Oh Noes.
This is unnecessary. John and I had a litle trouble getting our mark. We're perfectly fine, a few bumps and bruises aside. My pain threshold has always been somewhat high. You knock me down, and I'll get right back up and make sure that you never do the same. I've lost feeling in a few places, but I don't need it to begin with. If you ask me, I
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I swallowed hard on nothing, returning the nod quietly and walking with him. The only people around appeared to be preoccupied with other things, or trying not to look at us. I think some were just plain hiding, but its hard to tell. I wasn't paying attention to any of it when I walked in. Now I'd like to notice something new to distract myself with. I don't want to have to think about a baby, or how unhappy John would be without one now that there could be a child in his future.
This wasn't something I ever thought we'd have to worry about. John always let it go when he brought up having kids and I changed the subject. It was simple. He knows how much I love my job, he didn't push.
I'm at the top of my game, and I think I may have to give that up.
"Come on."
I followed him, hating the silence yet having a difficult time finding words to speak. I have no clue what I'd say to him right now. John would get upset if I started with an apology, that isn't what he'd like to hear, and I'm not completely sure that I feel any remorse for what I did to him anyway.
My reaction was instinctive. I make no apologies for being shocked about this pregnancy, we never planned on having children.
I walked with John to the car, opening the door on the passenger side and climbing in, then slamming twice as hard as I normally would.
I don't think I'm through being frustrated yet.
I ignored him beside me, turned off the radio, and looked out the window, pretending to be interested in everything but him.
And yes, that worked for a good thirty seconds.
When we got to our first stop light I looked over at John. I have to admire his attempts at faking it, but I think we both know that neither of us are very good at that. John's as confused as I am, the only difference is that he's lucky enough to know what he wants.
"I didn't think we'd have this problem for at least five more years." And even then, I didn't think I'd be very open to it.
"Are you okay?"
It never hurts to ask.
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Give or take.
I only view this as a problem though, because Jane views it as a problem. And Jane's going to make it a problem for me. I doubt this baby's going to be around much longer.
I'm not sure what I'm going to think of that when that happens. She knows how I feel about kids. But I'm not going to ask Jane to give up everything just the same.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not the type of guy who doesn't like not knowing what to do, either.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Jane." I said calmly, taking a right and bringing us closer to home. My jaw hurts a little, and my stomach could feel better, and I'm dealing with my wife being hormonal.
Not to mention that I'm a father, and might not be for very much longer.
I'm as fine as I'm going to be.
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"So we're back to lying to each other again?"
I was expecting an answer similar to that one. John wouldn't fight me in the hospital, I can't picture him starting up in the car. When he decides to be done with an argument, thats the end of it. He's uninvolved. Its as simple as that. Usually.
This is anything but simple for me, and John's decision to be fine isn't helping at all.
How am I supposed to handle this on my own? I'd be happy not having to handle it at all, but that's no longer an option for me. John shouldn't allow himself to leave this to me.
I felt better about it at first, but after thinking it over, it seems as though he's left me to figure this out on my own. If that's any indication of how it would be...
He better find the motivation to be something other than "fine". And he better do it fast.
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"What would you like me to say Jane?"
I am fine. Like I said, I'm as fine as I'm going to get, given the situation at hand. And she's pushing it, and she knows it, but naturally she doesn't care.
She wants to fight me, and I'm not going to give it to her. I'm sorry baby, but that's not how this works. I'm not that kind of guy, and I think you know that.
It's not my place to call you here, and so I'm not going to start anything that I'm going to have trouble finishing.
"Whatever you decide, I'm with you. You know how I feel, and you know what I want. Unfortunately, that would clash with what you want. And given our lives at this point, it's selfish of me to push anything on you."
Not that it's not a considerable option, I just know it's not the right thing to do, that's all.
I drove around another corner, bringing us closer to home. I'd probably feel better talking about it there, but she's not going to let it go.
"So it's not my place to say more than how I feel. And since that goes unsaid, the end result lies with you." I looked over at her for a moment, to gauge how she was reacting. Not the most readable look she's ever given me.
I shook my head and looked back to the road. "But I think we'd make it work. And that's just my opinion. Now can we wait until we get home, or do you really need to do this now?"
Go ahead Jane, hit me while I'm driving. I'm sure that'll end everything quickly.
... Alright John, relax. You snap on her, it's not going to buy you anything. You're getting more tense than you should be, and it's not helping you or her.
So relax.
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"I don't know. What would you like to say to me John?"
I find it funny that the truth is still a difficult concept for John to grasp. We had a rocky six years of lies, I think he should have learned by now that they don't get us anywhere. In the very near future, I'm going to have to make a decision that could change both of our lives, and our marriage, forever. John deciding to keep his mouth shut instead of pleading his case isn't what the best way to react to this if he wants me to consider us raising this baby.
"Whatever you decide, I'm with you. You know how I feel, and you know what I want. Unfortunately, that would clash with what you want. And given our lives at this point, it's selfish of me to push anything on you."
"Right."
He thinks he could push this on me in the first place? My husband is giving himself a little too much credit on that one, even if its not by much. I just keep thinking about the way I was before I met John.
I had an incredible amount of focus. That's how I worked my way up the ranks. When I was on assignment, I never let anyone stop me from getting my target. I guess I always knew how to get what I wanted. I didn't care what it cost me. The gain was always better than the loss.
But that's not how it works in a marriage. You can't look at your spouse as the enemy or you're destined to end up in counseling for the rest of your life.
"So it's not my place to say more than how I feel. And since that goes unsaid, the end result lies with you."
He's going to keep going with this, isn't he?
"But I think we'd make it work. And that's just my opinion. Now can we wait until we get home, or do you really need to do this now?"
There it is. The badly done pitch about us starting a family. We'd make it work. I'd be the one doing all of the sacrificing, but somehow we'd make it work.
If I did decide to do this, I think I'd have a few months before I was expected to go on maternity leave. That is, unless John demanded that I do otherwise, in which case I'd probably just beat some sense back into him. So as far as being out of work goes, I could get away with as little as five months, counting the one month I'd be expected to take after it was born.
But then there's raising a child, and I think that part scares me more than carrying it. I've never wanted a baby. I don't like them any more than they like me, which is very, very little. Instead of having the instincts of a mother, I happen to have the instincts of a killer.
And that would be very bad for parenting wouldn't it?
"We're alone. I doubt it matters whether we do this here or at home."
Its the same problem no matter where we try to solve it, isn't it.
"Do you think you would love it? The baby I mean."
Yes, John. I do have to ask. Wanting to be a parent someday and wanting the baby itself are two different things entirely. Especially now.
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