You can see me coming from a mile off
Figures the holiday weekend I was going to the beach, it ends up raining like hell. Anyhow, Advent Children recap. Don't get me wrong, I did quite like the movie. But much of this was written late at night when my brain wasn't quite up to snuff. Also, beware blatant favoritism and fawning, as always.
AUDIENCE: This looks familiar. Oh good, they're going to explain how the city got like that.
NANAKI: Yeah, you WISH.
AUDIENCE: *reading fansub* Who the hell is Shion? Oh, TSENG.
Anyhow! You know, Reno in a helicopter has disaster written all over it. I'm sort of wondering how that came about. My best bet is that he grabbed the controls before Tseng noticed, and it all just sort of escalated from there. It's nice, of course, to know that Tseng survived. I think I assumed he died back at that whole Sephiroth-stabbing-him-in-the-Temple-of-the-Ancients debacle, but as always, if you don't see the body I guess it's fair game. I mean, Elena tried to punch you out in Icicle Village for him being dead. So, Tseng's alive, shit's going down, Marlene recaps the game for people who didn't actually play it while the screen-saver-like Lifestream twists and coils in the background.
GAMERS IN AUDIENCE: Old game stock footage! Tifa's boobs! Huzzah!
I'm squinting at all these sick people, trying to figure out what Geostigma actually does. So far, it looks like Geostigma equals unsightly bruising. I suppose that would be a problem for Cloud and his pretty face, but other than that… Well, I'm just gonna assume that it is, in fact, a bad thing. Cloud does seem to be in a fair amount of pain whenever he clutches his arm, but he's really the only one who you see suffering. Rufus supposedly can't walk, but that could be inferred from, you know, getting directly smashed by Diamond Weapon as well as from Geostigma.
***
TIFA: Behold how they made me even hotter, and also a lot more Asian so those fanboys can just double their pleasure. Hmm. We troop all over the planet and make, like, a gazillion gil but God forbid we can get some lights in here. Remember to call Cloud and remind him to pick up lightbulbs.
I miss Tifa's dolphin hair a bit.
***
AUDIENCE: Uh, what’s up with the wolf?
THORNE: *to self* A wolf needs a sword like a fish needs a bicycle. Hee! Wait, that's not funny.
So, Cloud is inflicted with self-existential angst and ignoring his cell phone messages. Fair enough. Where is Healin? Is that supposed to be a village from the original game that just isn't jumping to my mind right now? Meanwhile, the Silver Haired Men hang out and practice their best "Rebel Without a Cause" poses-- you cheap James Dean knockoffs!-- as well as ogle Cloud in a vaguely incestuous way.
Actually, strike that "vaguely".
YAZOO: Until I opened my mouth, you all thought I was a woman, didn't you.
LOZ: *sniffles*
KADAJ: Look, it's our older brother! He's so DREAMY.
YAZOO: Do you think he’ll let us grab his ass?
KADAJ: Only one way to find out!
Yazoo and Loz try to cop a feel off Cloud while Kadaj is content to try shadow-bestiality by proxy from a distance. Kadaj also multitasks with some phone-sex banter with Reno and possibly Rufus. Cloud jacks open his swiss army bike and they all do a motorcycle chase scene that tops the one from the second Matrix. Cloud admirably holds up under an onslaught of people shouting at him about mothers and psycho exes.
AUDIENCE: Hey, Yazoo stole Squall’s gunblade and miniaturized it.
YAZOO: *shoots Cloud point blank in the face and breaks his shades*
CLOUD: OMIGOD SCORCH MARKS ON MY FACE I KEEL YOU.
KADAJ: *mouthing at him from cliffside* Remember my name because you’ll be screaming it later, beautiful.
You know, of all the fanfiction that is suddenly cropping up around the release of Advent Children, one of the stranger (at least to me) fanon beliefs that seem to persist is that Kadaj has to be described as particularly youthful in comparison to… shit, everyone. He's always described as the silver-haired youth, or the silver-haired teen. There's a joke here to be made about drinking games and some of the more common epithets or descriptions-- slender, slim, youth, boy, and pouty being the main offenders-- but it is probably not worth our time.
I find this strange because honestly, to my eyes, Kadaj doesn't look particularly babyish or much younger than the characters he is commonly depicted as interacting with: Cloud, Loz, and Yazoo. To be fair, Loz does look older than Yazoo and Kadaj, and Yazoo is given the deep voice in an attempt to keep evreyone from thinking he's a woman. Cloud goes through spates of looking both older and younger, depending on the scene. I mean, I suppose if you have to single Kadaj out from the rest of the Silver Haired Men (and Squeenix called them the Silver Haired Men first) yes, he is the young one. But if you're perpetually reduced to using stock phrases and epithets to distinguish the characters in your fanfiction piece, you might have bigger problems on your hand.
Also, Cloud doesn't wear a helmet, which can't be very safe.
***
CLOUD: *beep*
BARRET : *on the phone* Oilfield! I am loud and enthusiastic and totally not Mr. T! You have had ample image-spoiling to know in advance that I will be wearing a mesh fishnet shirt in this movie but it will still blow you away when you see it for the first time, later in the film!
CLOUD: *beep*
TIFA: *on the phone* Reno called and they have a commission for you. He seemed a little weird though. I mean, for Reno. Watch out that he doesn’t try to grab your ass.
***
RENO: *lunges for Cloud when he opens the door*
CLOUD: *dodges, and locks him outside*
RENO: I wasn’t going to grab it very hard, yo. Just a little.
RUDE: *looms* …
RENO: *from outside* Rude! YOU try to grab his ass! Uh, yo.
RUFUS: *wheels himself in* Now, now, boys. There'll be plenty of time for ass grabbing later.
***
CLOUD: Rufus? Is that you? What's up with the blanket?
RUFUS: I couldn’t do a THING with my hair this morning. Now, I'm sure you're curious to know how I survived.
CLOUD: Not really. I just took a bullet to the face. I mean, I do this kind of thing five times before breakfast.
RUFUS: Well, I'll tell you anyway. When I--
CLOUD: Why am I here?
RUFUS: When it--
CLOUD: What's up with Reno's gangsta speech patterns?
RUFUS: And then--
CLOUD: Is the meaning of life really forty-two? Why do people keep trying to grab my ass? Also, I'm leaving.
RUFUS: I’M TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE.
SQUEENIX: No, seriously, this way we totally don’t have to explain how he came back.
RENO: *from outside* Is there any ass grabbing going on that I'm missing?
***
RUFUS: Blah blah, vague hints of the plot, make restitution, we went into the Northern Crater because we heard it was full of candy but there was nothing there for you to worry your pretty little head about. Oh, except for those clones who look a lot like your ex.
CLOUD: Names, man. I have a lot of exes.
RUFUS: …The one who tried to destroy the world.
CLOUD: Oh. Well, why’d they attack me?
RUFUS: Perhaps they were after your ass.
RENO: *still outside* I would be, yo!
RUFUS: Seriously, Reno, shut up. So we decided to hire a skilled body guard who would be nice decoration as well. Even though you're a delivery man. You know, I think I saw a porno that started like this, once.
CLOUD: Who's this "mother" they keep talking about? Because I've never heard anyone ranting about finding their mother before. Totally doesn't ring a bell.
AUDIENCE: Oh come ON, it's so obvious.
RUFUS: Like I said, don't worry that pretty little head of yours. Look, Cloud. Please, please, PLEASE join our secret treehouse club? I bet it'll make those orphans real happy, and the skies will rain puppies and rainbows and lollipops.
CLOUD: Well…
RENO: *through crack in the door* We have ritual spanking, yo!
CLOUD: *storms off* I AM SO GONE.
RUDE: …That was the five hundred and seventy ninth meaningful moment that you've ruined, Reno.
***
Tifa and Marlene investigate Cloud's hideyhole, complete with ominous soiled rags. If I were Tifa, I probably would not have let Marlene touch those.
MARLENE: No, I want to see Cloud! I hear he has a nice ass.
TIFA: You are way too young to know things like that. But you're right. We'll wait, grab his ass, and then bring him home for a more leisurely grab.
***
RENO & RUDE: *collapsed on floor* Oh, man, right to the Turk junk!
KADAJ: *complete with big arm gestures* Let me tell you my evil plan! We're gonna have a concert! Like, you know, Woodstock or something! And instead of mosh pits and body paint, we're gonna smear Jenova juice on everyone. C’mon, it’s totally obvious who we are.
***
CLOUD: Damn kids, knocking over my sword. Get off my lawn! Oh God, I miss my dead best friend. Oh man, shouldn’t have had the chicken for lunch, it is totally disagreeing with me. Hey, wait, it's not indigestion, it's a flashback!
ZACK: You'll have to work hard if you want to be a Soldier and learn to grab ass. Hey, I didn't grab you too hard, did I? Because we're friends, right? Special friends. Special friends with special privileges. Uh oh. Run away!
CLOUD: …that was slightly more coherent than he usually was.
***
I rather liked this fight scene, more so with the juxtaposition of the piano music behind it. It was fun to see Tifa be bad-ass. He uses her as a battering ram on several church pews, and hits Tifa with an electric blow that shatters the solid stone pillar behind her, but doesn’t seem to leave much of a mark on her.
The cell phone victory ring was a very nicely timed joke. Also, the materia are pretty damn big. A lot bigger than I thought they were. I always thought they were kind of marble-size, whereas these are like, total softballs. It'd be tough to haul those around the world.
LOZ: *sneezes* I knew I should have brought my inhaler. Let's fight.
TIFA: Damnably lucky thing that I equipped my Spiderman materia.
*Cell phone victory ring*
LOZ: Dude, these roaming rates are gonna kill me. No, I am NOT crying, I just wanna have enough minutes left. Look, YOU were the one who got us this cell phone plan, so you should have thought of the fact that there's three of us and some of us use the phone more. Shut up. No, YOU shut up. Okay, fine, I'll get the thing from the guy in the place. FINE. GOD. …I am so telling on you.
***
CLOUD: This place looks slightly more wrecked up than it usually does. Omigod! Tifa! Who did this?
TIFA: Someone I don't know. But he looked a LOT like Sephiroth. Do you think that’s at all relevant?
Cloud has a Geostigma attack and faceplants into the flowers. Turk molestation seems imminent.
***
RENO: You were heavy, yo.
CLOUD: My ass is sore.
RENO: Yeah, about that…
Kadaj does more Big Arms gestures for the orphans. I was at first confused by the materia melding into the flesh of the arm trick-- it seemed to sort of make armor and weaponry materia slots pointless, which is silly, considering the gameplay. But most everyone I've spoken to has agreed that it is probably much more a Special Clone Trick Only. I still think those oversized materia would look kind of funky jammed in anyone but Cloud's weaponry. Well, actually Barrett's gun looks oversized enough to handle it, but everyone else…
Cloud and Tifa have Discussion That Is Supposed To Be Meaningful, but which really comes off as more badgering on Tifa's part to Save The Damn World Again. I know her catch phrase is the sort of "be strong, try your best" but I can't help thinking that would get a bit old after a while. I mean, you save the world once and suddenly you're caught in a vicious cycle of Saving The World While Undergoing Homoerotic Hijinks.
Also, it's a good thing Reno never takes his pony-tail out, because he'd have a pretty spectacular mullet, otherwise.
***
I was wondering why it was mostly children who had Geostigma and how the hell they got it. I've had debates with a few people on various theories-- that they're the children of experiments, that they're the children of the SOLDIERs, etc. I rather favor the idea that they were exposed to Jenova’s cells from the lifestream that touched the city of Midgar during the whole Meteor escapade. Jenova was defeated and diffused throughout the lifestream before the lifestream rose up to stop the Meteor, but still retained infective qualities. And for some reason, more children than adults got hit. Of course, then you hear Yuffie's cell phone message about all the Wutai children disappearing, which pokes holes in my theory but I don't know, maybe there was lifestream activity in Wutai too.
I haven't a clue where the clones came from. I don't know if they sort of spontaneously generated, or they were more of Hojo's spawn, or what.
Kadaj has great pyrotechnics, and I think it's quite clear that he was destined to become a Baptist Televangelist. When all the children waded into the lake, I kept expecting some of them to suddenly slip down into the depths. But, uh, I guess there's only one hole in the lake deep enough to drop a body into.
DENZEL: Usually, I, uh, DON'T drink water that turns black when someone gets into it. But hey, peer pressure.
AUDIENCE: Dude, corpses have been in that water.
***
Cloud has more inexplicable flashbacks. I still think Aeris’s outfit is kinda ridiculous. The jacket is just… odd. But I do admire her willpower not to fall into the same helpless addiction to black leather that it appears everyone else has. And her good-natured smack upside Cloud's head.
Ninepin bowling with children! And more physics-defying fighting.
CLOUD: Guys, it's called "foreplay".
Cell phone falls in. Vincent, or possibly just Vincent's sentient cape shows up out of nowhere to save Cloud and probably grope him a bit under all that swirling. Man, that cape kicks Spawn's cape's ass. Kadaj is understandably upset and mutters darkly for the rest of the night about being cockblocked by random wardrobe pieces.
***
CLOUD: …And in conclusion, Squeenix is also cashing in on the popularity of the pyrefly and snowfly trend. So. Like, what are you doing out here?
VINCENT: I come here a lot. I heard there was ass to be grabbed.
CLOUD: Was that a pickup line?
VINCENT: *grabs his arm* What do you think?
CLOUD: Well, you did save my life…
VINCENT: I'm going to explain Geostigma now so the audience will think it is more important than just unsightly bruising. Everyone is sick because they've got little pieces of Jenova floating in them, which in turn annoys your immune system. Because, you know, we've all got a little bit of Lifestream in us.
CLOUD: We do?
VINCENT: Would you LIKE a little bit of Lifestream in you?
CLOUD: …Okay, pick-up line aside, you know, we made, like, a gazillion gil from trooping all over the planet, so you could really afford to mend your cape, or even buy a new one. And maybe some real shoes.
VINCENT: Yeah, anyway. I saved Tseng and Elena and we had a big Turk sleepover here in the Forgotten City. I don't know why I bothered, though. Have you seen what that man's done to my beloved Turks corp? I mean, look at Reno alone.
CLOUD: So mother equals Jenova. I never thought of that. Huh.
VINCENT: Yeah, with that head, they could remake Sephiroth. Didja hear that, people? This is called FORESHADOWING.
MARLENE: *pops out of bushes* I'm here to make you give in and Save The Damn World Again. And to make sure Vincent is accessorizing properly.
Cloud and Vincent totally ping the UST vibe, but that's probably just me. I mean, if I were summarizing this movie in a concise way, I'd just say, "Everyone in the entire world wants Cloud, but especially Sephiroth and his boyband."
I did like it that they showed Cloud and Vincent were friends of a sort. And I liked the fact Vincent got a good amount of the dry humor lines in the movie. I imagine they are thinking of potential Dirge of Cerberus buyers. And I really liked Vincent's voice. Actually, all the voices were much better than I thought they would be.
***
CELL PHONE: *dies dramatically*
AUDIENCE: Holy crap, is that Aeris’s dead body the phone is resting next to? Hardcore, Squeenix. Also, there’s that damn wolf again.
I seriously couldn't tell. It could have been rocks or random debris on the bottom of the lake. Or it could have been a dead-looking hand. Hard to say. If it was, man, that sort of makes me want to give Squeenix a bit of a salute. We can't have blood when Aeris gets stabbed through the middle, but by God we can have moldering corpses.
***
I have to wonder vaguely how Kadaj and Loz and Yazoo are transporting all those kids back and forth from their various locations. Last time I checked, the City of the Ancients is a fair distance from Midgar. I'm gonna assume exit materia.
YAZOO & LOZ: Let’s rip this place apart.
RENO: Hold up there, Action Jackson. I'd ask what you're doing, but it's, like, obvious, so I'll just skip ahead to why are you here?
LOZ & YAZOO: Mom's under there! She's gotta be! Why else would Rufus build a sculpture of the plate in the middle of the city, aside from reminding all the people that any day now there is the possibility another plate section could be dropped and crush them like bugs?
RENO: Man, you guys are so lucky you can live off your looks. Yeah, you gonna take that?
RUDE: Oh SNAP.
YAZOO: Yeah, well, your boss doesn't trust you!
LOZ: Yeah!
RENO & RUDE: RAR!
***
Moving along. Rufus and Kadaj hang out on top of a very high building-- Shinra Tower? The part that wasn't blown up? I have no idea. I do wonder how Rufus got his wheelchair up there, as I imagine post-destruction!Midgar is not particularly handicap friendly. I rather think they eased into their conversation-- maybe spat on some people from above and dropped a few gil before getting down to business.
RUFUS: First off, I swear to God, I will smack you if you don't stop humming "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind.
KADAJ: Yeah, well, my MOM says I'm a good singer. My mom likes me best! Better even than Sephiroth! I think. She's been talking about him an awful lot lately… And she always brags about him more than me… And she put his picture two and three-fourths inches in front of mine on her desk…
RUFUS: Your mom is… anyway, about that Jenova stuff. History repeats itself and so that’s why we’ll stop you.
KADAJ: That’s a stupid argument. You're stupid! I AM TAKING MY BALLS AND GOING HOME. By balls, I mean materia, of course.
DIEHARD GAMERS IN AUDIENCE: Hey, only the red materia summon creatures. He's using a green one.
BAHAMUT: *is kinda hokey looking* RAR!
***
I loved the Reno and Rude antics. I mean, I did love nearly every second the Turks were onscreen, although I'm really not too invested in them. Possibly, that's why-- I had no expectations for them and haven't been following Before Crisis nearly as close as I've been following Advent Children. I do find certain attitudes strange-- one of which being someone's comment that Reno's clumsiness and facial expressions in AC meant he was rather more uke-ish.
The Turks were definitely the comedy relief of Advent Children, but I don't think that makes one necessarily more uke or seme. But, different strokes for different folks. I loved the Reno and Rude friendship and partnership-- "aibo", and the accidental whacks to the face, and fighting back to back, and the sunglasses, and running away from Bahamut… it goes on.
And yes, I did like that they saved the kids.
RENO: *gets fingers shoved up nostrils* Oi, you ungrateful brat, I should have left you as assorted Bahamut snack food.
YAZOO: Isn't this fun?
RENO: Who's got the Spiderman materia now, bitch? Also, I know kung fu.
YAZOO & LOZ & RENO & RUDE: *fighting, with the occasional mother query, or on Reno's part, mother joke.*
RENO: You know it's just a DISEMBODIED HEAD.
YAZOO: WHATCHOO SAY ABOUT MY MOMMA?
LOZ: OH NO YOU DI'INT.
***
Denzel tries to kick Bahamut in the shin, and we finally see Barrett's mesh shirt in all its glory. Squeenix works its fans shamelessly by throwing in everyone from the game who hasn't made an appearance yet, each with their own line meant to encompass and introduce their personality and activity from the game. Vincent makes off with the best line. Tifa and Denzel just sort of stand there because they can't go anywhere until Cloud shows up so they can have more Metaphoric-Laid banter. Allowing Denzel to run back to the bar unaccompanied seems on the same brain length as leaving Marlene in charge of the bar at the beginning of the game, but hey.
BARRET: Mesh shirt! Running out of ammo at awkward times!
CAIT SITH: Totally scared! And I ride on Nanaki because even Squeenix knew having me bouncing around on a mog would push the limits of believeability!
NANAKI: Er, right, I growl a lot?
YUFFIE: Airsickness! And materia! Ooh, yeah, I get TWO personality notes, because I'm totally gonna be in Dirge of Cerberus.
CID: I am Cid Fucking Highwind, and don't you pansy-ass surface-dwellers forget about it.
VINCENT: Where's the phone store?
CLOUD: My burden's worn away. But there appears to be a whole new one ready to take up and to embrace.
YUFFIE: Incidentally, I swiped your Spiderman materia, Tifa.
***
RUFUS: *stands up and high-dives off the building* FOOLED YOUUUU.
KADAJ: Ma! I'm coming, Ma!
AUDIENCE: Wait, if Jenova’s head is in that tiny little box… does that make her a pinhead? Well, I see Sephiroth didn't have a lot to carry.
***
I was trying to gear myself up to make jokes about how AVALANCHE all throws Cloud higher, but I can't do it. I actually liked that scene a lot, as blatantly symbolic and physics defying as it was. I mean, it has heart, that scene. The order of throwing was, let me see… Barret, Cid, Nanaki and Cait, Yuffie, Vincent, Tifa, and Aeris. Apropos of nothing, I thought they kept the Tifa and Aeris balance pretty even and handled it more diplomatically than I thought they would. I liked Vincent's "Fly!" and the music for the whole scene is my most second played track in the OST. No guesses as to what the first is.
My one complaint about the scene is that at the end, when Cloud reaches for Aeris's hand? A nice tie-in to the game, but if Squeenix had wanted to really destroy me, they would have shown Cloud getting to grab Zack's hand as well. Because really, Zack got almost as much focus as Aeris did when it came to wanting to be forgiven and making promises to live, and having both him and Aeris give Cloud that final boost up would have been a grand touch, in my opinion.
***
Rufus and Kadaj are meanwhile playing Matrix slo-mo shooting and falling games, although the mind suffers when it imagines either of them as Trinity or Neo. I was glad Tseng and Elena both got their two-second cameos and saved Rufus besides, and really, I did like seeing the Turks all bonded together.
RENO: *clambers up to get Rufus down*
RUDE: *tries the same and falls on his ass*
RENO: Forget to equip your Spiderman materia, huh?
RUDE: …Yes.
***
More motorcycle hijinks. They fight and grab each other and grapple for dominance inside a tunnel.
CLOUD: The symbolism of this is not lost on me.
Reno and Rude stand outside the tunnel with homemade dynamite and have hilarious conversations, culminating in spectacular fireworks.
CLOUD: *blows by Reno and Rude* No time for ass grabbing! Back later! OMIGOD, you people should really finish building your freeways.
Kadaj leers some more, there's more rainbows in the fireworks, and Cloud celebrates getting his groove back by ripping off his sleeve. Kadaj parks his motorcycle in the church, breaking at least seventeen laws about what you can and can't do in a church, and then gets all pissy that his Can O' Jenova sprung a leak. Cloud blows in, breaking all the rest of the church etiquette laws, and they fight.
AUDIENCE: How are there any flowers left growing there at ALL?
Squeenix sends in the deus ex machina of Aeris and the mystical rain, although as soranokumo points out, it's really more dea ex machina. Cloud heals and says a wistful goodbye to his best source of emo inspiration.
KADAJ: IT BURNS!
CLOUD: I wonder if I should write about this in my livejournal later.
Kadaj tear-asses out of the church and looks like he's about to have a Hamlet-like soliloquy, complete with skull/severed alien head in one hand. Cloud shows up and Squeenix further squeezes the fans with the puppet line.
KADAJ: Mother will tell me what to do!
CLOUD: …You’re taking your orders from a head in a box? A tiny head?
KADAJ: Oh shut UP, puppet-boy.
***
CID: CID FUCKING HIGHWIND.
YUFFIE: Cloud's fighting a bug?
CAIT SITH: I hear there are medicated shampoos for that.
BARRET: We could go help him.
VINCENT: Or we could stand here and admire his ass.
TIFA: I have to say, I'm with Vincent on this one.
AVALANCHE: Meh, let’s let Cloud do all the work.
TIFA: Cloud was all inspired two years ago, and then he lost it. Possibly because we made him pick up pizza for us too many times. But, I mean, he WAS the only one who owned a bike and have you seen the gasoline bills for an airship?
***
KADAJ: *bathes in goop* I’ll show you my "reunion."
CLOUD: You know, that line was a lot more impressive when Sephiroth used it.
SEPHIROTH: Gimme me some sugar, baby.
CLOUD: …Well, I certainly did not see this coming.
***
And thus we come to the most rewatched bit of Advent Children by far. I swear, the whole thing is one long running homoerotic grapple between Cloud and Sephiroth. I've really said just about everything I mean to say about this bit in previous AIM exchanges. It just seemed like one big excuse for Sephiroth to come back and get it on with Cloud. Sephiroth has the grabbiest hands EVER.
SEPHIROTH: My desire is this, Cloud. To use this Planet as a ship to travel through the darkness of the universe. Just like Mother did long ago.
CLOUD: …So you want to be a space pirate. Just like your mom.
Sephiroth goes on about his motivations and goals. It totally sounds like he wants Cloud to do all this new paradise stuff with him. He woos Cloud with the temptation of space piracy, which I must say, would totally work on me. When Cloud asks, "What happens to the planet?" Sephiroth seems to… uh, not really care, as long as he gets Cloud booty and piracy.
SEPHIROTH: You look good. What made you stronger?
CLOUD: *bashfully* Well, I have been working out. Whoops. I mean, rar!
SEPHIROTH: I thought of what to give you as a gift. Shall I give you despair? Or how about big flaming chunks of rock? Or WANG?
CLOUD: Bad touch! Bad touch!
SEPHIROTH: Kneel down, and show me how you look begging for mercy.
There can't be anything better than that line. All I can picture though is Cloud internally grumbling, "What, like you've already forgotten two years later? You never wrote. You never called. You could have sent flowers, not dopey clones."
AUDIENCE: Why Nomura, you fanboy, you.
NOMURA: Whaaaaaat?
Er, let's see. Phallic weapons, wall-pinning, penetration jokes, rainbows when the swords hit, throat-grabbing, Sephiroth walking off an Omnislash in grand Monty Python fashion, the wing thing, Cloud asking Sephiroth to say in his "special" memories, and Sephiroth pretty much promising that he's going to be coming back whenever he damn well pleases or at least when he finds some better looking clones. Right-o.
I did like Kadaj's tortured "Niisan…" gasp. And Aeris coming to guide him back.
***
*Rain falls. Everyone lives.*
AVALANCHE: Hooray!
CAIT SITH: Cloud’s a man!
AUDIENCE: *squinting* Are you… sure about that?
TIFA: You were always with us, weren't you? Thank you… Spiderman.
***
CLOUD: I feel like I'm in a Pantene Pro V commercial. Well, might as well make the most of it, considering Squeenix blew, like, all the budget on rendering my hair.
YAZOO: *shoots him through the chest*
CLOUD: …well, shit.
YAZOO: Let’s all go home together, wink wink, nudge nudge.
LOZ: Let's all have fun together, if you know what I mean and I think you DO.
CLOUD: *stabbity* Man, this movie is one long homoerotic tussle. Thanks, Nomura, for leaving my sexuality up for grabs to anything that comes along and is capable of groping.
NOMURA: No problem.
YAZOO & LOZ: *dissolve* So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, fuck you.
AUDIENCE: Dude, he just got shot RIGHT THROUGH THE CHEST. Is he going to walk that off too?
I thought the scene going from color to black and white when Cloud gets shot was a subtle but really nice touch, both for dramatic purposes and also almost like a nod to the Zack ending. I could have totally gone for more Zack images in the film, but since Crisis Core is supposed to be about him, I suppose they're rationing him out. Regardless, I liked the Zack and Aeris bantering with Cloud while he was unconscious, and Aeris stroking his forehead, and like soranokumo said, Cloud's identification of Aeris with his mother fits into the game's original maternal implications that the creators were trying for. I would have been seriously annoyed if Cloud died, but really, I can't help wondering how much longer until he has to save the world AGAIN.
AERIS: Aww, he's so cute when he's barely conscious and clinging to life.
ZACK: Sorry, kiddo, not time yet. But cheer up, I'm always with you. Especially in the shower.
AUDIENCE: Seriously, what is up with that wolf?
I wonder that too. Is it supposed to stand for, um, Cloud's nature, or Zack's nature or… you know, never mind.
***
CLOUD: *wakes up in water, surrounded by children* Oof. Someone's hand is on my ass. Heeeeey, you all tried to kill me not so long ago. Well, bygones will be bygones.
TIFA: Go on, you don't want to have unsightly bruising forever, do you?
DENZEL: I dunno. With everyone else healed, I can totally be the most emo one in the film, since I can't be the cutest.
CLOUD: No one out-emo's me, kid. Get in the damn water.
Isn't anyone concerned about the potential chemical runoff in that water? This IS Midgar we are in, folks.
***
AERIS: So, you're all right now, right?
CLOUD: Well, Sephiroth pretty much as good as said he could come back at any time, and now I don't have Geostigma as an excuse to avoid people, and they're all going to go back to making me pick up the pizza when we order out, and Rufus and the Turks are probably gonna pull something soon. So, um, no.
AERIS: Right, see ya!
ZACK: *waves*
CLOUD: I'm not alone anymore… because the fangirls are coming.
I had the "HOLY SHIT I NEED TO WORK ON MY FICATHON PIECE!" panic attack today. So of course, all I've been messing around with are FFVII and AC pieces. It seems the most logical thing to do. I'm refraining myself from posting more AIM, but only barely. It's just easier to post AIM than to actually write this sort of thing out.
AUDIENCE: This looks familiar. Oh good, they're going to explain how the city got like that.
NANAKI: Yeah, you WISH.
AUDIENCE: *reading fansub* Who the hell is Shion? Oh, TSENG.
Anyhow! You know, Reno in a helicopter has disaster written all over it. I'm sort of wondering how that came about. My best bet is that he grabbed the controls before Tseng noticed, and it all just sort of escalated from there. It's nice, of course, to know that Tseng survived. I think I assumed he died back at that whole Sephiroth-stabbing-him-in-the-Temple-of-the-Ancients debacle, but as always, if you don't see the body I guess it's fair game. I mean, Elena tried to punch you out in Icicle Village for him being dead. So, Tseng's alive, shit's going down, Marlene recaps the game for people who didn't actually play it while the screen-saver-like Lifestream twists and coils in the background.
GAMERS IN AUDIENCE: Old game stock footage! Tifa's boobs! Huzzah!
I'm squinting at all these sick people, trying to figure out what Geostigma actually does. So far, it looks like Geostigma equals unsightly bruising. I suppose that would be a problem for Cloud and his pretty face, but other than that… Well, I'm just gonna assume that it is, in fact, a bad thing. Cloud does seem to be in a fair amount of pain whenever he clutches his arm, but he's really the only one who you see suffering. Rufus supposedly can't walk, but that could be inferred from, you know, getting directly smashed by Diamond Weapon as well as from Geostigma.
***
TIFA: Behold how they made me even hotter, and also a lot more Asian so those fanboys can just double their pleasure. Hmm. We troop all over the planet and make, like, a gazillion gil but God forbid we can get some lights in here. Remember to call Cloud and remind him to pick up lightbulbs.
I miss Tifa's dolphin hair a bit.
***
AUDIENCE: Uh, what’s up with the wolf?
THORNE: *to self* A wolf needs a sword like a fish needs a bicycle. Hee! Wait, that's not funny.
So, Cloud is inflicted with self-existential angst and ignoring his cell phone messages. Fair enough. Where is Healin? Is that supposed to be a village from the original game that just isn't jumping to my mind right now? Meanwhile, the Silver Haired Men hang out and practice their best "Rebel Without a Cause" poses-- you cheap James Dean knockoffs!-- as well as ogle Cloud in a vaguely incestuous way.
Actually, strike that "vaguely".
YAZOO: Until I opened my mouth, you all thought I was a woman, didn't you.
LOZ: *sniffles*
KADAJ: Look, it's our older brother! He's so DREAMY.
YAZOO: Do you think he’ll let us grab his ass?
KADAJ: Only one way to find out!
Yazoo and Loz try to cop a feel off Cloud while Kadaj is content to try shadow-bestiality by proxy from a distance. Kadaj also multitasks with some phone-sex banter with Reno and possibly Rufus. Cloud jacks open his swiss army bike and they all do a motorcycle chase scene that tops the one from the second Matrix. Cloud admirably holds up under an onslaught of people shouting at him about mothers and psycho exes.
AUDIENCE: Hey, Yazoo stole Squall’s gunblade and miniaturized it.
YAZOO: *shoots Cloud point blank in the face and breaks his shades*
CLOUD: OMIGOD SCORCH MARKS ON MY FACE I KEEL YOU.
KADAJ: *mouthing at him from cliffside* Remember my name because you’ll be screaming it later, beautiful.
You know, of all the fanfiction that is suddenly cropping up around the release of Advent Children, one of the stranger (at least to me) fanon beliefs that seem to persist is that Kadaj has to be described as particularly youthful in comparison to… shit, everyone. He's always described as the silver-haired youth, or the silver-haired teen. There's a joke here to be made about drinking games and some of the more common epithets or descriptions-- slender, slim, youth, boy, and pouty being the main offenders-- but it is probably not worth our time.
I find this strange because honestly, to my eyes, Kadaj doesn't look particularly babyish or much younger than the characters he is commonly depicted as interacting with: Cloud, Loz, and Yazoo. To be fair, Loz does look older than Yazoo and Kadaj, and Yazoo is given the deep voice in an attempt to keep evreyone from thinking he's a woman. Cloud goes through spates of looking both older and younger, depending on the scene. I mean, I suppose if you have to single Kadaj out from the rest of the Silver Haired Men (and Squeenix called them the Silver Haired Men first) yes, he is the young one. But if you're perpetually reduced to using stock phrases and epithets to distinguish the characters in your fanfiction piece, you might have bigger problems on your hand.
Also, Cloud doesn't wear a helmet, which can't be very safe.
***
CLOUD: *beep*
BARRET : *on the phone* Oilfield! I am loud and enthusiastic and totally not Mr. T! You have had ample image-spoiling to know in advance that I will be wearing a mesh fishnet shirt in this movie but it will still blow you away when you see it for the first time, later in the film!
CLOUD: *beep*
TIFA: *on the phone* Reno called and they have a commission for you. He seemed a little weird though. I mean, for Reno. Watch out that he doesn’t try to grab your ass.
***
RENO: *lunges for Cloud when he opens the door*
CLOUD: *dodges, and locks him outside*
RENO: I wasn’t going to grab it very hard, yo. Just a little.
RUDE: *looms* …
RENO: *from outside* Rude! YOU try to grab his ass! Uh, yo.
RUFUS: *wheels himself in* Now, now, boys. There'll be plenty of time for ass grabbing later.
***
CLOUD: Rufus? Is that you? What's up with the blanket?
RUFUS: I couldn’t do a THING with my hair this morning. Now, I'm sure you're curious to know how I survived.
CLOUD: Not really. I just took a bullet to the face. I mean, I do this kind of thing five times before breakfast.
RUFUS: Well, I'll tell you anyway. When I--
CLOUD: Why am I here?
RUFUS: When it--
CLOUD: What's up with Reno's gangsta speech patterns?
RUFUS: And then--
CLOUD: Is the meaning of life really forty-two? Why do people keep trying to grab my ass? Also, I'm leaving.
RUFUS: I’M TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE.
SQUEENIX: No, seriously, this way we totally don’t have to explain how he came back.
RENO: *from outside* Is there any ass grabbing going on that I'm missing?
***
RUFUS: Blah blah, vague hints of the plot, make restitution, we went into the Northern Crater because we heard it was full of candy but there was nothing there for you to worry your pretty little head about. Oh, except for those clones who look a lot like your ex.
CLOUD: Names, man. I have a lot of exes.
RUFUS: …The one who tried to destroy the world.
CLOUD: Oh. Well, why’d they attack me?
RUFUS: Perhaps they were after your ass.
RENO: *still outside* I would be, yo!
RUFUS: Seriously, Reno, shut up. So we decided to hire a skilled body guard who would be nice decoration as well. Even though you're a delivery man. You know, I think I saw a porno that started like this, once.
CLOUD: Who's this "mother" they keep talking about? Because I've never heard anyone ranting about finding their mother before. Totally doesn't ring a bell.
AUDIENCE: Oh come ON, it's so obvious.
RUFUS: Like I said, don't worry that pretty little head of yours. Look, Cloud. Please, please, PLEASE join our secret treehouse club? I bet it'll make those orphans real happy, and the skies will rain puppies and rainbows and lollipops.
CLOUD: Well…
RENO: *through crack in the door* We have ritual spanking, yo!
CLOUD: *storms off* I AM SO GONE.
RUDE: …That was the five hundred and seventy ninth meaningful moment that you've ruined, Reno.
***
Tifa and Marlene investigate Cloud's hideyhole, complete with ominous soiled rags. If I were Tifa, I probably would not have let Marlene touch those.
MARLENE: No, I want to see Cloud! I hear he has a nice ass.
TIFA: You are way too young to know things like that. But you're right. We'll wait, grab his ass, and then bring him home for a more leisurely grab.
***
RENO & RUDE: *collapsed on floor* Oh, man, right to the Turk junk!
KADAJ: *complete with big arm gestures* Let me tell you my evil plan! We're gonna have a concert! Like, you know, Woodstock or something! And instead of mosh pits and body paint, we're gonna smear Jenova juice on everyone. C’mon, it’s totally obvious who we are.
***
CLOUD: Damn kids, knocking over my sword. Get off my lawn! Oh God, I miss my dead best friend. Oh man, shouldn’t have had the chicken for lunch, it is totally disagreeing with me. Hey, wait, it's not indigestion, it's a flashback!
ZACK: You'll have to work hard if you want to be a Soldier and learn to grab ass. Hey, I didn't grab you too hard, did I? Because we're friends, right? Special friends. Special friends with special privileges. Uh oh. Run away!
CLOUD: …that was slightly more coherent than he usually was.
***
I rather liked this fight scene, more so with the juxtaposition of the piano music behind it. It was fun to see Tifa be bad-ass. He uses her as a battering ram on several church pews, and hits Tifa with an electric blow that shatters the solid stone pillar behind her, but doesn’t seem to leave much of a mark on her.
The cell phone victory ring was a very nicely timed joke. Also, the materia are pretty damn big. A lot bigger than I thought they were. I always thought they were kind of marble-size, whereas these are like, total softballs. It'd be tough to haul those around the world.
LOZ: *sneezes* I knew I should have brought my inhaler. Let's fight.
TIFA: Damnably lucky thing that I equipped my Spiderman materia.
*Cell phone victory ring*
LOZ: Dude, these roaming rates are gonna kill me. No, I am NOT crying, I just wanna have enough minutes left. Look, YOU were the one who got us this cell phone plan, so you should have thought of the fact that there's three of us and some of us use the phone more. Shut up. No, YOU shut up. Okay, fine, I'll get the thing from the guy in the place. FINE. GOD. …I am so telling on you.
***
CLOUD: This place looks slightly more wrecked up than it usually does. Omigod! Tifa! Who did this?
TIFA: Someone I don't know. But he looked a LOT like Sephiroth. Do you think that’s at all relevant?
Cloud has a Geostigma attack and faceplants into the flowers. Turk molestation seems imminent.
***
RENO: You were heavy, yo.
CLOUD: My ass is sore.
RENO: Yeah, about that…
Kadaj does more Big Arms gestures for the orphans. I was at first confused by the materia melding into the flesh of the arm trick-- it seemed to sort of make armor and weaponry materia slots pointless, which is silly, considering the gameplay. But most everyone I've spoken to has agreed that it is probably much more a Special Clone Trick Only. I still think those oversized materia would look kind of funky jammed in anyone but Cloud's weaponry. Well, actually Barrett's gun looks oversized enough to handle it, but everyone else…
Cloud and Tifa have Discussion That Is Supposed To Be Meaningful, but which really comes off as more badgering on Tifa's part to Save The Damn World Again. I know her catch phrase is the sort of "be strong, try your best" but I can't help thinking that would get a bit old after a while. I mean, you save the world once and suddenly you're caught in a vicious cycle of Saving The World While Undergoing Homoerotic Hijinks.
Also, it's a good thing Reno never takes his pony-tail out, because he'd have a pretty spectacular mullet, otherwise.
***
I was wondering why it was mostly children who had Geostigma and how the hell they got it. I've had debates with a few people on various theories-- that they're the children of experiments, that they're the children of the SOLDIERs, etc. I rather favor the idea that they were exposed to Jenova’s cells from the lifestream that touched the city of Midgar during the whole Meteor escapade. Jenova was defeated and diffused throughout the lifestream before the lifestream rose up to stop the Meteor, but still retained infective qualities. And for some reason, more children than adults got hit. Of course, then you hear Yuffie's cell phone message about all the Wutai children disappearing, which pokes holes in my theory but I don't know, maybe there was lifestream activity in Wutai too.
I haven't a clue where the clones came from. I don't know if they sort of spontaneously generated, or they were more of Hojo's spawn, or what.
Kadaj has great pyrotechnics, and I think it's quite clear that he was destined to become a Baptist Televangelist. When all the children waded into the lake, I kept expecting some of them to suddenly slip down into the depths. But, uh, I guess there's only one hole in the lake deep enough to drop a body into.
DENZEL: Usually, I, uh, DON'T drink water that turns black when someone gets into it. But hey, peer pressure.
AUDIENCE: Dude, corpses have been in that water.
***
Cloud has more inexplicable flashbacks. I still think Aeris’s outfit is kinda ridiculous. The jacket is just… odd. But I do admire her willpower not to fall into the same helpless addiction to black leather that it appears everyone else has. And her good-natured smack upside Cloud's head.
Ninepin bowling with children! And more physics-defying fighting.
CLOUD: Guys, it's called "foreplay".
Cell phone falls in. Vincent, or possibly just Vincent's sentient cape shows up out of nowhere to save Cloud and probably grope him a bit under all that swirling. Man, that cape kicks Spawn's cape's ass. Kadaj is understandably upset and mutters darkly for the rest of the night about being cockblocked by random wardrobe pieces.
***
CLOUD: …And in conclusion, Squeenix is also cashing in on the popularity of the pyrefly and snowfly trend. So. Like, what are you doing out here?
VINCENT: I come here a lot. I heard there was ass to be grabbed.
CLOUD: Was that a pickup line?
VINCENT: *grabs his arm* What do you think?
CLOUD: Well, you did save my life…
VINCENT: I'm going to explain Geostigma now so the audience will think it is more important than just unsightly bruising. Everyone is sick because they've got little pieces of Jenova floating in them, which in turn annoys your immune system. Because, you know, we've all got a little bit of Lifestream in us.
CLOUD: We do?
VINCENT: Would you LIKE a little bit of Lifestream in you?
CLOUD: …Okay, pick-up line aside, you know, we made, like, a gazillion gil from trooping all over the planet, so you could really afford to mend your cape, or even buy a new one. And maybe some real shoes.
VINCENT: Yeah, anyway. I saved Tseng and Elena and we had a big Turk sleepover here in the Forgotten City. I don't know why I bothered, though. Have you seen what that man's done to my beloved Turks corp? I mean, look at Reno alone.
CLOUD: So mother equals Jenova. I never thought of that. Huh.
VINCENT: Yeah, with that head, they could remake Sephiroth. Didja hear that, people? This is called FORESHADOWING.
MARLENE: *pops out of bushes* I'm here to make you give in and Save The Damn World Again. And to make sure Vincent is accessorizing properly.
Cloud and Vincent totally ping the UST vibe, but that's probably just me. I mean, if I were summarizing this movie in a concise way, I'd just say, "Everyone in the entire world wants Cloud, but especially Sephiroth and his boyband."
I did like it that they showed Cloud and Vincent were friends of a sort. And I liked the fact Vincent got a good amount of the dry humor lines in the movie. I imagine they are thinking of potential Dirge of Cerberus buyers. And I really liked Vincent's voice. Actually, all the voices were much better than I thought they would be.
***
CELL PHONE: *dies dramatically*
AUDIENCE: Holy crap, is that Aeris’s dead body the phone is resting next to? Hardcore, Squeenix. Also, there’s that damn wolf again.
I seriously couldn't tell. It could have been rocks or random debris on the bottom of the lake. Or it could have been a dead-looking hand. Hard to say. If it was, man, that sort of makes me want to give Squeenix a bit of a salute. We can't have blood when Aeris gets stabbed through the middle, but by God we can have moldering corpses.
***
I have to wonder vaguely how Kadaj and Loz and Yazoo are transporting all those kids back and forth from their various locations. Last time I checked, the City of the Ancients is a fair distance from Midgar. I'm gonna assume exit materia.
YAZOO & LOZ: Let’s rip this place apart.
RENO: Hold up there, Action Jackson. I'd ask what you're doing, but it's, like, obvious, so I'll just skip ahead to why are you here?
LOZ & YAZOO: Mom's under there! She's gotta be! Why else would Rufus build a sculpture of the plate in the middle of the city, aside from reminding all the people that any day now there is the possibility another plate section could be dropped and crush them like bugs?
RENO: Man, you guys are so lucky you can live off your looks. Yeah, you gonna take that?
RUDE: Oh SNAP.
YAZOO: Yeah, well, your boss doesn't trust you!
LOZ: Yeah!
RENO & RUDE: RAR!
***
Moving along. Rufus and Kadaj hang out on top of a very high building-- Shinra Tower? The part that wasn't blown up? I have no idea. I do wonder how Rufus got his wheelchair up there, as I imagine post-destruction!Midgar is not particularly handicap friendly. I rather think they eased into their conversation-- maybe spat on some people from above and dropped a few gil before getting down to business.
RUFUS: First off, I swear to God, I will smack you if you don't stop humming "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind.
KADAJ: Yeah, well, my MOM says I'm a good singer. My mom likes me best! Better even than Sephiroth! I think. She's been talking about him an awful lot lately… And she always brags about him more than me… And she put his picture two and three-fourths inches in front of mine on her desk…
RUFUS: Your mom is… anyway, about that Jenova stuff. History repeats itself and so that’s why we’ll stop you.
KADAJ: That’s a stupid argument. You're stupid! I AM TAKING MY BALLS AND GOING HOME. By balls, I mean materia, of course.
DIEHARD GAMERS IN AUDIENCE: Hey, only the red materia summon creatures. He's using a green one.
BAHAMUT: *is kinda hokey looking* RAR!
***
I loved the Reno and Rude antics. I mean, I did love nearly every second the Turks were onscreen, although I'm really not too invested in them. Possibly, that's why-- I had no expectations for them and haven't been following Before Crisis nearly as close as I've been following Advent Children. I do find certain attitudes strange-- one of which being someone's comment that Reno's clumsiness and facial expressions in AC meant he was rather more uke-ish.
The Turks were definitely the comedy relief of Advent Children, but I don't think that makes one necessarily more uke or seme. But, different strokes for different folks. I loved the Reno and Rude friendship and partnership-- "aibo", and the accidental whacks to the face, and fighting back to back, and the sunglasses, and running away from Bahamut… it goes on.
And yes, I did like that they saved the kids.
RENO: *gets fingers shoved up nostrils* Oi, you ungrateful brat, I should have left you as assorted Bahamut snack food.
YAZOO: Isn't this fun?
RENO: Who's got the Spiderman materia now, bitch? Also, I know kung fu.
YAZOO & LOZ & RENO & RUDE: *fighting, with the occasional mother query, or on Reno's part, mother joke.*
RENO: You know it's just a DISEMBODIED HEAD.
YAZOO: WHATCHOO SAY ABOUT MY MOMMA?
LOZ: OH NO YOU DI'INT.
***
Denzel tries to kick Bahamut in the shin, and we finally see Barrett's mesh shirt in all its glory. Squeenix works its fans shamelessly by throwing in everyone from the game who hasn't made an appearance yet, each with their own line meant to encompass and introduce their personality and activity from the game. Vincent makes off with the best line. Tifa and Denzel just sort of stand there because they can't go anywhere until Cloud shows up so they can have more Metaphoric-Laid banter. Allowing Denzel to run back to the bar unaccompanied seems on the same brain length as leaving Marlene in charge of the bar at the beginning of the game, but hey.
BARRET: Mesh shirt! Running out of ammo at awkward times!
CAIT SITH: Totally scared! And I ride on Nanaki because even Squeenix knew having me bouncing around on a mog would push the limits of believeability!
NANAKI: Er, right, I growl a lot?
YUFFIE: Airsickness! And materia! Ooh, yeah, I get TWO personality notes, because I'm totally gonna be in Dirge of Cerberus.
CID: I am Cid Fucking Highwind, and don't you pansy-ass surface-dwellers forget about it.
VINCENT: Where's the phone store?
CLOUD: My burden's worn away. But there appears to be a whole new one ready to take up and to embrace.
YUFFIE: Incidentally, I swiped your Spiderman materia, Tifa.
***
RUFUS: *stands up and high-dives off the building* FOOLED YOUUUU.
KADAJ: Ma! I'm coming, Ma!
AUDIENCE: Wait, if Jenova’s head is in that tiny little box… does that make her a pinhead? Well, I see Sephiroth didn't have a lot to carry.
***
I was trying to gear myself up to make jokes about how AVALANCHE all throws Cloud higher, but I can't do it. I actually liked that scene a lot, as blatantly symbolic and physics defying as it was. I mean, it has heart, that scene. The order of throwing was, let me see… Barret, Cid, Nanaki and Cait, Yuffie, Vincent, Tifa, and Aeris. Apropos of nothing, I thought they kept the Tifa and Aeris balance pretty even and handled it more diplomatically than I thought they would. I liked Vincent's "Fly!" and the music for the whole scene is my most second played track in the OST. No guesses as to what the first is.
My one complaint about the scene is that at the end, when Cloud reaches for Aeris's hand? A nice tie-in to the game, but if Squeenix had wanted to really destroy me, they would have shown Cloud getting to grab Zack's hand as well. Because really, Zack got almost as much focus as Aeris did when it came to wanting to be forgiven and making promises to live, and having both him and Aeris give Cloud that final boost up would have been a grand touch, in my opinion.
***
Rufus and Kadaj are meanwhile playing Matrix slo-mo shooting and falling games, although the mind suffers when it imagines either of them as Trinity or Neo. I was glad Tseng and Elena both got their two-second cameos and saved Rufus besides, and really, I did like seeing the Turks all bonded together.
RENO: *clambers up to get Rufus down*
RUDE: *tries the same and falls on his ass*
RENO: Forget to equip your Spiderman materia, huh?
RUDE: …Yes.
***
More motorcycle hijinks. They fight and grab each other and grapple for dominance inside a tunnel.
CLOUD: The symbolism of this is not lost on me.
Reno and Rude stand outside the tunnel with homemade dynamite and have hilarious conversations, culminating in spectacular fireworks.
CLOUD: *blows by Reno and Rude* No time for ass grabbing! Back later! OMIGOD, you people should really finish building your freeways.
Kadaj leers some more, there's more rainbows in the fireworks, and Cloud celebrates getting his groove back by ripping off his sleeve. Kadaj parks his motorcycle in the church, breaking at least seventeen laws about what you can and can't do in a church, and then gets all pissy that his Can O' Jenova sprung a leak. Cloud blows in, breaking all the rest of the church etiquette laws, and they fight.
AUDIENCE: How are there any flowers left growing there at ALL?
Squeenix sends in the deus ex machina of Aeris and the mystical rain, although as soranokumo points out, it's really more dea ex machina. Cloud heals and says a wistful goodbye to his best source of emo inspiration.
KADAJ: IT BURNS!
CLOUD: I wonder if I should write about this in my livejournal later.
Kadaj tear-asses out of the church and looks like he's about to have a Hamlet-like soliloquy, complete with skull/severed alien head in one hand. Cloud shows up and Squeenix further squeezes the fans with the puppet line.
KADAJ: Mother will tell me what to do!
CLOUD: …You’re taking your orders from a head in a box? A tiny head?
KADAJ: Oh shut UP, puppet-boy.
***
CID: CID FUCKING HIGHWIND.
YUFFIE: Cloud's fighting a bug?
CAIT SITH: I hear there are medicated shampoos for that.
BARRET: We could go help him.
VINCENT: Or we could stand here and admire his ass.
TIFA: I have to say, I'm with Vincent on this one.
AVALANCHE: Meh, let’s let Cloud do all the work.
TIFA: Cloud was all inspired two years ago, and then he lost it. Possibly because we made him pick up pizza for us too many times. But, I mean, he WAS the only one who owned a bike and have you seen the gasoline bills for an airship?
***
KADAJ: *bathes in goop* I’ll show you my "reunion."
CLOUD: You know, that line was a lot more impressive when Sephiroth used it.
SEPHIROTH: Gimme me some sugar, baby.
CLOUD: …Well, I certainly did not see this coming.
***
And thus we come to the most rewatched bit of Advent Children by far. I swear, the whole thing is one long running homoerotic grapple between Cloud and Sephiroth. I've really said just about everything I mean to say about this bit in previous AIM exchanges. It just seemed like one big excuse for Sephiroth to come back and get it on with Cloud. Sephiroth has the grabbiest hands EVER.
SEPHIROTH: My desire is this, Cloud. To use this Planet as a ship to travel through the darkness of the universe. Just like Mother did long ago.
CLOUD: …So you want to be a space pirate. Just like your mom.
Sephiroth goes on about his motivations and goals. It totally sounds like he wants Cloud to do all this new paradise stuff with him. He woos Cloud with the temptation of space piracy, which I must say, would totally work on me. When Cloud asks, "What happens to the planet?" Sephiroth seems to… uh, not really care, as long as he gets Cloud booty and piracy.
SEPHIROTH: You look good. What made you stronger?
CLOUD: *bashfully* Well, I have been working out. Whoops. I mean, rar!
SEPHIROTH: I thought of what to give you as a gift. Shall I give you despair? Or how about big flaming chunks of rock? Or WANG?
CLOUD: Bad touch! Bad touch!
SEPHIROTH: Kneel down, and show me how you look begging for mercy.
There can't be anything better than that line. All I can picture though is Cloud internally grumbling, "What, like you've already forgotten two years later? You never wrote. You never called. You could have sent flowers, not dopey clones."
AUDIENCE: Why Nomura, you fanboy, you.
NOMURA: Whaaaaaat?
Er, let's see. Phallic weapons, wall-pinning, penetration jokes, rainbows when the swords hit, throat-grabbing, Sephiroth walking off an Omnislash in grand Monty Python fashion, the wing thing, Cloud asking Sephiroth to say in his "special" memories, and Sephiroth pretty much promising that he's going to be coming back whenever he damn well pleases or at least when he finds some better looking clones. Right-o.
I did like Kadaj's tortured "Niisan…" gasp. And Aeris coming to guide him back.
***
*Rain falls. Everyone lives.*
AVALANCHE: Hooray!
CAIT SITH: Cloud’s a man!
AUDIENCE: *squinting* Are you… sure about that?
TIFA: You were always with us, weren't you? Thank you… Spiderman.
***
CLOUD: I feel like I'm in a Pantene Pro V commercial. Well, might as well make the most of it, considering Squeenix blew, like, all the budget on rendering my hair.
YAZOO: *shoots him through the chest*
CLOUD: …well, shit.
YAZOO: Let’s all go home together, wink wink, nudge nudge.
LOZ: Let's all have fun together, if you know what I mean and I think you DO.
CLOUD: *stabbity* Man, this movie is one long homoerotic tussle. Thanks, Nomura, for leaving my sexuality up for grabs to anything that comes along and is capable of groping.
NOMURA: No problem.
YAZOO & LOZ: *dissolve* So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, fuck you.
AUDIENCE: Dude, he just got shot RIGHT THROUGH THE CHEST. Is he going to walk that off too?
I thought the scene going from color to black and white when Cloud gets shot was a subtle but really nice touch, both for dramatic purposes and also almost like a nod to the Zack ending. I could have totally gone for more Zack images in the film, but since Crisis Core is supposed to be about him, I suppose they're rationing him out. Regardless, I liked the Zack and Aeris bantering with Cloud while he was unconscious, and Aeris stroking his forehead, and like soranokumo said, Cloud's identification of Aeris with his mother fits into the game's original maternal implications that the creators were trying for. I would have been seriously annoyed if Cloud died, but really, I can't help wondering how much longer until he has to save the world AGAIN.
AERIS: Aww, he's so cute when he's barely conscious and clinging to life.
ZACK: Sorry, kiddo, not time yet. But cheer up, I'm always with you. Especially in the shower.
AUDIENCE: Seriously, what is up with that wolf?
I wonder that too. Is it supposed to stand for, um, Cloud's nature, or Zack's nature or… you know, never mind.
***
CLOUD: *wakes up in water, surrounded by children* Oof. Someone's hand is on my ass. Heeeeey, you all tried to kill me not so long ago. Well, bygones will be bygones.
TIFA: Go on, you don't want to have unsightly bruising forever, do you?
DENZEL: I dunno. With everyone else healed, I can totally be the most emo one in the film, since I can't be the cutest.
CLOUD: No one out-emo's me, kid. Get in the damn water.
Isn't anyone concerned about the potential chemical runoff in that water? This IS Midgar we are in, folks.
***
AERIS: So, you're all right now, right?
CLOUD: Well, Sephiroth pretty much as good as said he could come back at any time, and now I don't have Geostigma as an excuse to avoid people, and they're all going to go back to making me pick up the pizza when we order out, and Rufus and the Turks are probably gonna pull something soon. So, um, no.
AERIS: Right, see ya!
ZACK: *waves*
CLOUD: I'm not alone anymore… because the fangirls are coming.
I had the "HOLY SHIT I NEED TO WORK ON MY FICATHON PIECE!" panic attack today. So of course, all I've been messing around with are FFVII and AC pieces. It seems the most logical thing to do. I'm refraining myself from posting more AIM, but only barely. It's just easier to post AIM than to actually write this sort of thing out.