[fic} Frakked Up Beyond All Recognition
Frakked Up Beyond All Recognition
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Rating: Mature-ish
Ship: Starbuck/Anders (sort of)
Summary: But I Can't Be Pregnant!
A/N: The second of two late submissions for penknife's TV Tropes Challenge. 490 words. Classes really need to start, because if this is the result of my idle brain... The truth is, this is the first scenario that came to mind when penknife gave me my assignment. Some ideas are just so bad you've just got to use them. Sorry, Anders. Um. Mpreg. Kind of.
"But I can't be pregnant," said Anders.
Doc Cottle removed the stethoscope from around his neck and dropped it onto the examining table. "I give up," he said and walked away, calling over his shoulder, "If you're still pregnant the next time I'm sober, we'll talk some more."
"This is frakked up," Kara fumed.
"You're telling me!"
"Frakk it. I've made a lousy ass wife, I'll make a lousy ass father."
"I'm going to be the lousy ass father," said Anders.
"What the frakk ever."
*
"Congratulations," D'Anna purred when he went to confront her.
"Just tell me what the frakk is going on."
"I'm not a doctor, but if Cottle says you're-"
"I mean," Anders cut in desperately, "why?"
D'Anna, perched on the edge of a desk, cocked her head, so her yellow hair spilled down her arm. She crossed her legs. Smiled. "Just because I've seen the faces of the Final Five doesn't mean I know any more about them than you do. But think about it. You saw the farm on Caprica. You're aware that we Cylons have been conducting experiments with fertility and procreation for years."
"Are you saying," said Anders, struggling with the words, "that I'm some sort of…experiment? That's frakked up."
"Better you than me," said D'Anna, wrinkling her nose.
*
Tigh laughed.
"It's not funny," said Anders.
"Sure, it is. How do you think I've been feeling? Every time I look in a frakking mirror I see this." He waved a hand in front of his face. "When I think that whoever made us could have made me look like you - or even the Chief… But there are worse things than being bald and ugly. Now, I think you could use a drink. I think you could use several drinks."
"I can't," said Anders glumly. "It's probably bad for the…" He couldn't bring himself to say baby.
Tigh laughed some more.
*
"I hope it's a girl," said Kara. "I can teach her to shoot and wrestle and fly and swear. We should probably call her Laura. I never really liked the name, but she'll have a good call sign when she's older."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," said Anders, lying back in his rack and closing his eyes. "I'm kind of glad you came around, though."
"Well…" Kara hoisted herself up beside him. "I didn't kill you when I found out you were a toaster, like I said I would. I must love you. Or I must be really frakking crazy."
"Or both," muttered Anders.
Kara patted his thigh. "And this way, I can keep drinking and keep smoking my cigars. I won't get fat. I won't get weird cravings, which is good because all we have to eat still is that algae."
"The next few months are going to be so much fun for me," said Anders dryly.
"I'll make sure they are," said Kara.
8/15/2008
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Rating: Mature-ish
Ship: Starbuck/Anders (sort of)
Summary: But I Can't Be Pregnant!
A/N: The second of two late submissions for penknife's TV Tropes Challenge. 490 words. Classes really need to start, because if this is the result of my idle brain... The truth is, this is the first scenario that came to mind when penknife gave me my assignment. Some ideas are just so bad you've just got to use them. Sorry, Anders. Um. Mpreg. Kind of.
"But I can't be pregnant," said Anders.
Doc Cottle removed the stethoscope from around his neck and dropped it onto the examining table. "I give up," he said and walked away, calling over his shoulder, "If you're still pregnant the next time I'm sober, we'll talk some more."
"This is frakked up," Kara fumed.
"You're telling me!"
"Frakk it. I've made a lousy ass wife, I'll make a lousy ass father."
"I'm going to be the lousy ass father," said Anders.
"What the frakk ever."
*
"Congratulations," D'Anna purred when he went to confront her.
"Just tell me what the frakk is going on."
"I'm not a doctor, but if Cottle says you're-"
"I mean," Anders cut in desperately, "why?"
D'Anna, perched on the edge of a desk, cocked her head, so her yellow hair spilled down her arm. She crossed her legs. Smiled. "Just because I've seen the faces of the Final Five doesn't mean I know any more about them than you do. But think about it. You saw the farm on Caprica. You're aware that we Cylons have been conducting experiments with fertility and procreation for years."
"Are you saying," said Anders, struggling with the words, "that I'm some sort of…experiment? That's frakked up."
"Better you than me," said D'Anna, wrinkling her nose.
*
Tigh laughed.
"It's not funny," said Anders.
"Sure, it is. How do you think I've been feeling? Every time I look in a frakking mirror I see this." He waved a hand in front of his face. "When I think that whoever made us could have made me look like you - or even the Chief… But there are worse things than being bald and ugly. Now, I think you could use a drink. I think you could use several drinks."
"I can't," said Anders glumly. "It's probably bad for the…" He couldn't bring himself to say baby.
Tigh laughed some more.
*
"I hope it's a girl," said Kara. "I can teach her to shoot and wrestle and fly and swear. We should probably call her Laura. I never really liked the name, but she'll have a good call sign when she's older."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," said Anders, lying back in his rack and closing his eyes. "I'm kind of glad you came around, though."
"Well…" Kara hoisted herself up beside him. "I didn't kill you when I found out you were a toaster, like I said I would. I must love you. Or I must be really frakking crazy."
"Or both," muttered Anders.
Kara patted his thigh. "And this way, I can keep drinking and keep smoking my cigars. I won't get fat. I won't get weird cravings, which is good because all we have to eat still is that algae."
"The next few months are going to be so much fun for me," said Anders dryly.
"I'll make sure they are," said Kara.
8/15/2008