(no subject)
as some as u may kno, aka jackie, iv been doing alot of meditating to try and figure out just what the hell is bothering me. to be honest im still not sure. but partly im sick of this life fill with death and loss. most the ppl i ever cared for deeply have either died, or left and i dont kno if they r alive or dead. in my life time iv had 5 different best friends, only one of the "originals" are still around, dan i must say thanx seriously for all u have done and stood by my side for. u seem to make getting up worth while on those days i just want to keep my eyes closed and never awake. jackie, i have to give u props, u arose to best friend status faster then anyone else iv ever known. u may not have seen or were with me for any of the rough spots of my life, but ur here now in this dark corner, uv listened, and gave a little light, thanx. to those others that r good friends, both in real life and online, thanx, u guys may not have seen, been with, or dealt with any of my problems, but u let me forget them and smile for a minute. to tell the truth i dont kno why im typing this out, or even what compelled me, but im not gonna erase it. iv done alot in my life, been through alot and some of u kno them, some dont, i have regrets, but knowing any of u isnt one of them. thus i will let this stay up. u ppl have trusted me with things u dont normally tell ppl, and have come to me for support, which has kept me going for this long, u guys made me feel as if my clouded existance stands for something. but im just sick of having to go to graves to talk to those i love. im sick of getting close to ppl and then suddenly, things flip and i dont kno them anymore. sick of ppl always taking out there negative emotions on me, tired of having to be the positive energy to absorb the negative of the world. i wont lie to u guys, as u may be able to figure out iv been thinking about things, and not good thoughts. im talking getting a car, bus ticket something and just leaving, or even just leaving this world. iv even had all the medication i own out on a table for a while, or sit and "play" with my knife. i feel like im scrounging at the bottum of the barrel. i kno there r those who r worse off then me, but i just dont care. im sick of not having a night of solid good dreams without being interupted by some horrible images and flashes, sick of just sitting there and getting visions that i can not only see, but hear, feel, smell, taste. and yea i may even be sick of being alone. tired of knowing im not really going anywhere in this life but being the man behind the greats. i kno thats all ill eveer measure up to at most, and dont try to argue different. tired of chasing false dreams. tired of living this reality. of constantly worrying that someone else has been in an acident, or gets a terminal desease. tired of having to put on a mask every time im go out, every time im with friends, or even family. being constantly ridiculed, even if its just subtle. i kno iv tried to keep the atitude its my life and ill fight for it, but lately i cant help to wonder if its worth fighting for, or even just what the hell im fighting for. i kno many of u prolly thought i was over this, and im sorry if i decieved u, but iv been this way for the past 2 months. i just dont kno anymore, about anything.