some necessary venting
Now I definitely don't write in here very much anymore; however tonight I felt the urge to get my thoughts out there. Maybe once I get it down in writing, I'll feel better about it all.
Basically, I have been struggling a lot lately with some particular issues. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through, but somehow, after speaking with many of my peers about this - it isn't. I've been thinking a lot about where I want to be in my life. I've accepted the fact that I really don't know and I'm okay with it. I do know that I want to be out of Boston. And a huge part of me feels like I'm here because it's comfortable. I have friends here, a great apartment with two of them, I know my way around, I have a paying job with benefits and everything is easy, livable. If I were to move away, essentially I would need to start over again. Make new friends, learn my way around, get a new job...
Am I taking the easy way out? I think so...
Last year I never thought I would ever say this, but I really miss college, the social aspect of it anyway. I miss waking up and going to brunch with my friends, shootin' the shit. I miss having them a building away, or as little as a hallway away. Everyone was easily accessible and I definitely took this for granted.
Because now...now I feel like I don't see many of my close college friends anymore. I know a lot of them moved away (Nicole, Kat, Chris, Marth, Kait, etc), but even the ones that are still here I feel so isolated from.
For the past week, every night before I go to bed I think about my friendship with Aaron. It kills me because he is supposed to be one of my best friends and yet his new life at Harvard has sucked him in. I'm happy that he's making new friends there and I'm happy that he's in a great new relationship. What I'm sad about is the fact that I feel like I'm slowly losing one of my closest friends. It brings me to tears to even write this. I always knew he would be successful, but I never thought I would lose his friendship. Lately I feel like he doesn't want me to be a part of his new life. I know he's super busy, but there is no excuse for not responding to my phone calls or IMs, completely ignoring me. Maybe I'm overexaggerating but actions speak louder than words and right now he isn't saying much.
The worst of it is that he knows how I feel but does nothing about it. There is no effort on his part.
I feel angry. hurt. terrified. and incredibly sad.
I hate feeling this way.
Basically, I have been struggling a lot lately with some particular issues. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through, but somehow, after speaking with many of my peers about this - it isn't. I've been thinking a lot about where I want to be in my life. I've accepted the fact that I really don't know and I'm okay with it. I do know that I want to be out of Boston. And a huge part of me feels like I'm here because it's comfortable. I have friends here, a great apartment with two of them, I know my way around, I have a paying job with benefits and everything is easy, livable. If I were to move away, essentially I would need to start over again. Make new friends, learn my way around, get a new job...
Am I taking the easy way out? I think so...
Last year I never thought I would ever say this, but I really miss college, the social aspect of it anyway. I miss waking up and going to brunch with my friends, shootin' the shit. I miss having them a building away, or as little as a hallway away. Everyone was easily accessible and I definitely took this for granted.
Because now...now I feel like I don't see many of my close college friends anymore. I know a lot of them moved away (Nicole, Kat, Chris, Marth, Kait, etc), but even the ones that are still here I feel so isolated from.
For the past week, every night before I go to bed I think about my friendship with Aaron. It kills me because he is supposed to be one of my best friends and yet his new life at Harvard has sucked him in. I'm happy that he's making new friends there and I'm happy that he's in a great new relationship. What I'm sad about is the fact that I feel like I'm slowly losing one of my closest friends. It brings me to tears to even write this. I always knew he would be successful, but I never thought I would lose his friendship. Lately I feel like he doesn't want me to be a part of his new life. I know he's super busy, but there is no excuse for not responding to my phone calls or IMs, completely ignoring me. Maybe I'm overexaggerating but actions speak louder than words and right now he isn't saying much.
The worst of it is that he knows how I feel but does nothing about it. There is no effort on his part.
I feel angry. hurt. terrified. and incredibly sad.
I hate feeling this way.