I have been thinking of Steve a lot these past few days....
Steve was my roommate when I was 23 years old, and we lived together platonic-ally for about 2 years, and I always considered him ultra cool, sort of my definition of a rock and roll super star. I truly believe, in my heart, Steve died of Aids during the mid 1980's. He moved back to New York City in 1979, even before we started hearing of the mysterious disease that appeared to affect only gay men. And we all know what happened after that. So I believe that he died some 24 years ago.
I have often wondered if he is part of my "protection forces", the forces that seem to guide and protect me, especially after I came out of the proverbial "closet".
So last night I had a horrible nightmare and in the series of dreams, I was dead. I was wondering why Mark wasn't answering my questions to him, and then he was on the phone talking to my brother David, telling David that I had died during my sleep. And I was telling him I wasn't dead. (Just like in the movie "The Others", Nicole Kidman).
Then I saw myself in a hospital bed and I realized I was dead, and that apparently I had been sick a long time. And then I was telling Mark, over and over, I am so sorry. I kept thinking if I am dead, how will I be able to take care of Mark if he ever needs to be taken care of? I just kept telling him I was so sorry, but he couldn't hear me.
Then I was on an elevator, going down, ( I am sure you know where this is headed??) and when I got off the elevator there was a man at a desk, and another man in an empty concrete room, that wsa going to be sealed up, with only him in the room, for all of eternity.
And I remember I was thinking, "oh, so we gay guys do end up in hell afterall." And the man at the desk looks at me, and say's I can do whatever I want because they ( I dont know who they were ) have 30 days to decide on what will become of me.
Then I am standing next to Mark in my hospital room, and my late friend Marilyn Wilson was looking at me and kissing my hand. Marilyn was my friend Gene's Mother, and Gene died of aids in 1994. But Marilyn died last year. So her being in the dream doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, other than I wish I had visited her more often before she passed away.
And I was still telling Mark how sorry I was that I died. And I kept thinking, "who will take care of Mark if he ever needs taken care of". That seemed to be the heart of the dream, that I didn't out live Mark.
So I finally got up for work, and woke him up, and told him I had bad nightmares last night. He was barely awake, and then I told him I was truly, with all my heart, sorry for everything I ever did that bothered him. Then I asked if he forgave me, and if he accepted my apologies.
He said, "yes", so then I said I am off to work, talk to you later.
So Mark is off work today, and he just called and asked me what "that" was all about. AT first I would'nt talk about it, then I said I had nightmares last night and I died, and you were calling my brother, and that it scared me a lot.
Then, typical man that Mark is, changed the subject, and I had a client walk into my office, so we just said bye and hung up the phone.
What on earth made me have that type of dream? I know it was just a dumb dream, but man, it really shook me up. So much for my medically induced wonderful mood for the last 6 weeks.
And it's a rainy day here, much needed rain I think, and the rain always gives me the blues.
So I wonder if this dream is perhaps a "warning shot"? Maybe Steve sent it? Or my "protection forces"? Maybe a warning of what could happen? Or perhaps a warning to tell me to continue to love the people I love, because life is short?
Or perhaps that dream is the result of the Dorito chips and nacho cheese I ate just before bedtime?
I normally don't take any of my dreams seriously. I do fear death, maybe my subconscious grabbed ahold of that and produced that dream?
I need to shake this off, and get back to my normal self.
I will work much harder on making Mark and his Dad's life easier, and also all the members of my family. I will put their needs 1st and my needs 2nd, because I truly think that this is how it is meant to be. I would waste to much of my life otherwise.
I think I will feel much better by tomorrow with the start of a nice weekend coming.
Cheers Mates!!
I have often wondered if he is part of my "protection forces", the forces that seem to guide and protect me, especially after I came out of the proverbial "closet".
So last night I had a horrible nightmare and in the series of dreams, I was dead. I was wondering why Mark wasn't answering my questions to him, and then he was on the phone talking to my brother David, telling David that I had died during my sleep. And I was telling him I wasn't dead. (Just like in the movie "The Others", Nicole Kidman).
Then I saw myself in a hospital bed and I realized I was dead, and that apparently I had been sick a long time. And then I was telling Mark, over and over, I am so sorry. I kept thinking if I am dead, how will I be able to take care of Mark if he ever needs to be taken care of? I just kept telling him I was so sorry, but he couldn't hear me.
Then I was on an elevator, going down, ( I am sure you know where this is headed??) and when I got off the elevator there was a man at a desk, and another man in an empty concrete room, that wsa going to be sealed up, with only him in the room, for all of eternity.
And I remember I was thinking, "oh, so we gay guys do end up in hell afterall." And the man at the desk looks at me, and say's I can do whatever I want because they ( I dont know who they were ) have 30 days to decide on what will become of me.
Then I am standing next to Mark in my hospital room, and my late friend Marilyn Wilson was looking at me and kissing my hand. Marilyn was my friend Gene's Mother, and Gene died of aids in 1994. But Marilyn died last year. So her being in the dream doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, other than I wish I had visited her more often before she passed away.
And I was still telling Mark how sorry I was that I died. And I kept thinking, "who will take care of Mark if he ever needs taken care of". That seemed to be the heart of the dream, that I didn't out live Mark.
So I finally got up for work, and woke him up, and told him I had bad nightmares last night. He was barely awake, and then I told him I was truly, with all my heart, sorry for everything I ever did that bothered him. Then I asked if he forgave me, and if he accepted my apologies.
He said, "yes", so then I said I am off to work, talk to you later.
So Mark is off work today, and he just called and asked me what "that" was all about. AT first I would'nt talk about it, then I said I had nightmares last night and I died, and you were calling my brother, and that it scared me a lot.
Then, typical man that Mark is, changed the subject, and I had a client walk into my office, so we just said bye and hung up the phone.
What on earth made me have that type of dream? I know it was just a dumb dream, but man, it really shook me up. So much for my medically induced wonderful mood for the last 6 weeks.
And it's a rainy day here, much needed rain I think, and the rain always gives me the blues.
So I wonder if this dream is perhaps a "warning shot"? Maybe Steve sent it? Or my "protection forces"? Maybe a warning of what could happen? Or perhaps a warning to tell me to continue to love the people I love, because life is short?
Or perhaps that dream is the result of the Dorito chips and nacho cheese I ate just before bedtime?
I normally don't take any of my dreams seriously. I do fear death, maybe my subconscious grabbed ahold of that and produced that dream?
I need to shake this off, and get back to my normal self.
I will work much harder on making Mark and his Dad's life easier, and also all the members of my family. I will put their needs 1st and my needs 2nd, because I truly think that this is how it is meant to be. I would waste to much of my life otherwise.
I think I will feel much better by tomorrow with the start of a nice weekend coming.
Cheers Mates!!