Just went off...
Well, I don't entirely know where this came from, it started as a reply to an E-mail sent to me about sadness, and I'm not sure why tonight was the night, but I kinda went off into a little spiral of self-loathing/pity/anger or something... anyway... here it is, mock me if you must but I needed to get this off my chest.
I don't know what the ultimate sadness is, I do know what one of the most painful emotions is. Confusion.
Confusion and wonder, mind you that may come from a mind that is overactive and doesn't know when to take a good thing and run with it. A mind that always wonders if this is happening as best as it can, a mind that wonders what you're doing, and a mind that just waits for the axe to fall... under the belief that what you have is too good to be true, can't last, and so you sit, and wait, mentally preparing yourself for what you have constructed in your mind to be the inevitable. It may come, it may come today, tomorrow, next month, but you swear up and down it will come.
And from that belief, comes the guarding of your heart, not able to enjoy to the full extent what it possibly one of the best things that will ever happen to you in your life. You are always on edge, waiting... wondering if with that next breath he/she will finally reveal to you that everything you have constructed in your mind has been true, it was all for not. And as much as you have prepared yourself, your mind, your heart... you are never ready, you will swear up and down that you never saw it coming, it blindsided you and hit you like a tank.
And at that moment, it all comes spilling back at you... what you could have done differently, every little fight, every disagreement that you wish you had never had, the stubbornness, pigheadedness, and overall irratablity that may have plagued your relationship and made you a lesser partner than you could have been...
if...
you had only given, everything you had, hadn't cooped yourself up inside your fears, doubts, and worrys. It's the way I have to be from now on. Not that I am pigheaded or stubborn...
Inadequacy, it's what I fear most... she's too good for me, what is she doing here, I don't deserve her... I don't deserve anyone... anything... etc...
As I sit, I feel so sad, not because I'm single, or just had a fight with my girlfriend, or didn't have a nice evening with her.
No, it's because I did have a nice evening with her... and now I realize that I have done nothing with my life... it hits me at the oddest times. I'm a 22 year old man/guy/boy living at home with his parents, no job, no marketable skills, no trade, and no money.
And the girl I'm dating is a beautiful 23 year old girl who has a bright future ahead of her, four years of university behind her, two jobs, and a bum for a boyfriend.
Or at least that's how I see it.
As of 12:33 am, Sept 22, 2004, things change... I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I have a way to get this life taken care of financially, I have to take control of my life and make things happen for me, not wait for things to happen.