When in your life did you know you were not alone?
Until recently, being alone never bothered me. Friendships come and go. I never felt I was at a loss by having very few of those. Loneliness didn't bother me at work any more than it did socially. I always assumed I was more effective professionally when I worked alone. My career and my personal life often mixed. I enjoy my job and never saw any issue with taking it home. When I married John, that aspect of my life ws forced to change. I was expected to be home at certain hours of the day, which left me very little time to train. I had to pretend to have an interest in other things.
It sounds terrible to admit this, but it was terrible to experience. I'll be honest about it. The first time I felt true loneliness was after John and I were married.
We did everything wrong. Instead of being partners, we were individuals in a marriage. Individuals who didn't understand each other and couldn't find ways to relate. Every day he seemed less and less interested in me. Considering that this was a man who had once promised to spend his life with me, I had a hard time trying to determine what I'd done wrong. How I'd lost his interest. According to everyone at work, I was doing everything a wife is expected to do. I was perfect. Beautifully, domestically, fucking perfect.
But he hated every minute of it, and so did I.
Then one night, after I thought it was all over, John asked me to meet him for dinner at the same place he'd proposed. Romantic? No way in hell. We were going to discuss the demise of our marriage, but we never got around to it. Instead, he asked me to dance. Then I made my exist, he narrowly escaped a surprise I'd left for him, and we both raced home. Literally raced. On the way there he called me, not once, but twice. The second time he asked me to tell him what my first thought was when he met. I couldn't tell if it was a trick or not and I made him go first.
And he told me...he said he thought I looked like Christmas morning. I'd never been told anything that flattering in my entire life. As much as I wanted to believe him, and as much as a part of me did, I lied when he asked me to answer the same question. I wasn't ready yet, but I knew.
I was no longer alone.
Muse: Jane Smith
Misc Movies: Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Word count: 428
It sounds terrible to admit this, but it was terrible to experience. I'll be honest about it. The first time I felt true loneliness was after John and I were married.
We did everything wrong. Instead of being partners, we were individuals in a marriage. Individuals who didn't understand each other and couldn't find ways to relate. Every day he seemed less and less interested in me. Considering that this was a man who had once promised to spend his life with me, I had a hard time trying to determine what I'd done wrong. How I'd lost his interest. According to everyone at work, I was doing everything a wife is expected to do. I was perfect. Beautifully, domestically, fucking perfect.
But he hated every minute of it, and so did I.
Then one night, after I thought it was all over, John asked me to meet him for dinner at the same place he'd proposed. Romantic? No way in hell. We were going to discuss the demise of our marriage, but we never got around to it. Instead, he asked me to dance. Then I made my exist, he narrowly escaped a surprise I'd left for him, and we both raced home. Literally raced. On the way there he called me, not once, but twice. The second time he asked me to tell him what my first thought was when he met. I couldn't tell if it was a trick or not and I made him go first.
And he told me...he said he thought I looked like Christmas morning. I'd never been told anything that flattering in my entire life. As much as I wanted to believe him, and as much as a part of me did, I lied when he asked me to answer the same question. I wasn't ready yet, but I knew.
I was no longer alone.
Muse: Jane Smith
Misc Movies: Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Word count: 428