I didnt mean to rant. i'm sorry. just bear with me please... ::slouch::
I hate bringing her up. I really do. She just got to me so bad this week. So bad. It's like one sitch gets all the more better as the other gets worse. So i dont know. I havnt spoken to her at all today. I think i put up an away message earlier cuz i was having a bad 3 hours and i blocked her so she wouldnt be tempted to IM me asking about it. Cuz honestly she's the only one who knows what goes on with my bro n sis m my parents. She was kina the only one i wanted to be all OMFG with for about 3 minuts. Then i jsut started to think about how i didnt need her to be there for me to deal with it. I didnt want her there for me.I dont like seeking comfort in those who cause me pain. She makes for no exception.Not this time. When I go from wanting to hug her to wanting to just belt her right across her face so she hits the floor...thats when you know i'm done with it all. And i dont even think of it much. It feels like something way in the past. Something that happened years ago and i flash back to it evry now and then when someone says something or when i see something that we used to laugh at. all our shit is in the memory box b/c its just that. Memories. And things can never be like that again. Sometimes, a lot of the time lately, i think maye we were supposed to be together...but not like we thought. looking back on it all we did have a lot of flaws. But we have incredibly strong points too. I don't know who else i'd let eat me out while i was on the phone....or explore inner body parts with...or jsut start laughing out of nowhere during sex b/c we could and we didnt care b/c it was us. ::sigh:: So much has changed in so little time. Its overwhelming. Things with my parents. With school. With her. With friends that i havnt spoken to much and are now becoming part of my everyday life. and so much other stuff. So much change. Then today shit with my parents and how they completely disreguard all i do for them and how they make it seem like im useless and lazy. It jsut hurts. How i KNOW im a good person and i KNOW i usualy do the right thing and i especialy do the right thing when it comes to someone else i care about....and how it can all jsut be taken for granted and throw in my face like its trash. I should be proud that there are few people like me who can do what i do and who know what i know and who were strong enuff to get this far. But strength can be the worst weakness to someone who's put up with it for so long. I'm tired of being strong. Its so emotionaly draining. I just want to lie in bed, put on emo, and cry all day just to let it all out. but i cant. ...No seriously i cant. I shed maybe 3 tears today. I just choke.
But then dad came home. And he gave me a shoulder massage cuz he knew i was having a ruff day. He rubbed my forehead n my temples too to relax me and he almost made me fall asleep. He got me meds. Tucked me in his bed and put a movie on for me. And he gave me the mommy-run-down of the how-to's when one is sick. It was so cute. He's never like that. He's usualy too busy. Makes me wonder whats gotten into him lately. He's still a snotty bitch but he;s starting to do little things. I grew up minus affection. Which is why i cherish it so much. So little things like getting me orange juice and kissing my forehead better warms me up and makes my heart smile. My parents didnt hug me much growing up. Nor did they kiss me goodnite or tuck me in. Not many "I love you"s either. That all stopped when Bonnie left. She was the one who gave me affection. her and Alfredo would cuddle up with me in the middle of them all the time, reading every book i owned to me (Hense why i love reading so much), playing with my hair and playing dress up. They were the closest things to "loving parents" i've known. My real dad i dont remember. Most things b4 my bro n sis were born i've forgotten. Most of the things that wernt major i've forgotten actualy. I have few memories of events that are REAL memories and not just the concept of it happening. Flashbacks are common.....but to quick to grasp.
I remember John (my real dad) and i finding that duck when i was about 3 or 4 on the west shore expressway. It fell out of a garbage truck. We brought it home and i was all DADDY SAID I TAN KEEP IT! ::cuddews it!: ..and i gave it a bath und killed it cuz it caught a chill.
I remember my grandparents fighting with my real dad.
I remember that one christmas when i was 3. I got a big stuffed snoopy that wore a red Macy's hat and a fold out bed/couch that had Peanuts characters all over it...and i remember there was a fight btwn my parents i think. i jsut sat by the christmas tree hugging my snoopy. I think thts the year i got my beanie puppy.
some one stuck me in the dryer. i dotn think it was my sis. most definifly was my cousins from down the block.
My sister's dog pushed me into a door nob. I didnt even feel it. My sister said i had blood gushing from the back of myhead and i acted so unphased. ....i still have the scar.
iI managed to get a tick on my neck when i was about 4. no one told me i had it until it was off. I dont get y tho.
behind out pool in my first house my grandmother grew strawberries. Nothing smelled so sweet.
Pop Pop smelled like Old Spice and beer. So comforting. He was the only one who looked out for me. I wish he hadnt died when i was so young. Things might be a lot different...
When i was about 6 or so my second cousin gave my cousin a black eye and stole my little mermaid tape at my sisters graduation party. He was about 10 or 11. I gave him a concusion with my rainbow folding lawnchair. the metal one. right in the middle of the yard.
My real dad put up a tree swing in my neighbors yard for us.
I came home from school one day. My dod didnt run down the stairs. They'd given Cuddles away. they said i said i didnt want it anymore. Mom had asked while i was playing Super Mario Bros. I didnt hear wut she really said....
John threw my grandma against a door. it made a hole... a lot of screaming and yelling.
After picking me up from my dad's appartment my mom and him got into a big fight. I was in the front seat. mom was late getting me. She was with sum new boy friend of hers. Dad was pulling her hair thru the car window and mom tried to drive off. i was crying. dad was screaming at me to tell her boyfriend to stay away from her.... i didnt know why...
Adnan always babysat for my when mom n shah had textile class. He was like my big brother. he loved me so much. One nite he couldnt come. so his little brother came. He was on medication of some kind. it did something to him when he took them. i woke up and found him looking thru my underwear drawr. he said he was looking for toys. i was 7. he was...older than me. i made him get out. he came back in and started kissing my neck and grabbing me. i didnt know what he was doing but i started screaming out the window and he put his hand over my mouth to shhhhhhhh. i kept screaming. he got scared and left the room. mom came home. i was shaking....b/c i was cold...right?
Bonnie moved into a big house in stapleton. i was in love with it yet scared of it b/c it was so big and old. I loved my room. So big. with a window seat. And they had my mom's piano in the back den. i loved that piano. Bonnie had all our picturs on top. i had my own little black stool in her black and white checkers kitched so i could help make pancakes and chocolate milk for Satuday morning breakfast in my purple feet PJs.
I used to watch the Princess bride and Willow at my dad's appartment. he lived with his parents. My grammy was in a wheelchair. She smelled funny and her lips were alwys chapped but her skin was baby soft. She always made me rice a roni and shake 'n bake while me and Poppy playd scrabble. Dad slept in the art room where Poppy had all his paintings of tug boats and unfinished paintings. i loved how it smelled. sometimes dad would let me sleep in bed with him. those nites i didnt sleep much. the bed was too small and he snored.
Something happened and my mom was yelling at me for answering the phone. My dad was mad that he hadnt seen me since his mom passed. i was 6. I was crying and shaking and yelling at him. They made me go to court on saturdays to visit my dad. mom yelled at me in the car teling me what i have to say and wht i cant do. I didnt understand y i had to hate my father. but i did. Just for her. And Daddy cried. I didnt know why.
In 2nd grade we moved to bard Avenue. The house was so big we nevr properly filled it with furniture. I wanted the attick. My cousins got it. I got the smallest room. there was a little birds nest in the drain pipe above my window. Sad seeng squashed baby bird when u look down. Forth of July's and halloweens. The basement was always scary for me. A dish in the kitchen dropped out of the rack by itself. No way it could have, I swore the house was haunted.
Dad was having heart problems. i was 8. they started leaving me home alone more often...
i go to pakistan. I come back. Mom is pregnant. Im uber happy. She has them. i'm awake every morning at 4 amgetting warm milk and changing diapers...
Im in 7th grade. my supposed best friend tries hooking up me up with taken boy b/c i refuse to hook up with anyone. his g/f (a sophomore in HS) threatens to come after me. My friend nikki wals me home every day for 2 months. My love for black and eyeliner comes out for a english project. My group dressed as The Witches. I was in all black and i had liquid eyeliner on and my hair was gelled when it was wet so it stayed glossy and wavey. Everyone loved it....my parents lecutred and yelled for 3 hours and continue to use it agaist me to this very day.
I'm 13. I jsut moved into a new house in concord. Some one i met before but havnt seen in a while started working at the store again over the summer. Me and him start talking more. I tell him i like him. he smirks. he didnt see me ffor 4 days and he cut up his arm. My name was on it. One nite my parents went to a wedding. i had to babysit. he threw a rock at my window and made me go outside. he gave me his sweater b/c i was chilly. he had no shirt on at all. he made a joke about how many ppl i've kissed. i was still a prude but said 8. He didnt believe me. So he kissed me. I cut his lip with my teeth. he bit me back. it was a joke to him but i didnt see it. No one liked me back before. He wore a leather jacket and liked to be called Sunny. he'd climb in my bdroom window every nite arond 1. tell me about his family. graze my cheeks with his fingers. kiss my eyes as i fell asleep and would cry saying how mcuh he loved me. he asked me to have sex with him a few times. of course i said no. i let him finger me. he wasnt doing it rite i guess cuz it hurt and it wasnt in the right spot. he'd leave jsut after sunrise. i'd be late for school everyday. my parents started catching on. tye found out. Mom choked me and threw me up against the wall screaming rite in my face. Her mouth was foaming. I ran away. he seemd distant and made it seem like he didnt care. i went to my sisters house. I still remember how it smelled. she moved to a new house over by where Rosalie was. My mom came over crying.... they forced me to go take a rape test the nite b4 my Co Op exam. I didnt take the rape test. bc i didnt have sex. No one believed me b/c he had taken a shower in my old house on bard (we still owned it. we stoped there to sleep a bit b4 we went to Queens in the morning) and they didnt understand y. both of our hair was found on my bed too. I was told he was callin the store saying he raped me. that he got me good and hes gonna come do it again. ...i didnt believe it but i cried myself to sleep every nite and broke down during the day. I had to go to therapy. I hated it. Mom always screamed at me for how much i embarassed them. Nothing changed like she promised. I lived with my sister for 6 months. I was happy. I had to go home. it was all to shit.
Archie. Kelvin. My friends. i was starting to become noticed towards the end of 8th grade. I always got in trouble b.c boy talked to me.
steve. tony. school home kids eat sleep. rinse repeat. day aftter day after day after day.
mom throws a computer at me b/c i answered the phone.
Senior yr.
Now.
All Flashbck of things that had a huge impact on me. i dont remember much else. little things with friends that i know happened but i dont have a clear mental picture of what happened. i didnt like thinking about tihngs for a long time. i till dont. so m sure i left a lot out. i know i did. a lot.... like how my step cousins would grab my breasts when they hugged me when they jsut started developing or how one would jsut holdme tight in his lap for a while and thn let me go and leave the room. how i'd catch them watching porn and id find they're condoms all over. how i'd steal there porn when i was about 9 and watch it nd wonder y i felt like i had to pee afterwards o.O
just...i dont know. i was talking to hobbes about yesterday and i really couldnt remmeber. jut like with most things. i dont remember what happened on what day. being numb to so much for so long. i always said it was the reason. mom just neevr understood y i couldnt remember what she said 20 minutes prior to her yelling at me for not doing something. i jsut didnt hear her. i HEARD her yea. i didnt hold on to it. just like so many other things. its like each day is repeating itself. so it all molds together. all perfectly the same yet different.
I'm rambling i'm srry. i've jsut been thinking about stuff. My sister always said i was such a happy child. Happy child was b4 i was 7. After that i dont remember much.... i want to be that ray of sunshine that lit up the room again. jsut like everyone said i was...
!!!!!!!!!
fuck i just raelized sumn. When i say "cousins" i mean step-cousins. the only real cousin i talked about was the one with the lawn chair. ::nod:: jsut wanted to clear that up.
But then dad came home. And he gave me a shoulder massage cuz he knew i was having a ruff day. He rubbed my forehead n my temples too to relax me and he almost made me fall asleep. He got me meds. Tucked me in his bed and put a movie on for me. And he gave me the mommy-run-down of the how-to's when one is sick. It was so cute. He's never like that. He's usualy too busy. Makes me wonder whats gotten into him lately. He's still a snotty bitch but he;s starting to do little things. I grew up minus affection. Which is why i cherish it so much. So little things like getting me orange juice and kissing my forehead better warms me up and makes my heart smile. My parents didnt hug me much growing up. Nor did they kiss me goodnite or tuck me in. Not many "I love you"s either. That all stopped when Bonnie left. She was the one who gave me affection. her and Alfredo would cuddle up with me in the middle of them all the time, reading every book i owned to me (Hense why i love reading so much), playing with my hair and playing dress up. They were the closest things to "loving parents" i've known. My real dad i dont remember. Most things b4 my bro n sis were born i've forgotten. Most of the things that wernt major i've forgotten actualy. I have few memories of events that are REAL memories and not just the concept of it happening. Flashbacks are common.....but to quick to grasp.
I remember John (my real dad) and i finding that duck when i was about 3 or 4 on the west shore expressway. It fell out of a garbage truck. We brought it home and i was all DADDY SAID I TAN KEEP IT! ::cuddews it!: ..and i gave it a bath und killed it cuz it caught a chill.
I remember my grandparents fighting with my real dad.
I remember that one christmas when i was 3. I got a big stuffed snoopy that wore a red Macy's hat and a fold out bed/couch that had Peanuts characters all over it...and i remember there was a fight btwn my parents i think. i jsut sat by the christmas tree hugging my snoopy. I think thts the year i got my beanie puppy.
some one stuck me in the dryer. i dotn think it was my sis. most definifly was my cousins from down the block.
My sister's dog pushed me into a door nob. I didnt even feel it. My sister said i had blood gushing from the back of myhead and i acted so unphased. ....i still have the scar.
iI managed to get a tick on my neck when i was about 4. no one told me i had it until it was off. I dont get y tho.
behind out pool in my first house my grandmother grew strawberries. Nothing smelled so sweet.
Pop Pop smelled like Old Spice and beer. So comforting. He was the only one who looked out for me. I wish he hadnt died when i was so young. Things might be a lot different...
When i was about 6 or so my second cousin gave my cousin a black eye and stole my little mermaid tape at my sisters graduation party. He was about 10 or 11. I gave him a concusion with my rainbow folding lawnchair. the metal one. right in the middle of the yard.
My real dad put up a tree swing in my neighbors yard for us.
I came home from school one day. My dod didnt run down the stairs. They'd given Cuddles away. they said i said i didnt want it anymore. Mom had asked while i was playing Super Mario Bros. I didnt hear wut she really said....
John threw my grandma against a door. it made a hole... a lot of screaming and yelling.
After picking me up from my dad's appartment my mom and him got into a big fight. I was in the front seat. mom was late getting me. She was with sum new boy friend of hers. Dad was pulling her hair thru the car window and mom tried to drive off. i was crying. dad was screaming at me to tell her boyfriend to stay away from her.... i didnt know why...
Adnan always babysat for my when mom n shah had textile class. He was like my big brother. he loved me so much. One nite he couldnt come. so his little brother came. He was on medication of some kind. it did something to him when he took them. i woke up and found him looking thru my underwear drawr. he said he was looking for toys. i was 7. he was...older than me. i made him get out. he came back in and started kissing my neck and grabbing me. i didnt know what he was doing but i started screaming out the window and he put his hand over my mouth to shhhhhhhh. i kept screaming. he got scared and left the room. mom came home. i was shaking....b/c i was cold...right?
Bonnie moved into a big house in stapleton. i was in love with it yet scared of it b/c it was so big and old. I loved my room. So big. with a window seat. And they had my mom's piano in the back den. i loved that piano. Bonnie had all our picturs on top. i had my own little black stool in her black and white checkers kitched so i could help make pancakes and chocolate milk for Satuday morning breakfast in my purple feet PJs.
I used to watch the Princess bride and Willow at my dad's appartment. he lived with his parents. My grammy was in a wheelchair. She smelled funny and her lips were alwys chapped but her skin was baby soft. She always made me rice a roni and shake 'n bake while me and Poppy playd scrabble. Dad slept in the art room where Poppy had all his paintings of tug boats and unfinished paintings. i loved how it smelled. sometimes dad would let me sleep in bed with him. those nites i didnt sleep much. the bed was too small and he snored.
Something happened and my mom was yelling at me for answering the phone. My dad was mad that he hadnt seen me since his mom passed. i was 6. I was crying and shaking and yelling at him. They made me go to court on saturdays to visit my dad. mom yelled at me in the car teling me what i have to say and wht i cant do. I didnt understand y i had to hate my father. but i did. Just for her. And Daddy cried. I didnt know why.
In 2nd grade we moved to bard Avenue. The house was so big we nevr properly filled it with furniture. I wanted the attick. My cousins got it. I got the smallest room. there was a little birds nest in the drain pipe above my window. Sad seeng squashed baby bird when u look down. Forth of July's and halloweens. The basement was always scary for me. A dish in the kitchen dropped out of the rack by itself. No way it could have, I swore the house was haunted.
Dad was having heart problems. i was 8. they started leaving me home alone more often...
i go to pakistan. I come back. Mom is pregnant. Im uber happy. She has them. i'm awake every morning at 4 amgetting warm milk and changing diapers...
Im in 7th grade. my supposed best friend tries hooking up me up with taken boy b/c i refuse to hook up with anyone. his g/f (a sophomore in HS) threatens to come after me. My friend nikki wals me home every day for 2 months. My love for black and eyeliner comes out for a english project. My group dressed as The Witches. I was in all black and i had liquid eyeliner on and my hair was gelled when it was wet so it stayed glossy and wavey. Everyone loved it....my parents lecutred and yelled for 3 hours and continue to use it agaist me to this very day.
I'm 13. I jsut moved into a new house in concord. Some one i met before but havnt seen in a while started working at the store again over the summer. Me and him start talking more. I tell him i like him. he smirks. he didnt see me ffor 4 days and he cut up his arm. My name was on it. One nite my parents went to a wedding. i had to babysit. he threw a rock at my window and made me go outside. he gave me his sweater b/c i was chilly. he had no shirt on at all. he made a joke about how many ppl i've kissed. i was still a prude but said 8. He didnt believe me. So he kissed me. I cut his lip with my teeth. he bit me back. it was a joke to him but i didnt see it. No one liked me back before. He wore a leather jacket and liked to be called Sunny. he'd climb in my bdroom window every nite arond 1. tell me about his family. graze my cheeks with his fingers. kiss my eyes as i fell asleep and would cry saying how mcuh he loved me. he asked me to have sex with him a few times. of course i said no. i let him finger me. he wasnt doing it rite i guess cuz it hurt and it wasnt in the right spot. he'd leave jsut after sunrise. i'd be late for school everyday. my parents started catching on. tye found out. Mom choked me and threw me up against the wall screaming rite in my face. Her mouth was foaming. I ran away. he seemd distant and made it seem like he didnt care. i went to my sisters house. I still remember how it smelled. she moved to a new house over by where Rosalie was. My mom came over crying.... they forced me to go take a rape test the nite b4 my Co Op exam. I didnt take the rape test. bc i didnt have sex. No one believed me b/c he had taken a shower in my old house on bard (we still owned it. we stoped there to sleep a bit b4 we went to Queens in the morning) and they didnt understand y. both of our hair was found on my bed too. I was told he was callin the store saying he raped me. that he got me good and hes gonna come do it again. ...i didnt believe it but i cried myself to sleep every nite and broke down during the day. I had to go to therapy. I hated it. Mom always screamed at me for how much i embarassed them. Nothing changed like she promised. I lived with my sister for 6 months. I was happy. I had to go home. it was all to shit.
Archie. Kelvin. My friends. i was starting to become noticed towards the end of 8th grade. I always got in trouble b.c boy talked to me.
steve. tony. school home kids eat sleep. rinse repeat. day aftter day after day after day.
mom throws a computer at me b/c i answered the phone.
Senior yr.
Now.
All Flashbck of things that had a huge impact on me. i dont remember much else. little things with friends that i know happened but i dont have a clear mental picture of what happened. i didnt like thinking about tihngs for a long time. i till dont. so m sure i left a lot out. i know i did. a lot.... like how my step cousins would grab my breasts when they hugged me when they jsut started developing or how one would jsut holdme tight in his lap for a while and thn let me go and leave the room. how i'd catch them watching porn and id find they're condoms all over. how i'd steal there porn when i was about 9 and watch it nd wonder y i felt like i had to pee afterwards o.O
just...i dont know. i was talking to hobbes about yesterday and i really couldnt remmeber. jut like with most things. i dont remember what happened on what day. being numb to so much for so long. i always said it was the reason. mom just neevr understood y i couldnt remember what she said 20 minutes prior to her yelling at me for not doing something. i jsut didnt hear her. i HEARD her yea. i didnt hold on to it. just like so many other things. its like each day is repeating itself. so it all molds together. all perfectly the same yet different.
I'm rambling i'm srry. i've jsut been thinking about stuff. My sister always said i was such a happy child. Happy child was b4 i was 7. After that i dont remember much.... i want to be that ray of sunshine that lit up the room again. jsut like everyone said i was...
!!!!!!!!!
fuck i just raelized sumn. When i say "cousins" i mean step-cousins. the only real cousin i talked about was the one with the lawn chair. ::nod:: jsut wanted to clear that up.