Oh Noes.
This is unnecessary. John and I had a litle trouble getting our mark. We're perfectly fine, a few bumps and bruises aside. My pain threshold has always been somewhat high. You knock me down, and I'll get right back up and make sure that you never do the same. I've lost feeling in a few places, but I don't need it to begin with. If you ask me, I
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"No."
"I understand the big picture, Jane, believe me. That's why I never pushed this more than the very few times we spoke about it."
He doesn't understand, he couldn't possibly. John wants a child. He has no idea what it feels like for someone who knows that she's fully incapable of raising one. All he hears is that I'm not interested, and that there's one on the way. If I gave him the chance he'd start passing out cigars to our associates tomorrow morning.
And yes, we will be going along with that assignment as planned. I refuse to let this change my life, no matter what John claims to know about me.
"This wasn't planned. Which is why we need to talk about whether or not we're keeping this baby. Ontop of that, unless you want to deal with orderlies and then the police, It'd be a good idea to leave.
"We're not. And I don't mind."
There's nothing to talk about. I'm not a mother type. Instead of maternal instincts, I was born with killer ones. Its always suited me just fine, but John is complicating things by wanting this. He's taking a bad situation and making it worse.
Its almost like this baby would hurt us no matter what we'd decide. I still don't want to have kids. That isn't going to change. I'm going to be miserable if he finds a way to make me go through with this. But if John lets me off the hook, he'll resent my decision, even though its mine to make, and we'll be right back in marriage counselling.
We swore we wouldn't let ourselves get so caught up in our daily activities again. So much for that one.
And at the moment, I'm having a hard time figuring out why our psychologist viewed an overactive sex life as progress. Look at where it got me.
Pregnant.
Nearly every time I see a baby, I'm reminded of teeny tiny aliens from those sci fi shows John pretends to be interested in while he's flipping back to Desperate Housewifes. Based on what I know, I think its safe to assume that children are an entirely different species than adults. I'm very comfortable with one, miserable with the other.
I don't know what he was thinking.
I think he needs a little more sense knocked into him.
Regaining my composure, I took a inhaled, exhaled, and calmed myself before raining a succession of blows down on my husband. Somehow, he managed to keep his balance while uselessly trying to block himself, so I sent a roundhouse kick to his center, propelling him back onto the ground.
There you go, baby. Look at what this whole mess is getting you.
"Do you want kids now?"
I think you're starting to see things my way.
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Yes.
Sorry Jane, I've been tortured before, whatever you've got for me doesn't make a difference. I'm still going to want kids, just as much as you don't want them. The trouble here is that you have a hard time accepting anyone else's point of view but your own.
Sometimes, I love that about you. Other times, I want to hit you just as hard as you're hitting me over it. Only, the difference between us is, I wouldn't.
Still, I'm going to take this. Mostly because I know I'm not going to force her into anything. It's bad enough this happened at a time when she's not even remotely considering it. A few years, it might've been better.
A few years being closer to ten or fifteen than four or five, but still.
I pulled myself off the ground again, and regained balance before looking back to her. I might be losing my temper in the near future, but I'm still not going to hurt her.
I wonder how many guys have had to deal with something similar to do this. Not many. Once again, another way Jane and I happen to be unique.
Wonderful.
Although I do know a guy who's wife almost pistol whipped him when she found out she was pregnant. Not exactly Jane's caliber, but that still makes me feel a little better.
"Then get rid of the baby, Jane. I'm not going to make the desicision for you. It's not my place to." If I had any say in anything here? This would be going a lot easier. But she's not going to see things that way.
"Like I previously said, it's not like I planned any of this. You know me better than to try and put one past you on that level." At least on that level. She has to know that much, and if she doesn't, then my wife and I have a lot more trust issues than I originally thought.
"So it's up to you. As you can see? I'm not fighting you here."
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I caught my breath again, wondering if I was doing more damage to myself than I was to John. One look in his direction proved otherwise. He's feeling it. I could have made him feel it more, but there's no need for it now. He's being fair about this.
And I believe him about it being an accident. John wouldn't do this and then leave the decision to me. If he was responsible for it, he'd attempt talking me into having it. The way he's acting, he isn't going to force me. I don't think it has anything to do with my hitting him, either. I'm not sure I understand very much of this, but John is leaving the decision to me.
"So it's up to you. As you can see? I'm not fighting you here."
I sighed, looking away from him and crossing my arms over my chest. I wish this wasn't happening. There's no way for both of us to be happy, and if I choose what I want over what John does, then maybe I'm too selfish for this marriage.
"I can see that, John."
I sat back up on the exam table without another word, starting to regret what I'd done to my husband. He could make it better by yelling at me, but he isn't doing that. I think he's trying to make me suffer for hurting him. That's one thing I know he's not above, in spite of giving me my choice about this.
John's right, we should go home now. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to hit him there, either. I'd like to go home, and go to bed, and pretend this isn't happening. The only problem is, this is happening. I have to figure it out, one way or the other.
This would be so much easier if I didn't love John.
"We should leave. I need some time to think this through."
Don't cry, Jane. Don't you dare cry.
I wish it were possible to murder your hormones.
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She's starting to look a little more reasonable. I think I'm clear, finally. Which is great, I'm getting tired of having my ass kicked when I can't do a thing about it.
And now she looks upset. Hormones. I'm not at the point of where it's safe to touch her just yet, so I'll have to wait. The only time I ever saw her close to this was when we were trying to kill each other, and I didn't like it then. I don't like it now, either.
She's a strong woman. Extremely stubbourn, sometimes unreasonable, but strong. To see her any other way is new to me. But that'd be marriage, wouldn't it? You see sides of each other you're not used to, and you get used to them.
I'll definitely have to get used to all of this in a hurry.
"We should leave. I need some time to think this through."
"Alright." I nodded, and listened for the orderlies. Doesn't sound like too many of them are coming just yet. We'll have to go in the other direction and get out that way.
I walked out with Jane, making sure to stick close to her in case she does end up wanting contact of some kind, but not close enough to invade her space. Pregnancy or not, I know how this works.
"Come on." I headed out, shrugging on my jacket finally, and getting Jane out the nearest exit quietly.
Then, without a word, I pulled the keys from my pocket and started walking ahead of her, to get the car.
We'll work the rest of this out when we get home.
Hopefully.
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I swallowed hard on nothing, returning the nod quietly and walking with him. The only people around appeared to be preoccupied with other things, or trying not to look at us. I think some were just plain hiding, but its hard to tell. I wasn't paying attention to any of it when I walked in. Now I'd like to notice something new to distract myself with. I don't want to have to think about a baby, or how unhappy John would be without one now that there could be a child in his future.
This wasn't something I ever thought we'd have to worry about. John always let it go when he brought up having kids and I changed the subject. It was simple. He knows how much I love my job, he didn't push.
I'm at the top of my game, and I think I may have to give that up.
"Come on."
I followed him, hating the silence yet having a difficult time finding words to speak. I have no clue what I'd say to him right now. John would get upset if I started with an apology, that isn't what he'd like to hear, and I'm not completely sure that I feel any remorse for what I did to him anyway.
My reaction was instinctive. I make no apologies for being shocked about this pregnancy, we never planned on having children.
I walked with John to the car, opening the door on the passenger side and climbing in, then slamming twice as hard as I normally would.
I don't think I'm through being frustrated yet.
I ignored him beside me, turned off the radio, and looked out the window, pretending to be interested in everything but him.
And yes, that worked for a good thirty seconds.
When we got to our first stop light I looked over at John. I have to admire his attempts at faking it, but I think we both know that neither of us are very good at that. John's as confused as I am, the only difference is that he's lucky enough to know what he wants.
"I didn't think we'd have this problem for at least five more years." And even then, I didn't think I'd be very open to it.
"Are you okay?"
It never hurts to ask.
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Give or take.
I only view this as a problem though, because Jane views it as a problem. And Jane's going to make it a problem for me. I doubt this baby's going to be around much longer.
I'm not sure what I'm going to think of that when that happens. She knows how I feel about kids. But I'm not going to ask Jane to give up everything just the same.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not the type of guy who doesn't like not knowing what to do, either.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Jane." I said calmly, taking a right and bringing us closer to home. My jaw hurts a little, and my stomach could feel better, and I'm dealing with my wife being hormonal.
Not to mention that I'm a father, and might not be for very much longer.
I'm as fine as I'm going to be.
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"So we're back to lying to each other again?"
I was expecting an answer similar to that one. John wouldn't fight me in the hospital, I can't picture him starting up in the car. When he decides to be done with an argument, thats the end of it. He's uninvolved. Its as simple as that. Usually.
This is anything but simple for me, and John's decision to be fine isn't helping at all.
How am I supposed to handle this on my own? I'd be happy not having to handle it at all, but that's no longer an option for me. John shouldn't allow himself to leave this to me.
I felt better about it at first, but after thinking it over, it seems as though he's left me to figure this out on my own. If that's any indication of how it would be...
He better find the motivation to be something other than "fine". And he better do it fast.
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"What would you like me to say Jane?"
I am fine. Like I said, I'm as fine as I'm going to get, given the situation at hand. And she's pushing it, and she knows it, but naturally she doesn't care.
She wants to fight me, and I'm not going to give it to her. I'm sorry baby, but that's not how this works. I'm not that kind of guy, and I think you know that.
It's not my place to call you here, and so I'm not going to start anything that I'm going to have trouble finishing.
"Whatever you decide, I'm with you. You know how I feel, and you know what I want. Unfortunately, that would clash with what you want. And given our lives at this point, it's selfish of me to push anything on you."
Not that it's not a considerable option, I just know it's not the right thing to do, that's all.
I drove around another corner, bringing us closer to home. I'd probably feel better talking about it there, but she's not going to let it go.
"So it's not my place to say more than how I feel. And since that goes unsaid, the end result lies with you." I looked over at her for a moment, to gauge how she was reacting. Not the most readable look she's ever given me.
I shook my head and looked back to the road. "But I think we'd make it work. And that's just my opinion. Now can we wait until we get home, or do you really need to do this now?"
Go ahead Jane, hit me while I'm driving. I'm sure that'll end everything quickly.
... Alright John, relax. You snap on her, it's not going to buy you anything. You're getting more tense than you should be, and it's not helping you or her.
So relax.
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"I don't know. What would you like to say to me John?"
I find it funny that the truth is still a difficult concept for John to grasp. We had a rocky six years of lies, I think he should have learned by now that they don't get us anywhere. In the very near future, I'm going to have to make a decision that could change both of our lives, and our marriage, forever. John deciding to keep his mouth shut instead of pleading his case isn't what the best way to react to this if he wants me to consider us raising this baby.
"Whatever you decide, I'm with you. You know how I feel, and you know what I want. Unfortunately, that would clash with what you want. And given our lives at this point, it's selfish of me to push anything on you."
"Right."
He thinks he could push this on me in the first place? My husband is giving himself a little too much credit on that one, even if its not by much. I just keep thinking about the way I was before I met John.
I had an incredible amount of focus. That's how I worked my way up the ranks. When I was on assignment, I never let anyone stop me from getting my target. I guess I always knew how to get what I wanted. I didn't care what it cost me. The gain was always better than the loss.
But that's not how it works in a marriage. You can't look at your spouse as the enemy or you're destined to end up in counseling for the rest of your life.
"So it's not my place to say more than how I feel. And since that goes unsaid, the end result lies with you."
He's going to keep going with this, isn't he?
"But I think we'd make it work. And that's just my opinion. Now can we wait until we get home, or do you really need to do this now?"
There it is. The badly done pitch about us starting a family. We'd make it work. I'd be the one doing all of the sacrificing, but somehow we'd make it work.
If I did decide to do this, I think I'd have a few months before I was expected to go on maternity leave. That is, unless John demanded that I do otherwise, in which case I'd probably just beat some sense back into him. So as far as being out of work goes, I could get away with as little as five months, counting the one month I'd be expected to take after it was born.
But then there's raising a child, and I think that part scares me more than carrying it. I've never wanted a baby. I don't like them any more than they like me, which is very, very little. Instead of having the instincts of a mother, I happen to have the instincts of a killer.
And that would be very bad for parenting wouldn't it?
"We're alone. I doubt it matters whether we do this here or at home."
Its the same problem no matter where we try to solve it, isn't it.
"Do you think you would love it? The baby I mean."
Yes, John. I do have to ask. Wanting to be a parent someday and wanting the baby itself are two different things entirely. Especially now.
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