Exit, stage through...
I just remembered I have livejournal to babble to.
So i'll babble.
I really shouldn't watch things like Lain or The Matrix, I always end up thinking afterward, thinking about crud like reality, perception and consciousness, I've always known none of these can be proven - I guess thats made me kind of bitter and reckless, I can't talk to anyone about these thoughts though, every time i've tried I either get funny looks or people don't take me seriously; I really think i'm losing sight of myself, when I think back to myself about 3 years ago - try to put myself in that position and look at myself as I am now: petty, bitter, freindless and on the path to failure I hate myself, I know its my fault, or at least my thoughts' fault, I really don't see the point anymore, what am I aiming for?, My dreams?, What then when I die?, My dreams - myself will be gone and nothing will matter anymore and often I find myself thinking 'why not cut out the middle man?'; On the way back from the post office today I stood at the railway tracks as the barriers went down and the lights flashed to warn of an approaching train and though about how easy it would be, just to slip under the barrier and into the path of the train, I guess it would hurt - if not for a moment anyway, some people say pain reminds us we're alive this has always intrigued me, reminds us?, can we forget? I'd like to believe i'm at this point - I don't feel alive anymore, I like to use writing about something as an acid test for my real feelings and as I write this I feel nothing, should I hurt myself?, Would this remind me? of course this is stupidity, My teeth have seen to it I receive a constant stream of pain and I feel none the better for it so that plan's out the window.
I can't talk to anyone about anything anymore, my parents don't want to know, I'm just that moody gremlin upstairs, second room on the right who only emerges to feed, the kids and teachers at school see me as the class clown: immature, idiotic and pointless, all that is left is the internet, now that good readers, is how pathetic I have become, I no longer strive for human contact in the real world, why bother?, nobody there cares anymore and real people are too difficult to deal with; I'm not suicidal, well, maybe a little its just that life seems kinda dull now through the haze of thought and hatred, I don't like people - people are the ones who taunt me and beat me, people are the ones who wage war and kill; I guess what i'm trying to say is: Life is like a plant, let it wilt a little and it can be quickly brought back to health, let it wither and die and it remains, a dried husk watching the world and performing no purpose, crappy analogy I know but I was never good at this 'self-actualization' crap.
I hope you enjoyed my babble, go and water your plants.
So i'll babble.
I really shouldn't watch things like Lain or The Matrix, I always end up thinking afterward, thinking about crud like reality, perception and consciousness, I've always known none of these can be proven - I guess thats made me kind of bitter and reckless, I can't talk to anyone about these thoughts though, every time i've tried I either get funny looks or people don't take me seriously; I really think i'm losing sight of myself, when I think back to myself about 3 years ago - try to put myself in that position and look at myself as I am now: petty, bitter, freindless and on the path to failure I hate myself, I know its my fault, or at least my thoughts' fault, I really don't see the point anymore, what am I aiming for?, My dreams?, What then when I die?, My dreams - myself will be gone and nothing will matter anymore and often I find myself thinking 'why not cut out the middle man?'; On the way back from the post office today I stood at the railway tracks as the barriers went down and the lights flashed to warn of an approaching train and though about how easy it would be, just to slip under the barrier and into the path of the train, I guess it would hurt - if not for a moment anyway, some people say pain reminds us we're alive this has always intrigued me, reminds us?, can we forget? I'd like to believe i'm at this point - I don't feel alive anymore, I like to use writing about something as an acid test for my real feelings and as I write this I feel nothing, should I hurt myself?, Would this remind me? of course this is stupidity, My teeth have seen to it I receive a constant stream of pain and I feel none the better for it so that plan's out the window.
I can't talk to anyone about anything anymore, my parents don't want to know, I'm just that moody gremlin upstairs, second room on the right who only emerges to feed, the kids and teachers at school see me as the class clown: immature, idiotic and pointless, all that is left is the internet, now that good readers, is how pathetic I have become, I no longer strive for human contact in the real world, why bother?, nobody there cares anymore and real people are too difficult to deal with; I'm not suicidal, well, maybe a little its just that life seems kinda dull now through the haze of thought and hatred, I don't like people - people are the ones who taunt me and beat me, people are the ones who wage war and kill; I guess what i'm trying to say is: Life is like a plant, let it wilt a little and it can be quickly brought back to health, let it wither and die and it remains, a dried husk watching the world and performing no purpose, crappy analogy I know but I was never good at this 'self-actualization' crap.
I hope you enjoyed my babble, go and water your plants.