I don't understand
The internet told me to journal to relieve some of the pain, so I may as well start a daily blog again. I can't even begin to express the void inside me right now. I don't understand how to fix it. I don't even want to fix it. I just want the one person in the whole world I love to love me back. I miss him so much. He's the only person I want to be with ever. I keep thinking, dreaming really, that one day I will drive home from work and he will be sitting on my porch waiting for me. Waiting to tell me he loves me, he misses me, that I'm the only one in the world for him. I'm so afraid that it will never happen either. I don't want to let go of him. I don't want him to let go of me. I want him to be there through everything. I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with me. He says that everything was his fault. That he screwed everything up. He doesn't like his life right now so he can't be with me. I don't understand that. I don't know what that means. I don't understand how he can turn it off. How can you turn love off? How can you tell a girl that you love her and you want to move in with her and then tell her you don't want to be with her anymore? I don't understand. I don't understand. How can you explain that to me? Help me understand! I need to understand. I want the one thing that hurts me so much. The one person that has hurt me more than I can ever dream. I want to him to love me. I just want him to love me. The longer it goes, the more I miss him. It's been three weeks of pain. It's not getting any better. It's getting worse. I miss him so much. I miss my baby. I miss my love. I love him. I have nightmares every night about it. Noone is helping me. I'm never going to get an answer I like. I'm never going to be able to accept the answers I'm given. My parents aren't helping. They don't know what to do. They tell me to be strong and learn to deal with the pain. I just want it all to stop hurting. I want to feel like me again. I don't want to cry anymore.