An Open Case
Fuck.
You'd think that after all this time, this would be the last thing i could go back to.
the last thing is morphing into the first and i can only hold out so long without you.
I'm slipping, but i'm trying soo hard.
and i've been so good. in my own way.
but this makes me so severely alone.
when i get there, i think i need some time to get back what i will have lost over the next 5 days.
there's only so much i can do without you here.
i'm so scared.
and i can't sleep again.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
But everything flashes before my eyes in its own trite way,
all of the people i'd been with blur and i remember the arrogance it took to get them and the brazen strut away from them and how it felt good in a
sick sort of way. to know you could have something and walk away.
but i can't.
everything i thought was insane is starting to make sense again.
I just wish there was some way i could do something.
but i hate this.
its been months off of those pills and its been months of you.
and months of pure me, who i want to become, but everything i was is creeping back in. and its so wrong.
but there is nothing else but reminiscence to do here.
i'm not going back. i have faith in you and what you do for me and
everything in between.
and i know you hate the phone, but i just need to hear your voice.
problem is i can be what anyone wants me to be, but to stand here with all this, and not just say, but be different than them is starting to split hairs and i'm drawing lines, but all of them run down the middle of me and i can't deny there is a dark part of all of this. the part that wants to play you like a fiddle, to fuck it all up, to destroy you so sweetly. but i've been fighting it. i've been fighting the good fight and its been wonderful. it was almost over, but i need a couple of days just to be in boston, just to think. to write. to recover. i can't ever be what i was, but its all coming back. and you can't touch me when i get like this. you just have to leave.
i'm not the hulk , but i become something you never want to meet.
i love you too much. and i've got to save you from myself. because you're what i got.
its just sometimes, i love you most when you don't understand. because you shouldn't.
i shouldn't be able to rationalize the hospital, the rage, and all of this fighting, god i'm getting so tired.
when i see you, i'm going to collapse and cry.
there is only so much of this i can take.
i'm not who they want me to be, and when i'm at school, i forget they exist. i'm free from my past and i can progress.
where are those fucking cigarettes.
i need something , but everything is starting to bleed and i just can't.
just tell me its not who i am and i'll believe you.
i can't have this guard up forever.
this is where i've written some of the darkest things i've ever thought of. but i
can't anymore. I look at pictures of us and it already seems infused with history and cemented with the point of no return. i just need something to get me by. 5 more days.
You'd think that after all this time, this would be the last thing i could go back to.
the last thing is morphing into the first and i can only hold out so long without you.
I'm slipping, but i'm trying soo hard.
and i've been so good. in my own way.
but this makes me so severely alone.
when i get there, i think i need some time to get back what i will have lost over the next 5 days.
there's only so much i can do without you here.
i'm so scared.
and i can't sleep again.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
But everything flashes before my eyes in its own trite way,
all of the people i'd been with blur and i remember the arrogance it took to get them and the brazen strut away from them and how it felt good in a
sick sort of way. to know you could have something and walk away.
but i can't.
everything i thought was insane is starting to make sense again.
I just wish there was some way i could do something.
but i hate this.
its been months off of those pills and its been months of you.
and months of pure me, who i want to become, but everything i was is creeping back in. and its so wrong.
but there is nothing else but reminiscence to do here.
i'm not going back. i have faith in you and what you do for me and
everything in between.
and i know you hate the phone, but i just need to hear your voice.
problem is i can be what anyone wants me to be, but to stand here with all this, and not just say, but be different than them is starting to split hairs and i'm drawing lines, but all of them run down the middle of me and i can't deny there is a dark part of all of this. the part that wants to play you like a fiddle, to fuck it all up, to destroy you so sweetly. but i've been fighting it. i've been fighting the good fight and its been wonderful. it was almost over, but i need a couple of days just to be in boston, just to think. to write. to recover. i can't ever be what i was, but its all coming back. and you can't touch me when i get like this. you just have to leave.
i'm not the hulk , but i become something you never want to meet.
i love you too much. and i've got to save you from myself. because you're what i got.
its just sometimes, i love you most when you don't understand. because you shouldn't.
i shouldn't be able to rationalize the hospital, the rage, and all of this fighting, god i'm getting so tired.
when i see you, i'm going to collapse and cry.
there is only so much of this i can take.
i'm not who they want me to be, and when i'm at school, i forget they exist. i'm free from my past and i can progress.
where are those fucking cigarettes.
i need something , but everything is starting to bleed and i just can't.
just tell me its not who i am and i'll believe you.
i can't have this guard up forever.
this is where i've written some of the darkest things i've ever thought of. but i
can't anymore. I look at pictures of us and it already seems infused with history and cemented with the point of no return. i just need something to get me by. 5 more days.