A recap on a rough night...
last night i talked to a lot of people, and i heard a lot of things... mainly things that i didn't want to hear. it was rough on me, and some of it i couldnt make sense of. it makes me wonder if these conversations or things in my life happen for a reason to discourage me from doing things and what not.
i had an in depth conversation last night with jim, and i realized that i'm not over him. i've just been suppressing my feelings, and that i convinced myself that i had moved on.. when really i havent.
we talked about everything. he found out about chris, and that really hurt him. however, i told him that he was the one who broke up with me, but i also told him that i still loved him. i hate him for making me fall in love with him, and for making me question myself now. i've been so angry lately because i dont understand why our relationship had to end. i was happy throughout most of it, but at the end i wasnt because i never got to see him. he tells me that he loves me, but things are a little different. that's why were arent together. he thought it hurt him to hear about chris, well it kills me to hear that from him. i dont understand why things had to change.
i feel horrible because i feel as if i led chris on, and i didnt intend to. however, he assured me that i did not. he is one of the finest people i have ever met, and i regret bringing him into my messed up life. i didnt mean to though because i didnt know i was suppressing past thoughts and feelings. i feel horrible though, and him being the wonderful person that he is is more concerned with how i'm doing than with how he is doing. he's so romantic, and any girl would be lucky to be with him. i'm not ready to date anyone else though. i cant. i'm glad i met him because he made me feel like i was special, and i'll always remember that he gave me my first rose.
i found out that our captain is seriously contemplating cutting me from our last competition. i didnt find out directly from her, but from others so it could be false information i suppose. i can wish. it's not that i dont know the dance, or that i cant do it well... it's just we're learning some new stuff like a week before competition, and she wants the people who can figure it out and get it down in a week to be in the competition. therefore, it is understandable that i would be one of the people to be cut. it's going to hurt if i get cut, but what people dont realize is that being on that team, working hard to learn that dance, and meeting all of those wonderful girls was just amazing. i got so much out of being on that team, and i am very pleased with that. i know if i get cut it'll be hard, but i have to keep in mind what i took from being on that team. thinking of that makes me feel content.
i dont know if i told anyone, but i failed my last communication disorders test. i dont even know what my grade in the class is. probably a high D, which sucks. we turned in a paper last class so i can only hope that i did an amazing job on it. our last grade will be our final exam. that exam will make or break my grade, and that is why i must study, study, study. i'm so afraid though. i cant believe i'm so close to failing (i think).
we all know how i got a job as a deskie for next year... well, that almost got screwed up. on tuesday i was supposed to call and confirm that i wanted the job, and i did. however, the girl wasnt there so i had to leave a message. thankfully she called me on wednesday (the day we were supposed to have called them by), and she asked if i still wanted the job. i told her how i had called her on tuesday, and that i was glad that she called me back. that was close though.
i apologize for this entry being ginormous... i also want to thank andrea, kristi, chris, angie, stephanie, and emily martin for staying up and talking with me... helping me get through the night kinda thing. i love u guys, and u all mean so much to me. i do applaud anyone though who went through and read this entire entry. good job!
i had an in depth conversation last night with jim, and i realized that i'm not over him. i've just been suppressing my feelings, and that i convinced myself that i had moved on.. when really i havent.
we talked about everything. he found out about chris, and that really hurt him. however, i told him that he was the one who broke up with me, but i also told him that i still loved him. i hate him for making me fall in love with him, and for making me question myself now. i've been so angry lately because i dont understand why our relationship had to end. i was happy throughout most of it, but at the end i wasnt because i never got to see him. he tells me that he loves me, but things are a little different. that's why were arent together. he thought it hurt him to hear about chris, well it kills me to hear that from him. i dont understand why things had to change.
i feel horrible because i feel as if i led chris on, and i didnt intend to. however, he assured me that i did not. he is one of the finest people i have ever met, and i regret bringing him into my messed up life. i didnt mean to though because i didnt know i was suppressing past thoughts and feelings. i feel horrible though, and him being the wonderful person that he is is more concerned with how i'm doing than with how he is doing. he's so romantic, and any girl would be lucky to be with him. i'm not ready to date anyone else though. i cant. i'm glad i met him because he made me feel like i was special, and i'll always remember that he gave me my first rose.
i found out that our captain is seriously contemplating cutting me from our last competition. i didnt find out directly from her, but from others so it could be false information i suppose. i can wish. it's not that i dont know the dance, or that i cant do it well... it's just we're learning some new stuff like a week before competition, and she wants the people who can figure it out and get it down in a week to be in the competition. therefore, it is understandable that i would be one of the people to be cut. it's going to hurt if i get cut, but what people dont realize is that being on that team, working hard to learn that dance, and meeting all of those wonderful girls was just amazing. i got so much out of being on that team, and i am very pleased with that. i know if i get cut it'll be hard, but i have to keep in mind what i took from being on that team. thinking of that makes me feel content.
i dont know if i told anyone, but i failed my last communication disorders test. i dont even know what my grade in the class is. probably a high D, which sucks. we turned in a paper last class so i can only hope that i did an amazing job on it. our last grade will be our final exam. that exam will make or break my grade, and that is why i must study, study, study. i'm so afraid though. i cant believe i'm so close to failing (i think).
we all know how i got a job as a deskie for next year... well, that almost got screwed up. on tuesday i was supposed to call and confirm that i wanted the job, and i did. however, the girl wasnt there so i had to leave a message. thankfully she called me on wednesday (the day we were supposed to have called them by), and she asked if i still wanted the job. i told her how i had called her on tuesday, and that i was glad that she called me back. that was close though.
i apologize for this entry being ginormous... i also want to thank andrea, kristi, chris, angie, stephanie, and emily martin for staying up and talking with me... helping me get through the night kinda thing. i love u guys, and u all mean so much to me. i do applaud anyone though who went through and read this entire entry. good job!