[fic] Ice Cream (Gundam Wing)
Ice Cream
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Rating: teen
Ships: Duo/Hilde, Quatre/Trowa
Summary: While recovering from her injuries, Hilde reflects on her reasons for deserting OZ, the truce between Earth and the Colonies, and her feelings for Duo. 7,700 words.
A/N: This is my second or third GW story, written in early 2001. q_sama got me thinking about it recently, and I realized it wasn't archived anywhere. It falls between Duo's Lie (which was my first GW fic, and still one of my favorites) and Surfacing (which is about Hilde's actions during "Endless Waltz.") Trowa/Quatre was my OTP, but, looking back, I think I wrote Duo/Hilde better. Maybe because I didn't feel like I was writing AN EPIC EPIC LOVE STORY. Or maybe because Hilde's really a lot of fun to write, and interesting. I mean, she's introduced as a low-ranking OZ soldier. She should be a red shirt. But she's not. I love that one of the common soldiers gets to make a difference and LIVE.
December 28, AC 195
I haven't kept a diary since I was little. Still, right now I have nothing better to do. The news is fascinating, but there's only so much time I can spend just staring at a TV screen, especially when they keep broadcasting images of the Earth and the Colonies looking beautiful and free and happy. And I can't go see them for myself, yet.
Duo says I'm not a patient patient. He's such an idiot.
Anyway, he got me this book, not to put to any practical use, but because it has penguins on it, and he knows I like penguins. The pen he got me has penguins on it, too. They're purple. Maybe I'll try to draw one in this book, so when the pen runs out, I'll remember what they look like. I mean, it's just a pen. But it's from him.
He was there when I first woke up. I thought I was dreaming. But in my dreams he's always perfect, and he definitely wasn't perfect then, so I knew I was really awake.
He looked awful. There were dark circles under his eyes, purple as bruises (maybe they were bruises), his usually oh-so-neat braid was messy, and he looked as if he'd been wearing the same clothes for a week. (I mean, he does wear the same clothes for weeks at a time, but he usually cleans them - or sweet talks me into cleaning them - every few days.)
I was frightened at first. I didn't know where I was. I knew I had to be in an infirmary. The awful sterile smell and the bright lights I've always associated with infirmaries was the first thing I noticed. But an infirmary where? Was I still on Peacemillion? Was the battle still going on? Was I back on the Earth? I remembered being attacked by the Mercurius and the Vayate. I remembered Duo screaming at me. But that was thelast thing I remembered. Had he been able to put that stuff I downloaded from Libra's main computer to use?
I have family on the Earth. My grandma, my father, and my brothers live there. When I learned that the White Fang's true objective was to destroy the Earth, I'd been terrified. I had to do something to stop White Fang. But- Okay, it's going to sound really dumb, but when I woke up in that infirmary, not knowing where I was or what had happened while I was out, the thing that frightened me the most, that snapped through me like a bolt of electricity was, Is Duo still angry at me?
I struggled to get up. I had to ask him.
He noticed me wriggling, finally, and jumped out of his chair by my bed. He looked so tired. And really anxious. That was what really got to me. He was worried. I tried to smile. It hurt.
"Hey, Duo," I croaked.
His eyes flashed. Some time I'm going to have to write down exactly what his eyes are like. It's going to take time to get it exactly right. And while I have the time right now - that's not what I want to think about. It will make lying here harder.
Anyway, he- Well, I couldn't tell if he was still angry or not. He looked like he was maybe trying to be. I was waiting for him to start shouting.
Instead, he kissed me.
Of all the things he could have said or done, I was not expecting that.
It wasn't a big deal, the kiss. It wasn't like in the faerie tales my grandma used to tell me when I was a kid. He sure as hell wasn't a prince, and he didn't sweep me up in his arms with a soulful cry of "Oh, Hilde, at last!" and then smash my mouth with his own. He sort of leaned over (he had to grab the edge of the bed to steady himself because he was shaking), and brushed the corner of my mouth with his lips. Then his stupid braid slipped down over his shoulder and hit me in the face.
He brushed it aside with the back of his hand and grinned. "Hey there, Hilde-sleepy-baby."
He hardly ever calls me by just my name.
"You can't do anything right, can you?" I whispered.
"You're one to talk, dumb girl," he answered cheekily. But I guess he was right.
"Are you still mad at me, Duo?" I asked, as meekly as I could. For some reason this was very important - more important than who had won the war, if anyone even had, yet.
He sighed and made a big deal of straightening out my blanket before he answered. "I was," he said. "I was really angry. But I'm not, anymore." He smiled. "Don't cry, Hilde-bunny. I've never seen you cry."
Was I crying? My throat suddenly seemed full of something. "I'm not crying."
"Sure. Merry Christmas, by the way."
I didn't want to cry. I tried to smile, instead. Before I could do either, though, I fell back to sleep.
I didn't actually find out where I was until I woke up again the next day. That was yesterday. I'm in a hospital on MO2, the resource satellite between the Earth and what was the battleship Libra. The battle has been over for four days. Neither side really won, although now there's peace. Or the beginnings of peace - we all hope. In any case, there are lots of speeches from important delegations from the Earth and the Colonies. I've watched a few of them on the small monitor in my room until I got bored.
A terrible catastrophe was averted. Treize Khushrenada was killed in battle. No one knows where Miliardo Peacecraft/Zechs Merquise is. Marquis Weyridge is standing as Earth's spokesman in the negotiations with the Colony government officials. Lady Une, Treize's former second-in-command, has gone to the Colonies as his ambassador.
(That surprises me, actually. I remember seeing her once or twice when I was in training as an OZ soldier, and she never struck me as the diplomatic type. I guess people change. Treize's death must have really affected her deeply. Everyone always said how crazy she was for him. Literally crazy. On all the broadcasts they've been doing of all her speeches she's the epitome of graciousness.)
And the Gundam pilots are heroes, finally. Duo told me once that he didn't want to be anyone's hero, but I'm glad. The Gundam pilots are the ones who really ended the war.
Saw Duo only once since the day after Christmas, when I woke up. He was here yesterday afternoon, but he only stayed long enough to bring me a bunch of newspapers, some Chinese takeout ("Because it's a well-documented fact that hospital food sucks," he said), and this book. My one Christmas present. I bet he's busy hiding from reporters and people who want to give him awards. They got him on the television once, earlier this morning. He tried to joke around, but I could tell he wasn't pleased about being there. I was surprised he didn't just let them have it. (I could tell, even on the TV, that he really wanted to.) I wonder where the other pilots are. There's supposed to be one in this hospital with me, but they're keeping that very quiet. I only know because Dr. Po told me. Anyway, I don't know what I'd say if he did come by again and I was capable of coherent speech (i.e. not heavily medicated).
What to make of that kiss?
I'm not in love with him. I don't want you to think I am. I hardly know him. We lived together for three months on colony L2-X34 and nothing happened. He's special to me, though. Before I met him I'd never known anyone so open about their convictions. He saw right through the hypocrisy of OZ's treatment of the Colonies. Well, a lot of people did, I guess. But he was willing to do something about it, and he didn't really seem to care about what might happen to him as a result.
He told me once that he fought so other people wouldn't have to. I still think that's the loneliest thing I ever heard.
Hmf. The kiss probably meant something like, "Oh, goody, she's awake. Now I can catch up on my cartoons!" No, that's mean. And it's not like him. I think he was glad to see me.
Could I mean something to him, too?
Okay, I guess I have a little bit of a crush on him, but that's all. Sometimes he can be so delicious...
Stop it, Hilde. He's crazy. He thinks he's the God of Death.
Never fall in love with anyone who thinks he's the God of Death. Or any kind of a god. He's not. And I don't want to fall in love with him.
December 29
I haven't seen very many people besides Sally Po (who's wonderful). She says there are reporters everywhere and lots of them have tried to get in to see that other Gundam pilot (and me), and his people apparently don't want that, so the hospital staff has hired a lot of extra security to make sure no unauthorized person enters. Which is nice on the one hand, because I have no desire to talk to a bunch of reporters (and I might have more trouble controlling myself than Duo - being stuck in bed all day makes me crabby). On the other hand, I want to see the people I care about. A few of my friends from OZ are on MO2. Sally was able to slip me a few notes, but told me she couldn't arrange clearance for them. Angie sent me this silly note:
Hey, babe. Heard you deserted for some hot rebel. Kudos. Glad you made it. Seeya when you're free?
It's so odd. When I left OZ, I never really thought about who I was leaving. I mean, I hated the organization, what it stood for, and what it was doing to the Colonies and Earth. It wasn't until later, when I was at L2 living as a civilian (more or less) that I realized I hadn't just left OZ. I'd left my comrades and my friends as well. And I missed them. Even when I watched on the news Colony citizens rounded up by OZ soldiers to be used as hostages, I couldn't help thinking about Angie, Jenny, and the others. I didn't want to have to fight them, ever. When I snuck onto Libra to steal that data, I did it as much for the Gundam pilots as for my friends. I wanted the war to end. Still, will my (former?) friends who fought for OZ understand that? I'm a little afraid of seeing them when I get out of this hospital.
I never really thought of my leaving OZ as desertion, either. But Laura sent me this note:
Schbeicker! No hard feelings. Glad you're okay. Seeya at your court martial.
Damn Laura. Court martial? Oh, hell.
December 30
Huh. Guess I should start at the beginning of the day, although- Well, what happened was, my brother came to see me. It was so unexpected. It wasn't that I didn't think he would come. Oh, well, I guess I didn't, considering. But in my heart I really hoped some miracle would happen and he would. It was just that I hadn't seen anyone for the past two days and I was going out of my mind with boredom. That's sort of where I have to start, I guess. It's pretty embarrassing, looking back, but... Well, anyway. This morning.
"I want to leave. Now," I told Sally when she came to check on me. "I feel fine," I insisted. "Honestly. I've been walking around this room for the past day and a half. I won't go far. I won't exert myself. I promise. I just can't stay here any longer."
Sally put her hands on her hips and looked down at me - not skeptically, really. Warily, more like. "You take one step out of this hospital, and you will be trampled by reporters. They're everywhere."
"Sneak me out, then," I said, a little ashamed of the desperate squeak I couldn't get out of my voice. "Dress me in scrubs - put me in an ambulance. I have friends - er, somewhere. I'll find them." I'd probably have made a stronger argument if I hadn't nearly fallen over trying to get out of bed. Sally had to help me sit down.
"Sorry, kiddo." Sally shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. "I know you don't believe me right now, but I'm doing you a favor. You'll thank me later on."
It isn't later on, yet.
Anyway, that was around ten this morning. I spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon sitting by my window (I did have enough strength to pull my chair over there, thank you very much), and sniveling. I had the window open so I could feel the breeze on my face. It was pretty cold - well, it's late December - but it felt so good. I hate the way hospitals smell. In comparison, the winter air was heavenly. It was a really pretty day, too. I'm sitting on the windowsill writing this, right now and I'm high up enough to see out over most of the buildings. I can see a corner of the space station and the landing platform where all day ships were landing and taking off. Beyond that the satellite hasn't been built over with pavement, yet. It's night now, but before the winter sun was a kind of pale lemondrop yellow, and the sky, I swear, was as blue as the robin's eggs I used to collect as a kid. There weren't any clouds, although sometimes a really big shuttle blocked the sun, turning everything grey. There was tall yellow-brown grass around the landing platform that waved in the wind and shimmered - I guess with frost.
It was quiet. Well, I guess most people were working. There were occasional blasts of sound from what must have been construction sites, but that was about it. I couldn't see any evil reporters, but that didn't mean they weren't there, prowling. There were a few hospital workers - mostly maintenance people (I wondered if any of them were reporters in disguise), then around noon a handful of doctors and nurses took their lunch outside. One of them looked up from his pizza (mmmm...). I waved. I couldn't really hear him, but I think he shouted something like, "Close that window before you catch cold!"
It was all quite depressing.
Obviously the world had forgotten I existed. Sally hadn't come to see me since early in the morning since I wasn't in such bad shape that she had to check on me constantly to make sure I was still breathing. (I'd lost a lot of blood, broken some ribs, and I had a concussion.) Duo hadn't been by since he brought me this book. (Maybe I'm not really that special to him? Or maybe he's been really, really busy. Please? Oh, hell, what do I care?) And there hadn't been any notes lately from my so-called friends in OZ. I'd even have welcomed that bitch Laura if she'd deigned to pay me a visit. Hmf.
I started to sniffle and before I knew it I was crying hard. I'm really not a crybaby, but just then I felt so abandoned. And you know how a good cry is supposed to make you feel better? It didn't. It just made me feel more pathetic as I grabbed tissue after tissue and dabbed my nose and eyes with them.
So of course, right then the door opened. "GO AWAY!" I screamed (which I know doesn't make any sense, looking back). But when I turned around and saw exactly who had obviously stumbled into the wrong room - I just sort of stared for a moment. Then he said, "Hey, kitten," and I burst into tears all over again.
Si made a hurt face. "I thought you'd be glad to see me." Doof.
"Of course I'm glad to see you!" I bawled and half-flung myself across the room at him. He caught me up in a hug that absolutely squashed me. I don't remember what I said after that, if it was even English. I just hugged him and sobbed and babbled stupidly into his shoulder the way I used to when I was really little. (He's so tall. I can't believe I forgot that. It's been so long.)
When I finally finished he set me down on my bed and sat in the chair by the window. "I brought you something," he said, pulling a small, white box out of his coat.
"What is it?"
"Open it, doof."
It was all tied up with really strong bakery thread (which gave me an idea as to who it was really from), and I couldn't tear through it with my teeth, so he lent me his pocketknife. "Strudel!" I practically screamed when I saw what was hidden under the tissue paper.
"Gram sent it," he said unnecessarily.
"I'm going to cry again," I warned him, tearing up.
"Just don't do it on my jacket," he said, taking off his beloved leather jacket (I remember when Kim got it for him). "Okay, ready," he said, holding his arms out to me.
Oh, Simon, Simon, Simon.
I didn't cry again. I just gave him a big hug. Then I broke the strudel (cherry!) in half and handed him a piece. Oh, my lordchristalmighty. My grandma makes the best cherry strudel in the world. I hadn't had it in so long, and I thought I'd never have it again. (Just writing about it is making my mouth water, even though I've had waaaaayyy too many sweets today.) I really thought I might never see anyone in my family ever again.
We talked for a while, not about the war, and not too much about the rest of the family. I hardly remember what we talked about, really - just everything we could think of. I mean, I hadn't seen him for almost a year, and there was a lot I had to tell him. Stupid things, some of them: movies I'd seen and really liked or hated, if he'd heard so-and-so's latest album, that sort of thing. I told him all about what it was like getting to pilot a mobile suit. That was relatively safe territory. But it led to other things I felt less comfortable talking about. I felt a little shy talking about Duo. I didn't want him to think I'd left OZ for some guy - I didn't! - and I hesitated mentioning what life was like on the Colonies.
He told me about his job ("Sucks!"), about Kim ("Every time I see gram she asks when she's gonna get some great-grandkids. How his favorite hockey team was doing (long string of curses that do not bear repeating), etc. He was telling me about the woes visited upon him by his beloved (but chronically breaking) car ("I got about five miles down the road when the damn bumper fell off-again") when he broke off, looked at me kind of funny, and said, "Er, Hil, there's someone on your window."
I looked over at the window and almost jumped out of my socks when I saw Duo (yeah, who else?) sort of wedged in the casement, waving frantically. "Excuse me," I told Simon. I got up and opened the window. Duo spilled in, shivering (he wasn't wearing a jacket!), rubbing his arms, and making pitiful sounds.
"Thanks, Hilde," he said, grinning weakly, and leaning on me while I closed the window. "This is the sort of thing I'm reduced to. I swear, there are reporters EVERYWHERE."
"Uhh..." I said.
"Hello," said Si.
Duo looked up then, saw my brother (don't know how he'd missed him before), and jumped backwards.
I swear, nothing phases Si. He got up and held out a hand. "I'm Hilde's big brother."
Duo gulped. "I agree!" Hmm. Guess Si did tower over Duo. Funny, I never thought of Duo as being that short. But I guess he is, comparatively. Maybe every guy just seems big, compared to me. "Er." Duo looked uncomfortably from Si to me. I think he might have mumbled something about having to go find Trowa Barton, and I swear, just slipped out of the room (through the door) like he was made out of water.
Si stared after him. "So that was Duo Maxwell."
I nodded. "Pretty much." It made me want to laugh - but it also made me sad, thinking of the hero of Earth and the Colonies, having to sneak through a window. He looked tired, too, I thought, that brief glimpse I had of him. Poor Duo.
Si said, "I saw him on TV in an interview. He's impossible not to recognize."
My cheeks suddenly went hot. I don't know what it was, but something in his voice made me think, Oh my god, he does think I just ran off with some guy. I didn't want to come out and say it, of course, because then - well, what if I was wrong? Then I would put the thought into his head and he'd think that's really what it was when it wasn't. Instead I said, carefully, trying to sound like I was just curious, didn't care: "Do Dad and Carl ever...ask about me?"
Simon looked at me all serious. I knew what he would say. I sat down heavily. He put his arm around my shoulders. I shook him off. He sighed. At least he sounded angry when he said, "I'm sorry, Hilde, they don't."
Oh, god. They are never going to forgive me. Never, never, never.
How is it possible to have grown up knowing four people, two of whom believe you without question, two of whom, who have known you for an equal amount of time, can be so stupidly, stupidly stubborn and blind?
Before he left I made Simon understand a few things.
1. I did not just defect from OZ. Yeah, it happened pretty quickly, but that's how long it took me to open my eyes. I saw what OZ was doing, and I couldn't go along with it anymore.
2. Of course I knew what I was leaving when I left OZ. I knew I was leaving behind my friends and my family. It didn't occur to me at first that I might end up fighting against them. When I left OZ I hadn't actually meant to fight anyone else ever again. And when I did go back to the battle, my target was the White Fang, not OZ. I wasn't helping OZ, but I wasn't fighting it, either.
3. Yes, I swore an oath when I joined OZ. And yeah, I guess I broke it. But what about OZ's promise to me? What about their promise that through them I would be helping to keep the Colonies safe and peaceful? I joined OZ because - okay, because Carl was an officer and all I wanted to do was follow in my eldest brother's footsteps. But it was also because I love Outer Space. I remember visiting the Colonies when I was little. I wanted to help keep them as beautiful as I remembered. I didn't want to fight and die for Treize Khushrenada, though.
4. Oh, and Duo. (This wasn't the part I told Si.) I can just hear Angie: "You were cooking him dinner and you weren't getting any??" That wasn't what it was about. Okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't find him attractive, but it was more like... I guess I saw in him what I wanted to be. I wished I could do what he did, but I couldn't, so I wanted to be there for him, be what he needed, the way I wished there was someone there for me.
I think I made Si understand. He said he would work on Dad and Carl. And I know I'll be Gram's baby whatever I do.
I'm not afraid of any court martial. There isn't going to be one. Laura is just a mean bitch. I mean, OZ doesn't exist anymore. And Sally would have mentioned it, because she defected, too. I'd almost prefer one, though, to this coldness from my father and my other brother. Why don't they understand? Just because Carl stayed with OZ... Well, fine. But what about my loyalty to my own integrity? I think that should supercede any oath I swore. And dammit, I wasn't wrong.
But I wish there was someone here who would tell me that.
Anyway, that was this afternoon. In the evening, he came to see me. Through the door, this time. He came armed with a big tub of Ben & Jerry's, and two spoons. I was busy trying to figure out how many sheets I'd have to steal for me to shimmy down the side of the hospital.
"Don't do it, Schbeicker," he said, leaning against the doorframe. "It's nippy out. And your hospital gown'll fly right up."
"I see you figured out how to use the door," I said, all hoity-toity.
"Yeah, well," he said, grinning weakly and scratching the back of his neck, "just because I can do something doesn't mean I like to do it. No giants this time?" he asked, peering cautiously around the door.
"He's not really that big and scary."
"Umm...yeah, he is. C'mon and eat this stuff before it melts." He handed me a spoon.
We sat together on my bed and dug into the ice cream. Oooh, I haven't had good ice cream in sooo long. It was chocolate and had (I swear) chunks of every kind of candy known to man mixed in. Let no one disparage Duo Maxwell's intelligence ever again! He also had, tucked under his jacket, a bag of clean clothes for me, a couple trashy ladies' magazines ("Very educational; now I know what colors I should wear this spring, AND how to give terrific head"-he's kidding, surely??) and some more newspapers.
He told me what he had been doing for the past few days. "Mostly hiding from reporters. Dunno how Heero and Wufei managed to get away, but I swear, they just disappeared." He looked a little wistful. Guess no one's been giving him a break. "Also trying to help Trowa get to see Quatre. You remember Trowa, right? We saw him at the circus..."
"Trowa's the really hot one, right?" Like I would forget a face like that - even though I only saw half of it.
Duo (sounding a little grieved): "No, that's me."
Me: "Really? Then who's the clown?"
He grabbed my pillow and hit me with it.
He's worried about Trowa, more I think than he is about Quatre Winner, the pilot in the hospital whom everyone's been hush-hush about. "Quatre's okay, now," he explained, looking out the window and forgetting the spoonful of ice cream that was melting in his hand. I put the tub under it to collect the drip. "It was kinda scary for a while, though. That Catalonia bitch stuck a fencing foil right through him."
I nodded. (I remember Dorothy Catalonia, the scary blonde girl with the awful eyebrows who was so witchy to Relena Peacecraft on Libra. I overheard her saying the Mercurius and Vayate had been programmed with data from Heero Yuy and Trowa Barton. I wonder what happened to her. Hope she and her scary eyebrows blew up with Libra.) I've never heard Duo sound so furious.
"And of course, Trowa blames himself."
For...Scary Dorothy stabbing Quatre?
"Tro didn't realize how badly hurt Quatre was when he chased Dorothy off. And of course Q didn't let on he was bleeding to death. I mean, he seemed to be fighting okay. Christ." He shook his head. He looked really tired. I wondered - should I give him a hug? I really wanted to, but I wasn't sure... I've never really...touched him, before. (Although he has no problem grabbing me and shaking me.) I put my hand over his. He looked up. "Hey, the kid's okay." He sighed. "When Trowa pulled him out of Sandrock, though, he was barely conscious. And Trowa kept going on about how he should have checked the wound before, and never let him fight. He wouldn't shut up, in fact. I wanted to gag him. Actually, it was sort of romantic." He snickered. (Wait - I guess he means...oh, huh.) "Poor Tro. Once the Maganacs showed up, that was it for him. Imagine," he said, shaking his head, "forty fanatical guys all ready to empty their arteries for their prince. Tro sorta got shoved into a corner and forgotten. So then Rashid - he's like Q's chief guard dog - said no one was to see Q. Guess he doesn't want it to leak that the Winner heir is a Gundam pilot. Still, that was rotten luck for Trowa."
So Duo was helping sneak Trowa past Quatre's watchdogs. That's sweet and noble, I guess, but...
"What?" he asked. Oops, guess I was pouting.
"Nothing," I sulked, shoving ice cream into my mouth. It was just- I mean- Couldn't he have...? Oh, what the hell. "You were here and you didn't come see me?!?!??"
At least he looked chagrined. "Sorry, Spiky." (Please tell me this is not a nickname he's going to become attached to.) "I was tired." Well, I guess he would be... "And I knew you weren't going anywhere." That's true, too. Still, couldn't he have lied gallantly? (e.g. "Zechs Merquise returned for one last battle and I had to fight him single handedly and very bravely and sexily" like that?) "I'm really sorry, Hil," he said. "I had to make sure Trowa ate. And I was running errands for Sally. And... I thought lots of people would be coming to see you. All your friends from OZ." (Hahahahahaaaa.) "'Sides, there were giants guarding you." I think he was trying to make me laugh. "Funny, I thought, what with genetics and all, your brothers would be, er, shorter."
"I look like my mother," I said, stabbing the ice cream with my spoon. Didn't find all the brownie chunks, but I did let off some steam.
He was quiet for a few minutes. Then he said, in this totally different voice I'd never heard him use, "You never mentioned your mother, before."
"That's because she died when I was five," I said. Stab, stab, stab.
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. She didn't live long enough to screw up my life." I tried to smile at him. It didn't quite work. "I miss her," I said. "A lot, sometimes." Like now, I realized, suddenly. Mom would have understood. I don't know how I knew that. I just did. "I don't really want to talk about my family right now, Duo."
"Why?" He dug into the ice cream tub and found a huge brownie chunk for me.
Because, because... Hmmm. Guess I did want to talk about my family to someone. I was thinking, though, that I would end up blubbering away to Sally, not to Duo. Would he understand? Turns out he did. Really, he was quite…wonderful. We talked a little bit when we were living on L2, but never about anything below the surface. He confessed some of his anxieties about the war, and I listened, and told him what I thought about it. But he never told me about his past. And I never told him about mine. It would have made us too close, I guess, and neither of us wanted that, because who knew if we'd even be alive same time next week? But now the war is over...
You know, I think talking to Duo, sharing ice cream and our pasts, was when it really hit me that the war is finally over.
So I told him everything. I told him what I remembered of my mom, and how it was growing up without her, how I missed her. I told him some of the scrapes I got into when I was little, despite having two older, overprotective brothers. I told him how proud I had been when my elder brother Carl became an officer of OZ, and how all I wanted to do was be just like him, and how Si couldn't because his asthma kept him out of the military. I thought maybe he would be annoyed when I bubbled about how amazing it had been to graduate second in my class, and how excited I was about being a soldier of OZ. He wasn't, though. ("Hilde, how can the regular soldiers know what the generals have in mind? You were betrayed like everyone else.")
He blushed - so did I - when I told him why I quit OZ.
"You inspired me," I said, looking him in the eye. I wanted him to know this.
"Well, you were a good pilot," he said, seriously. "I didn't like seeing that intensity misdirected."
I told how I'd missed my family and friends, living on L2, and how I wanted to do something to stop the war before they got hurt, and how I wanted to help the Gundam pilots. I told him how much it hurt that, even now that the war was over, my father still wouldn't speak to me, because I'd dishonored my oath or whatever, and because I chose to fight on the side opposite my brother's.
He told me about being a Sweeper and not having a family of any kind until he'd been more or less adopted by Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. "They were my family," he said, hugging his knees and looking at nothing really. "The first people who were really nice to me. They kept trying to tell me that there was a god of something other than Death, but I couldn't believe them. They ended up dying because I wasn't fast enough to save them. So whatever god they believed in couldn't..." He shrugged. "Sister Helen's last words were 'May you have God's blessing.' I know it was supposed to be a blessing, but sometimes I think she cursed me accidentally. I know which one she meant, but I was never really sure which god I got saddled with."
That's interesting. I always thought he thought he was the God of Death. Maybe I was wrong. I really don't know him very well. I don't know very much about theology, but I told him what I thought - what I really thought, that there's as many Gods as there are people and that everyone's is different. I don't mean we have our own personal god, but it's sort of a different concept for everyone. How could Sister Helen's god be anything but kind and wonderful? And how could what she gave him not have been a blessing, because look at everything he did so no one would have to die in pointless battles anymore. I don't know if I made myself at all clear.
"No, I think I sorta got that," he said. Then he went and found all the brownie chunks and fed them to me with his own spoon.
December 31
Good news! I think. Sally says I can go home in just a couple more days. Relena Peacecraft is going to make a speech in a couple minutes (have the TV turned on, already) in which, Sally says, she is going to talk about how wonderful it is that the war is over and that we must all go on with our lives, including the Gundam pilots, and then she is going to tell everyone to go home. Or something like that. The idea, I think, is to give the reporters and everyone some sort of finale (Sally hinted someone important - Lieutenant Noin or Lady Une?) might speak. Oh, it's starting. Poor Relena. I think
God, I forget what it was I thought before I heard a "tap, tap" on my window. I looked up and there was Duo.
"Can't you use the door?" I blurted, helping him in.
"Nah, it's cooler this way. Get a jacket." He looked excited about something. What was he up to?
"Where are we going?" I asked as he looked around the room for a jacket I don't own. He ended up yanking the blanket off my bed and throwing it around my shoulders. He was obviously taking me somewhere.
"The roof," he said, grinning. "C'mon, lazy girl. It's starting."
Whaaaat?
"Come on, Hilde." He grabbed my hand and pushed me out the door. Guess I'm glad he didn't shove me out the window. And we went…up on the roof.
It was cold up there. Wished, as soon as that blast of icy air hit my face, that he'd given me more than one blanket. And that I was wearing actual clothes and not a nightgown. He must've heard my teeth chattering because he pulled me under his arm (mmm, I'm just tall enough to fit there nicely), and tucked me against his side. "Come on," he said, pushing me forward.
There were lots of people up on the roof. Sally and Howard. A guy I recognized immediately as Trowa Barton. Mostly they were really tall guys in red fezzes - Quatre's Maganacs. They were all hovering around a wheelchair. The person in the wheelchair was obviously Quatre Raberba Winner, although I'd never seen him before. He didn't look quite the way I'd imagined him. I mean, he's very blond. I thought he would be dark. And despite the fact that he still looked really pale, and was just about smothered in blankets, he did look like a prince. Not my ideal prince, but like the ones in the faerie tales Gram used to read to me. They were always very young, and beautiful and golden. He is cute, QRW. (Sounds like a radio station: Here's Cute QRW, bringing you all your favorite romantic pop hits... Wonder if Duo will laugh at that.)
He was listening to the men fluttering around him, but he kept looking at Trowa Barton, who was standing off to the side by the edge of the roof, by himself. Mmm, TB really is the most exquisitely beautiful guy I've ever seen. He looked so lonely, I wanted to - well, there was a lot I wanted to do. But Duo sort of hinted that he was... Huh. Oh, well. Somehow I knew I could never begrudge Quatre Winner anything, and I'd give a lot to have a guy look at me the way he kept looking at Trowa Barton. But Trowa wasn't looking at him. He was staring off into space, over the buildings.
Duo (still pushing me) walked up to him. "How's the speech going?"
Trowa shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. He didn't even have a jacket! I wanted to give him my blanket. I didn't need it. I was quite hot all of a sudden.
"You can't really hear from here; that's the problem," Duo said, following Trowa's gaze. Ooh, I saw what they were looking at. An enormous screen had been set up on one of the buildings a few blocks away. There was Relena Peacecraft, looking a lot more like the Queen of the World than she had when I'd seen her last. And beside her, a little behind was...I knew, before Duo said it.
"Heero doesn't look too happy," Duo observed, sounding...amused?
"Would you be?" said Trowa.
"Guess not... Wonder how he got roped into doing it?"
Trowa shrugged again. "Maybe he really likes that girl."
Duo snorted. "Maybe she brainwashed him, more likely. Where's Wufei, by the way? I told him to get his ass over here."
I didn't really know what they were talking about, so I stopped listening. It was annoying not being able to tell what people were saying on the screen. Something nice - the camera kept panning to people in the crowd watching the speech, and they all looked pretty happy. Relena got a long applause when she finished her speech - I could hear it from way up there. Heero Yuy said a few words, afterward. Very few. I think he was up at the podium for about half a minute. Duo was right: he didn't look pleased to be there at all. After his speech Relena and Marquis Weyridge presented him with what looked like a medal. Duo started laughing uncontrollably at that point.
He stopped when we all heard a thundering of footsteps on the stairs leading up to the roof and then even more Maganacs (how many are there?) BURST onto the roof, all carrying...pizza boxes???
"All right." Duo slung an arm around Trowa's shoulders and propelled us both in the direction of the newcomers.
"Duo, pizza?" I said.
"Right, as usual."
"But...er, why?"
"Because it's New Years, Hilde," Sally said, coming up and putting a plastic cup in my hand.
It is! How in the world did I forget?
"A new year, a new world," Quatre observed sort of reverently, smiling up at everyone.
One of the Maganacs - the nice-looking one with dark sunglasses (at night, though?) - had found plastic leis and party hats somewhere and started passing them around. Howard went around filling everyone's cup with champagne. (Actually, I think Quatre and the Maganacs had non-alcoholic cider or something.)
It was a really nice party. There was music from way down below in the streets where other people were celebrating. Sally flirted outrageously with just about all the Maganacs and Howard. Duo only groused once about Heero and Wufei not showing up and then did all kinds of stupid things to make Trowa laugh. I mostly sat with Quatre talking about...I don't know. Nothing special or important at first, which was pretty nice for a change. He's really sweet. (Hard to believe he's a terrorist. Was, I mean. But I guess Duo's a really nice guy, too, when he's not out killing people.) Then he said,
"Miss Hilde, I want you to know...I know what it's like to have a parent not understand what you're doing."
I looked at him sharply. Duo told him about me and my problems?
"Don't be mad at Duo," he said. "He wanted me to tell you, so you'd know you're not alone."
Well, I- Before I even had time to get huffy and indignant, Howard shouted, "Ten seconds, folks!"
Sally refilled everyone's cup while we shouted the ritual countdown. I looked around frantically for Duo.
"Three...two...one!!!"
Shouts of "Happy New Year!" rose from the streets and all around, then that faded as people down below started singing "Auld Lange Syne."
But…but… Rats.
I threw my arms around Quatre and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. He blushed. "Miss Hilde?"
"It's tradition," I explained, standing up and trying to hide the fact that I was suddenly tearing up. "Auld Lange Syne" always makes me cry, but this time it wasn't just the song. I wanted to go back downstairs.
I was about to turn to go, when someone behind me said, "Got any for me, Schbeicker?" Duo!
I whirled around. "You're late." I choked - did he hear it, over the singing?
"Sorry, babe." He looked sorry. "Sally ambushed me." He grinned sort of wickedly. "Now she's on to Trowa." He held his arms out to me. And I threw myself against him, hugging him tightly. He put a finger under my chin, tilted my face back. "Happy New Year, Hilde-mine," he whispered, and kissed me (really kissed me - not like before) on the lips.
"Duo, Miss Hilde, look!" Quatre exclaimed breathlessly, pointing up at the sky. I looked.
Fireworks! They flew up into the sky like glittering pinwheels, exploding in suns and stars and flowers, sparkling red, green, blue, silver, and gold. I felt like a firework - that's how high I was all of a sudden. It was the champagne, it was being up so high, it was everything all at once. I laughed out loud and, looking from Duo to Quatre, saw they were dazzled, too. Everyone on the roof had gone very quiet and just stood there, watching the fireworks.
"They're for you," I whispered, leaning my cheek against Duo's chest. "It's all for you."
"It's for you, too," he murmured. "We couldn't have done it without you, Hil."
I looked up at him. He was smiling - really smiling, like I'd never seen him smile before, and his eyes were positively dancing. "The war is over," he said softly and I realized it had finally hit home for him, at that exact moment. "It's over!" And then he picked me up in the air and, laughing, twirled me around under the exploding sky. "It's over, baby! It's finally over."
January 1, AC 196
Okay, okay. I'm sure you've realized it long before me. I'm a little slow. But that was the moment, when he picked me up and started dancing me around the rooftop, that it finally hit me just how totally, madly, insanely in love with him I am.
Oh, shit.
2001
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Rating: teen
Ships: Duo/Hilde, Quatre/Trowa
Summary: While recovering from her injuries, Hilde reflects on her reasons for deserting OZ, the truce between Earth and the Colonies, and her feelings for Duo. 7,700 words.
A/N: This is my second or third GW story, written in early 2001. q_sama got me thinking about it recently, and I realized it wasn't archived anywhere. It falls between Duo's Lie (which was my first GW fic, and still one of my favorites) and Surfacing (which is about Hilde's actions during "Endless Waltz.") Trowa/Quatre was my OTP, but, looking back, I think I wrote Duo/Hilde better. Maybe because I didn't feel like I was writing AN EPIC EPIC LOVE STORY. Or maybe because Hilde's really a lot of fun to write, and interesting. I mean, she's introduced as a low-ranking OZ soldier. She should be a red shirt. But she's not. I love that one of the common soldiers gets to make a difference and LIVE.
December 28, AC 195
I haven't kept a diary since I was little. Still, right now I have nothing better to do. The news is fascinating, but there's only so much time I can spend just staring at a TV screen, especially when they keep broadcasting images of the Earth and the Colonies looking beautiful and free and happy. And I can't go see them for myself, yet.
Duo says I'm not a patient patient. He's such an idiot.
Anyway, he got me this book, not to put to any practical use, but because it has penguins on it, and he knows I like penguins. The pen he got me has penguins on it, too. They're purple. Maybe I'll try to draw one in this book, so when the pen runs out, I'll remember what they look like. I mean, it's just a pen. But it's from him.
He was there when I first woke up. I thought I was dreaming. But in my dreams he's always perfect, and he definitely wasn't perfect then, so I knew I was really awake.
He looked awful. There were dark circles under his eyes, purple as bruises (maybe they were bruises), his usually oh-so-neat braid was messy, and he looked as if he'd been wearing the same clothes for a week. (I mean, he does wear the same clothes for weeks at a time, but he usually cleans them - or sweet talks me into cleaning them - every few days.)
I was frightened at first. I didn't know where I was. I knew I had to be in an infirmary. The awful sterile smell and the bright lights I've always associated with infirmaries was the first thing I noticed. But an infirmary where? Was I still on Peacemillion? Was the battle still going on? Was I back on the Earth? I remembered being attacked by the Mercurius and the Vayate. I remembered Duo screaming at me. But that was thelast thing I remembered. Had he been able to put that stuff I downloaded from Libra's main computer to use?
I have family on the Earth. My grandma, my father, and my brothers live there. When I learned that the White Fang's true objective was to destroy the Earth, I'd been terrified. I had to do something to stop White Fang. But- Okay, it's going to sound really dumb, but when I woke up in that infirmary, not knowing where I was or what had happened while I was out, the thing that frightened me the most, that snapped through me like a bolt of electricity was, Is Duo still angry at me?
I struggled to get up. I had to ask him.
He noticed me wriggling, finally, and jumped out of his chair by my bed. He looked so tired. And really anxious. That was what really got to me. He was worried. I tried to smile. It hurt.
"Hey, Duo," I croaked.
His eyes flashed. Some time I'm going to have to write down exactly what his eyes are like. It's going to take time to get it exactly right. And while I have the time right now - that's not what I want to think about. It will make lying here harder.
Anyway, he- Well, I couldn't tell if he was still angry or not. He looked like he was maybe trying to be. I was waiting for him to start shouting.
Instead, he kissed me.
Of all the things he could have said or done, I was not expecting that.
It wasn't a big deal, the kiss. It wasn't like in the faerie tales my grandma used to tell me when I was a kid. He sure as hell wasn't a prince, and he didn't sweep me up in his arms with a soulful cry of "Oh, Hilde, at last!" and then smash my mouth with his own. He sort of leaned over (he had to grab the edge of the bed to steady himself because he was shaking), and brushed the corner of my mouth with his lips. Then his stupid braid slipped down over his shoulder and hit me in the face.
He brushed it aside with the back of his hand and grinned. "Hey there, Hilde-sleepy-baby."
He hardly ever calls me by just my name.
"You can't do anything right, can you?" I whispered.
"You're one to talk, dumb girl," he answered cheekily. But I guess he was right.
"Are you still mad at me, Duo?" I asked, as meekly as I could. For some reason this was very important - more important than who had won the war, if anyone even had, yet.
He sighed and made a big deal of straightening out my blanket before he answered. "I was," he said. "I was really angry. But I'm not, anymore." He smiled. "Don't cry, Hilde-bunny. I've never seen you cry."
Was I crying? My throat suddenly seemed full of something. "I'm not crying."
"Sure. Merry Christmas, by the way."
I didn't want to cry. I tried to smile, instead. Before I could do either, though, I fell back to sleep.
I didn't actually find out where I was until I woke up again the next day. That was yesterday. I'm in a hospital on MO2, the resource satellite between the Earth and what was the battleship Libra. The battle has been over for four days. Neither side really won, although now there's peace. Or the beginnings of peace - we all hope. In any case, there are lots of speeches from important delegations from the Earth and the Colonies. I've watched a few of them on the small monitor in my room until I got bored.
A terrible catastrophe was averted. Treize Khushrenada was killed in battle. No one knows where Miliardo Peacecraft/Zechs Merquise is. Marquis Weyridge is standing as Earth's spokesman in the negotiations with the Colony government officials. Lady Une, Treize's former second-in-command, has gone to the Colonies as his ambassador.
(That surprises me, actually. I remember seeing her once or twice when I was in training as an OZ soldier, and she never struck me as the diplomatic type. I guess people change. Treize's death must have really affected her deeply. Everyone always said how crazy she was for him. Literally crazy. On all the broadcasts they've been doing of all her speeches she's the epitome of graciousness.)
And the Gundam pilots are heroes, finally. Duo told me once that he didn't want to be anyone's hero, but I'm glad. The Gundam pilots are the ones who really ended the war.
Saw Duo only once since the day after Christmas, when I woke up. He was here yesterday afternoon, but he only stayed long enough to bring me a bunch of newspapers, some Chinese takeout ("Because it's a well-documented fact that hospital food sucks," he said), and this book. My one Christmas present. I bet he's busy hiding from reporters and people who want to give him awards. They got him on the television once, earlier this morning. He tried to joke around, but I could tell he wasn't pleased about being there. I was surprised he didn't just let them have it. (I could tell, even on the TV, that he really wanted to.) I wonder where the other pilots are. There's supposed to be one in this hospital with me, but they're keeping that very quiet. I only know because Dr. Po told me. Anyway, I don't know what I'd say if he did come by again and I was capable of coherent speech (i.e. not heavily medicated).
What to make of that kiss?
I'm not in love with him. I don't want you to think I am. I hardly know him. We lived together for three months on colony L2-X34 and nothing happened. He's special to me, though. Before I met him I'd never known anyone so open about their convictions. He saw right through the hypocrisy of OZ's treatment of the Colonies. Well, a lot of people did, I guess. But he was willing to do something about it, and he didn't really seem to care about what might happen to him as a result.
He told me once that he fought so other people wouldn't have to. I still think that's the loneliest thing I ever heard.
Hmf. The kiss probably meant something like, "Oh, goody, she's awake. Now I can catch up on my cartoons!" No, that's mean. And it's not like him. I think he was glad to see me.
Could I mean something to him, too?
Okay, I guess I have a little bit of a crush on him, but that's all. Sometimes he can be so delicious...
Stop it, Hilde. He's crazy. He thinks he's the God of Death.
Never fall in love with anyone who thinks he's the God of Death. Or any kind of a god. He's not. And I don't want to fall in love with him.
December 29
I haven't seen very many people besides Sally Po (who's wonderful). She says there are reporters everywhere and lots of them have tried to get in to see that other Gundam pilot (and me), and his people apparently don't want that, so the hospital staff has hired a lot of extra security to make sure no unauthorized person enters. Which is nice on the one hand, because I have no desire to talk to a bunch of reporters (and I might have more trouble controlling myself than Duo - being stuck in bed all day makes me crabby). On the other hand, I want to see the people I care about. A few of my friends from OZ are on MO2. Sally was able to slip me a few notes, but told me she couldn't arrange clearance for them. Angie sent me this silly note:
Hey, babe. Heard you deserted for some hot rebel. Kudos. Glad you made it. Seeya when you're free?
It's so odd. When I left OZ, I never really thought about who I was leaving. I mean, I hated the organization, what it stood for, and what it was doing to the Colonies and Earth. It wasn't until later, when I was at L2 living as a civilian (more or less) that I realized I hadn't just left OZ. I'd left my comrades and my friends as well. And I missed them. Even when I watched on the news Colony citizens rounded up by OZ soldiers to be used as hostages, I couldn't help thinking about Angie, Jenny, and the others. I didn't want to have to fight them, ever. When I snuck onto Libra to steal that data, I did it as much for the Gundam pilots as for my friends. I wanted the war to end. Still, will my (former?) friends who fought for OZ understand that? I'm a little afraid of seeing them when I get out of this hospital.
I never really thought of my leaving OZ as desertion, either. But Laura sent me this note:
Schbeicker! No hard feelings. Glad you're okay. Seeya at your court martial.
Damn Laura. Court martial? Oh, hell.
December 30
Huh. Guess I should start at the beginning of the day, although- Well, what happened was, my brother came to see me. It was so unexpected. It wasn't that I didn't think he would come. Oh, well, I guess I didn't, considering. But in my heart I really hoped some miracle would happen and he would. It was just that I hadn't seen anyone for the past two days and I was going out of my mind with boredom. That's sort of where I have to start, I guess. It's pretty embarrassing, looking back, but... Well, anyway. This morning.
"I want to leave. Now," I told Sally when she came to check on me. "I feel fine," I insisted. "Honestly. I've been walking around this room for the past day and a half. I won't go far. I won't exert myself. I promise. I just can't stay here any longer."
Sally put her hands on her hips and looked down at me - not skeptically, really. Warily, more like. "You take one step out of this hospital, and you will be trampled by reporters. They're everywhere."
"Sneak me out, then," I said, a little ashamed of the desperate squeak I couldn't get out of my voice. "Dress me in scrubs - put me in an ambulance. I have friends - er, somewhere. I'll find them." I'd probably have made a stronger argument if I hadn't nearly fallen over trying to get out of bed. Sally had to help me sit down.
"Sorry, kiddo." Sally shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. "I know you don't believe me right now, but I'm doing you a favor. You'll thank me later on."
It isn't later on, yet.
Anyway, that was around ten this morning. I spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon sitting by my window (I did have enough strength to pull my chair over there, thank you very much), and sniveling. I had the window open so I could feel the breeze on my face. It was pretty cold - well, it's late December - but it felt so good. I hate the way hospitals smell. In comparison, the winter air was heavenly. It was a really pretty day, too. I'm sitting on the windowsill writing this, right now and I'm high up enough to see out over most of the buildings. I can see a corner of the space station and the landing platform where all day ships were landing and taking off. Beyond that the satellite hasn't been built over with pavement, yet. It's night now, but before the winter sun was a kind of pale lemondrop yellow, and the sky, I swear, was as blue as the robin's eggs I used to collect as a kid. There weren't any clouds, although sometimes a really big shuttle blocked the sun, turning everything grey. There was tall yellow-brown grass around the landing platform that waved in the wind and shimmered - I guess with frost.
It was quiet. Well, I guess most people were working. There were occasional blasts of sound from what must have been construction sites, but that was about it. I couldn't see any evil reporters, but that didn't mean they weren't there, prowling. There were a few hospital workers - mostly maintenance people (I wondered if any of them were reporters in disguise), then around noon a handful of doctors and nurses took their lunch outside. One of them looked up from his pizza (mmmm...). I waved. I couldn't really hear him, but I think he shouted something like, "Close that window before you catch cold!"
It was all quite depressing.
Obviously the world had forgotten I existed. Sally hadn't come to see me since early in the morning since I wasn't in such bad shape that she had to check on me constantly to make sure I was still breathing. (I'd lost a lot of blood, broken some ribs, and I had a concussion.) Duo hadn't been by since he brought me this book. (Maybe I'm not really that special to him? Or maybe he's been really, really busy. Please? Oh, hell, what do I care?) And there hadn't been any notes lately from my so-called friends in OZ. I'd even have welcomed that bitch Laura if she'd deigned to pay me a visit. Hmf.
I started to sniffle and before I knew it I was crying hard. I'm really not a crybaby, but just then I felt so abandoned. And you know how a good cry is supposed to make you feel better? It didn't. It just made me feel more pathetic as I grabbed tissue after tissue and dabbed my nose and eyes with them.
So of course, right then the door opened. "GO AWAY!" I screamed (which I know doesn't make any sense, looking back). But when I turned around and saw exactly who had obviously stumbled into the wrong room - I just sort of stared for a moment. Then he said, "Hey, kitten," and I burst into tears all over again.
Si made a hurt face. "I thought you'd be glad to see me." Doof.
"Of course I'm glad to see you!" I bawled and half-flung myself across the room at him. He caught me up in a hug that absolutely squashed me. I don't remember what I said after that, if it was even English. I just hugged him and sobbed and babbled stupidly into his shoulder the way I used to when I was really little. (He's so tall. I can't believe I forgot that. It's been so long.)
When I finally finished he set me down on my bed and sat in the chair by the window. "I brought you something," he said, pulling a small, white box out of his coat.
"What is it?"
"Open it, doof."
It was all tied up with really strong bakery thread (which gave me an idea as to who it was really from), and I couldn't tear through it with my teeth, so he lent me his pocketknife. "Strudel!" I practically screamed when I saw what was hidden under the tissue paper.
"Gram sent it," he said unnecessarily.
"I'm going to cry again," I warned him, tearing up.
"Just don't do it on my jacket," he said, taking off his beloved leather jacket (I remember when Kim got it for him). "Okay, ready," he said, holding his arms out to me.
Oh, Simon, Simon, Simon.
I didn't cry again. I just gave him a big hug. Then I broke the strudel (cherry!) in half and handed him a piece. Oh, my lordchristalmighty. My grandma makes the best cherry strudel in the world. I hadn't had it in so long, and I thought I'd never have it again. (Just writing about it is making my mouth water, even though I've had waaaaayyy too many sweets today.) I really thought I might never see anyone in my family ever again.
We talked for a while, not about the war, and not too much about the rest of the family. I hardly remember what we talked about, really - just everything we could think of. I mean, I hadn't seen him for almost a year, and there was a lot I had to tell him. Stupid things, some of them: movies I'd seen and really liked or hated, if he'd heard so-and-so's latest album, that sort of thing. I told him all about what it was like getting to pilot a mobile suit. That was relatively safe territory. But it led to other things I felt less comfortable talking about. I felt a little shy talking about Duo. I didn't want him to think I'd left OZ for some guy - I didn't! - and I hesitated mentioning what life was like on the Colonies.
He told me about his job ("Sucks!"), about Kim ("Every time I see gram she asks when she's gonna get some great-grandkids. How his favorite hockey team was doing (long string of curses that do not bear repeating), etc. He was telling me about the woes visited upon him by his beloved (but chronically breaking) car ("I got about five miles down the road when the damn bumper fell off-again") when he broke off, looked at me kind of funny, and said, "Er, Hil, there's someone on your window."
I looked over at the window and almost jumped out of my socks when I saw Duo (yeah, who else?) sort of wedged in the casement, waving frantically. "Excuse me," I told Simon. I got up and opened the window. Duo spilled in, shivering (he wasn't wearing a jacket!), rubbing his arms, and making pitiful sounds.
"Thanks, Hilde," he said, grinning weakly, and leaning on me while I closed the window. "This is the sort of thing I'm reduced to. I swear, there are reporters EVERYWHERE."
"Uhh..." I said.
"Hello," said Si.
Duo looked up then, saw my brother (don't know how he'd missed him before), and jumped backwards.
I swear, nothing phases Si. He got up and held out a hand. "I'm Hilde's big brother."
Duo gulped. "I agree!" Hmm. Guess Si did tower over Duo. Funny, I never thought of Duo as being that short. But I guess he is, comparatively. Maybe every guy just seems big, compared to me. "Er." Duo looked uncomfortably from Si to me. I think he might have mumbled something about having to go find Trowa Barton, and I swear, just slipped out of the room (through the door) like he was made out of water.
Si stared after him. "So that was Duo Maxwell."
I nodded. "Pretty much." It made me want to laugh - but it also made me sad, thinking of the hero of Earth and the Colonies, having to sneak through a window. He looked tired, too, I thought, that brief glimpse I had of him. Poor Duo.
Si said, "I saw him on TV in an interview. He's impossible not to recognize."
My cheeks suddenly went hot. I don't know what it was, but something in his voice made me think, Oh my god, he does think I just ran off with some guy. I didn't want to come out and say it, of course, because then - well, what if I was wrong? Then I would put the thought into his head and he'd think that's really what it was when it wasn't. Instead I said, carefully, trying to sound like I was just curious, didn't care: "Do Dad and Carl ever...ask about me?"
Simon looked at me all serious. I knew what he would say. I sat down heavily. He put his arm around my shoulders. I shook him off. He sighed. At least he sounded angry when he said, "I'm sorry, Hilde, they don't."
Oh, god. They are never going to forgive me. Never, never, never.
How is it possible to have grown up knowing four people, two of whom believe you without question, two of whom, who have known you for an equal amount of time, can be so stupidly, stupidly stubborn and blind?
Before he left I made Simon understand a few things.
1. I did not just defect from OZ. Yeah, it happened pretty quickly, but that's how long it took me to open my eyes. I saw what OZ was doing, and I couldn't go along with it anymore.
2. Of course I knew what I was leaving when I left OZ. I knew I was leaving behind my friends and my family. It didn't occur to me at first that I might end up fighting against them. When I left OZ I hadn't actually meant to fight anyone else ever again. And when I did go back to the battle, my target was the White Fang, not OZ. I wasn't helping OZ, but I wasn't fighting it, either.
3. Yes, I swore an oath when I joined OZ. And yeah, I guess I broke it. But what about OZ's promise to me? What about their promise that through them I would be helping to keep the Colonies safe and peaceful? I joined OZ because - okay, because Carl was an officer and all I wanted to do was follow in my eldest brother's footsteps. But it was also because I love Outer Space. I remember visiting the Colonies when I was little. I wanted to help keep them as beautiful as I remembered. I didn't want to fight and die for Treize Khushrenada, though.
4. Oh, and Duo. (This wasn't the part I told Si.) I can just hear Angie: "You were cooking him dinner and you weren't getting any??" That wasn't what it was about. Okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't find him attractive, but it was more like... I guess I saw in him what I wanted to be. I wished I could do what he did, but I couldn't, so I wanted to be there for him, be what he needed, the way I wished there was someone there for me.
I think I made Si understand. He said he would work on Dad and Carl. And I know I'll be Gram's baby whatever I do.
I'm not afraid of any court martial. There isn't going to be one. Laura is just a mean bitch. I mean, OZ doesn't exist anymore. And Sally would have mentioned it, because she defected, too. I'd almost prefer one, though, to this coldness from my father and my other brother. Why don't they understand? Just because Carl stayed with OZ... Well, fine. But what about my loyalty to my own integrity? I think that should supercede any oath I swore. And dammit, I wasn't wrong.
But I wish there was someone here who would tell me that.
Anyway, that was this afternoon. In the evening, he came to see me. Through the door, this time. He came armed with a big tub of Ben & Jerry's, and two spoons. I was busy trying to figure out how many sheets I'd have to steal for me to shimmy down the side of the hospital.
"Don't do it, Schbeicker," he said, leaning against the doorframe. "It's nippy out. And your hospital gown'll fly right up."
"I see you figured out how to use the door," I said, all hoity-toity.
"Yeah, well," he said, grinning weakly and scratching the back of his neck, "just because I can do something doesn't mean I like to do it. No giants this time?" he asked, peering cautiously around the door.
"He's not really that big and scary."
"Umm...yeah, he is. C'mon and eat this stuff before it melts." He handed me a spoon.
We sat together on my bed and dug into the ice cream. Oooh, I haven't had good ice cream in sooo long. It was chocolate and had (I swear) chunks of every kind of candy known to man mixed in. Let no one disparage Duo Maxwell's intelligence ever again! He also had, tucked under his jacket, a bag of clean clothes for me, a couple trashy ladies' magazines ("Very educational; now I know what colors I should wear this spring, AND how to give terrific head"-he's kidding, surely??) and some more newspapers.
He told me what he had been doing for the past few days. "Mostly hiding from reporters. Dunno how Heero and Wufei managed to get away, but I swear, they just disappeared." He looked a little wistful. Guess no one's been giving him a break. "Also trying to help Trowa get to see Quatre. You remember Trowa, right? We saw him at the circus..."
"Trowa's the really hot one, right?" Like I would forget a face like that - even though I only saw half of it.
Duo (sounding a little grieved): "No, that's me."
Me: "Really? Then who's the clown?"
He grabbed my pillow and hit me with it.
He's worried about Trowa, more I think than he is about Quatre Winner, the pilot in the hospital whom everyone's been hush-hush about. "Quatre's okay, now," he explained, looking out the window and forgetting the spoonful of ice cream that was melting in his hand. I put the tub under it to collect the drip. "It was kinda scary for a while, though. That Catalonia bitch stuck a fencing foil right through him."
I nodded. (I remember Dorothy Catalonia, the scary blonde girl with the awful eyebrows who was so witchy to Relena Peacecraft on Libra. I overheard her saying the Mercurius and Vayate had been programmed with data from Heero Yuy and Trowa Barton. I wonder what happened to her. Hope she and her scary eyebrows blew up with Libra.) I've never heard Duo sound so furious.
"And of course, Trowa blames himself."
For...Scary Dorothy stabbing Quatre?
"Tro didn't realize how badly hurt Quatre was when he chased Dorothy off. And of course Q didn't let on he was bleeding to death. I mean, he seemed to be fighting okay. Christ." He shook his head. He looked really tired. I wondered - should I give him a hug? I really wanted to, but I wasn't sure... I've never really...touched him, before. (Although he has no problem grabbing me and shaking me.) I put my hand over his. He looked up. "Hey, the kid's okay." He sighed. "When Trowa pulled him out of Sandrock, though, he was barely conscious. And Trowa kept going on about how he should have checked the wound before, and never let him fight. He wouldn't shut up, in fact. I wanted to gag him. Actually, it was sort of romantic." He snickered. (Wait - I guess he means...oh, huh.) "Poor Tro. Once the Maganacs showed up, that was it for him. Imagine," he said, shaking his head, "forty fanatical guys all ready to empty their arteries for their prince. Tro sorta got shoved into a corner and forgotten. So then Rashid - he's like Q's chief guard dog - said no one was to see Q. Guess he doesn't want it to leak that the Winner heir is a Gundam pilot. Still, that was rotten luck for Trowa."
So Duo was helping sneak Trowa past Quatre's watchdogs. That's sweet and noble, I guess, but...
"What?" he asked. Oops, guess I was pouting.
"Nothing," I sulked, shoving ice cream into my mouth. It was just- I mean- Couldn't he have...? Oh, what the hell. "You were here and you didn't come see me?!?!??"
At least he looked chagrined. "Sorry, Spiky." (Please tell me this is not a nickname he's going to become attached to.) "I was tired." Well, I guess he would be... "And I knew you weren't going anywhere." That's true, too. Still, couldn't he have lied gallantly? (e.g. "Zechs Merquise returned for one last battle and I had to fight him single handedly and very bravely and sexily" like that?) "I'm really sorry, Hil," he said. "I had to make sure Trowa ate. And I was running errands for Sally. And... I thought lots of people would be coming to see you. All your friends from OZ." (Hahahahahaaaa.) "'Sides, there were giants guarding you." I think he was trying to make me laugh. "Funny, I thought, what with genetics and all, your brothers would be, er, shorter."
"I look like my mother," I said, stabbing the ice cream with my spoon. Didn't find all the brownie chunks, but I did let off some steam.
He was quiet for a few minutes. Then he said, in this totally different voice I'd never heard him use, "You never mentioned your mother, before."
"That's because she died when I was five," I said. Stab, stab, stab.
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. She didn't live long enough to screw up my life." I tried to smile at him. It didn't quite work. "I miss her," I said. "A lot, sometimes." Like now, I realized, suddenly. Mom would have understood. I don't know how I knew that. I just did. "I don't really want to talk about my family right now, Duo."
"Why?" He dug into the ice cream tub and found a huge brownie chunk for me.
Because, because... Hmmm. Guess I did want to talk about my family to someone. I was thinking, though, that I would end up blubbering away to Sally, not to Duo. Would he understand? Turns out he did. Really, he was quite…wonderful. We talked a little bit when we were living on L2, but never about anything below the surface. He confessed some of his anxieties about the war, and I listened, and told him what I thought about it. But he never told me about his past. And I never told him about mine. It would have made us too close, I guess, and neither of us wanted that, because who knew if we'd even be alive same time next week? But now the war is over...
You know, I think talking to Duo, sharing ice cream and our pasts, was when it really hit me that the war is finally over.
So I told him everything. I told him what I remembered of my mom, and how it was growing up without her, how I missed her. I told him some of the scrapes I got into when I was little, despite having two older, overprotective brothers. I told him how proud I had been when my elder brother Carl became an officer of OZ, and how all I wanted to do was be just like him, and how Si couldn't because his asthma kept him out of the military. I thought maybe he would be annoyed when I bubbled about how amazing it had been to graduate second in my class, and how excited I was about being a soldier of OZ. He wasn't, though. ("Hilde, how can the regular soldiers know what the generals have in mind? You were betrayed like everyone else.")
He blushed - so did I - when I told him why I quit OZ.
"You inspired me," I said, looking him in the eye. I wanted him to know this.
"Well, you were a good pilot," he said, seriously. "I didn't like seeing that intensity misdirected."
I told how I'd missed my family and friends, living on L2, and how I wanted to do something to stop the war before they got hurt, and how I wanted to help the Gundam pilots. I told him how much it hurt that, even now that the war was over, my father still wouldn't speak to me, because I'd dishonored my oath or whatever, and because I chose to fight on the side opposite my brother's.
He told me about being a Sweeper and not having a family of any kind until he'd been more or less adopted by Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. "They were my family," he said, hugging his knees and looking at nothing really. "The first people who were really nice to me. They kept trying to tell me that there was a god of something other than Death, but I couldn't believe them. They ended up dying because I wasn't fast enough to save them. So whatever god they believed in couldn't..." He shrugged. "Sister Helen's last words were 'May you have God's blessing.' I know it was supposed to be a blessing, but sometimes I think she cursed me accidentally. I know which one she meant, but I was never really sure which god I got saddled with."
That's interesting. I always thought he thought he was the God of Death. Maybe I was wrong. I really don't know him very well. I don't know very much about theology, but I told him what I thought - what I really thought, that there's as many Gods as there are people and that everyone's is different. I don't mean we have our own personal god, but it's sort of a different concept for everyone. How could Sister Helen's god be anything but kind and wonderful? And how could what she gave him not have been a blessing, because look at everything he did so no one would have to die in pointless battles anymore. I don't know if I made myself at all clear.
"No, I think I sorta got that," he said. Then he went and found all the brownie chunks and fed them to me with his own spoon.
December 31
Good news! I think. Sally says I can go home in just a couple more days. Relena Peacecraft is going to make a speech in a couple minutes (have the TV turned on, already) in which, Sally says, she is going to talk about how wonderful it is that the war is over and that we must all go on with our lives, including the Gundam pilots, and then she is going to tell everyone to go home. Or something like that. The idea, I think, is to give the reporters and everyone some sort of finale (Sally hinted someone important - Lieutenant Noin or Lady Une?) might speak. Oh, it's starting. Poor Relena. I think
God, I forget what it was I thought before I heard a "tap, tap" on my window. I looked up and there was Duo.
"Can't you use the door?" I blurted, helping him in.
"Nah, it's cooler this way. Get a jacket." He looked excited about something. What was he up to?
"Where are we going?" I asked as he looked around the room for a jacket I don't own. He ended up yanking the blanket off my bed and throwing it around my shoulders. He was obviously taking me somewhere.
"The roof," he said, grinning. "C'mon, lazy girl. It's starting."
Whaaaat?
"Come on, Hilde." He grabbed my hand and pushed me out the door. Guess I'm glad he didn't shove me out the window. And we went…up on the roof.
It was cold up there. Wished, as soon as that blast of icy air hit my face, that he'd given me more than one blanket. And that I was wearing actual clothes and not a nightgown. He must've heard my teeth chattering because he pulled me under his arm (mmm, I'm just tall enough to fit there nicely), and tucked me against his side. "Come on," he said, pushing me forward.
There were lots of people up on the roof. Sally and Howard. A guy I recognized immediately as Trowa Barton. Mostly they were really tall guys in red fezzes - Quatre's Maganacs. They were all hovering around a wheelchair. The person in the wheelchair was obviously Quatre Raberba Winner, although I'd never seen him before. He didn't look quite the way I'd imagined him. I mean, he's very blond. I thought he would be dark. And despite the fact that he still looked really pale, and was just about smothered in blankets, he did look like a prince. Not my ideal prince, but like the ones in the faerie tales Gram used to read to me. They were always very young, and beautiful and golden. He is cute, QRW. (Sounds like a radio station: Here's Cute QRW, bringing you all your favorite romantic pop hits... Wonder if Duo will laugh at that.)
He was listening to the men fluttering around him, but he kept looking at Trowa Barton, who was standing off to the side by the edge of the roof, by himself. Mmm, TB really is the most exquisitely beautiful guy I've ever seen. He looked so lonely, I wanted to - well, there was a lot I wanted to do. But Duo sort of hinted that he was... Huh. Oh, well. Somehow I knew I could never begrudge Quatre Winner anything, and I'd give a lot to have a guy look at me the way he kept looking at Trowa Barton. But Trowa wasn't looking at him. He was staring off into space, over the buildings.
Duo (still pushing me) walked up to him. "How's the speech going?"
Trowa shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. He didn't even have a jacket! I wanted to give him my blanket. I didn't need it. I was quite hot all of a sudden.
"You can't really hear from here; that's the problem," Duo said, following Trowa's gaze. Ooh, I saw what they were looking at. An enormous screen had been set up on one of the buildings a few blocks away. There was Relena Peacecraft, looking a lot more like the Queen of the World than she had when I'd seen her last. And beside her, a little behind was...I knew, before Duo said it.
"Heero doesn't look too happy," Duo observed, sounding...amused?
"Would you be?" said Trowa.
"Guess not... Wonder how he got roped into doing it?"
Trowa shrugged again. "Maybe he really likes that girl."
Duo snorted. "Maybe she brainwashed him, more likely. Where's Wufei, by the way? I told him to get his ass over here."
I didn't really know what they were talking about, so I stopped listening. It was annoying not being able to tell what people were saying on the screen. Something nice - the camera kept panning to people in the crowd watching the speech, and they all looked pretty happy. Relena got a long applause when she finished her speech - I could hear it from way up there. Heero Yuy said a few words, afterward. Very few. I think he was up at the podium for about half a minute. Duo was right: he didn't look pleased to be there at all. After his speech Relena and Marquis Weyridge presented him with what looked like a medal. Duo started laughing uncontrollably at that point.
He stopped when we all heard a thundering of footsteps on the stairs leading up to the roof and then even more Maganacs (how many are there?) BURST onto the roof, all carrying...pizza boxes???
"All right." Duo slung an arm around Trowa's shoulders and propelled us both in the direction of the newcomers.
"Duo, pizza?" I said.
"Right, as usual."
"But...er, why?"
"Because it's New Years, Hilde," Sally said, coming up and putting a plastic cup in my hand.
It is! How in the world did I forget?
"A new year, a new world," Quatre observed sort of reverently, smiling up at everyone.
One of the Maganacs - the nice-looking one with dark sunglasses (at night, though?) - had found plastic leis and party hats somewhere and started passing them around. Howard went around filling everyone's cup with champagne. (Actually, I think Quatre and the Maganacs had non-alcoholic cider or something.)
It was a really nice party. There was music from way down below in the streets where other people were celebrating. Sally flirted outrageously with just about all the Maganacs and Howard. Duo only groused once about Heero and Wufei not showing up and then did all kinds of stupid things to make Trowa laugh. I mostly sat with Quatre talking about...I don't know. Nothing special or important at first, which was pretty nice for a change. He's really sweet. (Hard to believe he's a terrorist. Was, I mean. But I guess Duo's a really nice guy, too, when he's not out killing people.) Then he said,
"Miss Hilde, I want you to know...I know what it's like to have a parent not understand what you're doing."
I looked at him sharply. Duo told him about me and my problems?
"Don't be mad at Duo," he said. "He wanted me to tell you, so you'd know you're not alone."
Well, I- Before I even had time to get huffy and indignant, Howard shouted, "Ten seconds, folks!"
Sally refilled everyone's cup while we shouted the ritual countdown. I looked around frantically for Duo.
"Three...two...one!!!"
Shouts of "Happy New Year!" rose from the streets and all around, then that faded as people down below started singing "Auld Lange Syne."
But…but… Rats.
I threw my arms around Quatre and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. He blushed. "Miss Hilde?"
"It's tradition," I explained, standing up and trying to hide the fact that I was suddenly tearing up. "Auld Lange Syne" always makes me cry, but this time it wasn't just the song. I wanted to go back downstairs.
I was about to turn to go, when someone behind me said, "Got any for me, Schbeicker?" Duo!
I whirled around. "You're late." I choked - did he hear it, over the singing?
"Sorry, babe." He looked sorry. "Sally ambushed me." He grinned sort of wickedly. "Now she's on to Trowa." He held his arms out to me. And I threw myself against him, hugging him tightly. He put a finger under my chin, tilted my face back. "Happy New Year, Hilde-mine," he whispered, and kissed me (really kissed me - not like before) on the lips.
"Duo, Miss Hilde, look!" Quatre exclaimed breathlessly, pointing up at the sky. I looked.
Fireworks! They flew up into the sky like glittering pinwheels, exploding in suns and stars and flowers, sparkling red, green, blue, silver, and gold. I felt like a firework - that's how high I was all of a sudden. It was the champagne, it was being up so high, it was everything all at once. I laughed out loud and, looking from Duo to Quatre, saw they were dazzled, too. Everyone on the roof had gone very quiet and just stood there, watching the fireworks.
"They're for you," I whispered, leaning my cheek against Duo's chest. "It's all for you."
"It's for you, too," he murmured. "We couldn't have done it without you, Hil."
I looked up at him. He was smiling - really smiling, like I'd never seen him smile before, and his eyes were positively dancing. "The war is over," he said softly and I realized it had finally hit home for him, at that exact moment. "It's over!" And then he picked me up in the air and, laughing, twirled me around under the exploding sky. "It's over, baby! It's finally over."
January 1, AC 196
Okay, okay. I'm sure you've realized it long before me. I'm a little slow. But that was the moment, when he picked me up and started dancing me around the rooftop, that it finally hit me just how totally, madly, insanely in love with him I am.
Oh, shit.
2001