now that youve found someone im feeling more alone
I’ve been carrying around this weight for months now. When you left, a piece of me went with you. For a while I found it difficult to breathe, to function. Over time, I began to fill that hole with stress and loneliness, so many negative emotions I cant even count. That isn’t all, though. That space is also full of love and memories. However, doubt casts a shadow like a weight. I feel so heavy at times. I feel so caught, so trapped.
The worst part is that there isn’t a single thing I can do to relieve the situation. No number of miscellaneous boys and hidden kisses can make me love you any less. They just make me feel awkward, dirty, used. And all Im left with is a few more cards to hold while the rest of the boys fold and wonder what goes on behind bright eyes. No one will ever know why eyes so bright can cry, and all of the boys wonder what makes me look so sad.
This isn’t fair any more. You are not now nor have you ever been my boyfriend. There have never been any real ties between you and I. We have never had fidelity. But yet there was always an us. I belong to you. But you don’t belong to me. Not anymore, maybe you never did. No, you belong to a girl named Carrie whom I’ve never met. What do you think about when you kiss her? Does she close her eyes? And does she mean it? Does she smile when you hold her hand? She belongs to you more than I ever did. But now after you, I don’t even belong to me anymore. I wish I at least had that.
I’m looking over the last paragraph and I hate myself for that. I wonder when things changed, when I changed. For a while I didn’t care. Maybe that was my ego at work. I still don’t feel threatened... no this is a very different emotion. Jealous? Without question. The thought of it makes me sick. I am single and I am alone and I am wasted because I still belong to you. But you don’t have room fro me anymore. I wish I wouldn’t have told you that I loved you. I meant it the first time and I mean it now. I have fallen completely and hopelessly in love with you. But maybe, just maybe, if I wouldn’t have said it out loud, I could have escaped this.
Because now I’m trapped in an impossible situation. I can’t see when you and I will be able to be together for more than a week at a time. The scariest part to me, though, is the what ifs. What if you and I did have our time to live and love? How would it end? How long until you grew tired of me? I remember being on the staircase under an overcast sky and I looked you dead in the eye and I finally responded to a statement left wide open. “I hope so too.” And you kissed me, and we meant it. I meant it so much that I almost cried when I told you, and I still feel tears choking me when I think about it.
I’m so tired of lying. I’m so tired of being alone. I can’t win. And I hate this. There is no solution and now I’m afraid. This is what I’ve been afraid of. How are you going to take this? What are you going to think? Is this goodbye...?
I love you, always and forever.
The worst part is that there isn’t a single thing I can do to relieve the situation. No number of miscellaneous boys and hidden kisses can make me love you any less. They just make me feel awkward, dirty, used. And all Im left with is a few more cards to hold while the rest of the boys fold and wonder what goes on behind bright eyes. No one will ever know why eyes so bright can cry, and all of the boys wonder what makes me look so sad.
This isn’t fair any more. You are not now nor have you ever been my boyfriend. There have never been any real ties between you and I. We have never had fidelity. But yet there was always an us. I belong to you. But you don’t belong to me. Not anymore, maybe you never did. No, you belong to a girl named Carrie whom I’ve never met. What do you think about when you kiss her? Does she close her eyes? And does she mean it? Does she smile when you hold her hand? She belongs to you more than I ever did. But now after you, I don’t even belong to me anymore. I wish I at least had that.
I’m looking over the last paragraph and I hate myself for that. I wonder when things changed, when I changed. For a while I didn’t care. Maybe that was my ego at work. I still don’t feel threatened... no this is a very different emotion. Jealous? Without question. The thought of it makes me sick. I am single and I am alone and I am wasted because I still belong to you. But you don’t have room fro me anymore. I wish I wouldn’t have told you that I loved you. I meant it the first time and I mean it now. I have fallen completely and hopelessly in love with you. But maybe, just maybe, if I wouldn’t have said it out loud, I could have escaped this.
Because now I’m trapped in an impossible situation. I can’t see when you and I will be able to be together for more than a week at a time. The scariest part to me, though, is the what ifs. What if you and I did have our time to live and love? How would it end? How long until you grew tired of me? I remember being on the staircase under an overcast sky and I looked you dead in the eye and I finally responded to a statement left wide open. “I hope so too.” And you kissed me, and we meant it. I meant it so much that I almost cried when I told you, and I still feel tears choking me when I think about it.
I’m so tired of lying. I’m so tired of being alone. I can’t win. And I hate this. There is no solution and now I’m afraid. This is what I’ve been afraid of. How are you going to take this? What are you going to think? Is this goodbye...?
I love you, always and forever.