(no subject)
Today I looked back and saw the man I was. The pain I couldn’t see beyond. The ugliness and the evil, the absurdities and the hurt. It has been so long since I have posted here.
Hope has always been the only thing that held together my fragile world. Hope that we could escape these frigid waters. Every moment I held on was a small victory. Every day a beating, but a survived one.
But hope alone is not a savior. Hope keeps you afloat, but it does not stave off the cold, nor bring you any closer to shore. Something more is needed to bring land beneath you once again.
A change in vision took me. I saw an outline beyond the dark. I saw beauty again. I saw the beauty in life, in love. It was faint at first, but it grew. A woman saved me, or did I save her? She is warm and beautiful, and when I hold her she warms me. A beauty I had somehow overlooked for so long. The beauty I thought was dead in us still lived, I just never was close enough to see it, or maybe I wasn’t looking.
The darkness is still here. It lives in me still, as it still lives in us all, but for the first time I feel it falter. I see the weakness in it, the fragility to what was before so overpowering.
I still have so many questions, so much to do, but I breath easier, and feel like I can once again be a warrior, a wise man, a writer. We can change, we can grow, and we can control it. We are only powerless when we believe we are.
I am not the man you knew.
I married the woman who saved me this last august. I can truly say I never knew what happiness was until I felt it. Like trying to explain light to the blind, I had no idea. I wish you all well. Never stop trying, we are getting somewhere. I am still here too.
Hope has always been the only thing that held together my fragile world. Hope that we could escape these frigid waters. Every moment I held on was a small victory. Every day a beating, but a survived one.
But hope alone is not a savior. Hope keeps you afloat, but it does not stave off the cold, nor bring you any closer to shore. Something more is needed to bring land beneath you once again.
A change in vision took me. I saw an outline beyond the dark. I saw beauty again. I saw the beauty in life, in love. It was faint at first, but it grew. A woman saved me, or did I save her? She is warm and beautiful, and when I hold her she warms me. A beauty I had somehow overlooked for so long. The beauty I thought was dead in us still lived, I just never was close enough to see it, or maybe I wasn’t looking.
The darkness is still here. It lives in me still, as it still lives in us all, but for the first time I feel it falter. I see the weakness in it, the fragility to what was before so overpowering.
I still have so many questions, so much to do, but I breath easier, and feel like I can once again be a warrior, a wise man, a writer. We can change, we can grow, and we can control it. We are only powerless when we believe we are.
I am not the man you knew.
I married the woman who saved me this last august. I can truly say I never knew what happiness was until I felt it. Like trying to explain light to the blind, I had no idea. I wish you all well. Never stop trying, we are getting somewhere. I am still here too.