Mar 16, 2008 22:08
today was a rough day. i woke up last night, well actually about 5am this morning, because i had a dream he was calling me and i literally picked up the phone and said hello. he wasnt on the line, of course. that was a terrible way to wake up and not easy to go back to sleep after that.
i want to stay in the bed all day. i considered sleeping through church but i went anyway. tiffany and adam werent there today, so i was by myself. i think God arranged that. i cried throughout the entire service. you would have thought someone would have asked me if i was okay, but they didnt. the music, the message; it was all so clear what i have to do now. it was all so clear how and where i went wrong. and there i was, alone. of course God was there in the midst of it, and the room was full of people, but i still felt so alone.
i composed myself enough to go through the drive thru at wendys. sitting there waiting in line, kristin and her fiance pulled into the line, two cars back. i started thinking about all that. i really do think it was the right time for me to leave st. andrew when i did, but that whole situation really hindered me. i mean, i allowed it too, but im over it. im still not ready to sit foot in that church again. even when i do, i wont go back for good. i like the vineyard; it brings out things about myself i like.
i went to my grandparents house to eat. my grandma asked me if i took my medicine today. i lost it. i just started crying and i couldnt stop. i cried for probably an hour non-stop. i didnt mean too, and to be quite honest, the crying didnt have to do with him. the crying had to do with the realizations of where things went wrong in my life and what its going to take to make things right again.
the rest of the day went okay. i had work which kept my mind off things. i came home and read some articles on relevantmagazine.com. they brought me a little comfort and peace. things will get better, but i have to realize its okay to mourn. i read the story about jesus raising lazarus from the dead. that the story that has the shortest verse in the bible, which is "jesus wept." there is a time to mourn and a time to move on. im still in the mourning stage and i know that no one really understands that. but i dont expect anyone too either.
thats all i have for tonight.