I think you should at least give this a glance sometime.
KadrinHeroSchool: ...that's one of the most cheerful things I've ever heard of.
ThorneScratch: Does it... keep on playing inside you? Also, hi.
KadrinHeroSchool: You would have been transformed by the sandwich into a bearer of goodwill and holiday cheer. You wouldn't be able to sleep, but small price to pay.
ThorneScratch: This is the most technologically advanced sandwich ever. Truly it will be a footnote-- nay, a heading in historical accounts of sandwich accomplishment.
KadrinHeroSchool: History itself will be changed! People will refer to new inventions as "around the time of the invention of the musical sandwich" or "just after the Great Musical Sandwich Wars".
ThorneScratch: The imminent wars, of course. The streets are going to run red with cranberry sauce. You know what would complete it, actually? If you ate the musical sandwich and then washed it down with that holiday flavored soda.
KadrinHeroSchool: Thorne, I think you have just discovered the true meaning of Christmas.
ThorneScratch: Sadly, I'm pretty sure in order to make this a best-selling movie, we need some sort of conflict. Would you be willing to try and steal Christmas first? One million dollars.
KadrinHeroSchool: Oh, I suppose. Am I stealing Christmas the traditional way, through capturing Father Christmas and stealing all the presents? Or is this a "Happy Holidays" war on Christmas controversy thing?
ThorneScratch: It depends. Whatever you deem best, although I myself find the image of you sneaking into every home and stealing every gift, decoration, and scrap of food in order to dump it off a cliff to be rather charming. But that would probably require a lot of airfare. Maybe Baco would be willing to help.
KadrinHeroSchool: Man, though, if Baco helped, Christmas would have no chance.
ThorneScratch: I know. Tell her it's to get back at all the rude customers. They deserve it, anyway.
KadrinHeroSchool:...I totally had something else to say here.
ThorneScratch: Perhaps it was a lie.
KadrinHeroSchool: Ah, yes. In Switzerland, around Christmastime, roving gangs patrol the street, mercilessly throwing pancakes at people. This is based around a misinterpretation of a passage in the Bible: where the KJV of Luke 20:25 says And he said unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto God the things which be God's; the misinterpretation is And he said unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and hit people with pancakes to celebrate the day of my birth. People have protested that it's massively out of place, but that hasn't stopped the pancaking; indeed, many people tacitly endorse the pancaking, since they get free food.
ThorneScratch: ...I would totally endorse a holiday where I got free pancakes. Nine thumbs way up. Although it might depend on the type of pancakes. I mean, there are some undesirable pancakes. And the children run from door to door, singing in exchange for gifts of link sausage and other holiday meats. You'll be taking your sister out to throw her first pancake at someone soon enough. An emotional moment for all.
KadrinHeroSchool: She'll throw with a trembling arm, and very little power, but oh the potential in that glorious pancake arc. As the maple syrup trails out behind it, Mum and I will wipe tears from our eyes, and a halo of lit snow will illuminate Siobhan's little head as she laughs.
ThorneScratch: The magic was in her all along. Possibly, the whole thing will be in slo-mo with an uplifting musical score behind it, which breaks into glorious crescendo when the pancake tumbles along its trajectory and hits its target. The true meaning of Christmas.
KadrinHeroSchool: Is this the right time to point out that all of that was full of lies? Probably not.
ThorneScratch: ...you ruined the moment, Patrick.
KadrinHeroSchool: That's what I do. It is my career. I am paid by the ruined-moment.
ThorneScratch: Are there good health benefits? Do you get dental?
KadrinHeroSchool: My teeth have been replaced by steel cutting jaws.
ThorneScratch: Oh, no. You realize this means if you become a supervillain, they're going to give you a stupid name, like, "The Tooth." (Or teeth.) Because, of course, Jaws is already taken.
KadrinHeroSchool: I've got a plan about that, though. What I'll do is, I'll get a much more visible deformation! Then they'll hang the name on that instead.
ThorneScratch:...like what?
KadrinHeroSchool:...A cybernetic arm. Painted blue. Then they will call me "Ol' Blue Arm".
ThorneScratch: I truly hope that was not a euphemism. But, splendid! Mind your costume doesn't clash.
KadrinHeroSchool: My costume will be mainly blue. But there will be a band around my neck and shoulders of bright, hideous yellow-green.
ThorneScratch: But, but, but, what if instead they decide to call you "Ol' Yellow-Green Neck"? What then?
KadrinHeroSchool: That is not a problem. I am perfectly willing to be "Ol' Yellow-Green Neck". Also, less euphemistic.
ThorneScratch: But you're not old.
KadrinHeroSchool: Or am I?
(I am currently reading an alternate history of Australia in which my state seceded from the Commonwealth in 1975. It's an interesting look, but I'm not sure it'd really happen, and also it's used the words "marital law" rather than "martial law" on many occasions. I am not sure what marital law would be.)
ThorneScratch: *Dun dun DUN!*
(Can't ever know too much about your home place. Maybe marital law involves the army coming in and pairing everyone off, forcing them to marry. Regardless of, you know, age, gender, and all those other factors. Or maybe it just means everyone gets hit on the head with rolling pins a lot.)
KadrinHeroSchool: There's this one bit:
"On New Years Eve, the army & rebels at Newcastle spontaneously organise a One Day Cricket match between their lines. Army wins 198 runs to 176. It is the only victory the army has."
Now, many people would think that's unlikely. However, considering that it's Australia? It would totally happen. Actually, the what-if point this history branches off at is one of the most interesting bits of recent Australian history, that being the Whitlam dismissal. You heard of it?
Man, marital law sounds... I don't even know. I'd rather not be hit on the head with a rolling pin, though.
ThorneScratch: Ha! Wait, is it okay to laugh? If it's okay to laugh, I find that very funny. Although the rules of cricket are so far beyond my comprehension, it's... man. Yeah. But, I am shamefully scanty on my knowledge of Australian history and I would like to know about the Whitlam dismissal.
Well, you know, maybe you'd get lucky. Maybe you'd wind up married to someone very fetching who wouldn't hit you with a rolling pin. I'm running through my mental list of Australian celebrities now. Plus, height rule, dude. You'd probably be in control.
KadrinHeroSchool: It is totally OK to laugh, as it is hilarious. Actually, similar story: in the First World War, in Gallipoli, the Australians and the Turks were very close in their trenches, and when they weren't shooting at each other, they didn't actually mind one another. (They played soccer on Christmas Day.) At one point, during their chatting, the Australians revealed that they had only a little fresh fruit, whereas the Turks had plenty; so, they threw them over. (Trench sieges would probably not work anyway.) Not knowing what to give back, the Australians threw over some of their canned meat - called "bully beef".
Soon afterwards, just about all the bully beef was thrown back.
This is a fairly popular First World War story; it's funny and it also illustrates that tinned rations suck beyond the telling of it.
NEXT: THE WHITLAM DISMISSAL!
ThorneScratch: Then I laugh! Ha ha ha! I heard about that sort of exchange in WWI, although they tend to publicize the British and German trench interactions more. Bully beef sounds like it would make an excellent projectile of sorts. It also sounds mean. Bully beef will kick your ass and make you cry.
Yeah, it's late. But the Whitlam dismissal?!
***
Then he went on to explain the Whitlam dismissal, and in fact, much of current Australian politics.
You know, I think that should be a closing line used more often. "Then he went on to explain the Whitlam dismissal, and in fact, much of current Australian politics." In fanfiction, in cocktail conversation, in mission reports, in pick-up lines, in jokes, everything.
I want to write these meta-ish thoughts I've had lately, on source material in writing and how far we're willing to go in our research and elitism and all sorts of pseudo-intellectual shit. But I need to get up early tomorrow. It can wait. Anyway, this is the rest of the entry. It's mostly what you should expect from me by now. Occasionally I feel badly for anyone who friended me for other purposes, but I comfort myself with the fact they're surely filtering me out by now. Takes a lot of the pressure off.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Sephiroth loves Cloud because Cloud is his thing. This beautiful little secret he can keep safe in a box.
ThorneScratch: Cloud-in-a-box. This year's hot item for Christmas.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: …Sephiroth is going to kill Santa and it's all your fault.
ThorneScratch: Yet another one of those images that Shinra PR will forever rue. Sephiroth killing Santa. Right up there with Sephiroth beating the dolphin.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: It can't be any worse than Sephiroth beating the shi-- minds on same track, right. It must drive Sephiroth nuts that pretty much thanks to him, the entire world now knows how shiny his Cloud is. It wasn't such an issue when he was just going to destroy it. But he just can't seem to pull it off.
ThorneScratch: Did you see Finding Nemo?
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I did. I dread to…
ThorneScratch: He's like that yellow tang, obsessed with the bubbles in the chest.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I hate you.
ThorneScratch: You know, trying to admire them and hide them at the same time.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I should have lied.
ThorneScratch: OH COME ON.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I WAS SAVING THIS MOVIE FOR MY CHILDREN!
ThorneScratch: Can't you see it?
FlidgetJeromeEsq: IT WAS GOING TO BE A PRECIOUS AND UNTARNISHED MEMORY. A SHINING MOMENT OF ETERNAL CHILDHOOD!
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Not a leatherclad yellow tang.
ThorneScratch: Dude, we've already ruined penguins and dolphins and lord knows what else. Bondage fish should not be that bad.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Yes, but for some reason penguins and dolphins aren't that innocent to me. Finding Nemo chokes me up.
ThorneScratch: I think it's all the "Daddy!" cries.
ThorneScratch: You know...
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Hate you.
ThorneScratch: Also, clownfish can change genders.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: So much.
ThorneScratch: I read Gil/Nemo, somewhere.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: Usually the females though, isn't it?
ThorneScratch: Not sure.
FlidgetJeromeEsq: I should sleep now. Maybe if I sleep I'll forget people are writing Finding Nemo fanfic. There's just… there's stories that don't really require continuation or introspection or just … stop that.
***
twigcollins: Yuffie would so run the Nigerian banking scam in her spare time. "Dear sir. My name is Yuffie Kirasagi and I am princess and future ruler of the Kisaragi clan. Unfortunately my father has gone crazy after contracting 8 STDs!"
ThorneScratch: Oh my God, she so would.
twigcollins: Godo: Hey.
twigcollins: Yuffie: What can I say, dad. You're a player.
ThorneScratch: "He is trying to marry me off to the prince of Swaziland."
twigcollins: "If you will assist me I will deposit 800,000 gil in your bank account upon arrival in your town."
twigcollins: And like, she'd get half of ShinRa.
twigcollins: Rufus: Where's the budget?
twigcollins: Tseng: The budget's gone
twigcollins: Rufus: The budget can't just be gone.
ThorneScratch: She'd get the materia, too. You know, half that budget was blown by Reno. The only thing written on the paperwork was "goats". Or possibly "coats" as Reno has terrible handwriting.
twigcollins: Goats - 500,000 gil.
ThorneScratch: Whipped cream - 30 gil.
***
ThorneScratch: He's so confused when he's actually happy.
twigcollins: Yes. Bewildered.
twigcollins: Zack: Yes, that's happiness.
ThorneScratch: Cloud: It's all.... tingly.
ThorneScratch: And then Zack would just hug him. Cloud needed more Zack-hugs; it's just like holding baby pandas. Although I'm sure he got a lot, Zack being Zack.
twigcollins: Yes. Sometimes they were just to make Zack feel better. Like a tribble.
ThorneScratch: It's a symbiotic relationship. Zack hugs make Cloud feel better. And Cloud is too cute to not cheer you up when you hug him.
twigcollins: You can see the happiness gauge filling up.
ThorneScratch: Like a limit break. And when it's full, Cloud actually smiles. Although Zack hugging Sephiroth tends to make Sephiroth more disgruntled and slightly paranoid.
ThorneScratch: "What are you trying to do? What have you done?"
ThorneScratch: I bet the first time Zack tried to hug him, Sephiroth automatically put him in a headlock or threw him across the room.
twigcollins: Yeah. Completely out of instinct.
twigcollins: Zack: You're new to this.
twigcollins: Sephiroth: You were supposed to block.
ThorneScratch: Zack: I guess I should be glad you didn't snap my neck.
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth: I lose more subordinates that way.
twigcollins: Zack announcing himself at the door when he comes in late.
"Seph, I am in your apartment and I am grabbing beer because I left some in here for emergencies and then I will pass out on your couch so don't kill me."
"Seph, I am borrowing your television and also that magazine I left in your bathroom for you."
"Seph, I am unhinging my jaw and tipping all the contents therein into my gullet."
ThorneScratch: "Seph, if anyone asks I've been here all night and also why do you have furniture with such pointy edges because they really hurt to bump into."
twigcollins: "Seph, what happens when you get stuck in your leather pants? If you don't answer I think I'll just sleep here on the floor tonight."
ThorneScratch: "Seph, can I borrow Cloud because I need him for a minute and I know you've got him here somewhere."
twigcollins: "Seph, did you know your room smells exactly like the brig on level 13-D?"
twigcollins: "Seph, I swear I'll clean it all up tomorrow before I leave. Especially the doorknob."
ThorneScratch: "Seph, I would really appreciate it if you would tell Tseng that the goat thing was all Reno's fault and not mine so that he does not shoot me."
ThorneScratch: Zack would trip Cloud into hugging Sephiroth.
Zack: *sticks leg out*
Cloud: *trips* …!?! *grabs*
Cloud: O.o
Sephiroth: o.O
twigcollins: Cloud: I WILL GO CUT OFF MY OWN ARMS SIR.
twigcollins: Zack: He's gonna faint.
ThorneScratch: *whump*
ThorneScratch: Sephiroth: ...it tingles.
twigcollins: Zack: Yeah, it does that. Shit, I need to write this stuff on a card for you two.
twigcollins: "In case of happiness, you may experience tingling. In cases of extreme happiness, the muscles of the face may spasm slightly. We call this 'smiling'. It is not dangerous."
I have to go shopping for Chistmas gifts. The catalogues are failing me, although per their suggestions I am tempted to just get everyone festive holiday meats. Everyone likes festive meat, right? And any meat can be made festive if you slap a bow on it. I tell you, I could get all my shopping done in two aisles of the grocery store; a package of hot dogs apiece with a red ribbon wrapped around. Classy.