chamelon.

Oct 13, 2004 18:02

sometimes it feels like all that really matters is long letters and hugs, and whether or not you're getting them from the right people. sometimes it seems like even though i'll be the only one that i really know at school next year, i'm not going to be lonely as much as i am when you're in another room in the same building. sometimes it feels like when my favorite bands cover songs that i didn't especially like before, i like it better than i like their own songs. sometimes i feel really small but then you tell me about how your family has thanksgiving at a table full of people that always arrive late, but only after someone has found your grandpa who is probably taking a nap somewhere in the spotless house or about how much you love me or anything, and then i tell you about a few thanksgivings ago when i was alone in my house because my parents were at their friends' parties and my brother was out drinking so i found it wise to listen to kevin lehman for the first time or about how much i love you or anything, really.

a week ago you told me that the colored parts of my eyes separated right before yours after i told you something awfully important. i held your hands in mine as i explained the words and you smiled so wide that you forgot to breathe, as if glowing like you were there in front of me was enough to transfer oxygen to your lungs and mind and heart and to each and every one of your cells. you always ask about my well-being and most of the time i am well but sometimes i am not but it's alright that my voice shakes awkwardly and i mispronounce words because i've read them but never heard anyone actually say them. you always tell me that you think i'm smart and beautiful and that you miss me. and i know i'm not those things a lot, if i am at all it is just a little. the only beauty i believe can truly be appreciated by spectators comes from years and years of nothing but ugliness and confusion. is that the buildup that results in beauty? to me, i think it is part of it. and on top of that, who does not want to hear that they are missed, in particular from someone they are missing themselves?

and my heart's always exploding straight outta my chest every time i scribble you any words at all and i can't believe no one else can hear it and i can't believe no one else can hear it and i can't believe yours is too.
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