(no subject)
so. my car broke down and is taking forever to fix, so I have no job or way of getting to an interview until I get my car back (whenever that may be). I am sitting around my apartment every day waiting to hear back from places I applied and waiting for mike to be done with his work so that I have something to do. although now that people are back at clark, I should be calling others to hang out when I am bored and have nothing to do (which is all of the time). on top of my plans for this semester falling apart, each plan that I've made with people besides mike this week has fallen through because of various reasons. so, on days where I've planned something for myself to do besides sit on my ass and watch t.v. and feel more and more like a useless waste of space, I end up doing exactly that.
I'm not frustrated with anyone one else besides myself. I do not blame anybody for not being able to hang out or for having their own shit to do, I'm just frustrated with the fact that everything is falling apart before it even had a chance to start. sitting alone by myself for hours everyday, inside my apartment because there's no place to sit and enjoy the weather in worcester without the chance of getting shot or hepatitis, is not good for me. I feel unhealthy, and I start to feel insecure and freaked out about the decisions I have made with my life. I am afraid that I won't get into nursing schools because I never took the high math or science courses in highschool (which is not entirely my fault, much had to do with teachers not having enough faith in my ability to learn and to try, but that's beside the point). what if they feel that I can't make it? what if I get into a program and I realize that I really can't? what would I do then?
I hate feeling so useless and so out of control of my life. mike has been so patient and understanding, and really great about helping me to feel better. yet, how long is he going to put up with my insecurity and frustration with myself? I feel like I'm trying to the best of my ability to get a job considering I don't have a car that I can just drive around worcester and stop in places and ask if they need help or badger people into meeting with me. but, that might not be enough.
I'm at the point where I just don't really know what to do. I'm going to keep trying and hopefully something will happen, but in the meantime I don't want to permanently fuse to my couch or go blind being stuck inside all of the time.
bah.
I'm not frustrated with anyone one else besides myself. I do not blame anybody for not being able to hang out or for having their own shit to do, I'm just frustrated with the fact that everything is falling apart before it even had a chance to start. sitting alone by myself for hours everyday, inside my apartment because there's no place to sit and enjoy the weather in worcester without the chance of getting shot or hepatitis, is not good for me. I feel unhealthy, and I start to feel insecure and freaked out about the decisions I have made with my life. I am afraid that I won't get into nursing schools because I never took the high math or science courses in highschool (which is not entirely my fault, much had to do with teachers not having enough faith in my ability to learn and to try, but that's beside the point). what if they feel that I can't make it? what if I get into a program and I realize that I really can't? what would I do then?
I hate feeling so useless and so out of control of my life. mike has been so patient and understanding, and really great about helping me to feel better. yet, how long is he going to put up with my insecurity and frustration with myself? I feel like I'm trying to the best of my ability to get a job considering I don't have a car that I can just drive around worcester and stop in places and ask if they need help or badger people into meeting with me. but, that might not be enough.
I'm at the point where I just don't really know what to do. I'm going to keep trying and hopefully something will happen, but in the meantime I don't want to permanently fuse to my couch or go blind being stuck inside all of the time.
bah.