gasp
Breathe in breathe in breathe in. Sometimes I have to remind myself to take that breath. I end up holding the air out so long that I forget that I need to breathe. I become so used to the notion of not being able to breathe that I have remind myself breathing is natural. Breathing is normal. Breathing is regular. I isolate myself so much from everything that I want and punish myself so much for wanting those things that it just becomes a non-stop circle of hating myself. A cycle that I never break. It's easy to hold my breath. Taking a new one, as fantastic as it is, always ends up with me wanting more. More air. And when you become my air then I don't know what to do when you go. So I condition myself to not breathe. Don't breathe. Because when you go, when you leave, when the air is gone, I'll end up dead. And have to start over, re-conditioning myself not to breathe.