Starting over again...and again...and again
I'm beginning to think I'm in a constant renewal cycle, and I'm trying to figure out whether that's a good thing or not. I feel quixotic a good deal of the time. Many of the things that I accomplish seem only impressive to myself (and sometimes Alex). But should I really give a damn about that? Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my mom's death. Five years come and gone. Five summers, five winters without her. I finally convinced myself to leave the confines of the bedroom around nine yesterday morning and went into the kitchen. I started the coffee going (Community, both her favorite and mine, though I did it in the French press and she always used a coffee maker). I got a mason jar, filled it with coffee, put in two spoons of sugar and some creamer (she used the powdered creamer, but all we have is liquid hazelnut flavored). I made an impromptu memorial shrine out of a clay pot and sat out the coffee along with the last banana nut muffin I made a couple of days ago. I then sat in front of the impromptu shrine and talked to her. I talked a little then cried. I told her how much it hurt sometimes and the pot, which had been sitting upright for a few minutes by that point, fell over. I set it back upright and told her that I was ok. And I am. Life seems so weird and I seem so weird, but I'm ok, better now than I've ever been. There's still so much to figure out, it seems. For all that I know, I'm still trying to figure out how to best utilize it while continuing to learn more. I never stop learning and growing. Each day. As a writer, as a partner, as a person. And I'm learning to be comfortable with that, to accept my changing nature and my sometimes contradictory personality traits. Moreover, I'm learning to be unapologetic about those contradictions, about my nature. It may not be easy, and I may not be easy to understand, but I am nothing if not true to myself. So many questions, and each one answered seems to bring about ever more questions. One thing I do know, though, is that we all need a good little ramble sometimes. Hopefully mine has been enjoyable and perhaps even informative. If nothing else, I got pleasure out of it, and I think I'm ok with that.