(no subject)

May 08, 2006 20:38

well, i don't really want to jinx it, but............i think i found an apartment for the summer. the good/bad news is that it's in portland. i'm really really jazzed to be chilling with all my homies again, but i can't shake the feeling that i'm somehow delaying my adulthood or something. also, i had to tell dory and i'm not really sure how she felt about it. the thing is, though, i really actually do want to move to new york or possibly dc after the summer. really. i just don't feel like i have my shit together yet. like, i have to polish my resume and stuff and, heck, actually find a job, before i can even think of apartment hunting in ny, whereas in portland i know that there are plenty of summer jobs to go around and that the rent is low and basically i have a whole life already set up for me and stuff. so yeah, i guess i'm taking the lazy way. and i know that i already did this for a year, but i guess it just didn't take or something. so now by the time i get out into the real "real world," i'll be well on my way to 24, and hence an old maid. i just have to make sure that i don't get stuck. i can't get stuck there, even though i love it.

i also have no idea what to do with my life. i don't want to do just anything, which is silly because really i am nobody special and need to start somewhere anyway, but just like in so many things in my life, i am putting everything off because whatever i do just won't be good enough. but i can't go on like that. i have to start living. any day now.

the thing is, i really want to actually help people somehow, which i know is silly, but i just don't think i'll ever be comfortable being comfortable. i need to be living a slightly ascetic lifestyle, or something. or maybe it's not that, but i really have to improve people's lives every single day or else what's the point? but then there's the capricorn in me (because i am a capricorn, you know) that says, 'make it big,' 'be famous,' 'change the world on the macro level,' and now there's something i know for sure i can't do.

but then, i've started to think lately about how i'm technically pretty well qualified, at least on paper....i went to a hardcore school, got pretty good grades, worked at all sorts of crazy jobs, went to africa and loved it........but that describes pretty much everyone my age in the northeast right now. blah. i just have to figure out what it is i can offer that no one else can. my boss says it's my 'bubbly personality.' that seems funny to me, because i think of myself as endlessly cynical. but it is true that i enjoy hard work, as long as it isn't homework.....or retail. but is that bad somehow? i mean, i could be perfectly happy to do data entry the rest of life. next thing i know i'm that tracy ullman character with the pen around her neck and her pants up to her chest whose existence is entirely summed up by her identity as the office worker lady or whatever. i really don't want to be that lady.

but will anything ever be good enough? it's like love, in that it doesn't really exist.

there is no true love. there is no perfect mate. there will always be fights and things you can't stand about the other person. it's just that simple. there will be days when you look at your partner, and even your children, and you just don't really like them that much. no, not even a parent's love is pure. surprise! not even a mother's. have you read the awakening lately? we are not biologically predisposed to unconditionally love our children. so there! motherhood sucks. seriously. i am happy to truly believe that my mother loves our father more than she loves us. i hope that is so. because she chose him. we are just the product of that love, just something they decided to do as a project together, like building a house or writing a book.

anyway, my point is that i will not love my career, if i ever end up having one. the point of work is to suck. this is what i've always told my mother, who could never stay at a job more than a few years because she just didn't like any of them. 'but that's the point', i thought, 'to be terrible.' and so i might as well just suck it up and get a damn job, and soon. i might as well go buy some damn skirt suits and begin to play the game and cozy up to the water cooler because that's just the way it is, and perhaps to try for anything more would just be selfish...
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